For The Thrill Of It
by Northern One
Summary: She stole cars for the hell of it, living a life of petty crime just to get the thrill that came along with the joyrides. But when a stranger offers her a way out and a chance to finally live up to her full potential, what will she do?
1. Chapter 1

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter One: Grand Theft Auto

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

She shifted the car effortlessly into third, her foot pressing hard down on the accelerator as she weaved in an out of traffic with ease. The California sun was beaming down on her brightly as she whizzed in an out of traffic like Jeff Gordon, her aggressive driving the result of growing up without parents and never really being taught how to drive. The top of candy apple red 1963 Mercury Comet she was driving was down, allowing the air to come rushing at her and play with her hair as she sped about, finally deciding to get off the freeway at the next exit. She'd been waiting for a car like this; they didn't make cars like the Comet anymore, not in the twenty third century. She'd found this car on some poor smuck's driveway underneath a tarp, her brain almost exploding with joy when she saw that it was a Comet. They hadn't made this car in almost three hundred years, even though it was said to have been one of the greatest cars ever to be made. She'd been waiting for a car like this.

She'd just pulled onto a local road when she passed a cop car, knowing that if her speed didn't alert them, the license plate would. Sure enough, seconds later the blare of the police alarm sounded out and in her rear view mirror she saw the squad car light up like the fourth of July and begin to give chance.

This was the part she loved. People always asked her why she stole cars and went on joy rides and every time, she gave them the same response. _For the thrill of it. There's nothing like the feeling of trying to out drive the cops in a classic car on the streets of California. It's the ultimate thrill._ Despite the fact that she thought the ecstasy given to her by joyriding cars was unparalleled by any drug, the majority of people, including the police, thought otherwise. At the ripe old age of 23, Kristen Shaw had been arrested and incarcerated a grand total of 5 times with another total of approximately 1 year of jail time served. She'd been in an out of foster homes since she was a baby and the second she turned 16, her life became less about school and boys and more about rebelling in the best ways possible which to her meant joyriding. By the time she'd turned 18 she'd already had her license revoked twice, the second time with the potential of only getting it reinstated when she completed a series of workshops and training sessions.

She never went to the workshops and training sessions.

With the lights of the squad car on and the siren blaring, she felt her heart begin to race and her mind begin to churn. It was all just a game from here on in; nothing more than a series of moves in an attempt to out manoeuvre her opponents. It was all just anticipating and moving in turn; anticipating weather conditions, traffic conditions, where she was, what kind of car she was driving, how fast the car chasing her was. It was a multidimensional game she played, however detrimental to society she could be deemed to be.

This time, the chase lasted a record time of forty three minutes and twenty three seconds. It came to an end when she'd turned down an alley and right in front of her was another squad car. Damn. She hadn't anticipated that.

She came to a screeching halt and waited, cool and collected as one of the cops from the squad car that just pulled up behind her got out of the car and came striding over. He hadn't even gotten a word out when already, she spoke.

"What seems to be the problem, officer?"

-------

She sat in the local precinct's holding cell, waiting until the cops who pulled her over ID her and realize she's a bonafide criminal. She knew her odds; she'd be sentenced for grand theft auto and given time. Last time she'd been sentenced six months but only served three because of good behaviour. This time, with her record and her age, she'd be lucky to get a year, if not more. This was the part she hated about stealing cars; the jail part.

"Kristen Shaw" an officer barked, bringing her to attention. She looked up from the floor, her green eyes directed towards the officer who was standing by the cell door with keys in his hand, poised to unlock it. She watched as he unlocked the door and slid it open, waiting for get up and leave by giving her a pointed look.

"You are free to go"

She got up slowly, brushing some of her long, wavy brown hair out of her face in order to see him correctly. She'd just cleared the doorway when she half expected the cop to grab her by the arm and yank her back into the cell, as if this were all some kind of joke. But instead, he slid the cell door shut with a metal clang and locked it behind her, leading her out into the lobby of the precinct where she was to collect her things. She had just stepped out onto the street outside of the precinct when she heard a voice, asking a question, she assumed, could only be directed towards her.

"Wondering why you didn't get charged?"

She halted, knowing that everything was just too good to be true. She hadn't really thought about why she'd been released, she was too focused on thanking her lucky stars and getting the hell away from the cops. But now that someone had asked her, she had to admit she had no fucking clue as to why she wasn't still sitting in that cell, waiting to be officially charged.

A man stepped out in front of her, dressed in nondescript clothing, giving her an easy smile. He was middle aged, mid forties to early fifties at least, with friendly blue eyes, short brown hair greying at the temples, and a face etched with wrinkles that she suspected weren't caused by sun damage but instead, countless years of hard work.

"Now that you mention it, yeah, I'm a bit curious" she replied sarcastically, running a hand through her hair before pulling out her aviator sunglasses and propping them on the bridge of her nose, in front of her eyes.

"That was my car you stole" he said slowly, the smile on his face remaining on his face.

She analyzed him for a few seconds from behind the safety of her sunglasses' lenses, trying to figure him out. She couldn't tell if he was angry, pissed, or impressed, so she stuck to her sarcasm since she didn't really know much else.

"You have good taste in cars" she commented, giving him a smile to return the one that still hadn't been wiped off his face.

"They told me you've had 5 prior arrests, is that correct?" he asked.

"You know it is, so why bother ask" she sniped back, her patience beginning to wear thin.

"Why do you do it?"

She paused for a second, then asked him to clarify.

"Why do you steal cars?"

It was a question she'd been asked over a thousand times before; a question she had a scripted answer to.

"For the thrill of it. There's nothing like the feeling of trying to out drive the cops in a classic car on the streets of California. It's the ultimate thrill" she replied, giving him another smile, but this one out of spite.

His smile seemed to broaden at this, and he moved to remove something from his jacket pocket.

"I won't press charges for you committing grand theft auto if you agree to take a test for me" he said, handing over the card.

She recognized the emblem on the side of the card immediately, scoffing a laugh as she stood there reading the card.

"You want me to take a test for Starfleet, Admiral Christopher Pike, sir" she asked incredulously with mock respect, laughing again.

The man remained steady, even as she made fun of his rank. He waited till she was finish to respond.

"I'm curious, how does a woman who bounced through over forty foster homes as a child gather enough money to put her through college and graduate by the time she was eighteen?" he asked, turning his head to the other side.

She didn't laugh this time.

"Well, as for the money part I guess you could say someone's always made sure I'm taken care of. The college part, graduating by eighteen? I did an undergraduate degree in Mechanical Engineering in two years, starting when I was 16. Stealing cars doesn't mean I'm a stupid, just means I'm smarter than the idiots who leave their vintage cars unattended, which, since you're an Admiral, I guess makes me really, really smart" she replied back, outstretching her hand to return the card.

"I'd like you to take an aptitude test, Ms. Shaw. It shouldn't take long, approximately two hours at most. Give me a call sometime later today so we can set up a time for you to come by the Academy tomorrow to write it" the Admiral said with definitive finality as he turned to leave, Kristen's eyes following his direction to where the beautiful red Comet was waiting.

"What if I don't want to take the test?" she barked at his retreating form.

He stopped in his tracks, turned around slowly, and then looked up at the precinct.

"It's either take the test, or get charged and sent to jail Ms. Shaw. Your decision" he said, turning back around and finishing the distance to his car.

-----------

"Ah, Ms. Shaw. Glad you made the right decision" he said in greeting as he entered the dark yet bright room, today changed from the civilian clothes he was wearing yesterday to a neat black uniform with the Starfleet symbol over his heart.

She'd gotten to the Academy and had immediately be lead to the room she was sitting in now. The room's dimensions were about 13 feet by 13 feet and the room full of chrome and stainless steel, even down to the door. There was one single light, a light bulb hanging right above the table in front of her, that due to the reflective nature of both stainless steel and chrome, seemed to light up the room.

"Well, it was either here or prison so" she said, clicking the pen that had been waiting for her on the table when she'd arrived ten minutes ago.

She really had no choice. She did not want to go to prison again and another offence would mean serious time. She'd decided to suck it up, take his damn test, and then be gone.

"Would you like to know what kind of test you'll be taking today?" he asked pleasantly before placing a stapled stack of paper in front of her, along with another pen.

"Sure" she replied with obvious disinterest, leaning back in her seat in an attempt to convey the message that she really didn't give a shit about what kind of test she was about to take.

"It's one of the entrance exams applicants to the Academy have to take. It's a standardized test that gauges intelligence, emotional response, decision making abilities, and leadership qualities, to name a few. It tells us everything we here at the Academy need to know about incoming cadets, and I'd like to see how you score on it. That sound okay?" he asked, sitting back in his chair across the table from her with a pleasent smile on his face.

"If you continue talking to me as if I were a child, stealing a car is going to be the least of my worries" she threatened before flipping open the test booklet and getting down to work.

The test took her about an hour and a half to complete with no difficulty at all. There were math and science questions, either or questions, and multiple choice questions, but the bulk of the exam was situations where she'd have to describe what she'd do. What would she do if a train was coming and she could either save a baby or a group of people or what would she do if she was allowed to save a group of people but in turn would die.

As soon as she'd finished, he'd whisked away the test and told her to stay there, citing that he wanted to grade her paper personally so that they could talk about where to go from here. She didn't have time to retort however, as the door swung shut before she could ask him what he meant by 'go from here'.

It didn't take long for him to grade. He was back within a half hour with the same friendly smile she'd seen on his face yesterday.

"What" she asked, after two minutes of him just staring at her.

"You did better on this exam than 98% of the incoming recruits" he said as he continued staring at her.

The news shouldn't have affected her, but deep down inside, she grew proud upon hearing this. Starfleet Academy was the most prestigious education institute on the planet and if she did better than almost all the other people at the school, that made her feel pretty damn good.

"Wow. Sucks for you then doesn't it, if a repeat offender can not only steal your car but also outsmart almost everyone at your little school" she said with sarcasm as she got up to leave, pulling on her dark green military style jacket.

"Sit down" he said with such definitiveness that she actually sat back down. She was so astounded at her body's response to his tone that she didn't even offer any words.

"I want you to enlist in Starfleet, but not to attend the Academy. I want to put you on a ship, the best ship we have" he said, leaning forward in his chair and folding his hands together. This time, it was her chance to lean back in her chair and act as smugly as he did before. Despite her body language however, she was quite curious and eager to hear more.

"You want to put me on a ship. Like a space ship?" she asked in clarification, sitting back in her chair and crossing one leg over the other.

"Yes, a space ship. Our newest ship, actually. The Enterprise" he said, nodding his head once.

"And why do you want to do that" she asked slowly, this time addressing him as if he were a child. A smug smile came to her lips, but she kept quite.

"Because I see in you the same thing I saw in someone about four years ago. You're bored. You're bored of this life you've been living so you look for cheap thrills by stealing cars. You're not a criminal, because you never keep or damage the cars. You just drive them. You feel as if you were...meant for something better but because of your broken past, you don't deserve it. You think that since you didn't come from a normal home that your life can't be normal. But more than anything, you feel as if you were meant for something special. Something different. I can offer that to you" he said with such assurance that it startled her completely.

Although she'd never admit it out loud, he had somehow managed to summarize her entire outtake on life, down to the bit about not deserving a normal life. She didn't know where to go from here now. He'd just verbally stripped her of all the protective armour she'd put up during her past 23 years of living.

"The Captain of the Enterprise used to be someone a lot like you. Under appreciated, lack of challenge, settling for average when extraordinary was well within his potential. I think he could teach you a lot, a lot more than any professor here at the Academy could. It will take a few weeks to get you into the system and into mission shape but I can promise you that within three weeks we can have you on the Enterprise, finally living to your potential. So what do you say Ms. Shaw?" he asked.

She took about five minutes to think it over, but the truth was, she had her mind made up within five seconds of him offering. She'd always said she stole cars for the thrill, and she only imagine the thrill that came with working in space. She wanted a change of pace but more than anything, she wanted another chance to start over. He'd been right when he'd said she'd never been a criminal, she just wanted the feeling she got whenever she'd managed to outsmart the cops and get away. She was better than that, and it was about time she figured out just how much better she actually was.

"I'm in"

**((Author's Note:**** Please review! It's my first venture into Star Trek so...any criticism (except for flames) would be much appreciated!))**


	2. Chapter 2

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Two: Inadvertently, yeah.

_Disclaimer_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

"Full Name?"

"Kristen Elizabeth Shaw"

"Date of Birth?"

"January 13th, 2235"

"Both Parents Full Names?"

Silence.

"Both Parents Full Names please, Ms. Shaw?"

More silence.

"Ms. Shaw, you cannot be cleared for active duty until you are—"

"I don't remember"

This time, it was his time to be silent.

It had been about a week since she'd taken the first entrance exam and since then, the judging and assessment had continued at full force. Every day she arrived at the Academy, waiting for something exciting to happen, and instead was faced with yet another test to write. She'd written seven different exams so far, topics ranging from language proficiency to advanced vector calculus, but not a word had been spoken yet about her assignment to the Enterprise, not since that first meeting with Pike. She was growing restless, so restless in fact that just yesterday afternoon, she decided to take Pike's Comet for another ride around the block.

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"_You know, it'd be nice if you tried to show just a little remorse for the laws your breaking" Pike said as he joined her upon her exit from the local precinct, his face this time showing the traces of anger and frustration._

"_And it'd be nice if I could stop trying to prove how fucking smart by writing all your damn exams. Look, Pike, I know I said I was in, but if all I have to look forward to on this ship is relativistic physics and calculus so complicated it makes my head spin, I think I'll stick to my life of petty crime as you so plainly put it yesterday" she bit back, sweeping her hair into a pony tail before giving the Admiral a pointed look._

"_It's not. Life on a Federation vessel is one of the most rewarding careers and lifestyles out there, but I have to make sure you are ready. I want to assign you to be their junior engineer, but I can't do that until I know you are capable of doing the calculations and assessments necessary to do a good job. Can you understand that at least?" he explained, gesturing for her to follow him to his car._

"_Look, Admiral Pike, I get that, I really do. But I don't need to prove myself to anyone, especially not a bunch of Einstein wannabes at your school. I got my degree in two years, at MIT. I'm smart, and you know that, so what gives" she asked, her tone definite in her demand for an explanation. She got into the passenger side of the car and waited as the Admiral walked around and slid into the driver's seat._

"_I can't just put you on a ship, Ms. Shaw. There's protocols to follow, and that's all I'm doing with these tests. I need to prove to my superiors that you're capable. You wrote the last one today, if that's any consolation" he said in reply before pulling into traffic, heading in the direction of the academy._

_She turned in her seat and looked out the window away from him, her eyes enjoying the landscape as they headed off._

"_It depends. How have I been doing?" she asked in mock disinterest curiousity._

_She heard him chuckle lowly, then respond._

"_You've been doing very, very well. Top 95 percentile. You should be very proud" he commented, letting the silence settle in and she once again revelled in her internal pride._

_------------_

Sure enough, keeping to his word, when she arrived at the Academy today, there was no test waiting for her. Instead, in the same stainless steel and chrome filled room she'd been in ever since the beginning, there was a man with a clipboard and a series of files in front of him waiting for her when she'd arrived. Also on the table was a pair of sneakers, black sport shorts, and a black tank top. She'd barely taken a step into the room when he'd ordered her to go get changed, giving her directions to the nearest restroom in a clipped, brisk tone. She'd grabbed the clothes and headed off, returning five minutes later before sitting down and answering his first question, her full name.

So she sat there now with a passive expression on her face that betrayed her conflicting internal emotions. Her parents had always been a source of confusion, anger, and frustration for her. She knew how they died, but was so young at the time it happened that she'd not yet been able to remember their names. They'd been on their way home from the opera when their car had been t-boned by a transport truck, killing both of them instantly. She'd been at a baby sitters that night and after news reached her extended family, she was put into the Foster Care system at the age of one and a half years old. By the time she was old enough to realize that the people she'd been living with weren't her real parents, she found that she was unable to even remember her own parents names, let alone what had happened to them. When she'd asked her Foster parents, they'd directed her towards the Foster Care office and the people there had told her that when she was younger, her parents had died in a car accident. It'd never be an easy subject to talk about.

"Do you remember what happened to your parents?" the man asked after a few seconds of awkward silence, looking at her over the rims of his glasses with a file open in front of him, his name poised to write down facts about her answer.

"I'm sorry, Admiral Pike didn't really tell me what today...entailed. What is this, exactly?" she asked in an aggressive tone, trying to be polite as possible.

"This is your psychiatric evaluation, Ms. Shaw, to gauge things like emotional response, compartamentability, emotional readiness. Aboard the Enterprise, Ms. Shaw, you will be living and working in a high stress environment and it is my job to assess whether or not you can still function to the best of your ability. There will be life or death situations, high pressure situations; believe me when I say, Ms Shaw, this job is not for the faint of heart. The Admirals here at the Academy want to make sure it won't be too much for you to handle" the man said plainly, offering up no discernable emotions to her.

"Wait, so this is like a psych test? To make sure I'm not like a lunatic?" she asked in layman's vernacular, wanting to get down to the root of why she was here without the Ph.D bullshit.

"Essentially, yes"

She took in his answer and sat back, letting out a low whistle as she did so. She watched as he turned his attention towards an empty yellow legal pad, his pen scribbling across it furiously as they sat in silence.

"What, does the way I sit in this chair tell you all about my broken childhood?" she asked sarcastically, throwing her hands up in the air as she gestured to her sitting form.

"No it doesn't Ms. Shaw, but the fact that you just thought it did means that you in fact did have a broken childhood" he replied briskly, looking over at her only once he was finished writing.

Another silence set in as the realization hit her.

Fuck. He was good.

"So I'll ask once again, Ms. Shaw. Do you remember what happened to your parents?"

She took a second, knowing she had to keep her emotions in check, before replying.

"I was too young when it happened to remember. From what the Foster Care people have told me, they died in a car accident" she replied, her tone cool and collected. She watched as the man watched her body language for a few seconds before writing something else down.

"And how does that make you feel?" he asked, his tone serious even though he was asking such a clichéd question.

"I try not to let the past affect my future" she replied with almost identical cliché-ness, giving him a sarcastic smile before crossing her arms over her chest. Almost immediately, he began to write something down, so she quickly withdrew her arms and placed them idly by her sides.

"Please answer the question, Ms. Shaw"

She took a few seconds to gather her thoughts before replying.

"It frustrates me, because I was too young to even know who my parents were before they died. It angers me, because no child should ever be raised without parents and I was raised with none" she commented, adverting her eyes to the edge of the table as she spoke.

"But it says here that you have been in approximately 40 foster homes. Did those homes not have parental figures?" the man asked, wanting clarification.

"Trust me when I say this Sir. I grew up without parents. I don't expect you to understand" she commented bitterly, looking back up to give him a threatening look before returning her eyes to the table's edge.

"Do you feel as if this lack of parental attention or guidance has caused you to turn to a life of crime?" he asked, keeping his eyes on her.

She shrugged her shoulders this time before answering.

"Inadvertently, yes. All foster parents are only concerned about getting their checks. Of those forty homes I've been in, I'd say maybe all of five have actually given a shit about my quote, unquote, personal development. So in a way, when I started stealing cars and had no one to tell me it was wrong, that lack of parental attention as you called it, is one of the reasons I turned to this life of crime. No one besides the law punished me, so I kept on doing it. But it's like I said before. I don't expect you to understand" she said in a clipped tone, sitting up a little straighter in her chair as she answered him. He observed her for a few more seconds before going to write something down, leaving them in silence.

"Why do you steal cars, Ms. Shaw?" he asked, his eyes returning to her.

"Do you want my answer, or Admiral Pike's psychoanalysis of why I steal them?" she retorted, giving him an expectant look. He wrote something down quickly, then replied.

"Your answer will suffice"

She took a breath.

"For the thrill of it. There's nothing like the feeling of trying to out drive the cops in a classic car on the streets of California. It's the ultimate thrill" she said, reciting the answer she'd scripted perfectly.

This went on for about another hour. He asked more about the joyriding, her experiences in prison, and eventually about her intelligence. He had just asked her whether or not she thought she was smart enough to serve on the Enterprise when Admiral Pike opened the door, ending their conversation.

"I think that will do, Admiral Joseph" Pike said, cutting Kristen off just as she was about to tell the guy off for underestimating her intelligence. Instead, she sat back silently and watched as the man in front of her packed up his things and then departed, giving Pike a nod before leaving.

"Nice timing" she commented as the Admiral jerked his head for her to follow, Kristen noticing as she rose that he was dressed in black sports clothing like her.

They had taken about five steps into the hallway when she asked where they were going.

"Your physical training starts today Cadet. Try and keep up" the Admiral said jovially as they game to a glass door which lead to the outside, the quasi-elderly man breaking out into a swift jog the second his foot hit the outside concrete.

-------

"Slow...the fuck....down" she wheezed, lagging several paces behind Admiral Pike who, after about 22 miles of running, looked as he'd just stepped out for a light jog instead of the almost marathon they'd just ran.

He looked over his shoulder, saw her lagging behind, and slowed down, coming to a brisk walk as they continued their run along a boardwalk.

"You're doing better than I thought you would" he commented pleasantly as she caught up with him, walking with him stride for stride even though she was dying on the inside. She looked over at him and nodded, the feeling mutual.

"Yeah. Same" she replied back, trying to get her breathing under control. They came to a halt by a bench underneath a tree and sat, Kristen allowing the shade to cool her core down to a manageable temperature.

"You know Pike, I'm getting a little tired of this testing crap. I'm starting to think maybe you don't want me on that ship" she joked with half sincerity, giving the Admiral a look with her eyes to convey her sentiment.

"Well, this is the last of them" he said nonchalantly, gazing out onto the Pacific. She looked over at the Admiral's profile and waited for him to elaborate. When he didn't, she pressed him for information.

"What do you mean, this is the last of them?" she asked, needing clarification.

"Test. This is the last test. Congratulations, Ms. Shaw. You're officially a member of Starfleet"

She yelled out in jubilation and jumped off the bench, pumping her fists in the air with ecstasy as she celebrated her victory.

"How do you feel right now, Ms. Shaw?" Admiral Pike asked as he observed her celebrations with humour in his eyes.

"Pretty damn good" she said, finally settling down but feeling as if fireworks were still going off on the inside.

"Comparable to a cop chase?"

She took a second to think about it, but her answer came to her instantaneously.

"Better"

**(Author's Note****: Hey everyone. First of all, thank you so much for all the amazing response! It truly means a lot! Anyways, keep reading to see what Kristen's sarcasm is going to get her once aboard the Enterprise. Once again, THANKS! ))**


	3. Chapter 3

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Three: Deserving Better Than Just Stealing Cars

_Disclaimer_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

She sat alone in the shuttle, two duffle bags strapped in beside her that collective held her entire life's worth. It was eerily quiet, and if it was one thing she hated, it was the quiet. Quiet was when the demons set in; those killer, vicious thoughts that manipulated their way into your cerebrum before katana-ing your entire existence. When she was busy or doing something, she didn't have time to second guess or doubt. She jumped without looking, and she liked it that way. It was when she had time and quiet to look that bothered her.

"This is Admiral Pike. You're clear for takeoff. Good luck, Cadet Shaw" she heard, his voice echoing throughout the near empty hull as he bid her farewell. She nodded, as if to acknowledge him, and then closed her eyes, trying to will away all the evil thoughts in her head.

_You're never going to make it._

_You're nothing but a criminal._

_You're just an orphan._

_Pike's only doing this because he felt sorry for you._

_You're worthless._

Despite the fact that she stole cars for a living, there were always times where the insecurities set in. Typically, she thought she was a rather confident, some would even say cocky, individual who didn't take people's shit and always spoke her mind. She prided herself on her strong will and spirit, even though it was usually those two exact characteristics that got her into trouble.

But there came times, as they do with everyone, where she seriously doubted what she was doing and usually these times came during her brief stints in prison. The quiet in her cell at night drove her to points of insanity on multiple occasions, as her mind, with no other task to preoccupy it, relived some of the worst moments in her life.

The first time one of her foster parents beat her.

The second time.

The third time.

Her first night on the streets

The fight she'd gotten into during her first stay in prison that resulted in three broken ribs, a broken arm, and a month added to her sentence.

It's funny. Some people think of the finer points in life when faced with prolonged periods of solitude, but not her. When she was faced with silence and time, she always thought of the bad stuff, the stuff that caused her pain. The stuff she'd buried away, hoping never to think about it again, but always doing so in times of quiet.

So as the silence set in on the shuttle and she looked around the empty hull, those thoughts of insecurity worming their way around her brain, she pressed her eyes shut and tried to will them away, reciting over and over again in her head the mantra she'd developed to convince herself why she was going through all this.

_You deserve better than just stealing cars. You deserve better than just stealing cars. You deserve better than just stealing cars._

A few seconds past before she felt any movement, and the only movement she felt was a sudden jolt forward as the shuttle accelerated. When she finally sucked up enough courage to look out the window, she was astonished by what she saw.

Predominantly, it was black. Black with thousands of little candles all over. She was surprised, but at the same time not surprised, to see just how dark space really was. They were accelerating out of the atmosphere and it was as soon as they cleared the Thermosphere when she saw it, a centre sphere surrounded by outstretched spindles. She'd seen pictures of it in the Academy literature she'd read, but as the shuttle approached it slowly, she was astounded by the beauty of it. The United Federation of Planets headquarters in the Alpha Quadrant of the Milky Way galaxy was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever seen, but so advanced looking and prestigious that it made all the modern day technology on Earth look like caveman tools. She felt intimidated and small instantly.

The shuttle docked a few minutes later after making a slow approach and eventually, she was escorted off the shuttle and into the internal sphere of the headquarters. She was getting severely unhinged as the friendly dark skinned man wearing black Starfleet fatigues lead her down a series of hallways before coming to a stop in front of an open door that lead to a small but comfortable bedroom. He informed her to wait here and that the decontamination team would be by soon to get her for her final decontamination before assignment.

She threw her bags down on the bed and sighed, running a hand through her wavy brown hair as she contemplated what was about to happen. In less than three hours she was going to be transported via technology onto the USS Enterprise which was currently exploring distant and far-away planets in the galaxy. Her entire life was about to change; hell, in the past hour alone she'd seen more than she'd ever dreamt of seeing. Inside her, a hurricane of different emotions was brewing in her chest. She was anxious to get aboard the ship and begin working. She was nervous about what kinds of things she was going to be expected to do. She was scared as hell about the millions of light years from home part of the adventure, but excited nonetheless. But more than anything, she was thrilled about getting a second chance to live the life she'd always thought she'd be living; a life that, thankfully, didn't involve getting thrills from stealing cars but instead, getting thrills by exploring and seeing things no one had ever seen before.

"Cadet Shaw, I'm Lieutenant Banks, head of Earth Decontamination. If you'd be so kind as to follow me" a friendly, middle aged woman with flaming red hair said from her doorway about five minutes later, giving Kristen a warm smile. She was just stepping out into the hallway when two men, each in black pants and red Starfleet shirts entered her room and grabbed her bags, each leaving with one as she and the Lieutenant remained standing by the doorway.

"No need to worry Cadet, they're just off to disinfect your things. You see, there are many worlds in this galaxy that are at different levels of development. We do not want to risk exposing these civilizations to anything that may cause them harm. To us, the bacteria of a common cold is irritating but manageable. But to another race of people who'd never encountered this bacteria before, exposure can lead to potentially population devastating effects. So, before any cadet leaves these headquarters for assignment they are thoroughly decontaminated to remove all foreign particles and substances" Lieutenant Banks explained as she lead Kristen through a series of hallways, finally coming to a white door marked DECOM.

"I trust this is of no problem to you?" Banks asked, her hand poised over the key pad to unlock the door, waiting to make sure Kristen had no issue.

"No, no problem at all. Wouldn't want to take out an entire race of people with a sneeze" Kristen joked, eliciting no response from the elderly lady. The door opened seconds later after a few deft finger movements by the Lieutenant, Banks gesturing Kristen inside a stark white room before shutting the door behind her.

"Cadet Shaw. Please remove all articles of clothing, jewellery, and any other materials from your body and place them in the corresponding bins to your left" a cool male voice said from overhead, bins lighting up in green to her left. She did as instructed, disrobing quickly and putting everything on her in the correct bins. She stood there, stark naked, for a few seconds as she waited for further instruction.

As if on que, the wall in front of her produced a door, one that she was directed to go through by the same voice from over head. She stepped through the doorway and came into another white room, this one larger with a stainless steel showerhead hanging from the ceiling and three small bottles of liquid and a shower loofa waiting for her underneath the showerhead.

"Please thoroughly cleanse yourself with the products left in front of you" the voice directed again, water starting to pour from the showerhead the moment he finished talking. She stepped forward and did as instructed; scrubbing her skin so raw with the loofa she turned pink. As soon as she'd finished, the water shut off and once again, the wall in front of her produced a doorway. She stepped through and was faced with an identical replica of the last room, except underneath the showerhead this time was a pair of swim goggles and a shower cap.

"Please place the goggles on your head to protect your eyes and the shower cap to protect your hair. Once the goggles and cap are in place, press the red button on the wall to begin the decontamination shower. This will last for approximately thirty seconds. Please refrain from breathing while the liquid washes over you" the voice said, a large red button appearing on the wall to the left of her. She once again followed the orders and placed the goggles on top of her eyes, walking over to press the button before returning to her place underneath the showerhead.

Almost immediately, the fumes of chemicals overtook her and a cold liquid washed over her skin. She held her breath, imaging just how detrimental these chemicals must be to her skin, as the chemicals rid her skin of every last particle of foreign material. After thirty seconds, the shower shut off and two seconds later, cold water followed and washed over her. That lasted for another ten seconds before yet another door appeared. She stepped through it and was thankful to find no shower and instead her belongings, or at least some of them. The red cadet's uniform she'd been wearing when she'd arrived had been replaced by a red short sleeved uniform dress that went to just above knee length. Her sneakers were replaced with black calf high boots and even her under garments were new. The only things that she'd had from before that remained were her pearl earrings and silver eagle ring that she wore on the middle finger of her left hand.

As she dressed, she couldn't help remember the history behind that ring. She'd received it from one of her professors at MIT during her two years as an undergrad. He was the professor in charge of theoretical and relativistic physics and took quite a liking towards her once she'd demonstrated outstanding ability in her comprehension of the course material. She began working under him, studying his work and research, aiding if she could. When she'd graduated, he'd given her the ring as a reminder of some of her best qualities.

"_An eagle is noble. Intelligent. Fierce. They are the symbol of freedom, living by their own means. Remember that Kristen, for you are much like an eagle. Never let the ideas and thoughts of others prevent you from achieving your own potential"_

She gave a small smile as she slipped on the ring, wringing out her still wet hair once before standing still. On cue again, a door appeared and as she stepped through, she stepped into yet another white room. She was directed to standing in the centre and she did as told, a bright red light coming on a second after she got in place, shining on her for thirty seconds.

"Contaminant Free. You are now ready for duty" the cool voice said from overhead as the wall in front of her opened to reveal Lt. Banks waiting for her in a hallway with a friendly smile on her face.

"Congratulations Cadet Shaw. Now, while we wait for your belongings to finish, there are some things you need in your possession before you depart for the Enterprise" Lt. Banks said as she gestured Kristen to follow her. They traveled down a series of hallways, Lt. Banks biding hello to a number of people they passed before arriving in a small, once again stark white room with a small table set up in the middle of it.

"First of all Cadet Banks this is your locator. Have this on you at all times, as it not only locates your position on the ship in case you are needed but is also a communicator" the Lieutenant said as she crossed the threshold into the room, approached the table, and picked up a small, silver Starfleet pin and placed it on Kristen's left pec, right above her heart.

"Second of all, this is a handheld computer with information on every single piece of equipment and technology the Enterprise has on board. Keep this with you at all times, as it is a valuable resource" she said, handing Kristen a palm sized computer with voice print recognition.

There were a few other cool gadgets the Lieutenant handed over to Kristen, but all of them paled in comparison to the mini computer. On her way back to her room, Kristen told the computer to bring up all the information available on transporter technology and was immediately immersed in advanced relativistic physics. She was so caught up with what she was reading that she accidently walked into three separate people on her way back, her mind unable to process the information she was reading.

The two hours it took for her belongings to be decontaminated passed quickly as she familiarized herself with some of the more common technologies on the ship; communication, weapons, thrusters capabilities. Although there were hundreds upon thousands of pages of information held in the tiny hand held computer, Kristen had always had a knack for retaining information. She had a sharp photographic memory matched with the ability to recall almost anything she'd ever read. It was one of her finer, less illegal talents.

When her belongings finally came she got off her bed, slinging them over her shoulder as she joined Lt. Banks on the walk to the transporter bay.

"Transport should take no longer than five seconds and you will not feel a thing. Good luck, Cadet Shaw. God speed" the Lieutenant said, shaking Kristen's hand in goodbye as they finally reached the pad. At the centre of the room was a small, circular plateau with several ridge like humps on it, each a faint blue colour. Around the plateau behind a protective shield of glass were countless technicians and control boards, each too complex and complicated for Kristen to even begin to understand just yet. She waited until called upon and then did as instructed, taking her place on one of the humps on the plateau as everyone in the room came to a stand still, a hundred or so odd eyes locked on her form.

"Energize" she said finally, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes. Immediately, hundreds of small lights began zipping around her, encompassing her body in a glowing halo of light before blinding her completely. Almost a second later, the lights were gone and she was in a different place; a small room with less than a tenth of the people in it but all of their eyes trained on her.

She let out her breath and looked around, taking in the change of surroundings. In fact, she did an entire 360 turn, whispering "Holy shit" as she realized that she'd just be transported thousands of light years in less than 5 seconds. She was just about to say the profanity again when she was interrupted.

"Cadet Shaw?"

Her attention was drawn to a man in a yellow Starfleet shirt standing about ten feet away from her, just a few steps down as a result of her place up on the transport pad. She was just realizing how crystal clear and piercing his blue eyes were when he spoke again.

"I'm Captain James T. Kirk. Welcome aboard the Enterprise"

**((Author's Note: So all of you are AWESOME! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, it means so much. Anyways, I know it's taken three chapters to get here but Kristen is FINALLY on the Enterprise! Stay tuned for sarcasm, adventure, a little bit of romance, and a whole lot of trouble! ))**


	4. Chapter 4

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Four: Yeah

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

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She threw her bags on her bed, her eyes too focused on taking in her surroundings to really care about her things. She was still shell shocked by it all; five minutes ago she'd been sitting on a bed at Federation HQ reading up on the di-Lithium chambers in the engineering bay and now she was standing in her very own quarters above the _Enterprise_. It all seemed so surreal but at the same time very corporeal. It was a lot to take in.

She didn't know what to make of the Captain. One of the first things she'd noticed, actually the first thing she'd noticed as soon as she'd gotten over the shock value of having been transported millions of light-years in less than five seconds, was just how handsome and young he was. Pike hadn't really told her much about the townie-turned-captain figure she apparently mirrored so well, but she'd never imagined someone who'd looked like him. He had a sharp cut face with stunning blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. But what really caught her about him was the capacity of emotion he held within him. She could tell he was very well capable of anything just by looking at him, an undefined arrogance he seemed to carry with him everywhere he went. Or so she'd seen.

-------

"_Admiral Pike has told me a lot about you" he said pleasantly as she stepped down off the platform, her eyes diverted away from the handsome captain to the control panels surrounding him. She didn't even notice his outstretched hand, poised to shake her's but not doing so since she didn't offer her's up._

"_Yeah, I wish I could say the sentiment was the same" she said with unaffected disinterest, too focused on trying to figure out the mechanics of the room. She was busy analyzing a board that apparently controlled the rate of particle reintegration when he spoke next._

"_Well, how about I show you to your quarters then?" he said, breaking her from her revere._

"_What? Oh, yeah. Sure" she said, not wanting to be ripped from the room just yet but informing the room's technicians she'd be back in ten minutes._

_He led her down a series of stark white hallways, the architecture of the ship so far very similar to the interior of the Federation. She stayed silent as she watched him wave hello and hit on several pretty female crew members, the air of arrogance growing every time another woman walked by. _

"_These are your quarters, cadet. We just need to input your biometrics and then all you need to do to enter the room is wave your hand by this sensor" the Captain explained as they came to a white door with the number 39084 over it. She watched as his fingers moved their way deftly across a small key pad until she was instructed to scan her hand over the sensor once. She did this twice more and then finally heard a cool female voice over head, greeting her._

"_Welcome, Cadet Shaw" the voice said before the door slid open, the satisfactory sound of a hydraulic kiss reaching her ears as the door retracted and allowed her entrance to her room. She stepped in slowly, so caught up in the understated elegance to the furniture in the room that she barely heard the Captain ask her to meet her in the bridge once she'd finished getting settled. _

_------_

After affirming to herself for the twelfth time that this ship was way better than any car she'd ever stolen, she checked her reflection quickly in her adjoining bathroom's mirror, running a quick hand through her long brown hair and over her green eyes to clear them of anything. She finally exited her room, retracing her steps back to the transporter room that had now been vacated by all but one individual.

"Hey there" she said in greeting before walking straight up to one of the control panels, eager to understand the logistics of behind what had just happened to her.

"Well hello there. And you are?" the lone occupant said in a chipper yet curious Northern Scotland, if she placed it right. She looked over him and smiled warmly, receiving a friendly but still confused smile in return from the man who had shortly cropped brown hair and sea foam green eyes. She stuck her hand out and he slowly extended his, shaking hands cordially before she returned her attention back to the control panel.

"Cadet Kristen Shaw. I just beamed in from Federation HQ. And you?" she asked, giving him another quick look and a smile.

"Montgomery Scott, Chief Engineer. So you just beamed in, did you. How long have you been a member of Starfleet?" he asked, swivelling back around in his chair to face the panel in front of him, electronic beeps being emitted as his fingers pressed the screen in different locations, signalling different things.

"About three weeks" she replied absentmindedly, as she pulled the mini-computer out from inside her boot and into her hand, wanting to learn more about the transporter pad's controls.

"Three weeks? Well then. They're certainly spitting them out fast now a days aren't they...you couldn't even get a sandwich in three weeks at my last post..." the engineer, looking at her surprisingly before turning to look at her critically and suspiciously, narrowing his eyes.

"You didn't finish a degree in three weeks, did you?" he asked, Kristen shaking her head in response but keeping her eyes on her mini-computer.

"No. I did do a degree in Mechanical Engineering at MIT in two years though" she said, causing the engineer to nod his head in appreciation.

"So than what are you doing here?"

She looked up from her computer and blinked, a little taken aback by the question.

"Excuse me?" she said, her voice dripping with intended aggression. The engineer took the hint, his eyes widening a tad as he saw the fire in her eyes before correcting himself.

"No, I mean, uh, what are you doing here, on the Enterprise? Your duties?" he said quickly, hoping to make up for his previous question.

She thought about it for a second and then realized she'd never been informed of what her duties would be aboard the ship. After all the testing and busyness of getting fit for duty on Earth, she'd never really asked Pike what kinds of things she'd be responsible for.

"That's a very good question. I know I'm assigned to be a Junior Engineer, but that's about the extent of what Admiral Pike, the man who recruited me, told me" she said honestly, now a little confused of just what exactly she was suppose to be doing here. A few awkward seconds passed before Scott spoke up again, obviously feeling guilty for killing her intellectual stimulation and curiosity.

"Do you know a lot about the ship?" he asked well intentionally, hoping to gain some insight into what her talents were exactly.

She shook her head.

"Weapons Systems?"

Another shake.

"Propulsion? Thrusters? Warp Travel?"

Another shake.

Another silence set in. It was as at every shake of her head, she was realizing just how out of place she was here on the ship. What the hell was she suppose to be doing? She'd never once stopped to think about what she'd be doing onboard, and she couldn't for the life of her figure out why that thought had never crossed her mind before.

"Well how about I give you a tour of her? Get you all caught up?" he offered, taking off his head set and gesturing towards the door. She nodded finally, slipping the computer back into her boot as she followed him out, trying once again to keep the insecure thoughts at bay.

-----------

The tour took longer than expected, and she learned more in the three hours walking around the ship with Monty, as she'd taken to affectionately calling him, then she'd ever imagined. They'd just arrived back to the transporter pad room when her eyes landed on Captain Kirk, sitting down on the pad with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped in front of him. Both she and Monty stopped laughing at a physics joke she'd just told and silence filled the room, her eyes trained on Kirk as he just watched them with an expression she couldn't quite place.

"Scotty, would you mind giving us a minute?" Kirk said, not removing his eyes off of her. She kept her eyes locked on him, her mind going back to her grade eleven anthropology class on dominance and the body language of alpha males_. _

_The Alpha Male is not to afraid make strong eye contact with people including people he doesn't know. This further demonstrates his strength and dominance._

Scotty gathered his things and asked Kristen to, when she got the chance, find him in the engineering bay to further discuss working as his assistant during her time aboard. She nodded to him as he left, but never for a second waivered in her eye contact.

"I don't know what Admiral Pike told you about chains of command but what I say goes on this ship Cadet" he said after a few more seconds of intensive eye contact. She was almost too distracted by his eyes that she almost didn't notice the tone of voice he was speaking to her with. Almost too distracted.

She cocked her head to the side a bit, raising an eyebrow in intrigue. She didn't take well to being ordered around, especially not by people who hadn't yet earned her respect. She'd always been fiercely independent, making her own decisions and doing what she wanted. She hadn't obeyed an order since she was thirteen, and that wasn't about to change now.

"Good to know" she replied with sarcasm, flashing the Captain a wicked smile before returning to a platonic face. She could smell a power trip coming like it was her job, and she could sense that one was coming just by the look on his face and in his eyes.

"That means when I ask you to come to the bridge after settling in, you go to the bridge" he said, narrowing his eyes as he stood up, not once looking away.

"And if I don't want to go to the bridge?" she challenged, now being difficult just for the sport of it.

He finally broke their eye contact as he laughed, letting out a light chuckle as he looked down to his feet, rubbed his eyes, and then sighed.

"I could care less about what you want or don't want, Cadet. When I say go, you go. When I say jump, you ask how high. This is how it works, especially for someone who bypassed training because they could write some exams to prove that they were smart enough to do basic math" he said with a hint of bitterness, folding his arms over his chest in another tell tale sign of male dominance.

She narrowed her eyes at him, her temperature internally rising as he dared questioned her intelligence. Sure, Pike may have told Kirk about her, but he obviously didn't tell him enough.

"Look, I don't know where you get off thinking you can t—" she started, ready to unleash some verbal hell towards this good looking, arrogant Captain who hadn't spoken more than a hundred words to her when the cool female voice of the ship spoke down to them from over head.

"Captain Kirk, you are requested on the bridge"

Kirk was looking at her with mild amusement, a smug smile playing so faintly on his lips she wanted to smack it off his face. He looked at her for a few seconds and then down at his feet, starting on his way out of the room at a brisk pace.

"Consider yourself saved by the ship. Follow me Cadet" he ordered stopping just outside the doorway to stop her from speaking, even though she was about to say something in retaliation.

"Just do it Shaw. Come on" he said, dropping the formalities as he turned to give her a look. He locked on her eyes in the same unhinging way he always did and then jerked his head, Kristen giving up and finding no harm in at least going to see what a bridge even looked like. That and the fact that she was curious as hell.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, both of them too stubborn to say anything until they finally reached the bridge.

The lift doors slid open and she was immediately awestruck by the sheer magnificence of the room. There were thirty or so odd people spread out amongst the room, each in either a blue, red, or yellow shirt. There were enough buttons, control panels and technology in this room that she felt as if she were in heaven. She wandered over what looked to be a pane of glass but instead was a touch screen for something she was eager to figure out. She was just about to touch it when someone called her name.

"Cadet Shaw, could you come over here for a second" Kirk asked, calling to her from the Captain's chair. She followed the sound of her voice, trying not to get distracted by the variety of different control boards around her as she found her way over to them, forcing herself not to roll her eyes as she observed the way he sat in the Captain's chair. She could almost see the air of arrogance surrounding him as he lounged in it, arms on the arm rests and one leg cross over the other.

After she'd finished analyzing his body language she took a look at the people gathered around him. Two men wore yellow shirts, one of Asian descent with an easy smile and the other most likely of Polish or Russian background with broad shoulders. Two men wore blue shirts, one with straight black hair, diagonal eyebrows and pointy ears while the other looked more human and probably from somewhere in the Midwest. The last person was a stunning dark skinned lady with straight black hair hanging down her back from a high pony tale and capturing dark eyes. They were all observing her with obvious interest and intrigue, except for the pointy eared man. He looked like he could care less.

"Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekhov, Bones, Spock, Uhura. This is Cadet Kristen Shaw. Junior Engineer and my new assistant" Captain Kirk said, giving Kristen another one of his easy, arrogant smiles.

"What?" Kristen choked, wanting to make sure she heard him right. _ASSISTANT??_

"Junior Engineer and assistant. Pike sent you to this ship so I could teach you. What better way for you to learn then to be by my side at all times?" he said, handing her back sarcasm in such a way that she almost appreciated it. She started to fume silently, enraged by the fact that she was going to have to spend more time then absolutely necessary with this arrogant, assuming jackass who had, just ten minutes ago, practically called her an idiot for skipping the Academy. She watched as the 5 observers each exchanged curious looks before going back to their duties, the two men in yellow shirts going to the console a few feet in front of the Captain's chair, Spock going to a control board behind the Captain, Bones leaving the bridge all together and Uhura going to her board as well.

"What could you possibly have to teach me. I'm a junior engineer and I highly doubt you're going to be able to teach me anything about relativistic physics and the way it pertains to warp speed travel" she bit back at him, more looks being exchanged throughout the bridge as the people around them watched them debate. She got the feeling by the way everyone was staring that it wasn't common behaviour to talk back to the Captain, but she could care less. She wanted to learn about the mechanics of the ship, not be somebody's lackey in charge of fetching them coffee.

Kirk just kept on smiling, corners of his lips gently turned up wards as his eyes bore into her intensively. She was starting to get really tired of that smile. In fact, she was starting to get really tired of him.

"I'm sure I'll find something to teach you. Anyways, you're probably tired and it is getting late so why don't you report back here at 0900 tomorrow morning" Kirk said with finality, turning his attention to Mr. Sulu and asking about how much longer they would have to wait before they could continue travelling at warp.

She remained standing where she was for a few more seconds, trying desperately hard to keep her temper under control. Finally, she turned almost mechanically away from him and started heading towards the door.

"See you tomorrow morning, Cadet" Kirk called cheerfully from his chair, Kristen grinding her teeth and biting her tongue to prevent herself from making a scene.

"Yeah" she called back, hailing the lift.

"That's Yes, Sir Cadet" he replied, pushing her almost to her limits. She turned back around and walked to where she could see him, glaring at him with death in her eyes as he surveyed her with nothing but amusement in his.

"Yeah" she retorted back defiantly, striding over to the lift and disappearing from the bridge with nothing but anger in her body.

**((Author's Note: This chapter took quite a while to develop. I pretty much started writing it yesterday afternoon and never really stopped thinking about it. I didn't know what kind of relationship I wanted Kirk and Kristen to have in the beginning but I eventually chose what has arisen now. Anyways, I'd really like to say THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR READING THIS! It means more than anything to know that someone's out there appreciating the time you spend writing something and enjoying it. Hopefully you all enjoyed this chapter and look forward to the next one. The relationship that develops between Kirk and Kristen throughout the course of this story isn't going to be easy and it isn't going to pretty. I'm going to make it as real as possible with the complexities and complications we all have within our own relationships. Anyways, that's enough about my ideas for the story. Thanks again, and keep on reading!))**


	5. Chapter 5

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Five: Someone's uh, dying.

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

"Cadet Shaw, please report to the bridge"

She barely glanced upwards, throwing another punch onto the canvas bag as its momentum swung back towards her. Her hair was plastered on her face with sweat, her face contorted in anger, hands up defensively as she continued to land blows on the bag.

This was how she relieved her rage. She wasn't a particularly deft fighter, but she appreciated the joy that came with managing to make someone feel her punch. She'd started training right around the time she'd started to steal cars and just like that hobby, she'd never really stopped. So after trying an infinite amount of times that night to fall asleep after being dismissed from the bridge by Kirk, she got up and changed into some workout clothes and spent about an hour roaming the halls of the ship looking for the gym. She was thrilled to find a set of punching bags just waiting for her, and she proceeded to unleash hell on them, imaging that ever blow she landed on the bag was being landed on Kirk.

She hated his stupid arrogant smile. She hated his arrogance in general. She hated the fact that she was going to have to be his stupid assistant. She hated Pike for even approaching her to come about this stupid ship. She hated the fact that she couldn't have just been a normal kid and grown up without having to steal cars to feel something. She hated the fact her parents were dead. She hated the fact that she always thought about these things when she was punching a punching bag. She hated a lot of things, most of which she should have let go already.

She didn't know how long she'd been at it, but she'd been paged to the bridge three times already so she guessed it was well past nine am. She kept throwing punches, the bag swinging on its chain swivel as it came back to her, another fist in a protective glove making contact. When she'd finally thrown a punch for everything she'd repressed for the past twenty three years, she grabbed the bag as it came swinging towards her, bringing it to a halt before ripping the Velcro that kept the gloves in place and throwing them off.

She was just massaging her right hand when she turned around, startled but at the same time embarrassed to find Kirk waiting for her at the doorway, arms over his chest as he leant against the doorway. His handsomeness and the way he wore the yellow shirt made her feel immediately self conscious, wiping the sweat off her face with the back of her hand to try and make herself look less messy, but knowing her attempt was futile. She slowly started walking towards him, unsure of what she was going to say but heading towards him nonetheless.

"Do you know how Admiral Pike first found me?" he asked once she was about six feet from him. She stopped in her tracks and sat down on the seat of one of the bike machines, physically and emotionally tired from her work out.

She shook her head, staying silent. She didn't know what she would say if she opened her mouth.

"I'd just gotten into a fight with 4 of his new cadets. I was literally on my back, on a bar table, having my ass handed to me by my current head of security" he said, tilting his head to look at her. She looked up at him, her chest rising and falling heavily as she tried to get her breathing and heartbeat back under control. She watched him smile at her, but recognized the noticeable absence of arrogance. He was just smiling at her, trying to be friendly. She didn't know what to make of it.

"Your point being?" she asked aggressively, raising her eyebrows in expectation of the relevancy of his comment.

As soon as the words left her mouth, he immediately clamed up, the sincerity of his previous smile gone, replaced with frustration and anger instead.

"I don't think I've ever met someone so resistant to direction" he said, shaking his head.

"And I don't think I've ever met someone so arrogant" she retorted, raising her eyebrows again.

"Oh, I'm the arrogant one?" he challenged, taking a step forward and gesturing towards himself with his left hand, his brow furrowed in anger as his eyes flashed dangerously at her.

"Yes, you are. You walk around these hallways acting as if you run shit" she said in reply, waving her hand around in the air to emphasize her point.

"Well Kristen, I actually do run shit. It's kind of my job, something you would have learned to day if you're reported to the bridge like I'd told you to" he said sternly, retracting the anger in his voice and replacing it with firmness.

"Yeah, about that whole taking orders thing. I don't think that's going to work"

"Then I don't think you being here is going to work. I can't have an officer continually disobeying my orders. I'll contact Federation HQ tomorrow to get you assigned to another ship" he said, giving her one last look of pity before turning to leave.

"You know, Pike told me the very first day we met that he wanted me on this ship because I reminded him of you. But I got to tell you Kirk, I just don't see it. I mean here you are, this big shot, arrogant Captain just because you got your own ship when you were 25. I'm just a 23 year old repeat offender who stole cars to keep herself occupied in a shitty world that was nothing but boring. We're nothing alike, not now at least" she said, getting off the bike and heading out of the gym, leaving him standing in the doorway watching as she departed.

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"Cadet Shaw, is it?"

She looked up from her food tray, her fork busy creating a crop circle in the middle of her mash potatoes as her eyes locked onto one of the men she'd met yesterday in the bridge, the doctor if she remembered correctly.

"Bones, right?" she asked, narrowing her eyes as she watched him nod, sitting down at the table she was at in front of her without asking permission.

"Actually my name is McCoy, Dr. Leonard McCoy" he said, outstretching a hand to her in introduction. She shook it and then returned her attention to her mash potatoes, needing to keep her mind occupied to prevent herself from thinking about the fact that she was going to get reassigned to another ship within the day.

"You alright?" he asked in between mouthfuls of food, looking at her with faint interest. She looked up from her food and analyzed him for a second. He was older than she was, probably mid thirties, with neatly combed back dark brown hair and analytical sea foam green eyes. He glanced up at her before continuing on with his meal.

"Yeah, I'm fine" she said, offering up a weak smile before going back to her food.

"You know, he used to be a lot like you, Kirk. Very abrasive, didn't care what others thought, standing up for himself, always sticking it to the man. He never really cared for authority all that much" the doctor mused as he continued to feed himself, only looking up in alarm when Kristen snorted.

"Yeah, sure. That's Captain Kirk alright, always sticking it to the man" she commented sarcastically, putting down her fork and taking a sip of her water.

"I'm guessing you haven't heard about the way he became Captain of this ship?" McCoy asked, giving her a curious look.

She shook her head no, but this time kept her attention on him, intrigued.

It took a few seconds, but the doctor finally realized that Kristen was giving him the look to elaborate.

"Oh no, no, no. That's his story to tell, not mine. All I'm saying is that I see a lot of him in you" he said, returning his attention back to his food.

She was about to open her mouth when she'd realized something; how would the doctor know her personality? He'd left the bridge yesterday before the almost blow out between her and Kirk ensued, and he hadn't been present at any other time when the two of them had talked? How did he have any idea what she was like?

"This is our first conversation, right?" she asked McCoy, giving him a curious look.

He nodded, keeping his eyes on his small piece of rehydrated chicken.

"Then how the hell do you have any idea what I'm like?" she asked, raising an eyebrow curiously at him as she watched his fork halting halfway from his plate to his mouth. He stayed like that for a few seconds before dropping his fork noisily onto his plate, withdrawing a small handheld computer from his back pocket.

"Sorry, but I gotta go, someone's uh...dying" he said, getting up in a hurry and walking swiftly out of the mess hall, bringing a smile to her face. She had a hunch about why he was informed of her personality but just shook it from her head, leaning back in her chair.

She didn't want to leave the Enterprise. She'd only been here about a day but she felt inexcusably linked to it, as if she was meant to be here. There was so much to learn and see, and she didn't want to learn about Starfleet technology aboard a second rate vessel from second rate engineers. She wanted to be here, aboard the Enterprise, the best Starfleet ship of them all. She wanted the best, because she finally realized she deserved it.

She knew what she had to do. She rose from her table, her feet taking her to the closest lift and heading off to the bridge. She'd been halfway through planning what she was going to say when she arrived on the bridge, the lift doors sliding back with a hydraulic hiss as she stepped out into the tactical HQ of the ship. She walked quietly into the bridge, her eyes going to the Captain's chair but finding it empty. After doing a sweep of the bridge, she found him sitting against the console, chatting amiably and comfortably with Mr. Sulu and Chekov, all of them laughing quite uproariously after Chekov made a wild gesture with his hands. They'd just begun quieting down when his eyes found her, the huge grin on his face sliding ever so slowly off his face, reduced to a mere smile. She smiled back at him and then gestured her head towards the lift, Kirk pushing himself up off the console as he said something to both Sulu and Chekov without taking his eyes off of her. He joined her as they walked to the lift, both of them stepping in as she hit the engineering bay button, the lift began zipping away.

"I was about to contact Federation HQ. I think you'd do quite well on the USS—"

"I don't want to leave the Enterprise" she said suddenly cutting him on. She pressed the stop button the lift and stepped in front of him, looking him dead in the eyes.

"Look, Cadet Shaw, Admiral Pike put you on this ship so you could learn from me, and I don't think he intended you to learn about physics or math. I think he intended you to learn about respect, honour, hard work, trusting your convictions. I can teach you those things Cadet, but you have to let me" he said in a low voice, his eyes sincere.

"I know that, I really do. It's just...I'm new at all this military, chain of command stuff" she said, running a hand through her hair, adverting her eyes down to her feet before looking back up at him.

He locked onto her green eyes, his crystal clear blue ones so intense and captivating it was as he were looking into her soul. They just stood there for a while, his eyes trying to penetrate the years worth of internal defences and guard she'd put up. He was trying to figure her out, get into her head, but she didn't let him. Instead, she just allowed herself to get lost in his eyes, forgetting about her almost dismissal from the ship and focussing on how irresistibly handsome he looked. After a few seconds he gave a short laugh, curling one corner of his mouth upward in a small smile.

"Well I guess that's lesson one"

-----------

"Cadet Shaw, please report to the bridge"

She looked up from the mess of wires and machinery in front of her, removing the screwdriver she'd held between her teeth as she called out to no one in particular.

"Computer, connect me to Captain Kirk" she asked, continuing on with her work. She'd come down to engineering about an hour ago after agreeing with Kirk that things needed to change and Scotty had immediately put her to work, tasking her to repair a fried circuit board. It'd taken much longer than she'd expected, and she wasn't quite done yet.

She'd spent quite a bit of time thinking about him, the Captain. Despite the fact he enraged her more than anyone she'd ever met, she was beginning to admire the way he handled the power and responsibility that came with being Captain. She admired the way he treated and respected his crew and although she'd never admit it to anyone, she was taking quite a liking to him.

"This is Captain Kirk speaking" she heard ring out from above her, his voice filling her ears.

"Hey, sorry, it's me. I'm in the middle of something, can I come up later?" she asked, looking up expectantly to the speaker above her head that emitted his voice.

"No Cadet, now" he said sternly, disconnecting the call and leaving her in silence. Fustratedly, she threw down the screwdriver in her hand aggressive and got up out of her chair, marching her way over to the lift with steam coming from her ears.

This was the kind of stuff she could not stand. Here she was, trying to do her job, and yet here he was, preventing her from doing so. She knew she had to at least try to abide by his rules, but that didn't mean she had to be happy with them.

She made her way to the bridge, reaching the command center, striding in with purpose as she came to a stop by his chair.

"What took you so long Cadet" he said with disinterest as he kept his eyes on the huge glass surface that was the viewpoint for the entire bridge.

"I was fixing something for Monty" she replied briskly, trying desperately to keep her temper under wraps.

He looked up from the console and gave her a warning look with his eyes, causing her to roll her own and clear her own.

"I was fixing something for Monty, _sir_" she said with dripping contempt and sarcasm. He looked up and gave her one of his arrogant smiles, nodding his head in appreciation before looking back to the screen.

"Better. Sulu, how we doing?" he asked.

"I'm putting her into geosynchronous orbit around Bajor, Captain" the helmsmen said, greeting Kristen with a smile and wave from his post at the control board.

"Excellent. Cadet Shaw, do you know what a Class M planet is?" he asked her, looking up at her with expectation.

She nodded once before speaking.

"Class M planets have atmosphere comprised of nitrogen and oxygen and have an abundance of liquid water necessary for carbon-based life to exist" she said, reciting to almost deadly accuracy the exact definition of Class M planets her handheld computer had given her.

"Very good. This is Bajor, a Class M planet, home to a sentient race called the Bajorans. Their a humanoid species we first came in contact with about six months ago and we recently got a transmission from them requesting our assistance" he said, rotating his chair to look at her.

She made a face, raising her eyebrows in sarcasm and pursing her lips.

"Sounds fascinating" she replied facetiously, withdrawing another dangerous look from the Captain. She rolled her eyes again.

"Myself, Spock, Scotty and your are going to beam down to planet to see what form of assistance they require and whether or not we can be of service. Be set go to in ten minutes" he said with finality, turning back around to face the screen. She turned and walked to the lift, still angered by the way he just dismissed her like always.

She headed back to her quarters and changed into more comfortable clothing, doing quick research on the landscape of Bajor in her room to dress accordingly. Eventually, she picked out black loose pants, her regular almost knee high black boots, a red Starfleet shirt and a black sports jacket that she zipped up half way, gathering her hair in a loose bun at the base of her neck before heading off towards the transport pad. She was just arriving when she saw Spock, Kirk and Scotty approaching from the other direction, each wearing similar vestments.

"All set to go, Cadet?" the Captain asked with an irritating enthusiasm, causing her to glare at him while they all filed into the transporter room, each taking a spot a top one of the small humps on the plateau.

"Let's just get this over with" she said bitterly, masking how excited she was to be going off exploring with the overtly evident distaste she had for the Captain's attitude.

"Oh, cheer up Shaw. This is Lesson Two: International Relations"

**((Author's Note:**** Hey everyone. First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE AMAZING REVIEWS! I got 18 on that last chapter, and that's a new high for me so thank you, thank you, thank you! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this and I have a bit of insider info some of you may be interested to here: I'm thinking about writing a chapter from Kirk's POV. Tell me what you think of that and of this chapter by reviewing =] Thanks again!))**


	6. Chapter 6

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Six: Trust needs to be earned.

_Disclaimer_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

He watched her from across the mess hall, eyes trained on her as she laughed at something Scotty said while gesturing grandly with his hands. He couldn't help but smile to himself as she threw her head back in jubilation, teeth bared in a chest heaving laugh that slowly dissipated to a smile. If anything, he had to admit that she had one hell of a smile.

"Have you warmed up to her yet?" a voice said, breaking him from his revere.

"What?" he asked, the smile sliding from his face as he looked to the doctor seated in front of him with a look of confusion on his face.

"Cadet Shaw, Kristen. Have you warmed up to her yet? You were pretty pissed the last time we talked" Bones said, Kirk immediately running over the conversation they'd had just a day ago in his head.

----------------

"_She's absolutely unbelievable. She comes aboard my ship without any formal training, disregards my orders and gives me attitude. I mean, who does she think she is? Everyone on this ship has done their time" he exasperated, turning around sharply and beginning his pace down the length of his private quarters. _

"_Well according to her rap sheet, so has she. 5 charged of Grand Theft Auto with about a year served" Bones called from the computer in the adjoining office room, wheeling himself into view of Kirk through the doorway as the Captain continued to pace._

"_I meant at the Academy, idiot. We all spent three years there, earning our dues. Where does Pike get off sending me some smart mouthed joyrider with no actual training" the Captain spat bitterly, running a hand through his short, sandy blonde hair as his blue eyes almost carved out holes in the floor with the tenacity at which he was glaring._

_His first impression of her had been nothing short of astounding. He knew that the cadet Pike was sending him was a 23 year old female, but he'd never imagined anyone looking like her. She was tall, only three inches shy of his own 6'1 frame with dark, chestnut wavy hair, brilliant green eyes and legs that seemed to go on for miles. But the astonishment dwindled almost wholly the second she failed to pay anything less than utmost attention to him as he welcomed her aboard. Since the second she'd stepped off that platform, his liking towards her had been reduced to almost zero, finally reaching the bottom of the barrel that morning after their disagreement in the ship's gym. He'd gone down to talk to her to try and reason with her, but instead received unmanageable attitude that he could not stand._

"_Oh, and she has the nerve to call me arrogant! That's a little pot calling the kettle black. The girl's been walking around here the past day as if she's entitled to be here. Well I have news for her, she isn't" he said, his voicing raising its volume at the end of the statement to emphasize his point. _

"_I don't know what you're getting so worked up about Jim, she's barely even been here twenty four hours" Bones chipped in, leaning back in the desk chair and placing his hands behind his head, elbows pointed out, as he continued watching the Captain pace back and forth._

"_And look what she's done in that time. I'm pacing, and I never pace" Kirk bit towards the doctor, finally coming to a halt and letting out a dramatic breath._

"_You still can't see it, can you?" Bones asked with obvious amusement, a crooked smile placed on his thin lips._

"_See what" James asked aggressively, not in the mood for any more games._

"_Jim. She's you a year ago with longer hair, boobs, and better looks" Bones said plainly, keeping with his ever direct method to try and get Jim to see the bigger picture._

"_What? That's ridiculous. I was nothing like her back then" Kirk replied, dismissing that evaluation outright and completely without giving any thought._

"_Really? Okay then. Go back one year, and answer me this. Did you not storm the bridge after realizing we were about to warp into the Romulan's trap, even though you were on board illegally? Did you not directly disobey Captain Pike's orders when choosing not to regroup with the other ships in the Laurentian System after becoming acting captain? Did you not get into a fist fight with an acting captain? Did you not refuse to answer that captain's questions?" Bones asked._

"_Oh come on! That was a completely different situation, our lives were at stake, I had to do something" Kirk reasoned, a slow and steady realization dawning on him as the underlying theme of what Bones was trying to say unravelled in his mind._

_She was just like him a year ago; cocky, self centred, ignorant, selfish, abrasive. He couldn't hate her without hating who he's used to be, and he didn't hate his former self. In fact, he rather liked his former self. His former self managed to get him his current job._

"_Well maybe if you just let her, Kristen's instincts to go against the grain might actually help us out somehow. All I'm saying Jim is that she's just like you, whether or not you'd like to admit it"_

"_She's just like me a year ago" Kirk corrected him, sighing defeatedly and collapsing onto his bed._

_Bones watched him for a second and then shook his head, returning the chair to seating position and rolling himself back towards the desk._

"_No, she's still like you. You haven't changed much" he called from the desk, Kirk bringing his head off the bed to glare angrily in the doctor's direction._

"_That's not funny you know" James called back, finally releasing his neck muscles as his head hit the mattress with an oomph._

_------------------_

"Are we really that a like, me and her?" Kirk asked, disregarding the doctor's question and instead, asking his own.

"Yeah Jim, you really are" Bones affirmed, nodding his head once before returning his attention back to his lunch.

"But how can I be all those things I said she was, arrogant, self centered, selfish, abrasive, ignorant, yet still be Captain? I mean, am I really that bad a person?" he asked, pressing on. His eyes went back to Kristen and watched her and Scotty talk over their own lunches.

"No, of course not. You've just got all the good stuff she's missing; the stuff Pike wants you to teach her. Honour, respect, discipline, courage, conviction. That stuff. The stuff that makes the other stuff seem less important" Bones said with odd kindness.

He couldn't figure out for the life of him why, but she'd managed to get under his skin more than anyone else he'd ever met. She irritated him down to his very core and shook the very pillars of his foundation with infallible conviction. But at the same time, he was completely and irrevocably intrigued by her. He could sense there was something more to her, deeper, and he was curious to find out what it was.

He kept looking at her for a little while longer, trying desperately to just figure her out. Eventually, Bones got up and left leaving him all alone at the table, his eyes still locked on her. After a few more minutes he got up, walking over to her slowly with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Scotty, can I borrow Cadet Shaw for a few minutes?" he asked, watching the look of humour and happiness slide ever so obvious off her face. He watched the two engineers exchange looks before she rose from her chair, joining Kirk stride for stride as they walked out of the mess hall.

"What did you think of Bajor yesterday, Cadet?" he asked after about a minute of them silently roaming the halls. He looked over his shoulder at her and watched as she shrugged her shoulders, turning to look at him as well.

"It was okay" she said with obvious disinterest that he saw right though. He'd practically invented the fake indifference move during his time at the Academy. He saw all the tell tale signs; forced straight lips to hide the smile he knew she was dying to give, eyes avoiding his own, hands clasped behind her back. She'd loved going off world, but he didn't understand why she refused to admit that to him.

"Bullshit. You loved it and you know it" he griped back, giving her a knowing smile. She glanced over her shoulder, saw his smiling face, and then released the muscles from her's to emit the silly grin she'd been holding back as well as a small chuckle.

"Yeah, okay. It was amazing, but still. You ripped me from what I was doing for Monty and that's the stuff I can't stand. I don't understand how I'm supposed to be a junior engineer and your assistant at the same time. I can't keep leaving projects unfinished" she said plainly as they kept walking, Kirk feeling internally quite happy that they were having their first conversation without biting each other's heads off.

"Well, welcome to Starfleet then. When the Captain calls, you come running. It's how it works, because a lot of the time when the Captain needs you, it's for something urgent. I don't just rip people from their lives for the hell of it, I only call for people outside of the bridge when absolutely necessary" he explained diplomatically, surprised by even his own levelness.

"And it was urgent that I go to Bajor?" she asked, her voice turning to aggression as their conversation took a sharp turn off of Friendly Lane and onto Disagreement Boulevard. That was short lived.

"Yeah Cadet, it was. It—" he began, only to be cut off.

"Why? Why was it is so important, huh?" she asked in a raised voice, taking a threatening step forward to him, her eyes ablaze with an emotion he couldn't quite place but recognizing it was somewhere between anger and rage.

"Because, Cadet, it was suppose to show you that there are more important things on this ship than you fixing some stupid circuit board. God Kristen, when are you going to realize that this isn't about you? This isn't about me, it isn't about the ship, and it sure as hell isn't about you. What we do here on the Enterprise is bigger than all of us. It's important, do you realize that? Starfleet is a peace-keeping humanitarian armada" he said, raising his own voice to her, becoming overly aware of how close she had stepped to him.

They glared at each other for a few seconds, each wholly agitated and irritated by the other, before he looked away, not able to look into her eyes any longer. He took a step back from her and looked down, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and his forefinger.

"God, I sound just like Pike" he griped quietly to himself, looking up at her when he heard her emit a snort of laughter, chuckling to herself as she shook her head.

"Yeah, you do" she agreed, giving him the first friendly smile that had ever been directed his way. He smiled back and chuckled himself, both of them sighing defeatedly.

"Look Cadet. I meant what I said. What we do, what the Federation does. It's important. More important than I think any of us will ever really understand. But in order for us to do the best job we can around here, my crew needs to trust me and I need to trust them. We need to work as one" he said plainly, looking back at her.

He watched as she looked away from him, folding her arms over her chest and looking down at her feet.

"Trust needs to be earned, you know" she bit back at him with tolerable hostility, withdrawing a crooked smile from the Captain.

"I know that Cadet. But I'm your Captain, and I don't have to earn anything from you. The fact that I'm in charge of this ship and all its personnel should be plenty enough to not only earn but deserve your respect" he said, gesturing to her as they began walking again.

"The fact that you're Captain of this ship Kirk means jack shit to me. Your rank only goes so far. To me, you're just some arrogant, power hungry, selfish man in charge of making sure we don't die" she said with point blank honesty, showing absolutely no regard for respect.

"You know Cadet, I want you to do something for me. After becoming Captain of this ship I had to write a dissertation about the events that lead to me being appointed Captain. Read that, then come talk to me about which one out of the two of us is arrogant and selfish" he said, finally reaching the ends of his patience with her for what seemed like the infinite time since she'd come aboard.

He turned on his heel swiftly and headed down the hallway in the opposite direction, once again at internal odds with himself. There was a part of him that could not stand her but at the same time an equally as big part of him was inexplicably attracted to her. Part of him appreciated the way she spoke her mind freely while the another part of him couldn't stand the way she shot her mouth off to him. H was internally conflicted, and he had no idea what to do about it.

"Captain Kirk, you are requested on the bridge" the cool female voice of the ship called down to him as he stalked his way towards the lift at the end of every hallway.

"Kirk to Bridge. Mr. Sulu, what's going on?" he asked as the computer connected him to the bridge, concern etched into both his voice and face as he sprinted the remaining distance, sliding into the lift and pressing the bridge button.

"There's something you need to hear Captain" the helmsmen said, Kirk unable to identify if it was excitement of fear in his voice. He was at the bridge within seconds, walking briskly into the command centre as he watched the control screen as he took his seat.

"What is it?" he demanded, turning in his chair to look at his Communication's Officer, Lieutenant Uhura.

"We just got another transmission from the Bajorans, Captain" she said, turning to her control panel and hitting a few buttons before turning back towards him.

A few seconds later, the sounds of screams and gun shots erupted in the bridge, so real it was as if it were happening right in front of him. He proceeded to listen as one of the commanders of the planet begged for assistance, citing the formation of rebel forces last night shortly after Spock, Cadet Shaw, and Scotty left the planet. It ended with the commander begging for help and a blood curdling scream of a woman. The transmission stopped there.

There was a short silence in the bridge, thirty or so odd pairs of eyes locked on him as his mind churned, trying to digest what had just happened and develop a plan.

"Uhura, contact Federation HQ and inform them of the situation. Mr. Sulu, take us back into geosynchronous orbit. Chekov, scan the planet, I want to know what kind of weapons these rebel forces have. What the hell is going on?" he said, ordering them all about before eventually turning back to the screen.

"Spock?" he called, turning around and facing his Vulcan first officer who was staring with a nothing short of stoic expression at him.

"I do not know. After our encounter and discussion with the Bajorans yesterday, it appeared that the only assistance they required was medical supplies to deal with a flu like pandemic that seemed to have developed amongst their people. The organization of rebel forces seems to suggest that the pandemic may in fact have been a biological weapon and potentially the first step in a coup d'état" Spock said, his voice level and toneless, his logic sound.

"But why attack now? If the flu was a bioweapon, why would they expose themselves now as rebels? Why not wait until more people were infected?" Sulu asked, Kirk turning around to look at him before ooking back at Spock.

"Because we responded to their distress call. The rebels got scared that the military leaders may have figured out their plan and they didn't want to give us time to get boots on the ground. They wanted to strike while they could and take over before we could intervene" Kirk said, getting out of his chair and walking slowly towards the screen, stopping once he was in front of the centre console.

"Sir, they're deploying a unit of warships" someone called to him, everyone moving to their stations and beginning to talk rapidly, the volume in the bridge increasing significantly at the news of this.

He pressed a button on the arm of his chair twice, hearing two high pitched beeps emit before speaking.

"Cadet Shaw, please report to the bridge now" he said before going back to sit in his chair.

"Go to red alert, full power to frontal shields, phasers on my mark. Are their ships advanced?" Kirk said and asked, barking out orders as everyone busied themselves preparing themselves for battle.

"This should not be a problem. Their warships are primitive at best, Captain" Spock informed him as Kristen came bounding into the bridge, skidding to a halt in front of him.

"What's up? It sounded urgent" she said, her wavy hair billowing around her face as her eyes flickered from him to the control screen in front of him.

"Oh shit" she exclaimed as the warships approached, 6 or 7 tiny ships becoming larger and larger as they approached.

"Are we going to kill them?" she asked, looking back at him as he gave her the faintest of smiles. She was worried. But more than that, she'd said we. Are **we** going to kill them. She was finally beginning to understand that this ship was a unit, which worked as one.

"Uhura, hail the warships" he said, rising from his chair and coming to stand beside Kristen.

A second later, the screen turned blank and then was filled with the image of a male Bajoran, human looking except for the 6 horizontal creases across his nose. He looked different than the Bajorans they'd met with last night; this man had war paint in an intricate pattern along each of his cheeks.

"This is Captain James T Kirk of the USS Enterprise. I'm ordering you to stand down immediately and cease the hostilities against the Bajorans. I'll negotiate a meeting with both your leader and the leader of the Bajorans to discuss what has been going on" he said with the utmost of authority, watching out of the corner of his eye as Kristen looked up at him, her eyes somewhere between surprise and admiration. He didn't risk looking down at her and instead kept his eyes on the screen in front of her.

"This was not your fight to become involved in. Leave now and your ship will be spared" the Bajoran said in a gravelly voice, his eyes harsh as the warships approached.

"Kirk, they're almost within weapons range" Kristen whispered into his ear, receiving an acknowledging nod from Sulu to notify the Captain that her assessment was correct.

"Once again I'm ordering you to stand down. I repeat, stand do—" he said sternly, being cut off as the man on the screen began yelling.

"WE SHALL DO NO SUCH THING!" the Bajoran yelled, the transmission ending a sirens went off within the bridge as the warships entered weapons range and began locking onto the Enterprise.

"Fire phasers" Kirk ordered, signalling to both Chekov and Sulu to fire. Spock's assessment of the warships had been deadly accurate, 6 of 7 warships being destroyed instantly as the Enterprise sustained minimal damage done by the remaining warship's missiles. The bridge shook violently as one of the missiles hit nearby, everyone hanging onto their consoles as Sulu took care of the last warship with one last fire of the phasers. The shaking dissipated and he turned to Kristen who was still staring at the screen, shocked at the events that'd just transpired.

"I guess that's lesson three, Cadet. Conflict Resolution"

**((Author's Note: Hey you guys. First of all, thank you SO much for all the amazing reviews. Like I said, it means more than you all could possible know. About the legitmacy of this chapter, I'd like to point out that the Bajorans are an actual race from the Star Trek world. That being said, I do apologize if the timing or other characteristics of the Bajorans in this chapter are incorrect. I know the Bajorans do not come into play until the late 23/24 century so, yeah. I hope I didn't offend anyone with my creative elaborations! Second of all, I hope you all enjoyed this little view into Kirk's world. I'm trying really hard to get Kirk's voice/canon right. I basically close my eyes and imagine Chris Pine saying it in my head and if I think he'd say it, I write it. Also, incase anyone's confuse by what I wrote, in Coles notes, Kirk is both amused/attracted and annoyed/repulsed by Kristen. He hates her but at the same time is drawn to her. I tried to emphasize the duality to his feelings but just incase it was confusing, I hope that cleared it up. Anyways, the next chapter SHOULD deal with Kristen reading his dissertation so, look forward to that! Please review like always, and thank you so much for reading!))**


	7. Chapter 7

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Seven: One Stupid Ship

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

"After realizing that our warp engines would not be enough to overcome the gravitational pull of the black hole, I instructed Chief Engineer Scott to try and boost our Warp output. When he informed me that we were maxed out already, he proceeded to suggest releasing our di-Lithium cores and detonating them, hoping the blast from the explosion would be enough to push us to a safe distance. It was around this time the hull began to breach, the bridge itself become dramatically unstable as cracks began to disperse. However, Chief Engineer Scott's plan worked and we were pushed from the black hole to a safe enough distance to use thrusters to return us back to Federation Headquarters. After we returned to Earth so the Enterprise could undergo repairs, I was promoted to Captain and instructed to report to the newly promoted Admiral Pike to relieve him of duty as Captain of the Enterprise. I am now there, captain of the USS Enterprise, tasked with exploring and seeking out new civilizations in this universe. This is Captain James T Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise" he said through the speaker, his voice finally going silent after about three hours of speaking.

She was lying on her bed ,flat on her back, arms outstretched on either side of her, legs straight out as she listened to his dissertation for the third time. She didn't know what she'd expected of his past to be honest. By the way he carried himself, she'd thought that he'd coasted through the Academy with ease. She never once thought he'd directly disobey orders and then go on to save all of their lives. After hearing his dissertation, she had to admit that Pike was right. Maybe they were really alike after all.

She told the computer to rewind to the part when he first stormed the bridge, and waited until his voice, the recording of his voice at least, began filling her ears again.

"I'd gotten onboard illegally with the aid of Dr. Leonard McCoy. He'd injected me with a virus, Milvaran Mudflies I believe and then brought me on board citing a medical code dictating that the transporting of patients is left to the discretion of their attending physician which at the time was him. Once aboard the Enterprise he gave me a sedative and then the vaccine, at which time I became unconscious.

As I awoke, I heard now Navigator Pavel Chekov on a ship wide transmission talking about what appeared to be a lightning storm in space in response to a distress call from Vulcan. I immediately remembered Captain Pike's dissertation about his time aboard the USS Kelvin, as well as my own recollection about the day of my birth.

25 years ago almost to the day a similar phenomenon, a lightning storm in space occurred close to where the USS Kelvin was flying. As they approached to examine what the disturbance was, they were immediately engaged in battle with what appeared to be a large mining vessel occupied by Romulans. After being hailed by the Romulans and asked to send their captain aboard in order to negotiate a ceasefire, then Captain Robau, captain of the Kelvin, was terminated aboard the mining vessel and the Kelvin was immediately reengaged, eventually culminating in the destruction of the USS Kelvin as acting Captain Kirk was forced to remain aboard in order to defend the fleeing shuttles. This resulted in the eventual head on collision of the Kelvin with the Romulans ship after the auto pilot function of the ship was destroyed. Acting Captain George Kirk died that day defending the fleeing shuttles which contained over 800 lives, including my own"

She told the computer to pause, her heart in her chest wrenching slightly at the tone of his voice. She could almost feel the pain in his voice as he relived the day that had changed so much in his life. She began empathizing with him, knowing what it feels like to grow up without a Dad. IT was just another part of him she'd never imagined; in her life, broken people came from broken families. He seemed so together, so proper, that she'd always thought he'd come from a perfect family that lived in the suburbs in a big house with a white picket fence. He'd almost come from as broken of a life as she did. Almost.

"After realizing the incredible similarity between the events that occurred on the day of my birth and the storm happening in the neutral zone that caused the distress call from Vulcan, I immediately sought out Lieutenant Uhura to confirm a suspicion I had. I asked her about the transmission she'd intercepted just days prior about an attack on a Klingon prison planet. When I asked if the ship that'd attacked had been Romulan, she confirmed my suspicion and followed as myself and Doctor McCoy made our way to the bridge.

Once there, I proceeded to inform then Captain Pike that Vulcan was not in fact experience seismic activity; that they were being attacked instead. Words were exchanged and I was ordered from the bridge by Commander Spock, but I remained and continued to press my point. When Commander Spock asked why I thought this, I informed him of the correlation between the lightning storm occurring in the neutral zone then and the storm that occurred 25 years ago. I then informed him of the transmission Lt. Uhura and the Romulan ship, only to be proven correct once we dropped out of warp. We dropped out of warp right above Vulcan to find the six other Federation vessels that had departed for Vulcan mere seconds before we did completely destroyed. It was approximated that over two thousand lives were lost that day"

She told the computer to pause again. More pain. In the three day's she'd been here, she hadn't once seen him show the sense of pain and sadness she could tell was in his voice when he'd recorded his dissertation. She could tell he was genuinely saddened by the amount of life loss that day, something she wouldn't have suspected from him. She'd never anticipated the intensity at which he could feel, she'd just always assumed he was too caught up with his own life to care about others. After listening to him for the past three hours, she couldn't help but realize she was horribly, horribly wrong.

She rolled over onto her stomach and looked at the digital clock built into the wall above her bed, angry red numbers shouting that it was 3:15 in the hypothetical morning, since time was not actually defined in space. She sighed, telling the computer to raise the lights in her room from the dimness she'd set it to when she'd intended to go to sleep about three hours ago. The lights rose swiftly and she rolled off her bed, brushing her hair out of her face as her feet found their way in to the standard issue black Starfleet moccasin slippers. She pulled a red robe over her black sleeping shorts and tank top, stepping out into the hallway and letting her feet guide her as she took a walk.

She didn't know who or what she was looking for, but all she knew was that she'd just learn a hell of a lot by listening to Kirk's dissertation, about him and about life. As she strolled around the halls feet shuffling as she walked, she took in how quiet and peaceful the ship looked when no one was around. Everything was so white and pristine it felt as if she was walking in blizzard, snow falling all around her, but at the same time not. It was dazzling but at the same time unnerving. In the brightness of the halls, she felt as if she had nowhere to hide. The white halls provided no sanctuary for her many, many secrets which unsettled her greatly.

Her feet had brought her to the mess hall, and as she turned the corner into the doorway, her eyes peered in and saw that her feet hadn't been the only pair that'd brought their owner to the mess hall that night. Sitting at a table in the centre of the room, steaming mug sitting in front of him was Kirk, looking significantly different than she'd ever seen him. He was dressed down in his sleeping clothes, black drawstring flannel pants and a loose yellow v-neck shirt with a pair of black framed glasses propped on his nose in front of his eyes, which were currently looking at his mug. He was sitting in one of the chairs leaning forward, elbows on the able with his hands on the opposite arm's upper arm. In that very moment, with nothing but the emergency lights on in the room, she had to admit how incredibly handsome he looked, especially dressed down. But more than anything, he looked tired. She could almost see the bags under his eyes.

"Can't sleep?" she said, interrupting his thoughts after several minutes of thoroughly appreciating him from afar. She watched as he looked up from his mug, his eyes finding her as she walked slowly into the mess hall and over to the coffee machine, pouring herself a cup and then joining her. She placed it next to his, slid out a chair from the table and sat down, bringing her knees up and resting her shins on the table edge.

"One of the cons of being Captain. Kept up every night worrying about someone else's problems" he said with a throaty chuckle as he took one of his hands and rubbed the back of his neck.

"What about you, Cadet?" he asked, bringing the hand off of his neck and to his mug, carrying it to his lips as he took a sip of the caffeinated liquid.

"Please James, it's three in the morning. Call me Kristen" she said, cocking her head to the side slowly as she gave him a small smile. He returned it after a few seconds of looking her square in the eyes before speaking again.

"Fine. Then what about you, Kristen. What's keeping you awake at three am?" he asked with quiet amusement, taking another sip from his coffee.

She chuckled at this, this time bringing her hand to her neck as she gave it a rub, feeling the ache of being awake two hours past her usual bed time. She gave a smile to her mug before speaking.

"I just listened to your dissertation three times" she said with honesty even she was surprised about. He gave her a surprised face and then returned his hands to their place on the opposite bicep, continuing to look at her with indiscernible emotion.

"And?" he asked, waiting for her to elaborate.

"And nothing. What, you think the fact that you saved the lives of your ship by disobeying the previous Captain's order's changes thing between us? You've got to be kidding" she said with obvious sarcasm to let him know she was kidding. After they both had a good chuckle, she sighed and then spoke honestly.

"I'll admit that I may have been a little hard on you in the beginning but...I think I understand now. I mean hell, if you've changed into someone better than I sure as hell can" she said with more sarcasm, this time only withdrawing a smile from the Captain.

"I have my reasons for being the way I am. What's your excuse?" he asked with humour, taking another sip from his mug but giving her a look with his eyes that told her that he wasn't kidding.

She looked down at her own mug, diverting her eyes, not knowing whether or not she was ready to tell him about her own past yet. But all it took was one look into his crystal clear eyes, and she became ready.

"Parents died when I was one and a half. Jumped from foster home to foster home as a kid. Got bored around sixteen and started stealing cars to pass the time. I tell people it's for the thrill, you know? _For the thrill of it. There's nothing like the feeling of trying to out drive the cops in a classic car on the streets of California. It's the ultimate thrill. _But that's not it at all. I was just bored with life. Got my degree from MIT by the time I was 18 and after that it was hard to do anything without wanting to drive a spike through my skull. Even stealing cars got boring after a while. There's only so many times you can hot wire a vintage Mustang or Cadillac before they all start feeling the same" she said, keeping her eyes locked on her mug the entire time.

"So then why'd you keep doing it?" he pressed, his voice quiet.

She shrugged her shoulders once, tilting her head to the other side as she brushed some hair out of her face.

"Just to feel something. Life gets pretty lonely after a while when you're on your own. After a while I started stealing them just to make sure I could still feel something, anything. Stealing the cars reminded me that I was still human, you know?" she said, looking up from her mug and directly at him.

They sat there for a few minutes, silence clinging to the air like smoke as her green eyes locked onto his blue ones.

"Yeah. I know" he replied, his voice even quieter this time as he spoke, his eyes still trained on her.

She looked away from him, diverting her eyes from him to her own hands.

"Pike told me that you always return the cars if you don't get caught. Why's that?" he asked in the same quiet voice that was both shockingly honest and sincere.

"It was never about taking the cars. It was just about driving them and feeling the thrill of the chase. If I didn't get that, I always returned the car. I didn't want someone's live ruined just because I...don't have a soul or something"

"Don't...don't do that. Don't desensitize yourself. The fact that you would return the cars says something about you Kristen. It says you can do better, that you deserve better than the life you were living. You're not a bad person. Just bored" James said, his words bringing her eyes off of her hands and up to him.

"Being aboard this ship...I don't think I've ever been a part of something so amazing before" she said, looking around the mess hall and being overwhelmed by how advanced and amazing it was. Everything was a million times more fantastic then she'd ever imagined, especially at three in the morning.

"You were good in the bridge yesterday. Dealing with the incoming warships. You handled that well" she said after about a minute of comfortable silence. He looked up from his mug and put a hand on the back of his neck again, looking down at his own hands after meeting her eyes for the briefest of moments.

"I never gets easier, you know? Choosing to kill people. It never gets easier. Weighs on you just the same every time" he said, showing her some his ability to feel much like his voice did in his dissertation.

"We had no choice" she said in an almost bear whisper. She was overwhelmed by his capacity to feel; she could tell the deaths of the Bajorans were weighing heavily on him, heavier then she knew he'd ever show in public. But the stark honesty he was showing her now, guards down, heart on his sleeve, was undeniably attractive. Her own heart started to race slowly, her eyes locked on him as he looked up briefly to her before returning his gaze back to the mug.

He shook his head slightly, one hand still on his neck and the other on his arm.

"I wish that changed things somehow, but it doesn't" he said again in a quiet tone, shaking his head again.

She did something now that she wouldn't have dreamt of doing twenty four hours ago. She released her shins from the table's edge, put her feet on the ground, and then leant forward, placing her hand above his on his arm.

She kept her hand there for a few moments, drawing his eyes to her's the second their skins made contact. The move she knew would be inappropriate at any other time but in that very moment, he wasn't her Captain and she wasn't one of his cadets. They were just two people, one weighed down by a decision he made just hours ago, the other confused in what she could do to ease his pain.

After a few moments he gave her a crooked smile, looking down at her hand and then up at her. She saw the faintest traces of an arrogant glimmer in his eyes and she withdrew her hand, unsure of what he was thinking.

"What?" she asked, demanding to know what was going through his head.

"You said we. We had no choice. And yesterday you asked if we were going to kill them. You're finally beginning to understand how this all works. Maybe there's hope for you after all" he said, raising an eyebrow to her as she sat back in her chair, giving him an arrogant look with her eyes as well, crooked smiles playing on both of their lips.

"You know, I've spent the better part of these past three days hating you" she said eventually, breaking their eye contact as she brought her now luke warm cup of coffee to her lips, taking a sip.

He choked on the coffee he'd been drinking and laughed, giving her a dazzling smile and look with his crystal clear blue eyes. She smiled back at him but kept quiet, taking enough pleasure in seeming look happier than he had since she'd been onboard.

"Yeah well, you weren't exactly on my list of favourite people either, Kristen. That's for sure" he said, keeping the smile on his face.

"You're just so arrogant" she exasperated, putting on a smile as she informed the captain for the second time about the size of his ego. This time however, he was smiling back at her.

"What, are you kidding me? You've been walking around this ship the past three days acting as if the rules don't apply to you. You know, disobeying a Captain's orders is grounds for dismissal" he replied, giving her a pointed yet humorous look as he took another sip from his mug.

"Hey, it didn't stop you and it hasn't stopped me. Just think, if you hadn't of ignored your Captain's orders, we'd both be living very different lives. Well, one of would at least. You'd probably be dead" she joked, their laughs echoing off the walls of the silent mess hall.

"Do you think about that day a lot?" she asked once the laughter died down. He looked up from him mug and nodded once before looking back down.

"Everyday"

"6 ships. That's a lot of people" she replied quietly, the stillness of an emotionally deep conversation setting in around them.

"Not to mention Vulcan. 6 Billion lives lost that day because of one ship. One stupid ship" he muttered, his voice tapering off to a whisper that she couldn't hear. She watched as he pushed himself back in his chair, a sigh of defeat coming from his chest as he shook his head.

"Too soon?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him and putting a look of apology on her face.

He looked at her and nodded, his lips going thin and his hands curling into fists.

"Too soon"

She watched his eyes go dark as he continued to look at his mug, anger overcoming him as he thought of that day. Eventually, she rose from her chair and took both of their mugs and placed them on the cleaning belt, walking back over to him before gesturing her head towards the door.

"It's late, we should head to bed" she said as he got up out of his chair and met her by the doorway, Kristen relived to find his eyes returning back to their normal lightness and joviality.

"You know, we should spend more time together" he said after a few seconds of silent walking, turning to give her a heart racing look through his glasses.

"Excuse me?" she asked abruptly, stopping in her tracks as she demanded to him to clarify what she meant. Sure, she was warming up to the guy, maybe even starting to like him, but she wasn't about to go on a date with him.

He looked at her stunned face and still form and laughed shaking his head once before letting out a low breath.

"Relax Kristen, I meant on the bridge. You have a lot of potential and I think you should spend more time on the bridge learning about the ship's systems. I also want to get you into some of our onboard simulations to see what your instincts are made of" he said as she was relieved by his answer, a smile coming to her face as she resumed walking.

"I'd like that. I could split my time between the bridge and engineering. Bridge from 7 to noon, the engineering after with Monty. I like it" she said, planning out her day in her head before giving him a smile.

"How's the training with Scotty going anyways?" he asked, calling the chief engineer by a different nickname.

She nodded a few times, giving him a smile over her shoulder before speaking.

"It's going really well. We've covered propulsion and the di-Lithium cores so far, as well as weapons capabilities. That's how I knew the warships were entering weapons range, by the way" she cited with faux arrogance, withdrawing another laugh from the Captain.

"I heard you say that, I was very impressed" he replied with sarcastic honesty, the pair of them laughing quietly as they continued on their way.

"Why thank you. Anyways, these are my quarters" she said, coming to a halt in front of her door and swinging her hand by the biometric scanner.

"This was...nice" she said, stepping into the doorway and leaning against one side of it after the door retracted with a hydraulic hiss.

He let out a single laugh, looking down at his feet before looking back up at her with a searing look in his eyes.

"Good night, Cadet" reverting back to formality as he stepped from her door and began walking down the hallway to his own quarters"

"Night Captain" she called back to him, both of them laughing as she stepped through the doorway into her own room and stopped, not unable to shake the feeling from her bones that she'd just had one of the most magical nights of her life.

The door hissed closed behind her and she leant back against it, a silly grin on her face. What the hell was she doing? Less than twelve hours ago they were arguing in a very similar hallway to the one she'd just stepped out of, both enraged and angered by the other. How did things change so much, so quickly? She walked forward and flopped down on her bed, the computer prompting her immediately if she'd like to listen to the remainder of the dissertation.

She asked the computer to shut off the lights and play the very last seconds of the dissertation as she got under the covers of her bed, the sound of his voice lulling her to sleep even before her head hit the pillow.

"This is Captain James T Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise"

**((Author's Note****: So I really hope everyone enjoyed this chapter! I tried very, very hard to get the sincerity and vulnerability of the scene between Kirk and Kristen in the mess hall right, because it's going to be a defining moment in their friendship/relationship. I also really wanted the scene to appear genuine and real, which I hopefully made happen. Anyways, thanks again for all the AMAZZZZIIINNNNGGGG reviews, it meant/means so much to have people reading and liking what I'm doing! Please keep reading and please keep reviewing. I know their relationship is slow moving but, I'm trying to make this as actual as possible. Relationships don't form over night, they take time and work. It's little things, the complexities, that make relationships and that's what I'm doing with Kirk and Kristen. Anyways, that's enough about my thought process. Please read and review and, like always, look for an update tomorrow!))**


	8. Chapter 8

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Eight: Back-up Generators

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

"So that handle to your left controls our warp speed?" she asked, leaning forward in the Captain's chair as Sulu explained the navigational systems to her.

She'd arrived early to the bridge that morning after three tiresome hours of sleep that did little to ease her exhaustion. She'd grabbed a quick breakfast of some fruit and a glass of juice and then made her way over to the bridge, her feet taking her an entire hour before she was suppose to be there. The command centre was quiet and rather empty that early in the morning, the only occupants Mr. Sulu and Spock who was working quietly on his own behind her. She'd wandered over to Sulu and he'd almost immediately began running over the navigational systems with her, Kristen taking an immediate liking towards the friendly Asian man with an ease smile and an adorable laugh.

"That's right" he said, backing up in his chair to show her the silver lever that was almost flush with the control panel.

"And we usually travel at warp speed six?" she said, remembering what Monty had told her about the ship's propulsion systems.

Sulu nodded his head once, giving her a smile.

"That's correct. Although we have the capabilities to reach warp—"

"Eight. Got it. Nine even, but we're not going to push it. What are our warp capabilities compared to those of a Freedom or Daedalus class starship?" she asked, citing two other standard vessels with good warp capabilities within the Federation's fleet of vessels.

Sulu was just opening his mouth to answer when the doors to the bridge opened, Kristen hearing his voice even before she saw him as he walked in, McCoy beside him as the two spoke congenially, both stopping in their tracks as they rounded the corner and saw her in the Captain's chair.

"Well isn't this ironic" McCoy said, giving James a sarcastic grin before clapping him on the shoulder, moving on to talk to someone else.

"Out of the chair" Kirk said, giving her a small smile but remaining stern. She laughed and got up, moving off to the side as he took his command chair and then spun to look at her, his blue eyes puffy and blood shot from the lack of sleep but still bright and clear none the less, the glasses from last night gone.

"How are you feeling Cadet?" he asked as more of the bridge crew began streaming in, the night shift members heading off to bed.

"Tired. Very, very tired but happy to be here none the less. I was thinking of spending my time today with Mr. Sulu and learning about navigation? I know about all the mechanics behind it, but it's pretty interesting learning the controls and stuff" she said, looking and smiling towards Sulu who was smiling back at her and the Captain.

Kirk turned to look at the helmsmen and then back at Kristen, who was looking at him expectantly. He looked between them once more before speaking.

"As you were" he said, giving her a smile as she took a step towards Sulu, either too tired or too dazzled from his smile that she forgot that the chair was elevated on a platform. Needless to say, a second later she was hurtling towards the floor as she miss stepped, crumpling like a sack of potatoes on the floor beneath the Captain's chair plateau. Sulu rushed over to help her, putting a caring hand on her shoulder as he helped her stand, the snicker of a familiar voice reaching her ears. She was brushing her hair away from her cherry red cheeks coloured with embarrassment when she saw Kirk chuckling to himself, his eyes sparkling much like they were last night whenever she'd made a joke. She was just about to say something when he held up a hand, a signal to tell her that everything was okay, before he spun around in his chair to talk to Spock. What she didn't see however was him spin back around a second later to watch as Sulu helped Kristen over to a chair and proceed to ask if she was okay.

-----------------

"I haven't tripped and fallen down something since I was twelve, it was so embarrassing" she said, reliving the horror of her fall in the bridge later that day as she joined Monty for lunch before going back with him to Engineering.

"Was it really that bad?" he asked, looking up from his sandwich as she idly forked mashed potatoes and rehydrated peas around her plate.

"It was just so silly. I mean, I haven't felt that way since high school when I tripped on my way across the stage after getting my diploma" she said pathetically, looking up warningly as Monty laughed.

"You tripped when you got your diploma, did you? That is so tragically adorable yet pathetic at the same time" he commented, chuckling as he took another healthy bite of his sandwich.

She reached across the table and punched him hard in the shoulder, the Scotsmen knocked so hard he actually dropped his sandwich from his hand and back onto the plate.

"Oy, what'd you do that for!" he cried as she recoiled, glad she'd inflicted pain since he'd taken pleasure from her misery.

"I'd keep an eye on her Scotty. Sometime tells me she can throw a mean right hook" Kirk chipped in as he walked by their table with by his side, the pair of them moving to join their table. She slid her tray to the side as Kirk sat down beside her, the doctor sitting down beside Monty who was still massaging his arm where she'd hit him.

"You go and make one joke and the next thing you know you've got a broken tibia. And you wonder why I don't come out of my lab more often" Monty griped, giving Kristen an evil look that she just smiled winningly at.

"Humerus" McCoy added in, his mouth half full with pudding.

Everyone stopped to look at him.

"What?" Monty asked a few seconds later, confused.

"Humerus. You said tibia, tibia is a bone in your leg. If she hit you hard enough there, she would have broken your humerus" he said, explaining his previous statement with the enthusiasm of the dead. The three other people at the table all exchanged looks, Kristen and Kirk both severely more humoured with the conversation than the engineer was, as he turned to look at the doctor with a look nothing short of astonishment on his face.

"It doesn't matter, it's the principle of it all! She nearly assaulted me and here you are, correcting me on what bones would have been broken" Monty said in a raised voice, Kristen and Kirk both laughing quietly to themselves at this point.

"You made fun of something I was telling you in confidence! Of course I was going to hit you, it was the only way to guarantee that you'd quit it" she rationalized, taking a sip of her water bottle.

To the left of her, Kirk chortled to himself as he took a bite of his fruit salad, a piece of cantelope stuck in the fork's prongs as he pointed at Scotty.

"Was she telling you about the fall?" he asked, his voice and eyes teasing as he turned to give her a look before turning back to Scotty. This seemed to sober the engineer up because within seconds he was smiling again.

"Yeah, she was. I'm going to have to look at the surveillance footage of that later. Did you know she tripped the day of her high school graduation after getting her diploma? Do you think they have footage of that?" Scotty asked, turning to look at McCoy who made a face as he pondered the question.

"Monty!" she cried, turning to look at him with shock in her eyes as he revealed her secret.

"Wait, you tripped after getting you diploma? Oh, that is just too perfect" James said as he gave her a wicked look with his eyes. She glared threateningly back at him, her cheeks rosy red again from embarrassment twice in the same day

"I can't believe you just told him that" she said, placing both of her hands on either side of her face over her ears in an attempt to block out their ridicule.

"Oh Kristen, it's okay. We won't bring it up. That often" James joked, the men at the table laughing appreciatively as they exchanged high fives, even the usually stoic Bones getting in on the joke.

"You know Kristen, if this becomes an issue we may have to look into treatment for your condition" the doctor joked, showing unusually prominent emotions that just spurred on the delight amongst them.

"This is so not fair" she said, shooting death glares around at all of them. Her eyes finally landed on James who was laughing like the rest of them, but giving her a look with his eyes that some how comforted her, despite the fact that she was being ridiculed about potentially one of the most embarrassing moments of her life.

"You know, I didn't know Starfleet made boots for people with two left feet...did they make you a new pair or just give you two lefts?" James said, the two other men laughing again appreciatively as she just shook her head, finally giving in and laughing as well.

"I was sixteen when I graduated high school, two years younger than everyone else. I didn't have any friends and I was so anxious to get the hell out of that school that I tripped. It was by far the most humiliating day of my life" she said once they'd all quieted down, each of them looking at her with serious eyes.

"It's okay Kristen. Jim got caught with his pants around his ankles once at the Academy" Bones said after a few minutes of silence, Kristen and Monty both laughing appreciatively.

"Bones!" Kirk chided, giving the doctor a stern look.

"What, is that a metaphor or something?" Kristen asked, wanting clarification.

"No, actually. He literally got caught with his pants around his ankles by his strategic weapons professor during our second year" McCoy explained, Kristen laughing shockingly while the Captain just stared at Bones with shock and humour in his eyes.

"Yeah, it was almost as embarrassing as the time Bones got vomited all over during his microbial infectants class. At least I didn't walk around smelling like something had just died on me all day" James retaliated, Kristen and the engineer laughing even louder now.

This went on for another hour or so, the four of them exchanging embarrassing horror stories of their youth and adolescence. Monty told them all about the time he hit a sour note during a solo performance of some love ballad at his elementary school's talent show. Bones regaled them with a few more terrible tales from med school and even Kristen got into it, sharing the story about once when she was twelve, she'd walked in on her foster parents at the time trying to have a real kid of them own. What she didn't tell them though, was that they'd succeeded, and when the pregnancy test came back positive four weeks later, she was already back in the system looking for a new home.

---------------

"You know, if you keep practicing like this Kristen, one day you're going to break someone's femur"

The punch that'd she'd been about to throw flubbed, her protected hand not even making contact with the bag as it's momentum brought it back towards her. She stilled the bag and then turned around, the back of her hand going to her brow to wipe the sweat off of it as once again, she turned to see him standing in the doorway.

"Well, that is the point of all this" she said, taking off her gloves and grabbing her water bottle.

She hadn't had a particularly bad day, just uneventful. After lunch, she spent six hours in Engineering with Monty learning about the Communications systems and the diagnostics involved with troubleshooting all of the problems that occurred on a daily basis on the ship. After sitting at the Communications Help Desk for a few hours, she already knew how to repair communicators, speakers, and pretty much every other technology involved in Communication on the ship.

What drove her to the gym and then the punching bag was the conversation they'd had a lunch. After mentioning the story about one of her foster parents, her past had pretty much lingered on her mind the entire day. She only knew one way to deal with her past, and that was by fighting.

"What, breaking someone's femur?" he asked, taking a step into the room as she re did her gloves and turned back to the bag.

"No. Self defence" she said as she threw a beginning punch, throwing them hard to get the initial spin of the bag going.

"Throwing punches on a bag isn't self defence Kristen. It's your way of dealing with stuff you're not equipped to deal with otherwise"

Her next punch flubbed too.

"Excuse me?" she asked slowly, turning around almost robotically to look at him.

"You know what I mean. The foster homes, your time in prison, all that stuff about being bored. That stuff's heavy, too heavy for you to deal with. I think that's why you hit the bag the way you do"

"Hey, I don't need you lecturing me about my life, alright? It's my life, I've lived it. You think that what, we have one conversation and all of a sudden you know me?" she asked, taking a step towards him as she gestured to herself.

She didn't know why she was as angry as she was. It wasn't like he'd told her anything she didn't already know. She just wasn't used to having someone being able to read her intentions so obviously before. He could see through her like some people saw through glass, and it wasn't the first time he'd done it either. It was unsettling, unnerving, and unhinging. She wasn't used to have someone be able to see through the barriers she'd put in place long ago.

She could tell that he saw in her body language that he'd upset her, and she immediately saw his own body react to try and mend the situation.

"No, Kristen, that's not what I meant. I just—"

"You just what? Thought you'd come down here and start telling me how it is? Well let me tell you something James. You don't know me. You barely scratched the surface with me last night, so don't start acting as if you know me or anything" she said angrily, turning her back towards him and then focusing back on the bag.

"So why do you train?" he called to her over the sound of her fists hitting the canvas.

His voice was different this time. More aggressive, angry even.

"Are you deaf? For self defence" she called back, not letting her focus stray. She landed five more punches before she was thrown off balance, Kristen shimmying to the side as James came into view.

"What the hell was that?" she asked, stabilizing and turning to look at him, anger etched on her face.

He really didn't want to mess with her right now

"If all this is for self defence Kristen, then prove it. Hit me" he said, gesturing to himself. Just then she noticed that he was dressed down, changed from his yellow and black uniform to black sports shorts and a loose black shirt. He'd been looking to start this, which just pissed her off more.

"I'm not going to hit you" she tiredly, moving to go back to the bag. She hit resistance, however. Resistance in the form of his hand pushing her shoulder back.

"Stop it" she said lowly, giving him a threatening look with her eyes.

"Hit me Kristen. Show that this is all self defence and not just some bullshit way of you dealing with your daddy issues" he said, his eyes dark and harsh. She continued to glare at him for a few more seconds, her heart beginning to race as anger and rage coursed through her veins.

"Daddy issues? That's a little ironic, don't you think?" she sniped lowly, moving to go back to the bag but once again being pushed back by him.

She glared at him again, her body now shaking with rage and anger. She didn't like it when people pushed her, especially when it was someone like him doing the pushing.

"Hit me. Come on tough girl, hit me" he repeated, standing firm.

She tried heading towards the door this time, but he just pushed her back again.

"I'm not letting you go until you hit me" he threatened, Kristen now on the borderline of tears.

The feeling of being boxed in with no where else to go was not a feeling she was a particular fan of. It was the feeling she'd just right before one of her foster parents would beat her.

She wasn't looking to relive that.

"No"

"HIT ME" he took a step forward and raised his voice.

"NO!"

"HIT ME"

She swung this time, throwing all caution to the wind, blinded by the tears welling in her eyes and the anger running through her veins. Her fist never made contact though. He deflected it the second the motion was even exhibited in her arm.

"Again"

She didn't argue this time. She swung again, this time making contact. The sound of glove on skin was a lot different then the sound of glove on canvas. It was a denser sound, more solid. She'd hit him right in the side, right above his diaphragm.

He stumbled back a bit, surprised by the blow.

"Better"

"What the hell do you want from me. If you want me to beat the shit out of you, fine" she said, tears clearing from her eyes as she brought her fists back up.

"No Kristen. I want you to admit that this isn't about self defence. You know, part of being a captain is being able to...put away all the other random crap on my mind and focus on what I'm doing. I've seen a lot of shit in my day that haunts me, but I can't let that distract me from my job. The decisions I make can affect the lives of thousands of people, so I can't have my judgement clouded by things I'm far too emotionally inept to deal with. And neither can you" he said pointedly, giving her a softer look with his eyes.

"Now we can do this one of two ways. You can storm outta here and be pissed at me like you've pretty much been for the past four days. Or you can admit that you have things that you don't know how to deal with and find a better way to deal with them. If you want to learn actual self defence, I can train you" he offered.

She caught her breath, her chest rising and falling dramatically as she desperately tried to fill her lungs too tired from her lack of sleep last night and too emotionally wrecked at the moment to even care what was going on. She nodded her head once, throwing her gloves off as she placed her hands on her head to ease the breathing, giving her head another nod.

"I don't want to fight with you anymore" she wheezed as she went over to grab her water bottle. He let her through this time and joined her on her walk out, placing a hand on her shoulder for a brief second and giving it the faintest of squeezes.

"Me neither"

--------------------

She woke the next morning feel refreshed and better than she had in a while, the twelve hours of shut eye she got last night doing over time for the previous night's slack. She hopped in the shower early and even took the time to fix her hair up nice, putting a handful of styling mousse into her curls to flounce them up a bit. She didn't exactly know why, but she felt as if today was going to be a good day, probably her best one on the ship yet. Her hair was barely damp as she stepped out of her room that morning, her feet taking her directly to the mess hall for an early breakfast of oatmeal and an apple before she started off towards the bridge. She was just thinking about the confrontation she'd had with James last night when she felt a sudden jolt.

It was as if everything had been thrown to the left and almost immediately after, red lights started flashing and the red alert alarm started blaring. She paused only for a second, just to gather her bearings, before she started off towards the bridge at full tilt.

"Computer, get me Kirk" she said, hitting her communicator on her chest once as she continued to run.

"Kirk, what the hell is going on? I'm on my way" she shouted over the alarm, her legs taking her as fast as they could.

"No, I need you in engineering now. Get down to Scotty as soon as you can" he replied, his voice sharp and crisp. She could tell he was worried, something that did nothing for her nerves, but she followed his orders none the less.

She was at Engineering within minutes, her legs tired from running and her chest heaving heavily, but she was there nonetheless.

It was as if pandemonium had erupted down there though; hundreds of people all in different colours shirts were running about, voices at high tension as people shouted to each other and reported to their respective stations. She made her way immediately to the di-Lithium core chambers where she knew Scotty would be and sure enough, when she arrived there about a minute later, he was there holding ground.

"Captain told me you were on your way. Look, I need you to get down to the weapons bay and keep an eye on Phaser Four, okay? It was acting up last week and it shouldn't be a problem but just in case. Do you remember what I told you about the phaser arrays, right?" he shouted to her over the voices of others.

She nodded once, grabbing a tool belt that was lying on the table and strapping it around her waist.

"What's going on, what do we need the phaser's for?" she shouted back, grabbing a head set as well for easier communication.

Scotty looked up at her from the control panel he was standing in front of with heavy eyes.

"Let's just say we didn't get all of the rouge Bajoran warships"

------------

She was at Phaser Four within minutes, being hailed almost immediately as she arrived.

"Cadet Shaw, are you at Phaser Four? I have reports that it's malfunctioning, is that true?" Captain Kirk asked through her headset as she rounded the corner to the phaser's array. She had to jump back almost immediately though, sparks erupting spontaneously from the array itself. She'd become all but too distracted in recognizing the stress in his voice that she'd almost been electrocuted. She inched her way around the corner and got a better look, not at all pleased with what she saw.

"Captain, it's definitely off line. I'll see what I can do to get it back but it doesn't look good" she replied, asking the computer to patch her through to Monty.

"Monty, I need you to cut power to Phaser Four, you got that?" she asked, the lights around her shutting off almost instantly.

She pulled the handheld flash light from her tool belt and switched it on, rounding the corner more confidently this time but taking careful steps to the array.

She wished she knew what was going on. What did Monty mean by not all the warships? Had the Bajorans sent more? As far as she'd known, they left the airspace around Bajor shortly after a crisis negotiation team got back from the planet after attempting to negotiate between the two parties. What had happened?

She finally reached the machine and her eyes went to work picking apart the pieces one by one. She'd identified the problem within seconds, a short circuit in the power supply to the array's firing mechanism. It didn't take long to fix, maybe less than a minute when the gentle hum of electricity beginning to sound around her and the lights powered back on.

Back up generators.

"Oh shit"

That was the last thing she remembered.

**((Author's Note: Hey everyone. First of all, thanks for all the amazing reviews on the last chapter! I struggled a lot writing this one so I apologize now if it wasn't up to usual standard. I tried to make it as long as possible because I have some bad news-I'm not going to be able to update tomorrow! =[ I should be able to have an update for you all late saturday night/early sunday morning so, don't worry. And then after that, I'll keep going with the daily updates. Anyways, about this chapter. Hmm...I don't really know what I can say. I'm not particularly pleased with it so, let me know what you guys think. I know I'm ending with a cliff hanger but, if this writer's block is just temporary, I expect some more cute/adorable/heart wrenching Kirk moments in the future. Anyways, it's late and I'm tired so. PLEASE keep reviewing, PLEASE keep being awesome and PLEASE stay tuned!))**


	9. Chapter 9

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Nine: Rookie Mistake

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

A flashing red light.

Darkness.

A bright white light, then the foggy silhouette of a head.

Darkness.

"Is she going to be okay?"

Silence.

Beep.......Beep.........Beep.

Silence.

"Come on Kristen"

Darkness.

Then Silence.

----------------------------------------------------

She didn't know how long it was, but the next time she could feel anything, all she could feel was pain. Total mind numbing, body consuming pain. It was as if every single cell in her body was on fire.

She pried her eyes open slowly, blinking close to a million times in order to get used to the brightness of the infirmary. The next thing she noticed was the beep of the heart monitor, a gentle beep being emitted every few seconds from the machine to her left. Next she tired orientated herself, giving her limbs a turn. Everything was moveable except her left arm, which when she turned her head to get a look at, she noticed was entrenched in a cast. Once she'd assessed that everything was okay despite the mind numbing pain and that she was a live, the questions came next.

What the fuck happened?

Where the hell was she?

She thought back to the last thing she remembered. She remembered that she was about to tell Kirk that Phaser Four was good to go and then everything went black. The next thing she remembered, she was here.

She looked around to the call button and then pressed it, Dr. McCoy coming bounding into the room seconds later with nothing but concern etched on his face.

"Good god, you're alive" he said, his eyes bright and surprised, immediately beginning to scan her with the hand held medical scanner she'd seen him use once before.

"Not exactly the greeting I'd had in mind" she muttered, her throat feeling like sand paper. She reached to the left to grab the cup of water on the night stand beside her and gulped it down, the liquid quenching her throat and relieving one part of her pain.

"Well, you did take about a quarter billion bolts to the back so, yeah, I'm pretty surprised your alive" he said in such analytical straightness that she couldn't help but laugh but which, in her current condition, came out like more of a wheeze.

"What happened?" she asked slowly, pressing a button to bring her bed up to an angle.

"You don't remember?" he asked as he finished scanning her, proceeding to check her vitals.

She shook her head.

"Well, the way I hear it is that you were hit by a bolt of electricity shortly after the backup generators to the section you were working in kicked in. Scotty managed to shut them off almost instantly after they came on but, apparently not quick enough since you got zapped halfway to heaven. Kirk got Scotty to beam him to your side after the Phaser came online than offline since you weren't responding to the radio. Your heart wasn't beating but he managed to get a defibrillator to you and get your heart beating again before too much damage was done. He saved your life" the doctor said, giving her a Coles notes version of what had happened to her.

He checked her vitals once more as she mulled over what he'd just told her, not remembering a single thing.

"Wait so I was like, dead?" she asked as McCoy moved over to her heart rate machine, fiddling with some switches.

"Yeah" he said absentmindedly, his focus trained on the beeping machine.

"And Kirk saved me?"

"That's what I said, isn't it" he said, now getting a little annoyed, turning to give her a pointed look before returning back to the machine.

She kept thinking about it, trying to distract herself from the otherwise mind consuming pain.

She hadn't remembered being dead. She would have thought that dying would have been more eventful; you know, trumpets sounding, pearly white gates, her parents there to greet her. But nothing. All she could remember was darkness. Darkness and silence.

"So how am I doing, Doc?" she asked eventually, pushing the thoughts of brief death away.

"Surprisingly well...you're vitals are stable, which is good. You arm was broken quiet badly but we managed to fix that and the burn on your back isn't too bad but will take a few weeks to heal" he said, pulling the computer tablet from the base of her bed as he updated her chart.

"Burn?"

"From the bolt of electricity you got zapped with. It's about the size of a grapefruit, give or take a few centimetres in diameter" he rationalized, making the shape with his hands before turning back to the tablet, updating the information and then leaving her be.

She sat back in her bed and sighed, letting out a breath that, upon exhale, caused some pain to her lower back. She felt the burn finally and sighed again, this time more out of frustration then anything.

She couldn't remember a damn thing. She was totally out of control in this situation and not being in control was just one of the things on the long list of things she couldn't stand. She felt incredibly decrepit just sitting in the hospital bed, arm in a cast, bandage on her back, that she had to get up, ignoring all the painful response she was getting to moving and moving anyways.

"Hey McCoy, how long was I out?" she called to him as she swung her legs over the side of the bed.

"About three days. You passed in and out of consciousness for the first two and then finally came to last night. You've been sleeping ever since" he called from another room as she pushed herself off her bed, her feet hitting the cold linoleum floor as her knees buckled dangerously.

She held on to the bed as she took a few steps forward, legs swaying and buckling as she did so, eventually plopping herself down into a wheel chair that had been at the base of her bed. She used her good arm to wheel herself forward and out of the infirmary and into the Doctor's office, needing more answers.

"Kristen, what the hell?" McCoy asked, looking up from his desk and the paperwork in front of him as she rolled into view.

"So can you tell me what happened the day I died? Why did we need our phasers?" she demanded, ignoring his question completely.

"Well, we were just about to warp away from the damn planet when we were hit by torpedoes from a bigger, more advanced Bajoran warship. It was way more equipped than the other ships we'd encountered so it took some heavy machinery to bring it down" he informed her, turning back to his paper work.

"Did I manage to fix the phaser at least?" she asked, hoping all wasn't lost.

"I don't know. Like I said before, Scotty shut off all the power to phaser four after he realized the backup generators were going to kick in. I don't know whether or not he booted it back up once you were out of there" the doctor informed her, looking up briefly to give her an analytical look with his eyes, double taking as he saw the look of distress on her face.

"Look Kristen, you did your best. We took down the ship shortly after you got zapped and then we warped the hell away from that planet. We've been sitting outside a Federation planet doing repairs to ship to get her back into shape" he explained, giving her a soft look before going back to his desk.

She sat there for a second, watching him work, before she wheeled herself back over to her bed, getting up and staggering her way over to where her uniform had been laid out for her. She pulled the curtain around her and changed into her red Starfleet cadet dress, pulling it over her head and over her cast with force. She was just zipping up her last boot when McCoy pulled the curtain back, his eyes narrowed as he walked in without any hesitation.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To work. You said they were fixing the ship, that's my job" she said, standing up as she put on a brave face, despite the pain. Her green eyes locked onto his as he glared at her

"Like hell you are. Now get back into bed" he said, taking a step forward to help her back down.

She took the pair of scissors from the medical tray on the bed beside her and cut off her medical bracelet, brushing past McCoy on her way out of the infirmary. She could hear him yelling after her, but she wasn't listening to what he was saying. She was far too focussed on something else.

-------------

She'd heard someone coming down the hallway a while ago, but kept her eyes and focused on the machinery in front of her.

She'd fixed the short circuit when she'd repaired it the first time, but after the backup generators came online and surged the array with power, it'd fried the entire system and caused a boat load of new issues. There'd been a team of engineers working on it when she'd arrived at Phaser array 4 about two hours ago, but she sent them all away. This was her mess to fix, not theirs.

How did she not think of the backup generators? Dealing with electronics 101: Always shut off both main and backup power. That was one of the very first lesson's she'd ever learned when she'd started dealing with technology years back. It'd been such a rookie mistake she'd made by forgetting about the backup power grid that it did nothing but fuel her; if she'd just remembered the backup generators and asked Monty to shut them off too, the array would have been fixed correctly and she wouldn't have lost three days of her life. All because of one rookie mistake.

She had a diagnostic of the array on the screen of her handheld computer which she was projecting onto the wall in front of her, going over the array piece by piece to identify the broken parts from the good parts and fried parts from the intact parts. So far, in a pile by her feet, a fried circuit board, rotator coil, and firing mechanism were in a heap of charred metal. Everything else she'd looked at so far was salvageable, so she'd kept those pieces in place.

"You going to keep standing there or are you going to say something?" she asked about a half hour after the footsteps had stopped. She looked over and saw Kirk leaning against the wall behind and to the left of her where the hallway turned the corner, his arms over his chest with his eyes locked on her.

"I believe that you're the one who has something to say to me, Cadet" he replied as she turned her attention back to the array.

"Thank you for saving my life" she said robotically, keeping her mind on the array. With her good hand, she dislodged a completely melted cooling core from the array and dropped it at her feet, continuing on her purging of all things broken.

"That's not what I meant. I said, Cadet, I believe you are the one that has something to say to me" he repeated in a level tone.

She sighed, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to try and regain her composure. On top of everything that had just happened to her, she didn't need his bullshit. She didn't need any more buttons pushed.

"I'm not in the mood for your mind games Kirk. So why don't you just tell me what I'm supposed to say and I'll repeat it back and you can move on with your day, okay?" she called over her shoulder, continuing her work.

"Okay then. Now's about the time where you start telling me why you're not in sick bay" he said.

"I'm fine" she said, her voice spitting out the words robotically.

"Okay, let me rephrase that. Now's about the time where you start telling me why you're here against Bones' orders"

"I'm fine". More robot.

"Yeah, I can clearly see that"

She stopped what she was doing, closed her eyes, and took another deep breath. More buttons.

"Are you or are you not having the ship repaired before we jump back into warp?" she asked, head down and turned to the side as she spoke.

"That is correct" he replied, his voice quiet and gentle.

"And am I or am I not a junior engineer?"

"You are"

"So the reason I am here, Captain, is because it is my job to be here. I thought you of all people would have appreciated that" she sniped towards him, looking over her shoulder to give him a threatening look before returning back to the array.

"And why would I do something like that?" he asked slowly, the sound of his feet taking slow steps towards her echoing towards her ears.

She paused for a second and then turned towards him, her bad arm resting in the broken array.

"Look, Cadet Shaw, Admiral Pike put you on this ship so you could learn from me, and I don't think he intended you to learn about physics or math. I think he intended you to learn about respect, honour, hard work, trusting your convictions. I can teach you those things Cadet, but you have to let me" she said to him, quoting what he'd said to her just days ago perfectly.

"This is me doing hard work, Captain. This is me trying to earn the respect of my co workers. This is me trying to put together whatever fragments of honour I have left after what I did" she spat to him, too tired and too sick of playing his mind games to really care that he was her commanding officer.

"What you did? Wait, you think this is your fault?" he asked, his voice raising its volume as he crossed the distance to her quickly, standing beside her now as she turned back to the array.

"Isn't it? I should have remembered to ask Monty to turn off the backup generators. If I had done that, I would have been able to finish repairing the array and we would have been able to finish the rouge Bajorans off sooner. Instead, I got shot half way to hell, one of the phaser arrays will be offline for the next few weeks until I can get replacement parts, and I wouldn't have lost three days of my life to some fucking rookie mistake" she said, her voice getting louder at the end of the statement as her emotions began to bleed through. She was just in the minute of fastening a bolt with the wrench in her hand when the bolt snapped, shards of metal breaking and going everywhere as a glass panel the bolt had been adjacent too fell to the ground.

She let out a weak 'oh' as the glass broke at her feet, silence setting in among them as she looked down at the hundreds of tiny little slivers dancing around them.

She just stood there for a few seconds, her breathing becoming heavy before she finally took a step back and threw her wrench hard at the array, turning to walk away. There was a satisfactory sound of metal clanging on metal as the wrench made contact, but that did little to make her feel better. Her hands immediately came to her head, fingertips going to her forehead as she covered her face and rubbed her eyes, trying to keep herself in check.

She walked a few paces down the hall and then came back, her hands on her head to try and ease her breathing to keep her temper under check. She was very, very close to losing her marbles and she couldn't, not with the past few days she'd had. She needed to stay in control.

"I need a, uh, a new firing mechanism for that array as soon as possible" she said, her hands still on her head as she finally opened her eyes to look at Kirk. He hadn't moved from his spot by the array but he was looking at her with such sadness and mercy in his eyes that she almost broke right then and there.

"Kristen"

"And a new circuit board and a rotator coil. I can probably get a cooling core from Scotty, he has a bunch lying around" she said, moving back to the array and picking up her wrench from the floor, ignoring the broken glass completely. She was just bringing the wrench back to the machine when a hand placed itself firmly around her's, keeping it just far enough away from the array to avoid contact.

"What are you doing, Kristen?" he asked, his body turned to the side as his face pointed directly at her.

She kept her head straight, eyes on the array, turning her head to analyze the schematic on the wall in front of them.

"I'm fixing this" she said, using her cast encompassed forearm to pull a charred keypad from the side of the array, dropping it to the floor along with all the other wreckage.

"Stop"

Her casted hand didn't even hesitate. She just kept picking apart the array, pulling fried and charred bits of plastic and metal without the slightest bit of acknowledgement to what he'd just said.

"That wasn't a suggestion"

She hesitated this time. She pulled a final piece from the array and then dropped both of her hands, turning to look at him.

"I want you to go back to sick bay" he said slowly, releasing her hand finally from his.

"Why? I said I was fine" she said, giving him a pointed look.

"Kristen, this time three days ago, you were dead. Can you understand that? You were dead. Now, forgive me if I think you need a few more days of rest in order to get back into mission shape after something like that" he said, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder as he steered her towards the hallway.

"But what don't you understand about the fact that I need to fix this. A three hundred million dollar machine is now just a microwave thanks to my stupidity" she snapped at him as he lead her down the hallway to the lift.

"That's not your fault" he said.

She wretched away from his grip this time and turned to stand infront of him. Her emerald green eyes locked onto his blue ones and they didn't let go.

"How do you reckon it's not then, hm?" her tone aggressive and confrontational

"Because, Kristen, someone else should have fixed it last week when I mentioned that it was acting up. Because Scotty should have turned off the backup generators anyways. Because we never would had needed the phasers if I hadn't of initiated treaty talks with the Bajorans months ago when we first came across them. This isn't your fault Kristen. Not by a long shot" he said, his voice tapering off at the end to a mere whisper.

"But I should have reminded him to shut them off" she argued back after a few seconds of them just staring at each other.

"And I shouldn't have ever have responded to the Bajoran distress call. And the phaser never should have gone offline if someone had just fixed it like they should have. You can't blame yourself for this Kristen. You did absolutely nothing wrong" he stressed, taking a step forward and putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

They stayed like that for a few seconds until she looked down, finally nodding and accepting that maybe, just maybe, everything wasn't really her fault after all.

She turned around as he started walking, but instead of removing his hand from her shoulder, she kept it there and draped his arm along her shoulders as they walked, the pair of them falling immediately into step with each other. Their heights lined up perfectly for each other as her arm naturally went to around his hip, finding the way his body fit into the curve of her arm far too perfect. She'd been all but lost in the way their body's seemed to fit together, that she all but missed what he said next.

"The array actually costs four hundred and fifty million"

She turned to give him a look but found his eyes giving her a stare of nothing short of pure humour, Kristen having to chuckle as they got on the lift but kept their stance together, Kirk hitting sick bay with the hand along her shoulder's as they stood like that, Kristen far to comfortable with the way she felt under his arm and James far to confused about just what exactly he was feeling for the girl standing right beside him.

**((Author's Note:**** OMFGZ like, 25 reviews on that last chapter. Maybe I should stop updating everyday! LOL. Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I found I was able to write Kirk/Bones' dialogue a lot easier this time and it just kind of came about. Anyways, I'm going to be introducing Uhura to the story in the next chapter so, look for that. Thank you all so, so much for taking the time to read this and review it, it means more than I could ever possibly say. I can honestly say though that if it weren't for all you faithful readers, I would have abandonded this story a long, long time ago. So thanks for sticking with me! I know I promised cute Kristen/Kirk moments but in my head the arm draped on shoulder, arm around hip thing is one of the cutest things a man and a woman can do while walking. I hope you all feel the same, because in my head it made me smile externally =] Anyways, like always, please drop me a review with your thoughts on the chapter and I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow! Oh, and thanks to the reader who corrected my bone error; you were right, it was the humerus! Thanks again!))**


	10. Chapter 10

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Ten: What's it like?

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

"So I'm free to go?"

"Yep, you're free to go"

She hopped off her hospital bed, cutting the ID bracelet off with vigour as she gave her limbs a good shake to get rid of the cobwebs three days in the infirmary caused to collect on her. She was just rotating her shoulders when she saw James stride in, a friendly smile playing on his lips as McCoy finished up her file, officially discharging her from the sick bay as he cited her as mission ready.

"Doc told me he was springing you loose today. How do you feel?" he asked as he walked to her, stopping at the end of her bed as he stood beside the doctor who reactivated her communicator to put her back on the system.

"Good. Better" she said, giving both men a smile as she joined them at the foot of her bed.

"Anyways, we were going to grab lunch. Care to join, Bones?" he asked, clapping the doctor on the shoulder as Kristen began walking towards the door, feeling better than she had a while.

She'd checked back into the infirmary three days ago under Kirk's order and had remained there, spending three excruciatingly long days doing next to nothing while being confined to her bed. Thankfully, people had come to visit her every day, James appearing at the same time each day to spend an hour with her eating lunch, giving her updates on the ship's repairs as well as other bits of ship news. Sulu came everyday as well for a few minutes, as did Monty, but it was James' visits she looked forward to the most.

She didn't know when or under what circumstances it had happened, but their relationship had definitely shifted from resentment and irritation to understanding and compassion. As they spoke over the three days, their tones were different and the way they were around each other changed. It was no long hostile or aggressive. It was pleasant and gentle; something that unsettled her yet pleased her none the less. They'd become comfortable with each other, a comfort level and even trust level she'd never really attained with anyone else before.

The three of them made their way out of the sick bay as they headed towards the mess hall, making easy conversation as they went. The mess hall was busy when they'd arrived, Kristen going over to speak with Sulu and Monty who were sitting together while the other two went and got their lunch. She took a few seconds and thanked them both for coming to visit her, a hug and a kiss on the cheek going to each of the men before she headed to the lunch line, grabbing a tray and standing idly behind one of McCoy's medical cadets as she waited.

"It's Cadet Shaw, right? Kristen?" she heard a female voice ask, Kristen turning her head around to face whomever it was behind her who'd poised the questions.

She recognized her instantly, part from having met her on the bridge on her very first day and part from having previously acknowledged how stunning the woman was. She was tall, about Kristen's height, with dark toned skin, long black hair that was pulled into a high ponytail and captivating dark eyes that were currently directed at her with an expression of politeness on her face.

"Yeah. Lt. Uhura?" she asked, gaining a nod in clarification from the woman who smiled warmly at her.

"Nyota, actually. How are you doing? I didn't know you were being released" Nyota asked as they inched forward in the line, Kristen grinning embarrassedly as she looked down.

"Oh, you heard about that?" she said, cringing both inwardly and externally before looking back up at the Communications Officer. She watched Nyota nod her head, an indistinctive look in her eyes as she kept them on Kristen.

"I was in the bridge when it happened. I don't think I've ever seen Kirk look so scared" Nyota scoffed, her eyes going over her shoulder to where Kirk was sitting with Bones, Sulu, and Scotty. Kristen's eyes followed her's to the four men and just looked at him for a second, giving a small smile as she watched them all erupt into laughter.

"What do you mean?"

"After the phaser you were working on came online for a second, he hailed you on your communicator. When you didn't respond and the power to phaser 4 was cut, he had Scotty beam him to your side instantly, leaving Spock in charge of finishing off the warship. But it's like I said Kristen. After you didn't respond to his initial call, he started to get worried. More worried than I'd ever seen him get before" Nyota informed her as they finally reached the mess hall doors, the pair of them depositing their trays under the warming hood for a second and then withdrawing them a second later, a plate of steaming food ready for them.

"I'm sure it was nothing" Kristen said eventually, pushing the thought of what Nyota was suggesting out of her head.

"Maybe. But from what I saw, it looked like you mattered a hell of a lot more to him than the ship did at that point in time" Nyota said with finality, giving Kristen a pointed look with her eyes before heading off to eat.

She mulled this over in her head for a few seconds as the pair of them walked over to the table, Kristen sitting down beside Kirk who smiled at her before returning his attention back to the conversation. The six of them talked for what seemed like hours, going on well after all the food had been consumed. They talked about their pasts, families, old jobs, and experiences on the ship. One by one they left, and at the end of the conversation she felt considerably closer to everyone who'd been sitting at that table. Including Kirk, who was the only person left sitting besides herself.

"I know I said it a few days ago but, thanks for saving me" she said as she collected all the trays and dumped them in the cleaning receptacle, moving back to the table with two cups of coffee as she sat down opposite of him.

"No need to say thanks. Like I told you before Kristen, it's my job as Captain to keep everyone on this ship alive" he said, pulling one of the mugs towards him and taking a sip.

She nodded once and smiled weakly before looking down at her own steaming mug, her mind elsewhere.

"What was it like?" he asked in a quiet voice, drawing her attention. She was about to ask him what he meant when he clarified anyways.

"Dying. Being dead. What was it like?"

She looked down at her mug.

"Darker than I expected. There was no life flashed before my eyes, no bright light I went into, no pearly white gates. Just darkness. Darkness and silence" she said, her eyes remaining trained on her mug the entire time.

A few minutes passed in silence between them, her eyes still on the steaming cup while his eyes stayed on her. He broke the silence a few minutes later.

"When I saw you just laying there...it was one of the scariest moments of my life" he said in a quiet voice, Kristen's eyes coming off him as she watched him relive it in his head.

-------------

"_Cadet Shaw, the phaser just came online, can you confirm?" he asked, the bridge a hub of noise and excitement as the phaser's continued to destroy the incoming war ship._

"_Sir, phaser four has just gone offline" Chekov informed him spinning around in his chair to give the Captain a warning look. He tapped two buttons on the arm rest of his chair and hailed Scotty._

"_Scotty, what's going on with Phaser four?"_

"_Aye, I sent Cadet Shaw down there about ten minutes ago to keep an eye on it. She called me a few minutes ago asking me to cut the power. I forgot about the backup generators until a few seconds ago, I just shut them off" the engineer shouted back to him through the communication system, Kirk hearing the background noise in the Engineering bay as mechanics busied themselves repairing the ship._

"_Cadet Shaw, please come in" he said, hailing her again. His eyes diverted off the glass screen in front of him and down to the centre controls, his heart beginning to race faster as seconds ticked by without an answer._

"_Kristen, please come in" he tried again, this time getting out of his chair as he began to pace quietly, a hand going to his worried brow._

"_Kristen, are you there? Answer me" he asked again, waiting only seconds this time before hailing Scotty again._

"_Beam me to Phaser four now" he ordered, receiving confirmation from the engineer as thousands of tiny little lights began surrounding him. A second later he was rematerializing just outside of Phaser four, his eyes directly going to her body which was lying on the floor, face down. He was suddenly struck with how still she was just laying there; so peaceful, so at ease. So dead._

"_Kristen?" he asked as the lights disappeared, rushing to her side. He knelt down and put a hand on her back, eyes immediately going to the large gaping wounding still smoking around her kidneys. He put his other hand on her neck and felt around for a pulse, his own beginning to race even faster as he realized she didn't have one._

_**What? She was alive just a few minutes ago. She can't be dead.**_

_He got up and stumbled back, his brain a mess of things, unable to process this. In the many months he'd been Captain of this ship, not a single life had been lost. But more than anything, he was unable to process that she was dead. She'd been alive just a minute ago, informing him that the phaser was indeed offline. He could still here her voice ringing in his ears. She couldn't be dead. She just couldn't. _

_After a split second of worry, paranoia, disappointment, and anger, he took off to the closest first aid kit and pulled the defibrillator from it, racing back to her side within seconds before flipping her over. She couldn't have been dead for long. There was still a good chance he could get her heartbeat back._

_As her body rolled over onto her back and her face came into view, he was overwhelmed for a second by her. Her eyes were shut but even then, he was still taken aback by how stunning she was. Even when she was on his most hated list, he'd never once denied just how beautiful she was. And even now, as she lay there dead in front of him, she still retained that beauty, despite the terrible circumstance._

_The dress she'd been wearing had been ripped and fried from the electrocution, or so he surmised. Regardless, he pushed aside the fabric and put the panels of the defibrillator on either side of her chest, charging the machine and releasing the first shock. He watched her chest rise and fall with the shock of electricity, her body going still as soon as she hit the ground. He checked her pulse again._

_Still nothing._

_Pike was going to kill him. He was going to kill whatever idiot engineer came down here before and left the phaser broken. This couldn't be happening. They'd just finally begun to like each other and now she was dead. He charged the machine up a few volts and released another jolt, her chest rising and falling once again. Still no pulse._

"_Come on Kristen, come on" he whispered as he put a hand on her forehead, brushing away the hair. He leant forward and placed his lips ever so faintly on her forehead, closing his eyes as he charged the machine to its highest setting, turned away from her body, and released a final jolt._

_He didn't have to check for a pulse this time. After the machine had given the maximum charge of voltage, he'd watched her eyelids flicker and a groan escape her lips, her head turning ever so faintly to the side before she became unconscious. His hands immediately went to her neck, his fingertips finding a faint but definitive pulse. He let out a few laughs, his hands going to his bent knees as he closed his eyes and let out a breath, a hurricane of different emotions brewing in his chest. He didn't know why this affected him the way it did. He'd never felt the way he'd felt when she was laying there, dead. He didn't feel that way a year ago when he was facing almost near certain death every other day during the Enterprise's inaugural mission to keep Earth safe from the Narada and the rouge Romulans. He hadn't felt this way a few months ago when his ship came under direct fire from a squadron of enemy war birds. He'd been in countless life or death situations before yet he'd never been affected by anything the way he'd been affected by her. It was overwhelming, confusing, and terrifying all at the same time. He'd barely known this woman for a week, yet at the thought of her dying, his mind completely went blank. He couldn't imagine it. _

_---------------------------_

She could almost feel it all with him. She could see it in his eyes just how frightful it must have been and how affected he'd been by it all.

She was just about to open her mouth to ask something when the computer's voice interrupted them.

"Captain Kirk, you are requested on the bridge" she said from above, Kristen shutting her mouth and blushing as Kirk just smiled.

"Duty calls. What were your plans for the rest of today?" Kirk asked as they both rose from the table, walking towards the door with their mugs of coffee left steaming on the table.

"I was going to head on down to engineering and see what I can do about phaser four. I hope no one's fixed it yet, I was kind of hoping to do that on my own" she said, giving the back of her head a good scratched as Kirk laughed in such a way that confused her.

"I think you'll find that no one's touched the array. Anyways, do you want to grab dinner tonight? I have a few more questions I'd like to ask you about the whole dying thing so..." he asked, giving her a small smile as his voice tapered off.

She turned to look at him, appraising him for a few seconds, before replying.

"Yeah. I'd like that" she said, giving him a small smile that he replied to with one in return.

"Meet me in the bridge around seven?" he said as she nodded, both of them turning to go their separate ways, both with traces of silly grins playing on their lips.

------------------------

"It's a date"

"Nyota"

"What? It's totally a date. He asked you to go to dinner"

"So?"

"So, it's a date"

"It's not a date"

"Then what is it?"

"It's two people having dinner talking about a near death experience"

"Kristen, look at me"

She brought her eyes off the small metal communicator in her hands and up at Nyota, the most expectant and amused look Kristen had ever seen being directed her way.

"It's a date" the communication's officer said, closing her eyes and giving her a single nod. The pair of them had hit it off tremendously at lunch, both of them citing the notable lack of estrogen on the ship and becoming immediate friends. So at Nyota's frankness, a frankness that usually comes after years of friendship for instead for them hours, Kristen made a face, setting down the communicator and leaning forward on her elbows.

"I've never been on a date before. Am I supposed to do something different?" she asked, giving Nyota an honest look while Nyota returned it with one of disbelief.

"Whoa, wait. You've never been on a date?" she asked, taking a step back from the Communications Help Desk they were both sitting at, Kristen repairing her broken communicator.

"No" she replied honestly, getting another look of disbelief from Nyota.

"What the hell did you do with your adolescence then?" Nyota demanded, the tone of her voice alerting some of the other technicians in the room, the dark skinned beauty completely unaware of it though.

"Got my undergrad when I was 18" she supplied.

"And after that?"

"I stole a lot of cars"

A silence between them set in as Nyota took in this information, her eyes wide with incredulity.

"Have you been kissed at least?" she asked eventually, looking at Kristen once more with expectation.

Silence.

"WHAT?"

"Nyota, what part of I'm a felon did you not understand! I was in an out of prison since I was 18 years old, I didn't have time for boys!" she exclaimed in a hushed tone, trying to diffuse the situation.

"We're not talking about boys Kristen, we're talking about a boy. Just one. Are you actually telling me that a girl that looks like you has never been kissed? Not even on some playground when you were seven?" Nyota exasperated, grasping at straws now.

"Maybe. Look, I don't know. All I know is that James saved my life. The least I could do is have dinner with him" she said pointedly, giving friendly smiles to all the other technicians in the room before returning her attention back to the communicator.

"Maybe it's not a date" Nyota said assuringly after a few seconds of silence, returning to her post and leaning on the desk.

"It's not a date" she replied seconds later, not even taking her eyes off the communicator this time. She connected the small internal wires to the new battery she was installing and heard a familiar chime as the communicator activated again, Kristen smiling in success as she screwed the back plate back into place.

"But if it was a date, I'd recommend leaving here a few minutes early and taking a shower, maybe putting on a little bit of make up. If it was a date, of course" Nyota said, plucking the communicator from Kristen's hands as she spun and walked out of the room, tossing one final humorous look over her shoulder.

"It's not a date" she grumbled for the last time, gathering her tools in a vain attempt to shake the fact that she was, in fact, going on a date. She tried to shake the feeling all the way down to the phaser bay, the idea of a date with Kirk being pushed out almost instantly as she turned the corner on the hallway leading to phaser four and found a neat pile of shiny new parts waiting for her, a big red bow on top of a new rotator coil along with a note.

_I wouldn't trust anyone else with turning this microwave back into a phaser. Do your thing, Cadet._

_-Kirk_

She smiled down at the note, an unwelcome sensation of what seemed like butterflies erupting in her stomach as she re read the letter a few more times. It was an odd sensation; one that'd she read about before but never actually experienced. Eventually, she toss the bow off the set of parts and got down to work, unable to describe the way the butterflies were flying around inside of her, but acknowledging that they were there none the less.

**((Author's Note: Sup like, almost 30 reviews on that last chapter! Haha, thank you all for taking the time to review, first of all. I really can't put into words how much it means so, thanks again. Anyways, as promised, here is a new chapter! A few readers suggested how they'd love to see Kirk's reaction to Kristen's death so I kind of slipped it in here; in case you missed it, the italics portion of the chapter was told from Kirk's POV as he finds Kristen's body. Another reader suggested that Bones needs a girl too, and although I am toying with the idea of introducing a new, minor character, I really don't even know where I'd begin with that. Anyways, the next chapter is going to be the "date" although I have a feeling it's going to be quite...eventful. Also, I have some ideas for a chapter off world so, look for that in coming chapters. NEWAYZ, as the teeny boppers might say, keep reading, reviewing, and checking in! Thanks again, and I'll see you all tomorrow))**


	11. Chapter 11

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Eleven: For The Record

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

She walked into the bridge promptly at seven pm, freshly showered with a faint scent of roses trailing her where ever she went and the slightest traces of makeup on her face.

She'd warmed up to the possibility of a date considerably during the three hours or so it took her to repair the Phaser array. She really liked Kirk; he was very handsome, charming, passionate, intelligent, and he had the ability to make her laugh. He was also very arrogant, ignorant, annoying and overbearing, but those qualities of him didn't seemed to matter much to her anymore. She hadn't seen him that way in quite a few days, and was beginning to think that maybe, she had him figured out all wrong.

Regardless of whether or not it was a date, she decided to try and look the best she could for a night, considering she'd just spent almost a week in the infirmary. Her hair was down in her signature waves and her green eyes seemed the slightest bit more bright that even as she strode in, looking around one of the ceiling to floor computers to find the Captain's chair empty.

"Wow, you look fantastic Kristen" Sulu noted as he spun around in his seat, Kristen sitting herself down in the captain's chair as she leant back in it, enjoying how it felt.

"I figured I might as well try and look my best after spending a week in the infirmary. I took a look in the mirror for the first time today and was not too pleased with what I saw looking back" she joked, the pair of them sharing an appreciative chuckle as Nyota walked by in front of her doing a double take, a suggestive smile coming to her face as she looked at Kristen with both appreciation and knowing

"Not a date, huh?" the communication's officer whispered to her as she passed, earning her a threatening look before Kristen turned back to Sulu.

"Do you mind doing me a favour actually? I just finished repairing Phaser four about an hour ago, can you do a test shot and see if it's working?" she asked the helmsmen, his eyes immediately going to Chekov beside him and then Uhura behind her.

"Who has the con right now? Both Kirk and Spock are gone" Sulu asked, looking around.

"Zat vould be me. Vhat izz it?" the Russian navigator asked, turning to the helmsmen.

"Cadet Shaw just finished repairing Phaser four, she wants to see whether or not it's back online" Sulu informed him, Chekov nodding once and then turning around in his chair to face Nyota.

"Lt. Uhura, can you pleaze contackt all nearby Federation wessels and inform zem zat we are going to be testing our veapons hafter veparis?" he informed her before turning back around. Kristen watched as Uhura tapped away at her control panel, turning back around and informing them all that a bulletin had been sent out.

The navigator nodded once to Sulu who immediately began testing all the phasers, going through them all, one through twenty, leaving number four for last. She held her breath as he called out 'Phaser Four' letting the breath out as she saw a streak of red flash across the control screen.

"Phaser Four is back online. Nicely done, Cadet" Sulu noted, giving her a smile over her shoulder that she replied to with a modest chuckle. She'd felt a surge of pride when she'd seen the red flashes across the screen and she brought a hand to her mouth, biting down on the centre knuckle of her thumb to keep herself from grinning wildly.

A few seconds later the lift doors to the bridge hissed open and immediately his voice filled the bridge, along with Spock's.

"Look Spock, all I'm saying is that if we try and boost the output of our warp generators—" he started, the pair of them rounding the corner and coming to a halt in front of her, Kirk's mouth closing as soon as his eyes landed on her. She released her thumb from the confines of her teeth and sat up, her back straight as she gave both the Captain and First Officer's winning smiles.

"We'll talk about this later. Is it seven already?" he asked, checking his wrist watch as Spock went off to his station while Kirk stepped up on the plateau of the Captain's chair, Kristen rising from her seat to meet him.

"It has been for four minutes now. Are you ready? I can come back later if you're busy?" she offered, gesturing to the lift and turning ever so slightly to go.

"No, no. Now's great" he said, looking right into her eyes and giving her a faint smile, one that caused her internal butterflies to start flying around again. _What the fuck is happening to me?_

"Spock, you've got the con" he said, not taking his eyes off of her as they began towards the lift, Kristen glaring at Nyota on the way out as the other woman mouthed 'SO A DATE' to her.

----------------

"So just how many fights have you gotten in to during your life time?" she asked, piercing one of the carrots on her plate with her fork as she brought it too her mouth.

He looked up from his own plate and eyed her with fake suspicion, narrowing his eyes.

"You've been talking to Uhura haven't you" he asked her apprehensively in a low voice.

Her lips twitched as she tried to suppress the smile coming to them. She looked down at her plate then back up at him, amusement in her eyes

"Maybe"

He chuckled approvingly and then looked back down, shrugging his shoulders once before looking back up.

"I've lost track over the years but I've been in my fair share. How about yourself? You told me a few days ago you boxed for self defence so, how many times have you had to put those skills to use?" he asked, resting his elbows on the table as he leant forward to look at her.

She appraised him for a few seconds, judging her options. She could either lie and make up a story to tide him over, or she could tell the truth. She could tell him that she started boxing shortly after she'd turned 14, after her foster dad at the time took a fist to her face after drinking one night. She could tell him that she'd been beaten by a total of three of her families and a few other times while on the streets. She could tell him all that stuff, but what it really came down to was trust.

She took a deep breath and then cleared her head, trying to figure out what she should do. She'd never told anyone about the violence in her past before, but as she looked back up into James' eyes, she decided to finally open up and lay it all out on the line.

"Well, in the spirit of trust and honest, I—" she started, interrupted a second later.

"James?" a pretty voice said in the middle of her sentence, both James and Kristen's eyes drawn upward and to the left where a petite, pretty looking blonde woman with friendly brown eyes was standing. She had a food tray held in her hands in front of her and a confused yet expectant look on her face.

"Emily, what-what are you doing here?" he stammered, Kristen staying silent as she watched them exchange glances. She felt a horrible feeling start brewing in her stomach when she glanced once more at Emily, this time realizing the fancy jewelery the woman was wearing along with the eye makeup and lipstick.

"You said eight thirty, didn't you?" the woman said, this time throwing an awkward look Kristen's way as the realization of what had happened settled in among the three of them. Her heart began racing, the horrible feeling getting bigger as she realized just what she'd gotten into.

"I uh, I think I'm going to go" she said automatically, standing up in her chair and pushing it back, refusing to meet Kirk's eyes as he rose to protest her movement.

"No, Kristen, this isn't what it—" he started, Emily standing there quietly as Kristen gathered things onto her tray before turning to go.

"He's all yours" she said, giving the blonde a friendly albeit fake smile before turning to go, ignoring Kirk's protests all the way out of mess hall.

She was shaking in anger and rage by the time she'd turned the corner out of the mess hall, cursing herself internally for ever trusting him. How could she have been so stupid? She'd seen his winning ways with women the very first day aboard this ship, and she'd just been a potential notch in his bedpost. How did she ever fall for his charm? Why did she ever think he was anything but the man she'd seen on the very first day, flirting with everyone? How did she ever talk herself into trusting him?

She walked straight back to her room and tore off her dress, throwing on her shorts and tank top so aggressively she was surprised she didn't rip them to shreads. She wiped the makeup off her face and threw her hair into a messy bun, pulling on her running shoes and sprinting the way to the gym to keep herself from shaking even more. She was just about to head towards the punching bag when she looked down at her casted arm, the fact that she wouldn't be able to unload her frustrations on the bag angering her even more. Instead, she hopped on a treadmill, starting off slowly but going to full tilt eventually, letting the sound of her feet hitting the treadmill's track dull out the voices in her head that were calling her numerous variations of stupid for ever trusting Kirk.

She didn't know how long she'd been running for when she heard the door open and McCoy appear in the gym, his eyes as concerned and analytical as always. He spotted her immediately on the treadmill but she just kept running, sweat dripping from her brow as she kept at it, running at full tilt, trying to keep her mind off of the humiliation she'd just suffered.

"You shouldn't be straining yourself" he called from the doorway, leaning against the frame as he just watched her from there.

"I'm not....straining...myself" she said between breaths, keeping her eyes locked on the wall opposite of her, not meeting his eyes by the door.

"You know, I'm sure it wasn't what it looked like" he called again to her, Kristen missing her step this time and tripping, falling forward on the treadmill before she steadied herself, bringing her pace to a walk and then to a halt.

"She said that he'd told her to be there at eight thirty Doc, there wasn't anything else it could have looked like" she said eventually as she caught her breath, stepping down from the running machine and walking over to him, sitting herself down on one of the benches beside the door.

"Yeah...nevermind, it's probably exactly what it looked like" he said, moving over to her slowly and eventually meeting her there, sitting down beside her.

"You know, Jim's my friend and all, and I know sometimes he can be a real ass but deep down, he's not a bad guy. A real ass, but not a bad guy" he said in a quiet voice, Kristen scoffing out in laughter. She sighed and leant forward, running her brow with the back of her hand before rubbing her eyes tiredly, chuckling once more.

"How could I ever have been so stupid" she muttered quietly to herself, apparently not quietly enough as seconds later, she heard him cluck his tongue.

"Like I said. Ass" he muttered back, both of them sharing a laugh before she sighed again, shaking her head.

"Did he send you in here to check on me?" she asked, turning to look at him.

"Yeah. He said you seemed pretty pissed when you left so"

"Pretty pissed? I just went on my first date and it turned out that he didn't think it'd last longer than an hour and a half!" she bit back miserably, her voice raising a few octaves.

"That was your first date?" he asked in a tone of nothing but surprise, giving her an even more surprised look with his eyes as she rose from the bench and gave him a murderous look.

"It's not even that. It's the fact that I trusted him, and I don't trust anyone but myself for this exact reason. The only thing trust brings is disappointment. Disappointment and hurt" she bit to him bitterly, beginning to pace in front of him.

"You know, I don't exactly think that's a healthy perspective" he commented, Kristen ignoring him outright as she continued to pace.

"It's just...I don't do this for a very specific reason, and the one time I do decide to do it, the very specific reason I don't do it for comes true" she said, continuing to pace but stopping eventually when she'd turned to look at McCoy and found him staring at her with the most confused look on his face, silent and thinking as if he were trying to figure out what the hell she'd just said.

"I feel as if I should be having this conversation with Nyota" she said finally, stopping her pacing and turning to stand in front of him.

"I agree. Want me to try and find her?" the doctor said, rising and pointing his thumb over his shoulder as he moved towards the door.

"No, I'll just find her tomorrow" she said bitterly, as she sat down on the weight lifting bench, waving the doctor goodbye as he left, leaving her once again alone in the gym.

She lay back on the bench, letting her limbs hang down in all directions as she just stayed there for a few seconds, trying to make sense of what'd happened just hours before.

She'd been having such a wonderful time with him. There was no awkwardness or instability between them; just fantastic conversation and company. She'd really begun to see him in a different light, a light that portrayed him as someone she could have seen herself with. In the hour they'd been together, he'd been everything she'd ever wanted in a man; funny, intelligent, compassionate, passionate, gentle, and easy to talk too.

But it'd all be shot straight to hell when 'Emily' had arrived.

She'd never felt so humiliated before in her entire life, including all the times she'd been to prison. And to top things off, she'd never felt so stupid. She should have seen this coming and she never should have let herself trust him. It was like she'd said before, all trust does is invite disappointment and hurt into your lives, much like it did right now.

She was so disappointed in him. She thought she'd meant more to him that she apparently did, and the pain she felt inside of her was of a calibre she'd never really felt before. She wasn't used to having such conflicting emotions before; one part of her was disappointed with him, another part was furious, another part was humiliated, another part hurt, and another part was confused. She wasn't used to this. She was used to control, which, at the current moment, she had none of.

----------------------

She flipped over onto her stomach, eyes immediately going to the clock above her bed and groaning when she saw what time it was. Red angry numbers glared 3:12 at her in the darkness, her head still a mess of thoughts, all centred around what had happened.

After mulling things over in the gym for a few more minutes, she'd retreated back to her room slowly and crawled into the shower, hoping the grime of the day could be washed away but unfortunately finding that no amount of water would rid her of what she was feeling. She'd laid down in her bed over four hours ago, but spent far too long tossing and turning as she kept thinking about him.

Finally, she threw the covers off of her and found her slippers, knowing what she had to do in order to finally quiet her mind. She walked around her bed in the dark and stepped out into the hallway, her eyes shutting automatically in response to the brightness of the hallway as she took a left, her feet taking five minutes to finally bring her to his door. She sucked in a breath and then swung her hand along the sensor beside the door, hearing a polite ding which signalled it recognized her biometrics and waited for him to come to the door.

The hallway where his quarters were located was empty and featured no other doors but his own. She was just about to turn around and leave when the doors slid open with a hydraulic hiss, his form appearing in the doorway as he slipped a pair of glasses onto his face as his eyes blinked much like her's did to grow accustom to the brightness.

"Kristen" he said after he finally adjusted to the light, his face going blank as she stood there in front of him, arms folded over her chest and face drawn into an expression of nothing short of rage.

"Look, I want you to know that I never meant to—"

He was cut off by her palm smacking him hard across the side of the face.

"You humiliated me. I trusted you, and you humiliated me" she said lowly, her voice trying to be steady and even but cracking and showing emotion as she spoke a few seconds later.

"Can you just let me explain?" he exasperated, returning his head back to face her as an angry red handprint arrived on his cheek. His eyes were pleading and desperate as he looked at her, his hands out in an expression of desperation as well.

"What's there to explain James? Are you going to tell me that you didn't ask her out on a date? That it was just a business meeting or something?" she scoffed with a laugh, shaking her head in disbelief.

"I did ask her out, but it was weeks ago. Before you got on board and before I met you" he said with such sincerity that for a second, she was willing to accept that and just move on.

Only for a second though.

"Well, you didn't exactly cancel with her now did you?" she sniped to him, the anger she was feeling coming back with a fury, erasing whatever thoughts of forgiveness she was having instantly.

"I forgot, what can I say. I was too wrapped up with you and what I was feeling to even remember her" he said, his voice growing quiet at the end. He looked at her for a few seconds, his eyes pleading with her's.

_I was too wrapped up with you and what he was feeling_. For some reason, those words roused the butterflies in her stomach, despite her obvious anger. She knew deep down that he was still everything she thought he was, but she didn't know how to forgive him for hurting her the way he did. He may not have done it intentionally, but the news of this didn't make it hurt any less. The news of potential feelings for her didn't numb the pain. Hearing that he thought of her enough to forget completely about another woman didn't make it all go away. A part of her internally squealed at his words, the sixteen year old girl inside of her jumping up and down at this news. But she'd stopped listening to that sixteen year old girl a long, long time ago.

"Don't. Don't do that. It doesn't change anything. You should have remembered. If I meant so much to you, you should have remembered and canceled" she said eventually, looking away from him and shaking her head.

She looked up and watched his blue eyes go sad behind his glasses, a hand running its way through his hair as he looked down, his lips going into a thin line as he nodded.

"I know" he said in almost a bare whisper.

"No, I don't think you know. I don't trust anyone Jim, not anyone. For the past eleven years of my life, the only person I've ever trusted or depended upon was myself. And then today, I decide to change that and you made me look like an idiot. So this, whatever we were, whatever we were becoming...it's done. No more friendship, no more being nice to each other. It's just done" she said with such definite finality that he looked taken aback for a second, and if she pegged it right, undeniably hurt.

She'd turned and maybe taken three steps when he spoke.

"You know Kristen, for the record...I never meant to hurt you" he said, stepping out into the hallway.

She stopped, turning around slowly and looked at him dead in the eyes.

"For the record James...I wish that were enough"

**((Author's Note: Like I said ladies and gents...it wasn't going to be easy. I had a lot of ideas for this chapter, and funny enough, absolutely none of them revolved around Kristen and James having a a good date. Their relationship is founded on pillars of unease and unrest; of undesireable situations, even. They aren't defined by the good times, they're defined by the bad times. So keep that in mind for the next few chapters. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I HAVE THE BEST READERS EVER???? For realz, yo. I'm continuingly overwelmed by the response I get on the chapters I post and it just blows me away that so many people take the time to read this story! Thank you all for your kind words of support, criticism and even corrections! A writer's work is never perfect so I really do appreciate corrections, so thanks to the readers who corrected my physics in the last chapter! Regardless, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I tried my best to convey the emotions I wanted to in the last scene, because we've all been there. Hurt by someone who maybe didn't intend to do it, but hurt us none the less. Mull the chapter over and let me know what you think, okay? See you all tomorrow))**


	12. Chapter 12

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Twelve: Political Persuasion

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

"So she just walked up to you guys and interrupted your date?"

Kristen looked up the small silver headpiece in her hand, giving Nyota a warning look.

It'd been about a week since the Date, Interrupted. But with the vitality of which Kristen was still thinking about it, you would have thought it'd happened yesterday.

"For the last time, yes" she replied, returning her attention back down to her hands

"Bitch" Nyota said automatically, looking off to the side and shaking her head.

"Easy there. She was only doing what she thought was right, she didn't know we were on a date at the time" Kristen said in defense, giving the headpiece a final look over before handing it back to the Communication's Officer.

"I don't think that's broken Nyota" she said, placing down her tools while Uhura snapped back to attention, placing the headpiece back into her ear.

"What? No, I know it's not broken. I just needed an excuse to come down here and talk to you. And how do you not know if someone's on a date. If a man and a woman are sitting away from everyone else laughing and talking to each other, than it's probably a date" she speculated as Kristen rounded her way around the help desk, strapping one of the tool belts around her waist as the pair of them started on their way.

"That's pretty general Ny, even for you. Look, it's whatever, alright? It sucks and everything, but it's not her fault. We've been through this before" she said, giving Nyota a pointed look.

"Of course it's not. It's Kirk's, obviously. 9 times out of 10, it's always his fault" she noted biasly, Kristen laughing as they walked down one of the stark white corridors.

"It's more of my fault then anything. I shouldn't have trusted him" she said, turning her head down as she shook her head, once again reliving the painful memories of it all.

"Oh, hell no. You better get off that pity train I see you're on right now. This is not your fault, Kristen. You weren't the one who made a date weeks in advance and then forgot about it. And who does that anyways? Who makes a date weeks in advance and then forgets. I mean, Emily is some random medical trainee so it's not like she's all that busy" Nyota commented, being every bit the good friend Kristen needed right now.

"No, Nyota. It is my fault. I never should have trusted him. He may have forgotten about a previous date, but I was the one who accepted to go out with him. It's just as much my fault" she commented as they both got in the lift, riding the three seconds in silence as it deposited them on the bridge. She'd managed to avoid him until now, spending all of her days in Engineering with Monty, usually working at the help desk. He thankfully hadn't demanded her to be in the bridge for the first part of the day like she used to be, so instead she buried herself in becoming the ship's new expert on communicator technology.

Still, she knew she'd have to face him eventually. She took a deep breath and then walked in with Nyota, walking around the console and into his view, her eyes going to his almost instantly.

"You hailed me, Captain?" she asked, staying by the screen as she watched him rotate slowly around in his chair to face her.

"Yes, Cadet. What do you know of a race called the Klingons?" he asked, the mention of this word drawing the interest of a few crew members.

"They are a humanoid species. Homeworld is Qo'nos. First made contact with the Federation in 2151. Qo'nos is located in the Beta Quadrant, Klingon system. Sir" she said, reciting the facts with such stoniness and exactness that even Spock looked up from his screen to look at her.

"The cadet demonstrates an exceptional ability to recall facts, Captain. I believe she would do well as a science officer if her pursuit in engineering becomes unsucessful" the half Vulcan said in similar steadiness, his eyes going to Kristen to James. Both she and the Captain turned to the first officer with similar perplexed looks, James the first one to speak.

"Yeah, thanks for that Spock. Anyways, the Federation wants them to join the coalition of planets so they're sending us to try and convince them to hop on board. A small liaison will be leaving here tomorrow morning and beaming down to Qo'nos to begin negations" he informed her, turning back to her.

"Is there a reason you are telling me this, sir?" she asked, bringing her arms behind her and adjoining her hands. She watch Kirk inhale deeply, close his eyes and shake his head, then speak.

"You're going to be a part of that liaison, cadet"

Her heart sank to her stomach.

"Sir?"

"Believe me Cadet, you weren't my first pick. I already asked Scotty, but he said he's too busy fixing something or other so he's sending you. We'll be there for at least two days so, pack some stuff" he said as he shot her a 'sorry' look with his eyes before turning back around.

Two days off ship with Kirk. Her mind tried to process this as she walked out of the bridge, her feet mechanically taking her to the lift while her mind's gears churned this new bit of news. Just a week ago she was slapping him across the face and almost yelling at him for making an idiot out of her and now she was practically going on vacation with the guy. What the hell had she'd done to piss off the karma gods?

Her feet took her all the way down to Engineering, the entire trip spent trying to figure out just what bad karma she'd given out in the past few weeks that merited such terrible punishment. By the time she reached Monty's office, she still hadn't come up with a conclusion.

"Aye, Hello there Kristen. Excited about your little off ship adventure?" he said cheerfully, looking up from the manual he'd been reading to grin.

"You're kidding, right?" she scoffed, the Scotsman's face changing from happiness to confusion at lighting fast speed.

"No. Should I be?" he asked, trying to get some clarification about what was going on.

She didn't bother explaining, because a) he was a man and he wouldn't understand and b) it was Monty. So instead she just sighed, rubbing her eyes tiredly before looking back at him.

"Can you just send someone else? I have a lot of stuff I need to do around here"

"Like what? You fixed the array, quiet well I might add, and so far you've been spending your time at the help desk. Do you have some secret project you've been working on or something?" he asked suspiciously, taking a step forward as he surveyed her with narrow eyes.

"No, of course not. I just would rather stay here. I don't think I should be going off ship so soon after my accident. Can't you give me some work and task someone else to go?" she asked desperately, moving to Monty's side as he sighed and looked away, moving back to his desk.

"No, Kristen. You're my second in command here so if I can't go, then you go" he ordered, pushing around some paper, trying to find something.

"How am I your second in command? I've been here for less than two weeks" she pointed out, giving him a nudge along with an expectant look.

"Kristen...my last second in command was the engineer who supposedly fixed the array that shocked you half way to Romulus. You fixed that array better than I ever could so trust me when I say this. You're my second in command" he said kindly, putting a hand on her shoulder in comfort before sitting back down at his desk, pulling the manual into his lap as he propped his feet up, leaning back in his chair.

"Have fun, and bring me back a souvenir, would you?" he called to her retreating form as she dismissed his calls by waving her hand over her shoulder, the chief engineer chuckling. She needed to get out of this mission one way or another, so if Monty wouldn't give her anything to do, then she'd need to be classified as unfit for duty.

---------------

"But it hurts"

"Stop begin a baby, and no it doesn't"

"How would you know, you can't feel it"

"Kristen, it's a broken arm. Actually, it's a mended arm. You're fine, we should take the cast off since you're here" McCoy said, pushing himself on his roller stool across the infirmary to a supply cabinet where he withdrew a small handheld saw, pushing himself back to her and at her side a few seconds later.

"Leo, you're killing me. Please, just declare me unfit for duty. It's either this or me falling down a flight of stairs" she said, giving him an ultimatum that he just brushed away.

"We don't have stairs on this ship, but nice try" he said as he strapped her arm down, turning on the saw and beginning to cut away the hard plaster.

"What about my burn? What if it gets infected and I die, hm? What then?" she asked as he gently sawed away the cast, peeling it all off her arm after about a minute of sawing. He released her arm from the constraints and brushed all the plaster away into a garbage bin, Kristen's arm immediately going to her chest as she began to massage the newly shown skin.

"You're burn is fine, it's practically healed. What is this about anyways? Do you really not want to go off ship that badly?" he asked, taking off his plastic gloves and chucking them away too, staying by her side.

"We are going to Qo'Nos, so I don't know how eager I am to have my ass kicked by Klingon warriors, but that's not it. I just don't want to go with _him"_ she said almost venomously, her eyes narrowing as she thought about him.

"What are you, twelve years old?" he bit back at her, her eyes widening in surprise at his attitude as he rolled away from her, Kristen hopping off the bed to follow.

"What the heck do you mean by that?" she retorted, following him all the way into his office.

"I mean, start acting your age. Yeah, what he did was an ass move but he made a mistake. We all make mistakes, so get off your high horse already. It's been a week, suck it up" he sniped back to her with the bluntness that characterized him like none other. He turned to look at her with sternness in his eyes, a look so frank she almost took a step back.

"It's not that easy Leo. It's—"

"No, actually, it is that easy. You just forgive him. You forgive him for being an ass and you move on. I'm not saying date the guy again, I'm just saying forgive him. He's a hell of a ways away from perfect Kristen, but he's one of the best guys I know" he said again directly, turning his attention back to his desk.

"So..."

"So I suggest you find that flight of stairs Kristen, because I'm not taking you off active duty" McCoy said with finality, turning to give her a look that she knew meant the end of the conversation. Sighing, she turned and stalked off, letting the realization set in that there was no way out of this.

-----------------

She was sitting on the plateau with her black Starfleet issue duffle bag at her feet, significantly bored by the time the rest of the liaison came in around 7 am the next morning. She was dressed differently today; instead of her red dress and boots, she was in black pants, neatly tucked into her boots, a loose red v-neck shirt, and a snug red sports jacket over top, half zipped up. She rose as she saw Kirk followed by three other people stream in, each dressed similarly to her and each with the same bag swung over their shoulders.

"Morning Cadet" he greeted her, his eyes giving her a wary look that she responded to by rolling her eyes. She threw her bag over her shoulder and hopped up on the platform, stepping on one of the humps as Monty came in behind Kirk to send them off.

"I'll be putting you guys down about a mile from the main settlement" the engineer said as he went to work, the team and Kirk each coming onto the platform and standing on one of the small humps.

"If we don't check in within three days, beam us out" Kirk ordered as they all took positions, Monty giving both her and Kirk smiles before nodding once.

"Energize" Kirk said, as millions of small lights began zipping around them, her eyes closing in a blink and then opening, her eyes upon opening taking in their surroundings.

It was darker than she'd expected, too dark for 7AM and too dark for the dense yet canopy sparse forest they'd landed in. The next thing she noticed was the temperature; it was well below zero and if she spotted it right, gentle flakes of snow were falling around them.

"What the hell?" she exclaimed as the silence set in, the five of them all doing 360 degree rotations to check out their surroundings.

"You brought your jacket, right?" James asked as he threw his sack down, pulling out a winter jacket from it and holding it in his hands.

"Of course I brought my jacket. God forbid I look like an idiot again" she sniped back, throwing her own bag down and withdrawing her parka, pulling it on as the three other team members did the same.

She zipped it up and then pulled her pack back on, continuing to look around.

"They have a really turbulent atmosphere, blocks out most of their sun's rays. And really extreme temperature ranges" Kirk noted, almost reading her mind as to what questions she was asking herself.

She turned her head robotically towards him and then scoffed, rolling her eyes and looking away.

"Remind me again why I'm here ?" she asked as they stood around pulling on their winter gear, Kristen staying put in just her jacket.

"Because Cadet, we've had limited interactions with the Klingons so far and I need someone to be able to tell me if they're advanced enough to kick our ass whenever they'd like. Is that okay with you?" he asked with aggression, Kristen turning once again to look at him, this time with surprise, as he pulled a toque onto his head.

"Just asking, _Captain_" she said so venomously that the three other team members stopped what they were doing. She glared at him for a few seconds before she realized that he was glaring back, his eyes burning holes into her own even in the darkness. Eventually, she had to look away.

"So who else is with us today?" she asked, turning to the other three who continued to gear up.

"This is Lieutenant Healy and Ensigns Regar and Karshikov. Those two are our negotiators" Kirk said, pointing to the two signs on the left who smiled at her.

"Healy's their security detail" he said, pointing to the largest man out of all of them, a 6'5 wonder with arms the size of entire chickens. She smiled weakly and nodded.

They set off a few seconds later towards First City, the Klingons capital on Qo'nos. The trek was spent in silence for the most part, the only time someone was when she tripped on a hidden tree root. She was almost about to face plant into the snow when she was caught by someone strong, who hoisted her back onto her feet as if she was nothing. She was expecting to look up and see Healy, but instead she saw James. She became all too aware of how close they were; he was just inches from her with his hands still on her hips and his eyes locked on her's.

"Watch yourself, Cadet" he said quietly before turning, not giving her time to retort angrily or aggressively.

She was going to, but then she just sighed, continuing on her way. Part of her was tired of fighting and tired of being angry and another part of her was still too hurt to try and be civil. But the biggest part of her was confused. It'd been seven days since the date and she'd never thought about him as often as she'd had the past few days. It was unnerving how often he popped up in her mind; when she was working, when she was sleeping, when she was eating. She was still unconditionally hurt and angry with him, but she couldn't deny that whatever feelings she'd had for them were still there. She hadn't anticipated feeling this way. She didn't know how to deal with both anger and want. She didn't understand how she could both hate him yet like him at the same was completely unsettling because for the first time in her life, she had absolutely no control over her own feelings.

She kept thinking about what McCoy had said to her yesterday. He was telling her to just forgive Kirk, something she knew was easier said than done. She didn't think anyone quite understood the depths that which she'd been hurt by Kirk's idiocy at forgetting to cancel a date. It wasn't just a bruised ego, it was a bruised heart. He was the first person she'd opened up to and that meant a lot to her, and just as she was about to reveal some of her darkest secrets to him, he went and proved that he was no better than what'd she'd first thought of him. The left side of her brain, the logical side, was telling her that she was a fool for ever trusting him and ever believing he was anything but the person she'd initially thought he was. But at the same time, the right side of her brain, the intuitive side, was telling her that the man she once saw in him, the man she could see herself with, was still in him, and that he was every bit the person she thought he was. She was trying to make sense of it all, as well as the feeling her heart was giving her. Her head was saying two different things and her heart was saying another; it was screaming TRUST HIM! FORGIVE HIM! BE WITH HIM! at her with brute strength, a strength that was taking her entire will to ignore. She wanted to follow her heart badly, but she didn't know if she could ever trust him again after being betrayed the way she'd been by him. She just didn't know.

They'd just reached the edge of First City, the lights and sound of a metropolitan hitting their eyes and ears about five hundred meters from the forest's edge, when the slight exciement of venturing off ship settled in. They were just about to step into the city when she looked down to mind her feet and saw one of her boots were coming undone, bending down to tie it without giving word. It didn't take long, but by the time she rose, she looked up and saw all four other team members lying unconscious on the city's outlining road.

"James?" she asked with concerning, rushing to his side as she bent down, trying to revive him. Her heart began to race as she checked the pulses of the other team members, thankfully finding strong pulses on all of them. She was just about to hail the Enterprise when she felt a sharp pain hit the back of her head, then darkness.

------------------------------

Was she dead again?

All she could see and hear were darkness and silence. It was darker then black and quieter than space. _Yep,_ she thought. _This feels a lot like last time. _She was just about to come to terms with the fact that she was once again indeed dead when she heard the quiet metallic rustle of chains being disturbed just to her left.

She was just about to move to approach what it was she'd heard when more chains rustled, this time from above her. She looked up, only seeing darkness, so instead tried to raise her arms, only to find that they were already raised.

"Who's there?" a harsh voice whispered, a voice she would have recognized anywhere. An automatic shiver rolled down her spine at the harsh echo his voice gave. It was the echo given off when in a small cobblestone room. Don't ask how she knew that.

"James? Is that you?"

"Kristen? Where are you? Are you alright?"

She was momentarily touched by the evident concern in his voice. Then she remembered where they were.

"I took a blow to the head but I'm fine. What the fuck happened?"

"Ambush. We walked right into a god damn ambush" he spat bitterly, the sound of chain's rustling once again hitting her ears.

"I'm on my knees. Arm's chained out crucifix style. You?" she asked, closing her eyes and trying to dull the intense, throbbing pain emitting from the back of her head.

"Same. Are Healy and them near you?"

"I don't know. By the sound of the acoustics in this room, I'm guessing we're the only ones in here"

A heavy silence set in between the two of them.

"Do the Klingons have a history of being hostile?"

Despite the severity of their situation, she scoffed a laugh, thankful to hear that a few seconds later he joined in.

"I had a pretty good idea that something like this was going to happen" he said after a few seconds of silence, Kristen sighing in agreement.

"I read up on their history with us last night. Why the hell would the Federation send us? Why the hell would they send anybody?" she exasperatedly, the ache of the way her arms were spread out beginning to set in.

"Because I'm the youngest Captain out there. I'm..."

"Expendable?"

"I was going more for capable. This was going to be lesson four, political persuasion, but I guess this can be a review of lesson three, conflict resolution"

They laughed again, Kristen knowing deep down that they were only laughing to keep themselves from thinking about their current situation. Eventually though, a silence set in and they both retreated to within their own minds.

"Think we're going to get out of here?" she asked eventually in a quiet, serious tone, the amusement from before now gone.

"I don't know" he said with equal seriousness.

They fell silent again, this time for about a minute. She was about to open her mouth and say something when the room flooded with light, both of them being blinded instantly before adjusting to the brightness.

Her eyes looked to the right of her and she saw him, stripped of everything but a pair of black shorts, crouched on his knees as his arms were drawn out to either side of him and chained to the stone wall of the room and barred wall that separated them. She was in the same position and as she looked down, she saw that she'd too be stripped of everything except for her black sports bra and black shorts. Another thing she noticed on both of their bodies were the cuts and bruises riddling both of their skins; she'd been too preoccupied by the blinding pain pulsing in the back of her head to even register these other wounds.

She barely had time to recognize anything else because a second later, a figure came into the room, cloaked in shadow. She couldn't recognize him, but she sure as hell recognized what he had in his hand.

She hadn't seen one since high school. If she remembered right, which she usually always did, it was a medieval era swinging mace, a weapon used to inflict hugely damaging wounds and injuries to opponents.

Her heart began to pulse faster and her entire body began to almost indiscernibly quake with fear. It was in that moment that she realized that there was a very good chance she'd never get another opportunity to say what she'd been thinking about saying for a few hours now, ever since McCoy verbally slapped her upside the head.

"Hey James, I might not get another chance to say this so, just for the record...I accept your apology, okay?" she mumbled weakly as the figure just stood there in front of them both.

She turned to give him and a look and surprisingly found him smiling at her, the sweetest smile she thought he'd ever given her. Despite the hulking figure standing in front of them holding a weapon capable of turning both of them into pulp, she let herself get lost in him for a second, almost forgetting where she was and what was happening. In her head, they were back in the mess hall at 3 in the morning drinking coffee and talking about their pasts. They weren't hear facing near certain torture. They were somewhere else, getting to know each other. She let herself get lost in that for a second until he spoke.

"Just for the record Kristen...I knew someday you would"

**((Author's Note****: Words can't describe how happy reviews make me. Thank you all SO much for taking the time to read and comment, it means more than you'll ever know! So, just a note: if you didn't understand why Kirk and Kristen laughed after the 'are klingons hostile?' joke, it's because they are. Klingons + Federation = Bad times. I had to do a lot of research for this chaptera bout Klingons and what not so keep in mind that I did have to adjust some timeline history in order to fit them into my story, but only by a little. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter =] I don't know how I feel about it quite yet, it was difficult to write and at some points I don't think I got the characterization right but oh well. Regardless, I will progress! Keep on doing the three r's: READIN, REVIEWIN, AND ROCKIN. See you on the flip side!))**


	13. Chapter 13

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Thirteen: Trying

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

The first thing she noticed when she woke up was the cold metallic taste of blood in her mouth, the taste so prominent she almost gagged. The next thing she noticed was the darkness and again, she toyed with the idea that she was dead.

She was really starting to get tired of wondering whether or not she was dead.

She decided to test the waters, moving her left arm and finding in surprise that they were no longer up and chained to the walls around her. Instead, she found that it dragged its way harshly across a stone floor, little pebbles digging into her skin before she stopped.

That's about when the pain set in. The mind numbing, body cripping, black out pain that made breaking an arm feel like the tickle of a feather. She tried to remember what had happened, pushing through the pain to try and recall what exactly had gone down to put her in this position.

-----------------------------------

"_Just for the record... I always knew you would"_

_She gave him one final look before her attention was drawn forward to the figure who started to make sounds._

_It sounded like a language, but it was very guttural and alien. The figure paused and then repeated the same set of sounds back to them both her and Kirk silent. They exchanged another worrisome look as the figure backed out of the room after about a minute of silence, the barbed metal end to the mace dragging along the floor emitting a harsh screeching sound. The figure stepped through the doorway and couldn't have been gone for more than a second when he reappeared, his hand now occupied by a friendly yet still devastating folded strap of leather. _

_He said something again the guttural language he'd been speaking, once again receiving silence as a response from the two of them._

"_Look, we don't speak Klingon. I'm sure this has just been one big misunderstanding so if you'd be so kind as to go get your superiors who speak English, I'm sure we can come to some...agreement" he said in the diplomatic sarcasm he'd perfected to a T, Kristen giving a smile despite the fact that they were about to be tortured._

_She watched with horror as the figure took a step towards her, the smile immediately falling from her face and replaced with a look of nothing short of absolute fear. She continued to watch as he stood in front of her, the brightness of the lights still cloaking him in shadow as he stood there for a few seconds, the leather in his hand hanging there menacingly._

_She heard James protest, but at the sound of his voice, the figure's arm rose and struck her across the face, back handing her harshly. Her head flipped to the other side, pain reverberating through her as she slowly brought her head back to centre, closing her eyes and gritting her teeth through the pain._

_Kirk protested again but the figure didn't listen, striking her again. And again. And again.  
_

_And again._

_------------------_

She didn't know how many hits it took for her to get knock unconscious, but here she was. After minutely moving all of her limbs, she was thankful to realize that she was still alive and fully mobile, albeit with copious amounts of pain. Slowly, she dragged herself onto all fours, crawling like a baby straight in one direction and following the wall until she found the barred wall she knew separated her and Kirk. She spat the blood that'd gathered in her mouth to the side, trying to peer through the darkness into his cell.

"James?" she whispered quietly, her voice hoarse and her throat dry, repeating herself several times until she was full out yelling.

"JAMES!" she shouted once more, her heart beginning to race a little bit faster after every time she called his name, she got no answer. By the time she'd called out his name for the sixth time, her heart was almost beating out of her chest. _Where was he?_ She thought to herself, looking around in the darkness as she felt around the bars. _He has to be somewhere else_.

She was about to call out his name again when the lights came back on in the room, dimmer this time and not as intense.

Her hands went to her eyes immediately, covering them from the attack of lightness as she heard the door to the room creek open and people shuffle in. She shielded the light with her forearm and watched as two figures dragged in James, his head lolling side to side like a rag doll as they dropped him down in front of her, turning and leaving without a word. This time though, the left the dimmed lights on and after about a minute of silence, reassuring enough to Kristen to show that they weren't coming back, she slowly crawled to his side, appraising him.

She let out a breath as she watched his bare yet bruised and beaten chest rise and fall, contusions the sizes of apples and grape fruits pock mocking his skin like tattoos. She took him in, taking unsolicited comfort in the fact that he was alive and with her, beside her instead of kept behind bars. She know the last time she'd felt this relieved before; sure, she was still at upset at what had happened between them, but if she had to choose between being here alone and being here with him, she'd always, always, choose him.

She placed one of her hands on his chest and closed her eyes, trying to keep the tears that were burning at the back of her eyes at bay. The severity of their situation was hitting her now, the shock of what exactly was going on delaying the emotional response. She couldn't believe what had happened in the past twenty four hours, or so she guessed. They'd walked right into an ambush and now, the lives of the three other team members were just giant question marks. They'd both taken severe blows to the head, although the bleeding seemed to have stemmed off. They'd been stripped of their clothes and tortured without any hope of rescue. Their situation was very, very dire, with no foreseeable way out. She'd never been in a situation like this before; in prison, she always knew she'd be released. But here...she had no idea what these things were going to do her.

She opened her eyes finally and then drank him in, analyzing his injuries with her limited medical training. He had bruises and little cuts all over, as well as one hell of a slack eye and split lip. He was unconscious but was breathing steadily and had a strong pulse. By the lack of fresh wounds on his body, she suspected that the whip had been just for intimidation and that they'd taken fists to his body instead of leather.

She placed her forehead on his chest beside her head, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes once more to try and stem the tears that rolled down her dirt stained cheeks anyways. She felt the beat of his heart pulse in his chest below her hand as she just stayed there, trying to figure out that the hell they were going to do.

"James?" she whispered quietly, getting no response after a few seconds.

"James, I need you to wake up. You're the Captain, you know what to do in situations like this. I don't know what to do here...so wake up" she said, bringing her head off of his chest and turning her body slowly so that she was sitting beside him, her head tilted to look at his face.

"Wake up James, come on" she said, nudging him gently.

Silence.

"James" she said, nudging him a little more aggressively, her hands beginning to shake.

This time, she got a response. She watched as his eyelids fluttered and her heart pulsed heavily in her chest, a smile instantly coming to her face. She continued to watch as he moved his head slowly to the side, mumbling something to her as he did so.

"God, what's a man gotta do around here to get some shut eye" he muttered, a weak smile coming to his lips as soon as the words finished passing through them. She laughed in appreciation and shut her eyes, inexplicably relieved on the inside that he was here with and coherent. She hand she'd kept on his chest curled into a fist before retracting her finger's slowly, become all too aware about the way his skin felt on her finger tips.

"Are you okay?" she asked as he opened his eyes slowly, blinking a few times to adjust to the surroundings.

"I think so. How about you, you alright?" he asked as he slowly came to, Kristen helping him sit up slowly until he was fully upright.

"I'm fine" she said as they sat there, their bodies so close she could feel the heat radiating off of him.

"Your jaw..." he started, gently bringing a hand her face as his fingertips phantomed their way across her jaw line, giving her pain whenever the pressure he applied was too much. She winced a little bit then brushed away his hand, bringing her own to his left eye to examine the intensive bruising surrounding it.

"That's going to leave a mark" she muttered, finally retracting her hand and then just sitting their, both of their eyes locked on the other. They sat like that for a minute, James leaning back on both of his hands as Kristen sat by his hip, her arms around her legs as she hugged them into her chest.

"What the hell happened?" she said quietly, giving another look to the room they were in. It was a small, cramped cobble stone room with a barred wall separating it down the middle for about three quarters of the length and then a door in the northwest corner. There were also the sets of chains; the chains that allowed both of them to take such body blows that they'd taken.

"They want revenge for a destroyed war bird of theirs" he noted, spitting blood from his mouth out the side before gingerly touching his nose.

"But we didn't destroy one of their war birds" she said loudly, now getting annoyed with the situation on top of deathly scared.

"That doesn't matter to them, Kristen. We're Federation, and that's all they need to know" he commented shaking his head slowly as what seemed like the infinite silence set in.

"What happened after I blacked out?"

He looked down at himself, avoiding her eyes as she watched him formulate an answer.

"He kept hitting you for a few more minutes. Then he came at me and started beating me. I blacked out and when I came to I was sitting in a chair, hands and feet bound. They kept talking in that language until they eventually tried English. Said that they're keeping us as hostages and if the Federation doesn't give them a vessel, they'll kill us" he said as she saw him relive it in his head, his eyes far away and his face a mixture of confused, pained, and strength.

"Chances of the Federation doing something like that?" she asked, although she already knew the answer to the question. It had been in one of the cadet training manuals Pike had given to her after she'd passed all his tests. _The Federation does not acknowledge acts of terrorism_. She didn't have to clarify what that meant.

She watched as he brought his eyes off the stone wall a few feet away from them and looked at her, his eyes locked onto her green ones for a few seconds before speaking.

"None"

More silence.

"Did you see any of the other guys?"

His eyes flickered away from her for a split second before returning back to her.

"No"

She looked around the room again this time, mostly to avoid his eyes so that he wouldn't be able to see the tears welling in her eye ducts, the severity of their situation setting in.

"Hey" he said quietly, using one of his hands to direct her face back towards him, her eyes glassy as she looked right at him.

"It's gonna be okay" he said, using his thumb to brush away the tear that'd fallen, beating her hand to it.

She nodded and sobered herself up, knowing her tears were doing nothing for the situation. She was just tilting her head back to clear the tears when he spoke again.

"Look, I uh...I want you to know something. I never meant to hurt you" he said as she brought her head back down to eye level, turning it ever so faintly to the side in surprise at what he was talking about.

"James, are you sure this is the best time to—"

"Let me finish. I don't know when I'm going to get another chance to say this" he chided, giving her a pointed yet wearisome look.

"What happened to everything's going to be okay?" she asked quietly, looking down at her knees and then back up at him, watching as his head cocked to the side and he gave her a dangerous look that in short told her to not even go there.

"What you need to understand Kristen is that...I've never been very good with women" he started, Kristen scoffing a laugh immediately. She winced in pain though, gingerly putting a hand to her ribs before chuckling quietly a few times to James' annoyed yet amused face.

"I don't think that's your issue, James. From what I know, you're very good with women. Probably too good" she joked, putting a hand to her forehead and brushing her hair back and out of her face, feeling the dirt tangled between strands of hair as she did so.

"That's not what I meant. I meant like...I'm not very good at being with a woman" he elaborated, Kristen seeing through his eyes how unsure and hesitant he was at telling her all this. It was endearing and heartfelt, but that didn't stop her from outright laughing this time.

"James, come on" she pleaded, giving him a smile as she chuckled again.

"Stop it. Can't you see how hard this is for me to say?" he exasperated, giving her a winning yet weak smile that she returned, eventually falling quiet.

"I mean like...actually being with a woman. I can do all the physical stuff but the emotional stuff is what trips me up. I don't know how to be...that guy, you know?" he asked, wrinkling his brow as he looked at her with nothing but sincerity in his eyes.

She got lost in them for a second. She'd said she'd already forgiven him and in that moment, sitting there with absolutely no hope in the air what so ever, staring into his eyes, she did forgive him. She could see it in his eyes just how bad he felt about the entire situation and that he'd meant what he'd said about never wanting to hurt her. She believed it. So she forgave him.

She nodded once, and then let him continue.

"But lately...I'm trying to be that guy. You got to give me that, I'm trying" he pleaded, a small smile playing upon her lips as she watched him squirm.

"But yeah...I just thought you'd ought to know that I'm trying. I really am trying" he finished, giving her a smile before going silent.

"I don't trust easy, James. Like anyone. I learned from a very early age that the only person I could depend on was myself. So it's not very easy for me to open up to people. And when we were talking last week at dinner, I was about to tell you something about myself that was very private and bam, incomes some blonde bimbo you made plans with weeks ago. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? Whatever you trust you had with me, gone. Shattered" she said with inexcusable honesty, conveying that emotion through her eyes.

He sat up straighter, bringing himself closer to her, their faces now inches apart.

"I want you to trust me again" he whispered to her, his eyes searching her face.

"I want to trust you again too, but I don't think it is that easy" she whispered back, becoming overly aware of how blue his eyes were up close, and the thin threads of green that seemed to trace their way around his iris.

He was about to open his mouth to say something when the door swung open, the lights brightening instantly as two figures came striding in. She looked over her shoulder, her eyes catching the figured as they strode towards the door of them, James throwing one of his arms around her and pushing her behind him. She watched as the figures reached towards them as just as they were about to grab them, a loud siren erupted and the light in the room turned red. She watched from behind Kirk as the figures turned to look at each other for a split second before sprinting from the room, the door staying open as they fled.

They sat there for a few seconds, Kristen feeling the heavy rise and fall of Kirk's breath as he tried to regain himself after that scare. Eventually, they got to their feet and slowly walked to the door, the siren beginning to annoy and cause dull headaches with its volume. They were just at the doorway when James stopped her, turning to her and moving his mouth towards one of her ears.

"You're going to need to trust me" he said to her as she pulled back her head, giving him a careful look. Eventually she nodded and he nodded back, creeping his head around the doorway as his hand sought out one of her's, intertwining his fingers with her own and holding on.

She followed him as he stepped out into the hall, unsettled to find that it was more cobble stone. They slowly walked down it and then turned left at the first chance, finding yet another abandoned cobble stone hallway. They had to turn down another before they both became satisfied with the lack of Klingons to feel as if they were alone, and that is when the walking turned into a run. She followed him down countless hallways taking lefts, rights, and sometimes even going straight. They opened numerous doors that lead to nothing and even more doors that lead to rooms with technology that Kristen couldn't even begin to describe. All she knew was that after god knows how long spent running around the abandoned complex, they finally reached a doorway that lead them outside.

At the first gulp of fresh air, they both collapsed on the ground in a combination of exhaustion, dehydration, malnutrition, and weakness. It was only after about three or four deep, lung filling breaths did either of them realize what was going on.

The night sky above them lit up with the light of red phaser beams and the sound of distant construction. She rolled over and hoisted herself up, helping James up as well as the red beams continued to flash across the sky.

"Those are phaser beams" she noted as they looked up, her eyes going to him as she looked for some direction.

"We need to get to a clearing. If we can get to a clearing they might be able to isolate our life signatures and beam us up" he said, jerking his head towards the left as they tear off, the thought of rescue giving them the energy that had otherwise eluded them.

"Can they isolate our signatures from Klingons?" he called as they continued to sprint, desperate to find a clearing amidst the forest the doorway had lead them to.

"Yes. They'll be able to tell we're human, whether or not they choose to beam us up will be up to the Enterprise" she called to him as they continued running, jumping over downed logs and ducking beneath branches as they went. In the distance, she heard the guttural sounds of the language the Klingons had been speaking before but she kept running, James leading her to a five hundred yard circular clearing that they ran to the centre of.

They stood there for a few minutes, eyes on the sky, as the forest rustled around them and the Klingons drew closer. Her attention had just been drawn to her left where she saw a Klingon break from the forest and into the clearing when she began to be surrounded by lights, a gasp of "Yes!" breaking from her lips as she turned around to face James, his own face masked in nothing short of pure excitement. The lights had almost fully encompassed them when his hands met her own, clasping them firmly almost a millisecond before they rematerialized on the beaming pad.

They were met with a room full of silence as they just stood there for a few seconds, their eyes locked on each other . Eventually though, they took a step back and surveyed each other more wholly, the whiteness of the ship detailing just how badly they'd been beaten up. The bruises that she'd seen on his chest in Qo'nos paled in comparison to how she saw them now.

"Good god...I need a team of medics to the transport room, now!" barked Bones, drawing their attention off of each other and to the doctor who was standing amongst a slew of others.

"Computer to bridge" Kirk barked soon after, startling her with both the volume and authority in his voice.

"Captain? Is that you?" Sulu said a second later, his voice surprised and eager.

"Sulu. Warp 7 to anywhere we'll be safe for the time being, on my mark" Kirk ordered before stepping off the platform, giving Kristen a hand down as well.

In the small transporter room she recognized almost everyone; Scotty with his headset, Bones with his concerned eyes, Spock with his usual stoicness, Uhura with her compassion, and even Ensign Chekov with his confused yet otherwise friendly disposition.

"I know it's all great to see us and everything but, don't you guys have jobs to do?" Kirk joked eventually after about a minute of everyone staring at them.

"Jim, what the hell happened?" Bones said as he snapped out of his revere, stepping forward with tricorder as he began to scan Kristen, inching the small hand held part down her body.

"Let's just say I don't think we're going to be able to ask the Klingons if we can borrow a cup of sugar any time soon" he said sarcastically, Bones paying little attention as the doctor's eyes focused on the scanner.

"What about Healy and the others? The negotiation team?" Uhura asked, stepping forward.

Kirk looked at Kristen and then back to his CO, his eyes hard.

"Scotty, were there any other human life signs on the planet besides our own?" he asked the engineer who shook his head.

"No. We scanned the planet two hours and were only able to pick up your life signs, sir" Scotty said, his face a picture of disappointment.

"Well why didn't you beam us out then?" she cried, Bones still analyzing her with his tricorder.

"They had a cloak on the facility you were being held in that disrupted our transporting capabilities. Once you got out of there we could get you out of there no problem but not while you were within the building" Scotty explained, Kristen kicking herself for not thinking of that herself. She'd blame this lack of insight later on her still present headwound.

"Two hours ago? What, why did you scan the planet two hours ago?" Kirk asked his eye good eye squinting at Monty while the other just kind of stayed put, the bruised tissue around it enabling him to narrow it.

"It has been two days since you beamed down to the planet, Sir" Spock informed them, speaking up for the first time. Both she and Kirk looked at him with surprise, surprised to find that two whole days had past. They exchanged a look before James spoke up.

"I distinctly remember saying wait three days Commander. Any reason you disobeyed my orders?" James retorted sarcastically, sitting down on the platform tiredly as he rubbed his eyes.

"Forgive me, Captain. We can beam you down to the planet's surface and wait another twenty four hours if you'd like" the commander said in a rare moment of humour, everyone in the room sharing a good chuckle.

"So there are no other humans down there?" James asked eventually looking up from his hands.

"None that are alive, sir" Monty said, acknowledging the thought all of them were thinking but all were too chicken to say.

"Okay then. Computer to bridge" he said, taking on the roll of captain again. She could see it in his eyes how heavily this next decision weighed on him, but he knew his place. There'd be time for grief and sadness later, but right now he needed to get his crew to safety, and flying above Qo'nos was not what he'd call safe. He looked over at her for a split second, her eyes full of sympathy as he acknowledge it with a nod before turning his attention back to the speaker above his head.

"Sulu, take us out"

**((Author's Note: Tada, a new chapter, AS promised. I hope you all enjoyed this, because it's definitely one hell of a chapter. I know it may have been confusing, but I really hope the desperation of the situation and the fear that Kristen was feeling was evident enough to you guys. I tried to write it the best that I could but I still feel as if I fell a little short on the emotions conveying front. Regardless, I think I'm going to take it easy for a while on the drama front...play it easy for a few chapters and see where that takes me. I know that drama is what keeps you guys reading, but this story is more than just knuckles in the face life or death situations. A lot of stuff happened in this chapter and it's going to take a while for both Kristen and James to sift through all the stuff they've just been through. I also need time to gather more ideas; it's quite difficult writing 7-9 pages on Word everyday to the calibre of adventure/drama/romance/humour that I expect for this story. I want everything to be great because I know you, the readers, deserve it! You've been giving me such amazing feedback and support that I write the best chapters I can, sans beta. So by backing off of the intense drama for a bit, it'll give me time to gather some kick ass ideas and provide some super chapters in the future. Anyways, like always, please keep reading and reviewing and I'll see you all tomorrow))**


	14. Chapter 14

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Fourteen: A bar fight, a messy divorce and a flask of whiskey

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

"Bones, I'm fine."

"Just sit down, alright? I'm not done yet."

"Bones, they're just a few bruises."

"And a cracked rib. Now are you going to let me do my job or not, huh?"

She watched from her spot on the bed beside James in sick bay as he argued with the doctor, finally relenting and letting McCoy take a good look at him, Kristen smiling to herself as a medic tended to her head.

"How's she doing?" she said as she watched Kirk motion his head in her direction Kristen, giving her a faint smile before wincing in pain as Bones poked him in the ribs.

"Who, Kristen? Now she's fine." McCoy said as he tossed her a look before returning back to James, still analyzing him with the tricorder.

"Geez, Thanks for the sympathy, doc." she chuckled, wincing as the medic put unintentional pressure on her head wound, Kristen glaring at him before turning back to James and McCoy.

"Yeah, yeah. Sympathy's my specialty." he joked, giving her a pointed look but with lips curled up in rare smile.

She and James had been transported to sick bay shortly after they jumped into warp, both arriving on stretchers and immediately being put on the mend. For the most part, McCoy was right; she was fine. Besides the head wound, a handful of little scratches and cuts and even more bruises, she was fine. She felt like crap and would probably be hobbling around everywhere for the next few days, but she was fine. James had taken the worst of it all, with a cracked rib and more bruises than she thought anyone could count. They sure made a pair the two of them, this being Kristen's third visit to the infirmary since she'd been here.

"So I'm thinking I should have a bed permanently reserved for me, you know? Seeing as it seems like I'm in here every other day" she joked as the medic finished bandaging her head, throwing her a bottle of painkillers from the medicine cabinet along with instructions on how to take them. She chucked two of them back and followed them with a swig of water, sliding off the bed and onto her feet as she headed towards the door.

"Captain if you don't mind, I'd like permission to go back to my quarters and sleep for about a day." she joked, James chuckling in appreciation before nodding.

"Permission granted, Kristen. Sounds so good I may have to join you myself." he said as she started hobbling towards the door, halting the second the word's escaped his lips. She whipped around, both her and McCoy having similarly confused and slightly horrified looks on their faces as they stared at him.

"What did I say? Oh, god, no! I meant my own...I didn't mean her's...Just go Kristen." he said, waving a hand towards her before rubbing his eyes tiredly, the three of them chuckling in the misunderstanding, Kristen turning and heading out of the sick bay with the faintest of smiles on her face.

It was good to be home.

---------------

She hadn't realized just how dirty she'd become until she'd gotten back to her quarters that night and stripped off her clothes. She stood under the showerhead, waterproof bandage on her head to protect her wound, and watched as the water sloughed off the dirt and dried blood. She seemed to be caked in it; just after she thought she'd hit skin, she'd find another layer. It took over an hour for her to scrub herself clean delicately around her bruises, her skin raw and pink by the time she was done. Her hair took another half an hour as everything from pebbles to dirt was trapped in it. She was disgusted by how dirty she'd gotten in the past two days and finally, after about an hour and a half under a steaming stream of hot water, she felt clean.

She ambled out of her washroom, steam pouring out into her bedroom as she wrapped a towel around her, the warmth of the shower and the sleep deprivation of the past few days almost lulling her to sleep right then and there. But before she fell asleep she managed to pull on her undergarments and sleepwear, her eyes shut and mind slumbering before her head even hit the pillow.

----------------

She didn't know how long she'd slept for, but when she woke up and checked the clock, she saw that it was three in the morning, a time that made her chuckle and blush a little at the same time. She willed herself to go back to sleep but she couldn't; her mind was now running rampant of thoughts about Kirk and what had transpired between them. She'd left the Enterprise and he'd been on her hit list and now, things had changed. The vulnerability he'd shown to her for those few seconds in the cell had changed everything. She'd been affected by what he'd told her and the way he did it; she knew now that he was trying to be a better person and didn't want her to think that he'd ever try to hurt her. It was some of the most endearing words she'd ever heard, words that erased all the hate and anger from her mind. He wasn't the villain anymore. He was trying to be the hero.

After spending fifteen minutes trying to head back to bed she threw the covers off of her, her stomach growling almost on command as she sat up slowly, her feet finding her slippers as she slowly shuffled from her room, grabbing the red robe hanging by her door before walking out into the hall. As she moved, it was as if her body was screaming at her to get back into bed; her muscles, joints and bruises all ached in protest, and the pain didn't stop there. The brightness of the hallway for a moment startling her and taking her back to the days on Qo'nos, and the bright lights that shone in the room right as she was getting beaten. She stepped back into her door, her arms in front of her face to try and block out the light and in another way, block out the memories.

"I did the same thing." she heard a voice say, her arms dropping back to her side slowly to reveal a glasses wearing Kirk standing a few meters from her, a faint smile on his lips but his face otherwise solemn.

"Hey, were you released?" she asked, rushing to his side as she saw him stumble but then back off when she finally saw the cane he was wielding.

"Not exactly." he said in a humorous voice, offering up his wrist that still had a medical bracelet around it as they began walking down the hall to the lift.

"Just taking a friendly stroll then?" she asked as they reached the lift finally, the pair of them moving slowly due to Kirk's inability to move much faster.

"I was actually coming to check if you were up. See if you wanted to grab coffee or something." he said as she pressed the mess hall level, the lift taking them there almost instantly.

"At three in the morning? If I didn't know better James, I'd say that that's a booty call." she teased, helping him out of the lift as they started down the hallway the lift deposited them on, taking it slow. She smiled as she watched him chuckle, his black eye so evident on his face admits the whiteness of the hallway. Just looking at it seemed to hurt her, Kristen wincing as she watched his eyes crinkle in a smile.

"God, your eye looks terrible. Is there anything I can do?" she offered as they turned into the mess hall, the eating room empty and silent, lit by the emergency lights like always.

"Yeah, actually. There is," he started, giving her a small smile and a wicked look with his eyes as they walked to the closest table, James depositing himself down in a chair and resting his cane against the wall. He leant forward on the table and smiled, the same wicked look in his eyes that unhinged her like none other. She had to give it to him; the boy could do wonders with those eyes of his.

"You can have a cup of coffee with me." he said cheekily, giving her one final searing look as she moved over to the coffee machine, grinning to herself as she poured them two cups. She also grabbed a few slices of bread for herself to try and quiet her empty stomach.

"So how are you doing?" she asked as she joined him at the table, leaning back in her own chair as she scarfed down the bread.

"Well...I'm tired and everything hurts like hell but I'm alive so in my books, I'm doing pretty damn good." he said as he rose his mug, Kristen quickly raising his own and knocking it against his in a sign of good faith.

She took a sip from her mug and watched as he looked off into the corner, his eyes going distant as she watched his mind go elsewhere. It didn't take a genius to know what he was thinking about.

"You thinking about them?" she asked, knowing she wouldn't have to clarify who she was talking about.

She watched his eyes come back to her and his head bob once in a nod, eyes going down to his coffee and then back to the corner.

"First lives lost" he said, his voice tapering off as he became distant again.

She could see it all over his face how heavily he wore that fact. He carried that burden along with several others and it was times like these, times where he had just one of his many guards down, could she see just how much he had to deal with. So, much like she did the last time they were getting coffee at three in the morning, she leant forward and gently placed her hand on his own, feeling his fingers curl around her own almost immediately upon contact.

They sat like that for a few minutes, Kristen watching as he dug up the strength to keep carrying the burdens he carried on his shoulders, wishing she could carry some of it for him. She'd never been close enough to someone to care enough to do that before but as she sat there in the mess hall with him watching him deal with everything, she'd wished deep down there was something she could do.

"How's your jaw doing?" he eventually asked, bringing his attention back to her as he gave her a smile, Kristen all too aware of the fact that he still had her hand in his to put together much of a coherent sentence.

"What? Oh, uh, I've had worse" she commented, both of them taking sips from the mugs as she tried to focus back on the conversation and off of how rough and callused his hands felt beneath her fingertips.

"Have you?" he asked as he set his mug down, Kristen finding it almost impossible to focus on him now that his thumb was running itself over the back of her hand. It was so unnerving the way even his touch made her seemingly lose control.

"What?" she asked, giving her head a shake and smiling at him abashedly in such a way that he grinned delicately at her, cocking his head ever so slightly to the side.

"I asked if you'd ever had worse? Done to your jaw?" he clarified, taking another sip.

She felt her face drop as she withdrew her hand from his, her eyes diverted off the side as she thought about his question. It was personal, the level of personal that you only tell someone about if you trust them, and trust with James was something she didn't know whether she was ready to dive into again.

"Whoa, hold on, what's going on, what happened?" he asked as he watched her sudden body language change Kristen crossing her arms over her chest in the most defensive position in the book.

"Let's just...not go there. Not yet, at least" she said as she tried to relax back to a neutral position, recognizing the confusion in his face as she tried to ease back.

They sat in an awkward silence for a few seconds, each taking sips from their respective mugs, before he spoke.

"So how 'bout them Klingons, right?" he joked, chuckling to himself while Kristen just stayed silent, giving him a pointed confused look.

"Huh?" she asked which only fuelled him more, his chuckle growing into a laugh.

"Never mind, just some guy humour I thought you'd enjoy." he said with a smile, still chuckling. She just sat there and watched in confusion as he took enjoyment out of her reaction.

"Why would I ever enjoy laughing about the creatures that just kept me locked up and beat me?" she asked, deadpanning. He sobered up at this, but not enough to keep the after effects of laughter off his face.

"Because laughing is the best possible medicine. It's true, you can go ask Bones if you'd like." he said in his clutch sarcasm, giving her such a winning smile that she felt her lips curling upward.

"What's with Bones anyway, why do you call him that?" she asked, finally inquiring about the origin of the nickname she'd been wondering about for a while. She watched him look off the side and chuckle for a few seconds before returning his attention back to her.

"Uh, that's a really long story involving a bar fight, a messy divorce and a flask of whiskey. Not exactly a 3 AM conversation." he said, giving her a pointed look in an attempt to sway her.

"Actually, that's exactly a three AM conversation. Spill, now." she demanded, sitting up in her seat as she watched the Captain chuckle to himself and then dive right in.

-------------

It took him about twenty minutes to tell the entire story and by the end of it, Kristen finally understood just why the name Bones had stuck with him all this time.

"He's one crazy son of a bitch but...he's always had my back." James finished with, looking off to the side and giving a smile before draining the final sips of coffee from his mug.

"I've never had a friend like that." she commented, cocking her head to the side as she watched him make a face at her comment, the mug still at his lips.

"I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing." James joked, wiping his lips with the back of his hand as he set his empty mug down with a chuckle they both shared.

"No, I mean it. I've never had a friend who would do the stuff he's done for you or that you've done for him." she commented, admiring their comradery. Whenever she'd been with the two of them, she'd always noticed how easily they got along and she'd been jealous of that; living the life she used to lead, she'd never really had many friends, let alone someone to get along with the way McCoy and James did.

"Yeah, again. Good thing or bad thing?" he joked further, this time withdrawing a look of annoyance from her. She watched him chuckle a bit and the nod, lifting his shoulders in as big of a shrug that he could muster.

"Let's just say it makes being Captain easier knowing I have a guy like Bones on my team." he said, Kristen taking a sip from her mug as she gave him a knowing look with her eyes.

"Seems like a lot of people around here are on your team. McCoy, Scotty, Spock, Sulu, Chekov, Pike, even Uhura on a good day. Very loyal crew." she noted, raising her mug to him.

He shrugged again, looking down this time to his hands as he fiddled with a hangnail.

"There's something about saving the world and then almost getting sucked into a blackhole that just seems to bring crews together." he noted sarcastically, Kristen chuckling in appreciation as she recalled his dissertation.

"All I'm saying is that you should consider yourself very lucky to have as many people around here that care about you." she noted.

"I know that. I know how lucky I am." he said seriously, nodding to her once, the conversation taking yet another serious turn. They sat in silence for a while, their eyes trained on each other with looks of nothing short of intensiveness firing from within. As she sat there with his eyes locked on her's, she felt completely and utterly emotionally naked; as if he could see her soul. She'd never met someone who could see through her as easily as he could.

"You're going to take the Kobayashi Maru tomorrow." Kirk said eventually, slapping his hand down on the table, leaning back and giving her an arrogant smile that she hadn't seen in a while.

"Am I supposed to know what that is?" she said, making an expectant look with her face consisting of pursed lips and a raised brow.

"It's a test given to cadets back at the Academy to judge their character. They stick you in a simulation ship and you're given a situation where you basically have to rescue the stranded crew of the USS Kobayashi Maru while faced with a seemingly no win scenario." he explained

"Seemingly?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. She watched as he scoffed a single laugh and then leant forward, crossing his arms over the table as he came close to her.

"One thing you should know about me Kristen is that I don't believe in no win scenarios." he whispered, giving her another smile before leaning back. She laughed, shaking her head and then stifling a yawn.

"That's all fine and dandy James but I know next to nothing about how to run a ship" she countered, giving him another look.

"You know our weapons better than anyone else and you've taken very well to navigation. You're good. Besides, it's just a preliminary test so I can see what you're made of" he teased the computer above them informing them that it was promptly 4 AM.

"I'll keep that in mind. But right now we should be getting you back to the sick bay. Come on, I'll tuck you in." she said, rising from her chair and helping James do the same. Slowly, she walked with him in silence to the sick bay, her hands in the pockets of her robe as he hobbled beside her, his face trying to mask the pain she knew he was feeling.

Eventually, they made it there and she helped him to his bed, Kristen adverting her eyes as she watched him struggle and intake sharp breaths, sure-fire signs of pain. It took a while, but eventually he was laying in his bed, Kristen pulling the covers up to his waist before taking a step back.

"You know, if you are actually tucking me in, I think that means I get a good night kiss" he said just as she'd turned to leave, causing her to stop in her tracks and wheel around.

She looked at him for a few seconds, the arrogant smile beaming on his face at full force, so winning that she slowly walked back to him despite all logic telling her to get her ass back to her room. She stood at his bedside for a few seconds, taking in his winning smile and breath taking blue eyes. He was by far one of the best looking men she'd ever laid eyes on, even with the black eye and body full of bruises. And from what she could tell, he was trying to be a better person. That made me a hell of a lot better than any of the other boys she used to know.

She took in a breath and then bent down slowly lowering her lips towards his but then retracting as soon as she within an inch, pressing her lips against his cheek instead before pulling back cheekily, turning and leaving a laughing Kirk in her midst.

**((Author's Note****: So I know what everyone's thinking; going to the cheek after the lips is the oldest trick in the book. And your right, it is. But remember, Kristen's book is limited, very, very limited. That an it was so cute to write I couldn't resist, LOL. Anyways, thanks for all the AMAZING reviews, as always. I've had some really awesome suggestions from you guys that I'll definitely be keeping in mind =] Someone suggested a beta to me and I'd like to know more info so if one of the readers could like Coles notes for me what a beta does and how I find one, that'd be SWEET. Anyways, notes on this chapter...Slowled it down a bit as I said I would. I'm going to slowly start expanding things between Kristen and Kirk and hopefully start making the relationship more intimate and not just this friendly stuff. I think it's time they kicked it to the next level; they've been through enough together that I think it's okay, no? I have an idea for an upcoming chapter but I need an opinion: Would a shipwide ball/dance/bar night be too cheesy? Let me know what you think in your review, okay? Remember your 3 R's as always KEEP ON READING, REVIEWING, AND ROCKIN! Peace))**


	15. Chapter 15

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Fifteen: Just a summary, Spock

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

"Captain, we're being hailed by the USS Kobayashi Maru. We've received their distress signal along with a report that they're apparently stranded in the Klingon Neutral Zone after hitting a gravitic mine. We've been ordered by Starfleet Command to go and rescue them." Uhura said, giving her a friendly smile and a reassuring nod before turning back to her station.

She sat in the Captain's chair as the visuals for the simulation came up on the bridge view screen, Kristen uneasy with the fact that she was in the Enterprise's actual bridge even though they were still flying. It was around seven at night the next day, Kristen having spent all day reviewing command logs and other reports in an attempt to prepare herself for the test. Kirk had been released from sickbay that morning and had come to check on her every so often in her quarters, giving her words of wisdom and support each time.

"Captain Kirk, are you sure it's okay for me to be doing this?" she asked again, shooting him a cautious look as he rose from his spot beside Sulu by the centre console, giving her a comforting smile.

"Relax, Cadet. We're in Federation air space and I've alerted nearby ships that we're running simulations. Just focus on what Lieutenant Uhura is telling you." he said comfortingly, giving her a friendly smile.

"But if I tell Sulu to fire on the Klingon warships, are we going to fire in real life?" she asked, leaning forward in her chair as she rested her elbows on her knees, hands clasped together in front of her.

She watched Kirk give Spock an amused yet knowing look, and she watched as the Vulcan who was standing by the lift door turned his head ever so slightly to the side and the nod his head once to Kirk in acknowledgement before writing some things down on the clipboard he was holding.

"Captain, we hawe no reports of any Klingon warbirds in zee area." Chekov said, spinning around in his chair to face her.

"Please. The second we cross into Klingon air space they'll be on us like white on rice." she scoffed, the bridge going silent except for the scratching sound of Spock's pen. She watched out of the corner of her eye as Kirk exchanged similarly amused glances with Uhura and Sulu, staying silent however as she continued to think.

"Okay, we need a plan. They're going to come in the second we cross into their air space so we have to be ready for that. Sulu, full power to forward shields and phasers. Then we have to deal with staying alive and getting the Maru crew. Computer to Engineering," she started, tapping the left hand arm rest twice in the communications button, hailing Scotty.

"Monty I want you to prep our shuttles for departure to the Maru on my mark." she finished, hearing the Scotsman acknowledge the order as the bridge fell silent again.

"Sulu I want you to use thrusters to get as close as you can to the ship as possible as fast as possible. Once we're in place I'm going to deploy our shuttles to go pick up the crew. Is that understood?" she asked, standing up and giving everyone in the bridge a look. She received nods and other modes of agreement from everyone participating in the simulation.

"What if we take heavy fire? If the Enterprise is damaged and we're forced to evacuate, we'll have no way of getting off the ship if our shuttles at on the Maru." McCoy pointed out as he looked up from his console, assuming the role of a weapons technician for the exercise.

She thought about this for a few seconds before sitting back down, her heart beating so fast she was sure that everyone could hear it. She cast a wearisome look to Kirk before speaking.

"Let's go." she said, giving Sulu a nod to signal that he should start off. Sure enough, the second they crossed into Klingon space she heard the beeps emit from Sulu's console that signalled the presence of Klingon warbirds.

"Captain, we've got two warbirds incoming!" he shouted to her, the bridge all of a sudden becoming a lot more tense as people readied at their stations, most alerts and sirens going off.

"Get me there Sulu, come on! Full power to shields, phasers ready." she shouted back, sitting up in her seat.

"Captain, they've locked weapons onto us." McCoy shouted form his console, looking over at her.

"Damn it. Shuttles away." she ordered another technician, her blood beginning to boil and her heart beginning to beat faster. Everything was becoming so noisy and loud in the bridge that it was getting harder and harder for her to think.

"Captain, they're firing torpedoes." Sulu informed her, shouting the information over his shoulder as he kept his eyes on his console.

"What? God damnit, Phasers, now." she ordered him, feeling the simulated shake of the bridge a second later. She shook in her seat, grinding her teeth as she tried to keep herself in check.

"Sulu, how we doing?" she asked, seeing the flash of red across the screen signalling the deployment of the phaser beams. The bridge gave another shake.

"Shield's at sixty percent. Now forty" he informed her, the phasers still going off. She saw one of the warbirds explode in a ball of fire, her heart beginning to race faster now, sitting on the edge of her seat.

"How are the shuttles doing?" she yelled, the ship taking another hit.

"Twenty percent. Another hit will drain our shield's, Captain" Sulu said.

"Shuttles are just finishing boarding all the crew. ETA two minutes" another tech said, the bridge becoming even more hypersensitive and loud.

"Shaw to Engineering. Monty I need two more minutes of shield power" she directed, her attention being drawn back to the screen as two more warbirds showed up. Her heart sank to her stomach, her mind churning at a level she'd never thought at before. _Shields aren't going to last, not with another two warbirds firing torpedoes. We don't have enough power to do that_, she thought, her mind on the verge of breaking.

"Two incoming warbirds. They've locked on" Sulu shouted, the bridge shaking once more and a final, aggressive sensor alerting the entire bridge to the failure of the shields. The two minutes Monty had given her had just been drained by a triple torpedo attack.

"WHAT THE HELL? Tell those shuttles to hurry up! Fire phasers at all the warbirds, NOW!" she yelled, the second warbird from the first wave finally being destroyed a second later. The bridge shook much more violently this time, Kristen almost thrown from her seat as they quaked from the impact of the torpedoes.

"Shuttles are on their way back" a tech said to her, Kristen's eyes still screwed on the screen. They took several more hits over the next few seconds, a nonstop shake to the bridge similar to the earthquakes they'd used to feel in California. She heard incoming reports of several levels being breached and venting atmosphere; level's 6-10 were all damaged and engineering had been crippled severely.

"Captain, the warbirds are beginning to target the shuttles. We just lost one of the shuttles!" a tech informed her, Kristen seeing on screen one of the shuttles exploding into mid air. Everything was just so loud by now that she definitely could not hear herself think.

"Captain what should we do, they're taking out the Maru crew!" Sulu exclaimed, another shuttle going in flames. Her head was racing and her heart was beating and the noise of the bridge was consuming. She didn't know what to do.

"I just...I...I don't know! I don't know!" she shouted finally, glancing helplessly at the two senior staff in front of her before looking down at her feet, taking her head in her hands with her palms pressed tightly over her ears to try and silence the bridge.

After what seemed like hours but what she knew to be minutes, tech shouted to her that the shuttles were aboard and locked in. She was just opening her mouth to Sulu to tell him to get them the hell out of there when the screen lit up in virtual flame, the bridge going silent as what she'd always known would happen happened. He'd sure as hell been right. That was a no win scenario if she'd ever seen one.

"Sorry, Cadet. But your ship has been destroyed" Kirk informed her after a few seconds of silence, coming over and putting a comfortable hand on her shoulder.

She kept staring at the screen, her mind still working at a million miles per hour as she tried to down shift out of the intensity of the situation, her nerves frayed and her heart still racing. She bent over in the chair, her head in her hands as she kept her eyes on the screen. Everyone remained silent for a few more seconds until Sulu broke it.

"You know, I've never seen anyone go the shuttle evacuation route before. Good job, Kristen" he said with such ease that she almost punched him in the head. She was sitting in the chair, the last five minutes draining more from her than almost anything else she'd ever done before, and there he was just sitting there without a care in the world.

"I think Jim tried that once during his three attempts. Didn't you?" McCoy asked, spinning around in his chair and propping his feet up on his console, giving Kirk a questionable look.

"Nah. Although it's a good idea. I was always more of a guns a blazin' kinda guy" he noted, keeping his hand on her shoulder as he stood beside her.

"How the hell could you do this three times" she muttered, shaking her head and rising from his chair, putting her hands on her head to ease her heart beat down to a more acceptable rate. She heard Kirk chuckle and she wheeled around, not surprised to find him sitting in the seat she'd just vacated, a knowing smile on his face. He looked so wise and informed sitting there that she wanted to punch him in the head too.

"Why don't you go grab something to eat cadet and then me and Spock will go over your results, alright? Just don't worry about it" he noted, the knowing smile still on his lips as she strode from the bridge, her heart slowly returning back to its normal pace.

She did as ordered and got lunch, gulping down a bottle of water and two bananas before spooning today's special of meatloaf around her plate. She didn't know how long she'd been down there for, but just when she finally managed to get herself all back together, Kirk and Spock came striding in, the Vulcan's clipboard hanging ominously in his hand by the side.

"So what's the verdict?" she asked as they approached, her eyes watching as Kirk and Spock exchanged a look that even she couldn't understand.

"Well, let's just say that—" Kirk started, giving her an unsure yet somehow comforting look.

"Since you failed to rescue the Kobayashi Maru crew it is prudent to say that you failed the examination, Cadet Shaw" Spock interrupted, cutting right to the chase in a directness Kristen knew he was known for.

"So what does that mean?" she said, her eyes flickering between Kirk and Spock as if she were watching a tennis match.

"Well, it means that—"

"It means that at the current moment you are...insufficiently equipped to be a Starfleet Captain" Spock interrupted again, his face stoic and almost stone like.

"Well I could have told you that. I've been on this ship what, three weeks? It took him three years to become Captain of this rock" she said, gesturing to the ship as she leant back in her seat, trying to stem the anger she felt for failing the test that was swelling in her stomach.

"The point of the test wasn't to see if you could Captain this ship Kristen, it was to see if one day you would be able to." Kirk explained, giving her a gentle look with his eyes that seemed to squash all the anger she was feeling in an instant.

"And?" she asked, looking between them again.

She watched them look at each other before Kirk nodded, leaning back in his chair before speaking.

"Just a summary, Spock" he said as the half Vulcan turned to his clipboard.

"You demonstrated a highly developed sense of forward thinking in the preliminary stages of the exam by recognizing the hostilities of the Klingon culture. Your arrangement to have the shuttles evacuate the Kobayashi Maru crew was ingenious but Doctor McCoy brought up a very good point when he mentioned that your own crew would no longer have a way to escape. You disregarded his input which shows your underlying superiority complex which is an undesirable trait amongst Captains, to say the least. It is said by many Starfleet Captain's that it takes an entire bridge to run a ship, so Captain's must be open to the opinions and ideas of all of his crew members. You maintained your emotional readiness for most of the exam but once the shields failed and the shuttles began being attacked, you failed to direct your bridge on how to respond. Was that a short enough outline for you, Captain?" Spock asked, turning to give Kirk one of his trademark emotionally absent looks.

"It dragged on a little bit in the middle, I found. But you brought it home in the end with a fine finish." James replied sarcastically, giving him an unsure look that Kristen chuckled at.

"Captain Kirk, you are requested on the bridge" the computer called to them from above, the three of them looking up to the speaker before Kirk rose, pushing his chair in.

"Commander Spock will be more than willing to answer any more questions you have about the test, okay Cadet?" James asked, giving her one final smile that sent the faintest of shivers down her spine before departing, leaving the two of them alone.

"Do you have any queries about the examination?" he asked diplomatically, turning to look at her.

She took a few seconds to get a good look at him, Spock being the only one of James' friends she hadn't spent much time with during her time aboard the Enterprise. He was decent enough looking, if exotic was your thing. He had a fair complexion, dark hazel eyes and diagonal eyebrows that pointed off in each direction to his equally pointy ears. But what really got her about him was his stare; he was able to look at her with such intensity that she had to look away out of fear that he was trying to blow up her head with his mind.

"How'd I do compared to others?" she asked eventually, scoffing a laugh to try and lighten the mood. She watched his face remain the same, her joke hitting him and bouncing off without even the slightest acknowledgement.

"Cadet Shaw, I am not at liberty to discuss the examination results of any other participants—" he began, Kristen waving her hand in the air to dismiss what he was saying.

"I don't mean like with points or anything. Just generally, compared to others who have taken the test, how did I do?"

"Cadet Shaw, in the five years that I have programmed this examination, I have never witnessed anyone take the test after three weeks of education. That being said, your performed at or slightly above the expectations I put on you" he said straight, cocking his head to the side slightly and nodding once to her.

An awkward silence set in among them for about a minute until she broke it, knowing the topic would be just as awkward the silence but needing something to pass the time none the less.

"So how are things with Lieutenant Uhura?" she said, breaking the silence.

"I do not wish to speak of my relationship with the Lieutenant at this time" he said in an elevated and quicker tone than usual, Kristen eliciting the first emotional response she'd seen from him.

"How are things between yourself and Captain Kirk?" he asked in response, her face dropping slightly at his question but regaining its humour when she thought up an answer.

"I do not wish to speak of my relationship with the Captain at this time" she said, repeating back to him the levelled answer he'd just given her. However, the smile slid a little off her face as she watched him tilt his head to the side, one of his eyebrows rose slightly as something she said piqued his interest.

"So you do have a relationship with Captain Kirk?" he pressed in however as aggressive Spock was, which to her was just as stoic as always.

"What? No, I was being ironic" she retorted, adverting her eyes from him for a second before looking back.

"Yet your body language says otherwise. Did you know that the movement of one's eyes away from another is almost the most revealing sign of a lie?" he inquired, his eyebrow raising more as she looked away and then back again.

"Do you know what irony is?" she asked harshly, glaring at him for how uncomfortable he was making him.

"I am very well scripted on the ways of irony Cadet, Captain Kirk has seen to that quite well over the past year. Yet despite the sarcasm, there was some underlying truth to your statement or else you would not have said it. Which leads me to believe that either there is a relationship between yourself and the Captain or you would like for one to be. Care to inform me to which it is?" he posed, Kristen almost doing a double take as she saw the corners of his lips turn upwards.

"I'm going to take a pass on that one, thanks" she bit at him, a little unimpressed with how forward he was despite the fact that this was their first conversation.

"He cares for you. More than I think I have ever seen him care for someone. Do not underestimate that, Cadet" he said, changing the mood of the conversation greatly as he rose to leave, gently tucking in his chair and nodding to her goodbye.

She sat there for a few seconds, thinking about what Spock had just said. _More than I think I have ever seen him care for someone_. She tried to kill the butterflies that were become all to prevalent in her stomach while keeping the grin she knew she was dying to keep off of her face. Eventually though, she gave up, sitting there in the mess hall by herself with the silliest grin on the face and the thought that maybe, just maybe, he felt the things she felt too.

**((Author's Note: Ta da, as promised: Kristen's first taking of the Kobayashi Maru. Note now it didn't go so well. In a Mary Sue, she would have aced it on her first try. But not Kristen. I'm hoping the fact that she doesn't do very well makes her more human to you guys and less "mary sue". I'm trying to make Kristen as real as possible so hopefully, some of you can relate to her. Anyways, someone brought up that I haven't been focussing much on Spock so thank you for that! I'm intimidated to write as Spock because he's so...articulate and precise with his words that I don't want to write him because I don't think I'll get it right. So let me know what you think of my Spock, okay? Secondly, in terms of the ship wide ball debate, I'm probably going to go with a ship wide bar night. Seems more casual and less cheesy. Just a fun ol' night where the mess hall gets turned into a watering hole, what do you all think? Anyways, I'm beat and I have another chapter for another story to write so, I'm going to go. Oh, and just for the record...YOU READERS ROCK! Please keep reading and reviewing and if you have the time, rocking! Peace))**


	16. Chapter 16

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Sixteen: Red Raw Silk

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

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"What do you mean, bar night?"

"I mean they turn the mess hall into a bar and we go to it at night"

"Why?"

"Because it's fun. We don't really have a lot of exciting activities around here so Kirk mandated a while back monthly bar nights. Probably his greatest idea"

"I've never been to a bar before"

She watched from her bed, a pillow underneath her chin to proper her head up as she lay on her stomach, eyes watching as Uhura fished her way through Kristen's civilian clothing. She'd woken up this morning with a message left for her by Kirk informing her of the ship wide bar night happening that night in the mess hall. She had no idea what the hell that meant so during lunch, she asked Nyota what was going on and what it meant. She proceeded to watch the stunning African laugh uncontrollably before telling Kristen she'd be over to her quarters around seven that night to help her get ready, chuckling all the way back to the bridge. Kristen just sat there, unable to figure out what was so funny until Nyota explained it all to her now.

"What? Are you kidding me? I thought you were just joking at lunch. God, You're like the worst felon ever. You've never been on a date and now you're never been to a bar. What did you do with your time when you were back on Earth?" Nyota exclaimed, pulling out a loose linen green plaid shirt before tossing it aside, a distasteful look on her face.

"Well, I spent a good amount of time stealing cars and sleeping. The rest of time was spent eating, getting arrested, and going to prison" Kristen informed her, sitting in her Starfleet uniform as she waited for the Communications Officer to pick out a decent outfit for her to wear.

"Besides that? You're telling me that you never went to a bar?" Nyota asked her, giving her a disbelieving look while tossing aside a plain white button down.

"Nyota, I've been in and out of prison for the past few years. If I wasn't stealing cars or in jail, chances are I was working some dead end job to keep my parole officer happy. Didn't exactly leave me much time to go to bars" she explained, crossing her ankles as she held her feet up in the air above her,

"You're so pathetic it's almost funny. Oh, this might work" Nyota said, dismissing their conversation about how apparently pathetic she was as she pulled a fire engine red halter top out of Kristen's closet, nodding appreciatively.

"Kristen, you little hussy, have you been holding back on us? This is hot" she said appreciatively, looking over the halter once before tossing it to her along with a pair of slim dark blue jeans. She rolled off her bed and snatched the clothes, shifting over to her washroom quickly as Nyota shooed her with her hands.

"Go, get changed. I'll be back in twenty minutes" Nyota ordered, turning and leaving with the only goodbye the swing of her pony tail. She chuckled, looking at the clothes in her hand as she began to disrobe, throwing her cadet dress onto her bed and flinging her boots off. Her heart sank when she realized what red shirt Nyota had picked out for her, her stomach immediately beginning to churn.

She hadn't worn the shirt for the past seven years for good reason. It was the shirt she'd been wearing the night she was beaten by her foster parents for the very last time. She remembered this time above all the others; it was the night she finally decided that she had to go her own way.

--------------------

_She usually had time to prepare herself before the drunken rages that came with late night booze runs but for some reason, she hadn't seen this one coming. She was standing in her bedroom, lip gloss wand in her hand as she traced it over her lips when her door swung open, a loud bang reverberating through the room as it hit the wall and started swinging back, the stench of whiskey and cigar smoke poisoning the air._

_The second she saw him and the look on his face she dove for her backpack across the room, knowing it was time to split. She knew that look anywhere; it was the drunk, aggressive look that always came before a beating. She'd skipped school today and had gotten yelled at when she'd come home earlier but she knew by the look on his face that her punishment was far from over. She was halfway to her bag when she felt huge meaty paws grab her from behind, his hands clasping her waist like lobster pincers as he threw her roughly against the wall, Kristen colliding with the dry wall harshly as her head bounced back to her off of it with a sickening crack. She was dazed, her eyes going dark from the collision and she stumbled away from the wall, hoping to hit her bag eventually. She could feel the material underneath her fingertips when the same hands grabbed her again, except this time they threw her on to the bed._

_She felt her heart begin to race as she saw him move over to her, trying to get off the bed but always being pushed back by one of his hands. Her brain began to short circuit as he put a knee on the bottom of her bed, her body trying every which way to get away but every time finding insurmountable resistance._

"_NO!" she screamed, trying to scramble off the bed and away from him but instead finding a fist coming flying at her stomach that sent her rocketing backward. The next thing she knew he was ambling on top of her, the stench of cigar and whiskey so strong it was stinging her eyes. She continued to fight, receiving punches every time she tried to get away instead of pushes this time. She continued to struggle, tears streaming down her face as his huge, hulking form above her bore down on her. She could see his breath on her neck and his hands on her body, groping her skin as his hands made their way to her belt. Finally, she raised her knee hard and hit him straight between the legs, shifting her body to the side to throw him off of her as she grabbed her bag and ran out, vowing never to let herself ever feel that helpless again_

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This was the shirt she was wearing her very first night on the street. It was a painful reminder of everything that had gone wrong in her life, so she threw the shirt aside and pulled on the jeans, walking out into her room with nothing but a bra on as she sorted through the rest of her clothing. She'd just settled on a pretty pink cotton tank with the white button down over top when someone hailed her at the door, Kristen shouting for the computer to let them in as she fiddled with an earring.

"Oh my god!" she exclaimed as soon as the person came into sight, Nyota walking in looking every bit as beautiful as she actually was. Her long dark hair was down, like an ebony sheet around her shoulders, but the dress she was wearing was absolutely drop dead gorgeous. The colour, the heels she was wearing, and the confidence Uhura wore it with made her feel considerably under dressed standing there in jeans a tank.

"I know right?" Nyota giggled, twirling on one of her sky high heels before chucking a pair of black shoes at her, Kristen almost stabbing herself with one of the heels.

"Put those on. Wait, what's wrong with the shirt I picked out?" she demanded, snatching the red halter off of Kristen's bed and pointing to her torso.

"I don't feel comfortable wearing it, it's too revealing" she said, shaking her head once before moving back into her washroom, hearing the clacks of Nyota's heels across the floor as Uhura joined her in the washroom.

"Kristen. You are not a pink cotton tank top! You're red raw silk, but since you don't have anything like that red polyester is going to have to do!" Nyota exclaimed, her eyes pleading as she threw the halter at Kristen.

"What, and you're midnight blue satin?" Kristen retorted, giving the stunning woman another look as she shook her head, tossing the shirt back at her.

"That's exactly what I am. What's going on here Kristen, really?" she said softening, sitting down on the toilet as Kristen toiled with her waves with a curling iron, trying to define them some more.

"I just...that shirt has some bad memories attached to it" she said vaguely, giving Nyota an expectant look that told her not to push it. She finished flouncing up her curls with a spritz of hairspray and then moved on to her makeup, gently running a brush along her skin to smooth out her face.

"So? Don't you think it's time you reclaimed it? You're never going to be able to move on Kristen until you let go of your past" Nyota said wisely, cocking her head to the side and giving a knowing look as she pressed the halter to Kristen. Kristen's hand halted as the brush rested on her nose, looking down at the shirt. Nyota was right; she'd come really far in the past month and a half and she wasn't that girl anymore. It was time she let it all go.

"Put on the shirt, put on some makeup, and let's go get enough alcohol into Kirk so we can see what he actually thinks of you, alright?" Nyota said as soon as she read it in Kristen's face that she'd wear the shirt, patting her once on the shoulder before heading out, shutting the bathroom door behind him.

"What did you say?" Kristen asked for clarification as she pulled off the tank top, vesting the red halter instead that, once she put it on, brought out green in her eyes quite nicely.

"You heard me. I bet Sulu twenty bucks that Kirk is all over you in less than an hour" Nyota exclaimed from right outside the washroom door, a sudden grin coming to her face as soon as Kristen pulled it open.

"That's more like it! Now put on those shoes, we're going to be late" she said, giving a final grin before handing her the shoes.

Kristen had never worn anything like them before. They were at least three inch stiletto heels in jet black patent leather. They were the kind of shoes that you just knew were going to kill your feet after fifteen minutes, but the look on Nyota's face told her that she had no choice in the matter; she was going to wear the shoes and she was going to like it.

Once she got them on, she clacked back into her washroom and finished putting on her makeup, curling her lashes and outlining them with mascara before gently highlighting her eyes with some shadow and liner, topping it all off with a swab of lip gloss.

"I'm ready, I'm ready" she said, hushing a complaining Nyota who was telling her to hurry up. She took a final look in the mirror and was really surprised at who was looking back; it was probably the prettiest Kristen had looked in quite a while. But she knew that regardless of how she looked, Nyota was going to steal the limelight tonight; the woman looked incredible.

"You do know that me trying to look pretty while you're in that dress is futile, right Ny?" she asked as they clacked from their room, the thud of heavy bass gently reverberating through the hallways.

"Anyone trying to look pretty while I'm in this dress is futile. But don't worry, we're going to be the two best looking women in that hall tonight" Nyota declared confidently as they strode towards the lift, Kristen snorting in laughter.

"Not if all the other girls are dressed like you, we won't" she scoffed, shaking her head as the lift took them down to the mess hall's floor, the bass becoming more evident.

"Please, you're rocking the rocker chick reserved thing right now, which totally works for you. Don't worry, we have nothing to worry about" Nyota said reassuringly, Kristen thinking more for herself than anything. So instead of retaliating with anything else, Kristen just chuckled and followed Nyota out of the hall, the full volume of music hitting her ears now as they walked towards the mess hall, Kristen stopping as soon as they rounded the corner and she saw what they'd converted it into.

It was a completely different space. The tables and chairs were gone and where the server used to be was now a full bar set up complete with a liquor shelves behind the bartender and a twenty foot bar. The lights had been shut off, mostly, and the room seemed to be lit mostly by what looked to be hovering chandeliers of candles. Music was being pumped through large speakers that echoed loudly in the room, Kristen already seeing what looked liked close to forty people dancing on the dance floor. She was just about to take a step in when she felt a body come up beside her, her eyes looking towards who it was and a smile instantly appearing.

"Hey! Look at all this, this looks amazing. Is this what all bars look like?" she asked, pointing to the hovering chandeliers. She looked back at him and almost gasped, completely blown away by how different yet miraculously handsome he looked in civilian clothes. He was dressed down but at the same time dressed up, choosing black dress slacks and a forest green dress shirt that was tucked in but unbuttoned at the top and his sleeves rolled up. He looked devilishly charming which, if she knew him right, was exactly what he was going for.

She watched a small smile creep onto his lips and he chuckled a few times, the humour in his face dropping significantly as she just continued to look at him expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"Wait, you're serious?" he asked, Kristen nodding once. She watched another smile creep onto his face and his lips part to begin an explanation when she heard Uhura calling her, both of their eyes being directed back into the mess hall where Uhura was standing by the bar, several shot glasses with liquids waiting for them.

"It's time for us to officially make you a member of the Enterprise crew" Nyota said over the music, gathering up Spock, Chekov, Sulu, Monty and McCoy as well as Kristen and Kirk to around the glasses. She handed them out to each of them, Kristen taking a sniff of her's and making a face.

"And how do you do that?" she asked uneasily, sending a cautious look over her shoulder to James who was just arrogantly smirking at her, an unidentified emotion in his eyes.

"Oh, that's easy! We get you piss drunk tonight then make you work through the hangover tomorrow!" Monty cheered, the rest of them laughing but cheering as well. Except for Spock. He just kind of stood there with the small glass in his hand, surveying them with mild amusement.

"So here's to Kristen Shaw, newest member of the USS Enterprise crew, and latest failure at the Kobayashi Maru test!" Nyota exclaimed, everyone raising their glasses in toast to the middle before throwing the liquid down their throats, similar looks of distaste on all of them almost right after.

"You just had to bring up the failed test, didn't you" Kristen chuckled, placing her glass on the bar top and shaking her head, recognizing the way the alcoholic liquid seemed to instantly warm her blood.

"Kristen, everyone fails the Kobayashi Maru. Everyone" Sulu explained, the Asian man looking dashing tonight in black slacks and a crisp white shirt

"Except me" Kirk pointed out, raising his newly obtained glass of beer to himself before taking a sip, Kristen laughing appreciatively"

"No, you cheated" McCoy pointed out, giving James one of his rare smiles as he himself nursed a large tumbler full of ice and a amber liquid. She laughed again and watched as James responded to this, her eyes following his hand as he disregarded that statement.

"Now we're just getting into semantics. Fact of the matter is I'm the only person to ever beat that test" he commented, Kristen taking a sip from the pink cocktail Uhura had just handed to her before chuckling to herself.

"You still cheated" she commented, with drawing a wicked smile from the Captain as she glanced over her shoulder at him.

The conversation between the group of them went on for a little while longer until the bulk of them went off onto the dance floor, Kristen staying by the bar as she hopped on one of the stools.

"Not a big dancer?" James asked, hopping onto the stool beside her as he signalled the bartender to pour them two more shots.

"Nah, not really my thing" she said as she finished her cocktail, pushing the glass to the side as she took up one of the small glasses in front of her and gently knocked it against Kirk's, throwing the liquid back.

"God that's vile. What is that?" she said as she made a bitter face, giving her head a shake to try and rid herself of the taste.

"Best tequila money can buy. What's wrong, not a big drinker?" he asked as he leant on the bar and rested his elbows, looking at her over his shoulder. She looked over and met his gaze, the lighting and the mood doing nothing to stem the reproduction of butterflies in her stomach that seemed to flare up every time he looked at her. He was absolutely smouldering; it was actually starting to be an issue just how attractive she was beginning to find him.

"No, not really. Not a big fan of whiskey. They always drank whiskey" she said aloud, the last part mainly for herself. She looked down at her shirt and shook her head, trying to rid herself of thoughts about the past. This wasn't a night to dwell about how bad of an upbringing she had. It was a night to celebrate how bright of a future she had ahead of her.

"Who's they?" he asked in clarification, drawing her attention back to him as she faked a smile, his grin taking her mind off of her past almost completely.

"No one. Why aren't you dancing?" she asked, gesturing back over to the dance floor as she turned her head to look, both of them laughing as they saw Uhura trying to teach Spock how to dance, her hands on his hips, swaying them back and forth with the music.

"Uhura looks amazing tonight, doesn't she?" she commented, giving the beauty an appreciative look before turning back to Kirk, a smile growing on her lips as she watched him watch her amusedly.

"She does, but that's not really my style" he said, keeping his eyes locked on her as he took a sip from his beer, her heart skipping a beat.

"What, gorgeous isn't your style? She's the prettiest girl in the room right now" she joked, giving him an appraising look that he just laughed at.

"Maybe, but I'm more of a shirt and jeans kinda guy. Dresses are fantastic and yeah, Uhura looks amazing but it's just not my thing. Jeans and heels are kind of my Achilles heel" he commented, leaning forward to tell her that last bit as if it were a secret.

She smiled at him, a wicked grin coming to his face as she leant back, signalling to the bartender to make her another cocktail. He was far too hot and the conversation was getting far to flirtatious that she needed some more alcohol.

"I'll keep that in mind" she said back eventually, withdrawing his prize winning smile as she took a long sip from her drink, looking straight in front of her to avoid his eyes. The butterflies were raging wars in her stomach and the alcohol was warming her blood and easing her nerves. She had feelings for James that she had no control over, and as much as she hated the fact that she couldn't control them, she was revelling in the way they made her feel.

"So why aren't you on the dance floor, hm? I'm sure there are plenty of slightly intoxicated Ensigns that are scantily clad just waiting for you to look their way" she teased, finally bringing up courage to look at him as she raised an eyebrow expectantly.

She watched him chuckle once, leaning back in his bar chair and extending his arm as he draped across the back of her's. She suddenly became all too aware that his skin was touching her back ever so faintly, the hairs on his arm tickling her bare back mischievously as she tried to push the feelings out of her mind.

"I'm not interested in anything on that dance floor" he said to her as he turned to face her, his face humorous but serious at the same time. She turned, her face painted with surprise and intrigue as she slowly faced him. Her eyes searched through his for some explanation of meaning or purpose and she opened her mouth several times to begin to speak but drawing an absolute blank. What did he mean by that?

He seemed to be satisfied with her reaction though, because a few seconds later he broke her stare and chuckled to himself, sliding himself out of the bar chair and picking up his glass. He was just turning to leave when he leant into her, his lips mere centimetres from her ear.

"I meant to say this before but...you look stunning, Kristen. Nyota doesn't have anything on you" he whispered to her before gently brushing his lips against her cheek, leaving her side and joining the others by the dance floor before she finally took a deep breath, allowing her brain to process what the hell just happened.

**((Author's Note: Sup bar night! =] I'm debating whether or not I want to continue the night, adding more drama or just ending it here. Lemme know what you think. I posted some links to Uhura's dress and Kristen's shirt so if you wanna check em out, give them a look. NEWAYZ, here's the new chapter. This was one of the easiest chapters to write in a while, and I don't know why. I just kind of felt in my element. I'd like some opinions though on my Uhura; is she good? I've gotten good reviews on my Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, and Spock but not my Uhura, which hopefully means good things? =] Anyways, the next chapter is really up in the air right now but it'll get written and posted by 5 AM EST tomorrow morning. As usual. So give me a review, leaving your thoughts on the chapter and yeah =] See y'all tomorrow))**


	17. Chapter 17

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Seventeen: Never Have I Ever

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

"Never have I ever...dated another crew member"

The rest of them cheered as Nyota and Spock threw back a shot, Kristen clapping her hands and hollering as they chased the shot with a kiss, the group of them all cat calling appropriately.

James, Monty, McCoy, Sulu, Spock, Chekov and Uhura were all gathered around the bar, a bottle of tequila and a set of glasses on the counter top ready whenever needed. They'd started playing this game a few minutes ago, Kristen seeing completely through Nyota's motive for bringing up 'Never Have I Ever'. It served dual purpose; a) she was drinking more than she would have on her own and b) she was learning some interesting things about James and he about her. So far she'd learned that he'd had sex in the lift, lied about being a Captain, and had sexual fantasies about someone on board. He'd learned that she'd kissed a girl once in college, had gone to more prisons then schools, and learned to drive a car when she was 14.

"So we're playing that game, are we now. Alright then. Never have I ever stolen a car" Nyota declared after finishing her kiss with Spock, Kristen chuckling as she was handed a shot. She was about to throw it back when she saw Uhura hand one to James, a conniving yet friendly look on the communications officer's face.

"What?" she asked confusedly as she looked between Nyota and James, a slightly embarrassed look on his face as he accepted the glass.

"I stole my grandfather's vintage Mustang when I was a kid. Took for a spin around the shipyards" he explained, throwing the shot back and making a sour face, taking a sharp breath after. She threw her's back as well and made a similar face, puckering her lips.

"Okay, my turn. Never have I ever failed the Kobayashi Maru after three weeks of training" James said aloud, the group of them all laugh appreciatively as Kristen cringed. Her vision was beginning to become slightly sluggish but she was still in check of her wits as she took the shot from him and threw it back.

"Never have I ever failed the Kobayashi Maru three times" she responded with, the liquid barely down her throat as she spoke and passed him a shot. The rest of the group cheered loudly while he chuckled at her lowly, giving her a smouldering look with his eyes as he tossed it back, slamming the glass down on the counter as soon as he was finished.

Before she could speak he clapped his hands together and then rested one on her shoulder, surveying the group.

"I think it's time for some dancing" he declared, the rest of them moving collectively back to the dance floor as Kristen stayed put, grabbing a bottle of water from behind the bar as she watched them all begin to move to the music. She'd just finished gulping down half the bottle when she noticed Kirk wasn't there with the rest of them.

"Come on Shaw, you're coming with me" he said suddenly, grabbing her hands and pulling her off her stool, lacing his fingers with her's as he dragged her to the dance floor. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was just the way she felt but she became far too aware of how perfect his hand felt with her's. He looked back over his shoulder as he lead her to the floor and winked, a blush coming to her cheeks as her internal temperature rose at least a degree.

"James, I don't dance!" she exclaimed trying to resist by putting on the brakes every so often in protest. But before she knew it he was twirling her around to the music, Kristen not at all surprised to see that he was a formidable dancer. The music was some upbeat music she vaguely recognized from Earth but she couldn't place the artist, instead letting James twirl her around while she laughed. She watched his face as she twirled in her spot again, her heart skipping a few beats as she felt his other hand on her hip steadying her, letting go as soon as she stopped rotating. Eventually though, they just stopped moving and stood still on the dance floor, the music pounding around them and bodies swaying to it. She stood close to him, one hand still intertwined with her's while his other was on her hip. She just looked up, taking in the way he looked in that very moment and let the alcohol talk her into thinking that it was okay to feel the way she did about him. He was caring, kind, compassionate, funny, intelligent and hot as hell. She was everything she'd ever wanted; everything any woman ever wanted. So why did it feel this hard?

"Anything on the dance floor you're interested in yet?" she shouted to him, raising an eyebrow to him as she watched him lock eyes on her, his lips curved up in the sexiest crooked smile she'd ever seen. Just by looking at him she felt a shiver go down her back; a shiver she knew he felt as the smile seemed to get ever so broader right after. It was almost inhumane the way her body responded to him without her even knowing.

"There's a prospect" he replied, not taking his eyes off of her. She turned her head to the side ever so slightly and just smiled, looking up right into his clear blue eyes and tried to take an emotional photograph of how she felt right then and there. She wanted to file this feeling away and bring it out for future reference. She felt wanted, beautiful, desirable, confident, sexy, smart, beautiful...it was remarkable the way he made her feel with just a few simple words and a look. If twenty years from now she was miserable and alone, she wanted to remember exactly how he made her feel in that very moment. It was nothing short of perfect.

Suddenly she felt a pair of hands on her hips and she looked over her shoulder, laughing even more when she saw Uhura moving her similarly to how she moved Spock earlier. The group of them laughed, Kristen moving her hips awkwardly to the music until the song ended, managing to sneak away from James and back onto her stool. She needed to calm down and get her heart rate back down to a manageable level, and she knew she'd only be able to do that if James wasn't around.

She grabbed her water bottle from behind the bar and gulped it down, her throat welcoming the cooling liquid more than alcohol. She was just about to grab another when she felt someone sidle up beside her, quickly turning to look at who it was.

"So are you going to tell me what that was all about?" Uhura asked, swatting the new bottle of water out of her hands and replacing it with a shot, both of them downing one quickly.

"What what was all about?" Kristen asked in clarification, sucking on a lime to try and stem the taste of the liquid.

"You and Kirk. You two pretty much just had eye sex on the dance floor" Uhura said as she popped a maraschino cherry into her mouth, handing one of the sugary sweet cocktail additions to Kristen who was too busy trying to figure out what Nyota had just said.

"I have no idea what that means but no, we didn't" she retaliated, biting into the cherry and relishing the sweetness of it, grabbing another for herself.

"Please. I haven't seen him look at anything the way he just looked at you. It looked like he was trying to tear your clothes off with his mind" Nyota said with the frank honesty that made her such a valuable friend, giving Kristen an expectant look matched with a knowing smile.

"Do you think that's all he wants?" Kristen hypothesized, earning a curious look from Nyota. She watched as the communications officer turned slowly to face Kristen, curiosity etched all over her face.

"Would it be okay if that's all he wanted?" Nyota asked, changing her tone from blunt to delicate, knowing she was treading in dangerous waters with that comment.

"No. I don't think it would. Sex is supposed to be with someone important, someone who will make it meaningful and not just about needing it. It's supposed to be about needing the person, not the act" she said with conviction, saying aloud what she'd always thought in her head. She was still a virgin and although she wasn't hell bent on always staying that way, she wanted to make sure her first time was with someone she needed. Someone she loved.

"Wow. You're making me totally regret my first time" Nyota said, giving Kristen an empathetic look before smiling, the pair of them sharing an appreciative chuckle.

"Look. The James T. Kirk I know would only be chasing you for sex. But the Kirk you know and the Kirk I know are very different men" she said wisely, bringing up two new shot glasses from behind the bar and filling them with tequila.

"So what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to know?" she asked, accepting the shot glass that Nyota was holding out for you.

"Well, right now you're suppose to down that shot and then do whatever he's coming to ask you to do" Uhura said quickly, tossing back her own shot before turning briskly, Kristen considerably surprised that she managed to move that quickly and gracefully despite the amount of alcohol she knew Uhura had in her.

True to her word, she saw James walk past Nyota's retreating form, Kristen tossing back the shot and making a face as he approached her.

"That girl is going to be the death of me, I swear" she said bitterly, sucking on another lime to get rid of the terrible taste of the alcohol.

"Funny, Spock said the same thing to me last week" he humoured, putting a hand on the back of her chair as he leant against the bar, giving her a look.

"I want to show you something" he said after a few seconds, moving out of the way and holding out a hand. She looked over her shoulder, her vision more sluggish than she remembered it, before looking back at the bar in front of her, reaching over and getting a new bottle of water before sliding off of her seat. She took a deep breath and then put on a smile, placing one of her hands delicately into his outstretched one before following him out, Nyota beaming at her as they left.

"So is this the part of the bar night where you take me to some secluded spot and murder me?" she joked as they walked hand in hand to the lift, her heels clacking loudly against the floor as the music began getting quieter and quieter. She heard him chuckle and she smiled, taking in his profile and giving a smile herself. His smile was absolutely fantastic.

"Not exactly, no. But if you want I can go back in and get someone" he teased, finally releasing her hand to hail the lift. She laughed, taking a sip from her bottle before shaking her head, brushing some of the curls out of her face.

"I'm good, but thanks. I like this ship too much" she noted, giving the hallway an appreciative look as the lift came, both of them stepping on.

"Just the ship?" he asked, pressing a button that she couldn't discern from where she was standing.

"Amongst other things" she said, her mouth moving and processing the words before her brain could understand just exactly what she was saying. She never would have said that on any other occasion, but they didn't call alcohol liquid courage for nothing. As forward as she knew the comment was, she didn't feel embarrassed by it. It was true; as much as she liked this ship, she liked him at least twice as much. So instead, she looked up at him and gave a faint smile, watching as his body processed her words. His eyes narrowed ever so slightly and his lips parted a few centimetres, Kristen unsure this because he was stunned by her comment or if he was preparing himself to say something.

He was cut off by the ding of the lift signaling the arrival of the lift, Kirk immediately taking a step in front of her to block her view.

"Close your eyes, I want this to be a surprise" he said, giving her a wicked look with his eyes.

"What? James, where are we?" she asked, trying to look around him but finding that he stepped in front of her whichever way she looked.

"I need you to trust me on this" he said lowly, giving her a pointed yet gentle look with his eyes as his face set itself sternly. She just looked at him for a few seconds, weighing her options before she closed her eyes, hearing him give a quiet chuckle as soon as she did so.

She heard him walk behind her and place a hand gently above her eyes, the other grabbing one of her hands as he lead her out of the lift and into a room, setting her down in a chair.

"Computer, lights" he ordered, Kristen's internal sensors immediately going off. Had he brought her back to his room or something?

"James? Where are..." she started, her voice tapering off as soon as she felt his hand retract and her eyes open. She'd been struck completely dumb by what she was looking at and couldn't even formulate the thought process needed to finish her sentence.

She was sitting in the Captain's chair in the bridge, the lights off and the view screen open to a plain night sky. On the screen in front of her, billions of twinkling white lights were featured like white paint splatters across a black canvas. There were just so many stars and they seemed to glow so brightly that seemed like diamonds. The up close, unadulterated view of space was simultaneously the most beautiful and breathtaking thing she'd ever seen.

"I...wow" she started after a few minutes of silence, still unable to speak.

"I come up here sometimes to think. If you look at that screen for long enough, things start to make some sense" he said, drawing her attention off the screen for the first time in five minutes.

"It's beautiful" she whispered, looking back at the screen, trying to memorize it's beautiful.

"I know" he replied, Kristen having a good hunch that he was looking at her and when she turned to look at him she was proven correct.

"Dance with me?" he asked a few seconds later, stepping off the chair's platform and walked around the centre console to directly in front of the view screen, waiting for her with a hand out.

"But we don't have any music" she pointed out, but rising from the chair anyways. She rounded the console and met him there, placing one hand in his and the other on his shoulder, his hand finding its way to her lower back.

"So? Who says we need music to dance?" he whispered into her ear as they slowly started to sway, another involuntary shiver going down her spine.

"I bet you do this with all the girls" she muttered after a few seconds, unable to keep the thought that'd been nagging at the back of her head since he'd brought her here silent.

"Nah. I wouldn't waste this view on just anyone" he said, Kristen looking up to find him smiling faintly back at her.

"So how many people have you done this for?" she asked, trying to figure out why the hell she kept asking questions that could potentially ruin the specialness of the moment. She didn't care who else had seen it, she just wanted to be here now with him.

"Besides yourself? No one" he said.

Of course, she never thought the answer would add to the sanctity.

"So when you closed your eyes before. Does that mean you trust me?" he said to her quietly after a few seconds, their bodies continuing to way to the silent music.

"It means I'm willing to try" she replied, equally as quietly, bringing her eyes to lock onto his. She was willing to try trusting him again but as she stood there with him, moving slowly in circles, she could tell by the look in his eyes that he'd never do anything again to hurt her or jeopardize that trust.

"I'll take what I can get" he replied back with quiet sarcasm, both of them chuckling appreciatively.

"So does this mean you're finally going to let me in?" he asked eventually after another few seconds of silence.

"Let you in?" she asked, confused.

"Yeah. In there. And in there" he said, his eyes going from her head to her chest, around the vicinity of where her heart was. She felt her heart skip a beat and she flushed, looking away. He was asking to finally be let into her life, and she didn't know if she was ready for that just yet.

"There's a lot of things about me that I don't think you want to know" she said honestly, giving him a cautious look with her eyes. Suddenly, she became all too aware that they'd stopped moving and were now just standing there her hand on his shoulder, his hand on her lower back, the other hands just dropped at their sides.

"Let me be the judge of that Kristen. But I'll never know unless you tell me" he prodded, Kristen noticing the faintest traces of a smile on his lips.

"What do you want to know?" she asked carefully, looking down at her feet and then back up at him.

"Well for starters, how about whether or not you'd mind if I kissed you right about now"

It was as if the room had gone completely silent, which it had since neither of them were talking. She just stood there, completely dumbstruck, just like when she'd first seen the stars on the view screen just minutes ago. Her heart was racing now, her temperature rising steadily as she looked at him, trying to figure out his intentions. After a few seconds of letting her left brain logically try and figure out what he wanted, she let her right side take over and put a small smile on her face, doing what she wanted to and what felt right. Would she mind if he kissed her? No, she really wouldn't.

The build up seemed to take hours but slowly, he leant down to her level and she tilted her face up, her eyes on his as he slowly approached her. Her heart was racing so fast that she was sure he could feel it, getting more beats per minute as he slowly brought his free hand up to her face, gently cupping her cheek with his palm. She felt his thumb run its way over her lips, her sense far to heightened considering the amount of alcohol she'd drank tonight. His touch on her lips seemed almost electric, and just when she thought it wouldn't get any better, she finally shut her eyes and slowly closed the gap between them.

He brushed his lips against her's briefly, Kristen undeniably shocked by the gentleness with which he kissed with. She'd been anticipating more passion, more aggression. Instead she got gentle, sweet, and romantic; exactly, in retrospect, what she wanted her first kiss to be like. The feel of his lips on her's was even better than she thought it be, her lips immediately wanting him back after he pulled away a few seconds later. It was short lived, but conveyed more than any conversation they'd ever had did.

"Wow" she breathed a few seconds later, his face pulled back only so far that their noses practically touched. She was searching his eyes for some tell to inform her on how he felt about it, but there was no need. A crooked smile came to his lips and his eyes seemed almost ablaze with fire. But if that weren't enough reassurance that he'd felt it too, his next words definitely were.

"Yeah...wow"

**((Author's Note: I'm not going to say much. Just tell me if I wrote that last scene well enough to do it justice. The point was to bring up all those memories you (hopefully) have of that one special kiss that seemed to make everything else disappear. Hopefully it did that for you. Please keep reading and reviewing and see you all tomorrow))**


	18. Chapter 18

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Eighteen: Better Safe Than Sorry

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

She awoke the next morning with a dull headache, her mouth and throat so dry they felt like sandpaper when she finally came too. She was rolling over to try and go back to sleep when her eyes found the clock above her bed, Kristen yelping and throwing the covers off of her when she realized she had to be on the bridge an hour ago. She got up far too quickly and then sat back down, trying to still her dizzy head as she thought about what'd happened last night. Her memory was still very much intact and she immediately thought of the kiss, a grin immediately coming to her lips. Just thinking about it made her smile and feel all romantic on the inside. When her head levelled itself she rose slower, mobilizing into action for fear that her lateness was going to be an issue.

She threw her hair into a messy bun, the curls from last deflated and limp, and quickly brushed her teeth, wanting to get the lingering taste of tequila out of her mouth. She threw back two pain relievers and chugged three glasses of water before pulling on her uniform, having to steady herself every so often because the room was spinning ever so slightly. She was just zipping up a boot while hopping on one foot out of her door when she looked up and saw him, her hands finishing their task as she set both feet down, a grin on her face.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry! I'm ready now, though" she pleaded, the grin slowly sliding off her face as she recognized the smile on his lips and the two cups of coffee in his hand.

"What's all this?" she asked confusedly, taking the mug that he'd outstretched to her and smiling back, trying to figure out what this was all about.

"This is me bringing you coffee and asking how you're doing" he said, giving her a chuckle as they fell into step beside each other, both walking towards the lift.

"Well besides the fact that I've got a wicked head ache and it feels as if I'm so dehydrated I'm about to die, I'm pretty good" she joked, taking another long sip of coffee and letting the caffeine rejuvenate her. He chuckled, nodding appreciatively as he too took a drink.

"Welcome aboard the Enterprise, then" he teased back, knocking his mug against her's in an act of good faith. He hailed the lift and they waited, Kristen recognizing the obvious symmetry from last night's events to now. She didn't know what the protocols were like for first kisses with a Captain; did she bring it up? Did she instigate another kiss? This was vastly new territory for her so she just let it be; a kiss is not a contract, a wise friend once told her. She left the ball in his court.

"So what's on the agenda for today?" she asked after a few seconds of silence, turning to look at him pleasantly as she tried to shake the images and feelings of last night out of her head.

"We just got a mission from the Federation actually. We're supposed to go check out some new humanoid species called the Kobali in the Delta Quadrant. Apparently they have some really advanced medical method where they can revive the dead. I don't really know, I just forwarded the mission specs along to the Science department and told Sulu to plot a course" he explained as the lift came and then got on, Kristen hitting the bridge button with her thumb.

"The Kobali are a humanoid species. They have the ability to...reanimate the dead by salvaging dead sentient life forms and altering their DNA over several months by the use of a pathogen until the DNA is almost completely Kobali. It's their way of procreating" she noted, remembering the Kobali species from something she'd read while back on Earth about the Federation and its current endeavours.

"Procreating, eh? Look at that. If you ask me, they're missing out on the best part" he said, giving her a sarcastic look with his face before chuckling, Kristen adverting her eyes and blushing uncontrollably.

"It's right on the edge of Delta so it shouldn't take us too long to get there. Sulu says we should be there within the hour" he continued as they reached the bridge, both of them stepping off and into the command centre.

"What will we do once we arrive?" she asked, watching him go into Captain mode as his body language changed.

"Me and a science team are going to beam down and see what we can do. The Kobali say they are willing to share their medical advancements with the Federation so we're going to see what we can get" he explained, taking the Captain's chair while she sat in Sulu's abandoned chair, the helmsmen else where.

"Am I going too?" she asked, peering at him expectantly over the rim of her mug as she took a sip, watching as a mischievous smile came to his lips as he looked down, tracing a finger along the rim of his mug.

"Actually no. You're going to be staying here and working with Scotty for the next few days. I've asked him to start training you with the transporter machines, I hope that's okay" he said, giving her a expectant yet wicked look with his eyes.

She felt her heart flutter, an unstoppable smile coming to her lips as she grinned, biting down on her lip to try and keep the smile small. She remembered telling him about how fascinated she was with the transporter technology a while back and it was remarkable to her that he remembered. She looked down at her feet and then up, giving a single nod before releasing her lip from the confines of her teeth.

"That'd be great, yeah. When are you leaving?" she asked curiously, finishing her coffee and then turning back to him, her legs crossed one over the other. She watched his eyes flicker from her eyes to her legs and then back again, grinning unabashedly.

"Once we reach the Delta and get in orbit above their planet we'll beam down and start our...expedition" he said with flare, both of them smiling then chuckling.

"You're not going to get kidnapped and tortured by Klingons again, are you?" she asked sarcastically, rising from the chair as she saw Sulu come in, a bottle of water in his hands showing her that he was feeling much like she did.

"No, I'm going to try and avoid that. Sulu! How you feeling?" Kirk asked, turning his attention from Kristen to the ailing Helmsmen who winced at the volume of James' voice.

"I've been better, Captain" he said, sitting down in his chair slowly and wheeling around, placing his elbows on the console in front of him and his hands on his temples. She looked at Kirk and grinned, the pair of them taking more pleasure from Sulu's obvious discomfort than they should have.

"I swear, bar nights might be my single greatest idea ever" he commented, pointing to several other crew members who were all sporting similar looks to both Kristen and Sulu.

"How come you're not all hung over, you drank more than I did" she said bitterly, crossing her arms over her chest as she stood on the floor beside the platform, glaring at him.

"First of all, it's all about what you drink. You were throwing back shots all night like it was your job. I was drinking beer. More water, less alcohol" he noted, giving her a wise look. She sighed, rolled her eyes, and shook her head before looking around the bridge.

"Who should I be with today?" she asked, looking back at him. She caught him in the middle of a stare, her hands immediately going to her face to try and hide whatever he was looking at.

"What? What is it?" she asked, feeling around her cheeks but finding nothing wrong. She watched as one corner of his lips curled gently upward and he let out a single laugh, his eyes project some unidentifiable emotion at her.

"Nothing. You feel comfortable enough with navigation?" he asked, gesturing towards the still ailing Sulu.

"Pretty much. I mean, Sulu's been showing me the ropes for the past few days and I review the controls on a computer in Engineering so, I think I've got a pretty good handle on it" she replied

"Comfortable enough to fly her?" he asked, giving her a winning grin that got him nowhere in this situation but would have done wonders in others.

"Only in a desperate Sulu's-dead-and-no-one-else-knows situation" she replied back, giving him an equally as winning smile that he just laughed at.

"Okay then," he started, giving another chuckle.

"What system don't you know a lot about?" he asked, gesturing around the room.

"Transportation?" she offered up eagerly, giving him an anxious look with her eyes that he responded to with a smile.

"Go ahead" he sighed, gesturing to the lift door as she squealed, half running to the lift doors with a smile on her face. He was still chuckling to himself as the lift doors hissed shut, sending her down to Engineering with a silly smile on her face.

-------------

"So not only can you beam things on and off this ship when it's stationary or just using thrusters, you can beam things at warp?"

"Aye. Found the equation myself" Monty said, giving his head a knock with his fist for good measure. They were about an hour into her tutorial on the Transportation technology aboard the Enterprise, Kristen absolutely thrilled that she was finally learning how to work the machine. She'd been reading about the tech so much she felt as if she could already use it; she'd been doing research about the beaming technology ever since she'd gotten aboard the Enterprise, reading every night about its capabilities. But if it's one thing Monty had told her time and time again, it's that working ON a machine and actually WORKING a machine were vastly different.

"How?" she asked, watching over his shoulder as he prepped the transport pad for Kirk and the Science team that were departing soon, Kristen memorizing the controls to heart"

"Eh...It's a long story. Maybe some other time. Oh, have I showed you how to adjust the weight to height ratios yet?" he said, diverting her attention off the main control board and onto a side board, Kristen watching as he inputted good weight to height ratios for James, followed by what Kristen saw to be five other people, two female and three males judging by their weight/heights.

"How we doing Scotty?" James asked as he poked his head into the transporter room, both Kristen and Montgomery looking away from their stations and over to him.

"We're doing well, sir. Just doing the final adjustments. When will the team be ready to go?" Monty asked with professional curiosity as he looked back at his control board, his fingers dancing their way across it as he made adjustments at will.

"Ten minutes. Can I steal Cadet Shaw for a second?" James asked, Kristen giving him a confused look that he just grinned at, motioning for her to follow him out of the room.

"What's up?" she asked after they'd walked to the lift in silence, both of them getting on as her question hung in the air.

The lift began to zip off to an unknown location when he hit the stop button, the lift coming to a halt in a move that just confused her further.

"James?" she asked, giving him a cautious look. He turned to look at her and she was surprised to see a mixture of confusion, anxiety, embarrassment, disbelief, and uncertainty etched across his face.

"I don't know how to do this" he muttered finally, Kristen's heart sinking to her stomach almost instantly. Although she'd never really been in a relationship her self, she knew enough to know those words were never good.

"Do what?" she asked slowly, wanting to make sure her instincts were correct and that she wasn't just a pessimist.

"The emotional stuff. It's like I told you on Qo'nos, Kristen. I'm good with the physical stuff, but this is just...not my thing" he said to her sincerely, scratching the back of his head as he gave her a weak look with his eyes. This hadn't been the answer she'd expected; she'd expected the 'that Kiss was a mistake' talk, not the 'I have no idea what I'm doing' talk. Even she didn't have a clue about the 'I have no idea what I'm doing' talk.

"James I have literally no idea what you're talking about" she replied back plainly, giving him an expectant look.

"That. Did you know that you're the only person on this ship that calls me James?" he asked, gaining confidence with this. He looked at her eagerly, waiting for her to catch on.

"Your point being?" she asked eventually, still not understanding him a single bit.

"My point being that I've always hated being called James. Except from you...it's not so bad" he said, giving her a small smile at the end that almost made her knees weak, except for the fact that she still had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

"James, speak English for me, would ya?" she pleaded, giving him another look that seemed to break him. He sighed and then up took a breath before speaking.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that...this means more to me than just sex. And I don't know what to do about it because it's never not just been about sex" he replied with the awkward yet endearing honesty she knew he was capable of.

"Oh" she said after a few seconds, taking in his words.

"Wait, what?" he said, confused with her reaction.

"Nothing, it's just...ironic that you said that today" she said, reliving the conversation she had with Uhura last night. Guess the Kirk Nyota knew wasn't the Kirk she knew after all.

"I know I have a past as being a playboy and I don't want you to feel as if all last night was about was me trying to get into your pants" he replied with more honesty, rubbing the back of his head.

"If it was, you kinda failed miserably in your attempt" she teased, giving him a look with her eyes that told him she appreciated his honesty despite the humorous jab at him. She watched him break a smile and then laugh with her, finally relaxing for the first time in this conversation.

"Don't worry about it, okay?" she reassured him as she pressed the Go button on the lift, the transporter mobilizing back into action.

She could tell it in his eyes last night that it wasn't about sex; it was something more, something neither of them had anticipated. She'd questioned him enough last night; between the questions she'd asked and the guards she'd put up, she knew that he wasn't just looking to get into her pants. Still, she appreciated the fact that he thought he had to tell it to her in person instead of just letting her derive the same conclusion from his body language.

"I'll keep an eye on your frequency while you're away" she said after a few seconds, the lift depositing them on the level where she knew James' room was.

"Kristen, the Kobali are a very peaceful people" he said, laughing appreciatively anyways. She shrugged, raising her shoulders once and then letting them fall in a helpless gesture despite the knowing smile on her lips.

"I know that, but still. Better safe than sorry. You of all people should appreciate that" she prodded, hitting the Engineering button on the lift as she waited for the doors to close.

"I should?" he asked, confused but still smiling.

"Well from what I hear, it's kind of your motto with the ladies" she teased, giving him a mischievous wink that he just looked stunned at, his expression a cross between shock and amusement as the doors shut between them and the lift took her away.

----------------

She was just making some final adjustments to the transporter when she heard commotion in the hall, her eyes looking up in time to see the five member Science team, one member being Bones, file in with Kirk following them close behind.

"I didn't know you were going off world McCoy" she exclaimed good naturedly, giving him a playful punch to the shoulder as he walked by.

"Trust me Kristen, it isn't by choice" he replied back bitterly, throwing an evil look over his shoulder as James clapped him on the back.

"Oh come on, Bones! It's going to be fun!" James exclaimed, giving her such a knowing smile that she just laughed.

"Fun? You call potentially getting Kamaraazite flu fun? When you're sneezing up your pineal gland, let me know if it's still fun" he bit back harshly with the fatalistic tone they'd all grown to recognize in him. The pair of them chuckled, both shaking their heads helplessly as the Doctor injected himself with a hypospray that probably contained a vaccine of some sort, if either of them knew him correctly.

"We're not going to get Kamaraazite flu" Kirk said pushily, shoving the Doctor forward as he hitched his duffle bag over his shoulder

"No, you're probably right. We're much more likely to get Correllium fever" McCoy said, pulling out his hypospray again along with a vial of liquid and injecting himself once more.

"You all set to go?" she asked, smiling as they watched McCoy fiddle with yet another vial before injecting himself.

"Think so" he replied, hitching his bag once more over his shoulder. She took a second and just looked at him; god, he was attractive. She took a deep breath and sighed inwardly, thanking whatever karma gods she'd pleased.

"How long are you guys going to be gone?" she inquired casually, watching as James' smile grew a little wider at her words.

"Three, four days" he replied back nonchalantly, Kristen nodding her head in approval

"We'll start scanning for life signs after two" she joked, the crew beginning to assemble on the beaming pad.

"Keep an eye on her for me, Scotty" he said as they all took their spots.

"Aye sir. I won't let anything happen to the Enterprise" Monty replied back confidently, nodding his head.

She watched his eyes flicker to her, the same smoldering look she'd seen in his eyes last night coming back as for a second he just stared at her.

"I wasn't talking about the ship. Energize" he said, his eyes still locked on her as thousands of lights began surrounding his body, Kristen watching as a small smile appeared on his lips before he disappeared.

**((Author's Note: Thanks for the 30 some odd reviews on the last chapter. It's unbelievable to get such amazing response from people so a thanks goes out to everyone who reviews and reads this everyday. Anyways, hope you enjoyed the chapter. I think the next chapter is going to be written from James' POV, but I'm not quite sure. It's a 50/50 so, guess you'll just have to wait and see. Blarg, I hate rambling so yeah. Please keep reading and reviewing like always and I'll see you all tomorrow))**


	19. Chapter 19

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Nineteen: Whose Fault is That?

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

* * *

_He kissed her hard, his lips crashing onto her's as his one of his hands went to the back of her neck while the other went to her lower back, pulling her into him. She crashed against him without protest, her arms gripping the sides of his yellow shirt so hard she could feel the fabric wrinkling, her head too dazed and blissful to even register what was going on anymore. She could feel his skin beneath the fabric, her hands tired of not feeling his skin before she ducked her hands under his shirt, pushing it up as he continued to kiss her, each press of the lips more passionate and fiery then the last. She felt him let go of her and finish pulling off his own shirt, their mouths separated for a few seconds as he pulled back an inch or two, their eyes locked on each other as he pulled his arms through the sleeves, both of them panting for breath. The second his shirt was off of his skin she was back up against him, her hands on either side of his face as she pulled him to her, his hands immediately going to her back to help them be as close as possible. She needed to be close to him._

_Her hands left his face and roamed the open expansive of his chest, one hand settling itself over his heart as she felt the thump of it through his chest, surprised by both the tenacity and race of his heart. The other continued to roam, dragging her nails down his abdominals, feeling him groan through the kiss. This seemed to throw him over the edge because the next thing she knew he was slamming her against the wall, one hand pulling her leg up over his hip as the other stayed at her lower back, her heart racing faster._

_She felt his tongue gently rim her bottom lip, begging for entrance that she was more than willing to give. Soon after they were battling for dominance, their kisses become more passionate and deeper every second. Her heart was racing faster and pumping louder than it ever had before; she was so deliriously full of fervour right now she'd thought her heart would beat right out of her chest. That first kiss on the bridge was nothing compared to the way he was kissing her now._

_She felt his hand snake it's way up her hitched leg, moving up the expanse of her thigh before she felt him stall, his hand retract slowly and the kissing coming to an abrupt halt. He pulled back, their panting continue in leiu of the absence of kissing. She locked onto his eyes, trying to figure out what was going on when he spoke._

_"Are you sure you want this?" he whispered, trying to get his breathing under control as he looked at her dead in the eyes._

_She nodded, unable to speak for fear that she wouldn't be able to put coherent enough words together._

_Did she want this?_

_She'd never wanted something so bad before in her entire life._

----------------------

"Kristen!"

Her head jolted up from the desk, her eyes opening instantly before they began shutting and opening, blinking in an attempt to adjust to the light. She looked around, trying to figure out what'd just happened.

Dream, it'd all been a dream.

"That must have been one hell of a dream, I've been calling you for like ten minutes now" Nyota said, Kristen's eyes finally landing on her as she got readjusted to her surroundings.

She was sitting at the tech help desk again, trying to keep her mind busy and off of the fact that James T. Kirk now dominated her mind. Ever since he'd left three days ago, he'd been all she'd though about. But mostly, she'd been trying to decode the conversation they'd had in the elevator right before he'd left. He'd said that he didn't want her to think that the night on the bridge wasn't about him getting into her pants. Did that mean he didn't want to get into her pants? Did that mean he just wanted to be friends? And then there was the whole 'this means more to me then sex'. What means more to him. Their friendship? Was he not trying to sleep with her because he was trying to be her friend? It was all so dramatically confusing; if this was what came along with kissing boys, she never wanted to kiss another one again.

Unless it was James.

"What time is Kirk and the science team getting back at?" Nyota asked, leaning against the help desk as Kristen returned to her work, picking up the broken medical tricorder she'd been fixing before she'd fallen asleep and almost got to second base with James.

"Around seven tonight, why" Kristen said, glancing up from the medical scanner to see Nyota giving her suggestive eyes.

"Nothing. Just wondering what you've got planned for Kirk" the CO asked with a suggestive tone, raising her eyebrows a few times in a way that looked so ridiculous that they both had to laugh, Kristen shaking her head in knowing appreciation.

"I've got nothing planned. He kissed me on the bridge, so what" Kristen said, pushing it aside. A kiss was not a contract, and it only meant as much as people felt it meant. For her, it meant a lot. But for him...well, she really had no idea how much it meant to him.

"So what? So what? God, you really have no idea how monumental this is. Kirk kissing you and then not sleeping with you is like...Scotty coming up with a theory of how to move the Enterprise to warp twenty. It's huge" Nyota said, jabbing Kristen with a finger as her eyes went wide.

"I don't think it's that big a deal" Kristen said matter of factly, keeping her feelings to herself. She knew Nyota would have a field day if she knew about just how deeply she cared for him, so she'd kept that piece of information to herself.

"Of course you wouldn't, he's got you under his spell" Nyota said with disinterest, picking up a broken engineering All-Tool before tossing it away with disgust.

"Oh my god, did you really just say that?" Kristen exclaimed, putting down her tools and making a face that had the expression 'Really?' written all over it.

"What! It's true! He's put you under the Kirk charm. Makes you completely obvlious to his flaws" Nyota said, twiddling all of her fingers to simulating magic before laughing, Kristen just shaking her head as she returned to the tricorder.

"Look, I know he has a history of being a playboy and everything but I think it's different this time" she explained without looking up, replacing one of the minute batteries before moving on to replace the damaged glass screen.

"They always do" Uhura sighed wistfully, gazing off into the distance with fake apprehension before coming back, giving Kristen a wicked smile.

"Why can't you just be happy for me? I mean, look at me. I was fucking singing in the shower this morning, and I never sing in the shower" Kristen exclaimed, pointing her tools right at Nyota, giving a dangerous jab in her direction.

"All I'm saying is that I'll believe it when I see it. The Kirk I know and the Kirk you know may be two very different men, but a leopard doesn't change it's spots over night. Rome wasn't built in a day" Uhura said wisely, nodding her head a few times as she gave Kristen an expectant look to reaffirm her point.

"You done?" Kristen sighed, looking up from the tricorder tiredly. She needed to finish this soon and it wasn't going to get done if Nyota kept stuffing her worst fear down her throat.

"No, I got enough clichés to talk for hours but I need to be getting back. Spock gets antsy when I'm more than two minutes late for lunch" Nyota said, giving Kristen a smile and a wink before turning to go, leaving Kristen alone.

She worked on the tricorder in silence for a few more seconds before stopping, bringing her eyes off the scanner and into the empty space in front of her. Nyota had brought up a very valid point, a point that had been nagging at her ever since Kirk beamed off the ship three days ago. He had a definite, long history of sleeping around and monopolizing women. As much as she wanted to believe that she wasn't just another anticipated notch on his bed post, she couldn't shake the feeling that it may just be a big game for him. Despite the fact that she'd seen it in his eyes that night that he'd never intentionally hurt her, she knew that he did all sorts of things to get women into bed. As deeply and as intensely as her heart was telling her that she was crazy for James, her head couldn't get past the fact that he had a history, a history that she feared he had no intention of changing.

-----------------

She'd almost forgotten completely about her hesitation towards trusting him the second she laid eyes on him later that day, looking up from the control panel with a small smile on her face that only got wider as soon as she saw him.

He was a little bit scruffy, as scruffy as three days without shaving got someone, but it suited him. She laughed outloud at Bones however, who looked as if he'd just gotten back from a three week trek in the Amazon jungle.

"Welcome back" she said in between laughs, stepping out from behind the control panel and into the beaming room, giving James small smile as he stepped off the platform and towards her.

"Good to be home. Where's Scotty, did he just leave?" James asked, Kristen watching with a smirk on his face as his blue eyes swept the extent of the beaming room before looking back towards her, confusion etched across his grizzly face.

"No actually, Monty's down in Engineering" she said, turning as she gave him a wicked smile to go back to her control panel, needing to run through her post transport check list of shutting off all the systems.

"So who beamed us out?" James inquired further, joining her at the control panel as the rest of the team filed past them and into the hallway, leaving them dead alone.

"I did" she said with proud indignation, her hands moving quickly over the screen as she shut off the biometric scanners and molecule attachers, the little hills on the beaming pad going dark as she shut them off.

"I leave for three days and it's like you're running the ship, unbelievable" he muttered with fake disbelief, tossing her one of those amazing looks with his eyes that almost made her knees weak.

"How was the trip?" she asked as she moved past him, going over to the opposite wall of control panels and continuing her shut down routine, her hands moving from screen to screen.

"Good. Bones has enough medical data to keep him happy for the next I don't know, billion years and I managed to negotiate a decent peace agreement with the Kobali for the Federation so I'd consider it a win in my books" he noted, shrugging his bag off his shoulder and leaning on the doorframe out of the transport room, watching her work.

"Good, I'm glad. Did you have fun?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder to look at him, smiling as soon as she saw him smiling at her.

"Not really, no. I didn't have much to do there after the first night and they don't really do much in the sense of recreation so" he said, Kristen glancing over her shoulder again as she watched him shrug.

"Glad to be home then?" she asked, almost finished the shut down sequence.

"Glad to be home. Did ya miss me?" he asked, Kristen smiling to herself instantly before chuckling, giving a sarcastic shrug.

"Eh. I mean, it was nice not having to see your hideous face around here for a few days..." she joked, moving over to the door as she called for the regular technicians to come in through the computer, giving him a smile as she watched him laugh.

"Ouch, you don't pull any punches do you" he replied sarcastically, smiling.

"Never have, never will" she said in honesty, smiling to the techs that came into the room as she followed James out, walking with him to the lift.

"Did you miss the ship?" she asked, making conversation to keep her mind off of him. She watched as they came to a halt in front of the lift, a cocky yet gentle smile on his lips as he turned to look at her. He made no attempt to hide the fact that he was raking his eyes over every inch of her body before speaking, the scrutiny of his stare unhinging her completely.

"Amongst other things" he said in a low voice, bringing his eyes back up to her after he'd finished analyzing her.

"I bet, I heard Kobali food is terrible" she noted sarcastically, giving him a warning yet mischievous look with her eyes.

"Yeah, the food...right" he said, turning to look at her with nothing short of fire in his eyes.

"Anyways, I'm sure you want to go take a shower and whatever so I'll just head to the bridge. Nyota's been teaching me all about the Com systems and stuff so" she explained after a few seconds, unable to take the sexually charged silence any longer.

"What are you doing for dinner tonight?" he asked abruptly, almost cutting her off as he turned to face her.

"Excuse me?" she asked, giving him a confused look even though she'd heard him perfectly well.

"Have dinner with me. Tonight" he said, his voice and face gentle as he cocked his head to the side to survey her as she made her decision.

"Uh...sure" she said, trying to make the decision look nonchalant even though she was screaming YES YES YES in her head. He may be a playboy, but just did something to her that she couldn't even explain.

"Meet me in the mess hall around nine o'clock" he said as the lift brought him to his level, Kristen watching as he swung his bag over his shoulder and walked out, her eyes locked on his back.

"James, dinner finishes at eight, we're not going to have any food" she pointed out, James turning on his heel to face her with a knowing look on his face.

"You're forgetting I'm the Captain. Nine o'clock" he said before the doors hissed closed in front of her, continuing on its way to the bridge.

She looked down at her feet and chuckled, letting out a low whistle as she shook her head in disbelief.

There was a very real and legitimate chance that all James was doing was trying to sleep with her. But she couldn't deny the way she felt when she was around him. She felt absolutely electric when she was around him, a feeling that, whether or not he was lying to her, she wanted to feel for as long as possible.

---------------------------------

"Best first date?"

"When we met for dinner the first time a while back"

"Worst first date?"

She paused, pursing her lips in thought as she contemplated his question.

"When we met for dinner the first time a while back" she replied, both of them sharing a quiet laugh that was only magnified due to the emptiness of the mess hall.

True to his word, when she'd arrived at the hall promptly at nine o'clock later that evening he was already sitting down, two steaming plates of food waiting for them. They proceeded to make easy conversation for the entire time they ate, both Kristen and James avoiding heavy conversations that she knew were bound to come eventually.

"What, is that the only first date you've had?" he joked, taking a sip from his glass with humour in his eyes that she watched slowly fade as she sat there in front of him with an embarrassed yet proud look on her face.

"You're kidding, right? Please tell me that was not your first date" he exclaimed with quiet indignation, looking at her unimpressively with obvious disbelief.

"Sorry. But look at it this way, I got the emotional turmoil of the first like three dates out of the way in one night" she replied sarcastically, raising an eyebrow challengingly towards him that he made a face at, shaking his head to himself as he looked down.

"I already apologized for that" he cringed, without looking back him.

"Doesn't mean I can't make you feel bad for it" she teased, taking a sip from her glass as she leant back in her seat, looking across the table at him.

"Did it really hurt you that bad? That I forgot?" he asked quietly after a few seconds, finally looking up. She thought about it for a few seconds and then nodded, remembering exactly how she felt that day.

"Yeah. Yeah it did" she replied back, keeping her face stoic.

"Why"

"Because I don't open up or trust people. I've always been on my own, always. So when I sit down with someone and willingly talk about my life, that's a big deal for me. And it kind of sucked to have that interrupted by a woman looking for you for your date" she said, looking up from her hands and into his eyes, giving a meek shrug.

"Why don't you trust anyone?" he asked after a few seconds of just staring at her across the table, his voice quiet and gentle.

"Because I don't like being let down. I don't like being hurt. If I don't trust someone, I don't give them the tools to do either to me" she said, taking another sip of her water.

She could feel the heavy conversation coming and she prepped herself by putting up the guards, not ready to let him in yet. She wanted to make sure it wasn't just some game to him before she opened herself up. She didn't want to get hurt.

"Sounds like you keep a lot of people at bay" he commented, shifting in his seat.

"Do what I need to to survive" she fired back, adjusting her own seating position as she kept her eyes on him.

"This isn't a jungle, Kristen. It's just life" he commented, giving her a smile that she just scoffed at.

"In a lot of ways James, my life used to be a jungle" she replied, trying not to think about her past since she knew it'd only screw up her future. She had to let everything go if she ever wanted to move on.

"Was it really that bad?" he asked quietly, pressing further. He was on the bound of her trust now, gently treading a fine line.

"Yeah" she replied eventually, knowing a one word answer wouldn't reveal too much.

"How?" he asked, successfully crossing the line into information that she wasn't willing to share.

She could tell he saw it almost instantly that he'd gone too far, her body shifting in her seat and her eyes leaving him. She heard him groan and bang a fist on the table, startling her.

"Damn it, Kristen. I thought you were going to let in me!" he said fustratedly, getting out of his chair and rising from his seat, rubbing the back of his neck.

"It's not that easy" she said quietly, staying in her seat as she watched him begin to pace.

"Actually, it is that easy. You just tell me something about yourself other than the fact that you had a shitty life growing up. News flash for you Kristen, so did I" he bit back bitterly, glaring at her.

"You think it's the same? You grew up with a Mom, a Stepdad, and a Grandfather who loved you. You know what I had? A string of bad foster parents who liked booze and the checks they got for taking care of me more than they liked me. That's what I had. So save your little speech about how shitty your home life was for someone else because I'm not having any of that. You're life was a dream compared to what I lived" she bit back now with more tenacity than she'd expected, rising from her chair part way through her speech as she pointed down at the table for punctuation.

"Oh my god, again with the isolation! We get it! You had a tragic upbringing and then settled into a life of crime before finally turning good. It's almost poetic. You know, you should think about writing a book" he replied back with the critical sarcasm she hadn't heard in a while, the mean arrogance back in his eyes.

"I don't need this" she muttered to herself, rising from her chair and heading towards the door.

"Where are you going?" he called to her in a gentler tone when she was three steps from the doorway. She turned around slowly and looked at him, noticing the obvious signs of apology written all over his face.

"I don't need to sit here and have you belittle me. Yeah, James, you kissed me on the bridge and yeah, we've talked a lot about stuff. And yeah, you probably know me pretty damn well. But trust me when I say this. You've barely scratched the surface when it comes to what there is to know about me" she said, giving him a direct look to try and emphasize the point.

"Yeah? Well whose fault is that?" he asked finally, giving her such an expectant look that she couldn't even answer, leaving him standing in the mess hall alone while she tried to figure out how she could go from so happy to so upset in less than four hours.

**((Author's Note: Hey everyone. I'm quite sorry for not updating yesterday. I'd planned on it, and I had my seven pages of word written but I didn't like the direction I was heading in so I decided not to update and just took the day to think about it. Hopefully you guys like this, as I add some drama to the pot. I'm definitely planning on a Kirk POV chapter sometime soon, and there MAYBE be a cameo from Pike. I'm really not sure. I have a lot of ideas that I need to kind of ferment upon and figure out how to tie them all in together. Anyways, thanks for your patience and I'll try and get back to my daily updates soon. Once again, thanks so much for the support. Means more than I could ever say. ))**


	20. Chapter 20

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Twenty: Proof

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

She'd barely fallen asleep when she heard a fist pounding on her door around two in the morning, Kristen climbing off of her bed and stumbling to the door as she ordered it to open, her eyes immediately protesting the incoming beams of light.

"What the hell happened while I was away Kristen" he demanded, her eyes in between the blinks taking in his form and angry face. Her eyes blinked their way up and down his body, taking in the black flannel pants and the grey form fitting shirt that showed off the body she'd yet to get a chance to see.

"James, I don't want to do this right now" she mumbled in response, brushing some of her tangled hair out of her face. She was tired, sore, and didn't want to argue. She was still to confused about how they'd left things to get into it again.

"Yeah well, forgive me if I don't really care what you want to do. I mean I leave for three days and we're back to where we started. This whole you pushing me away thing is starting to get a little over played, don't you think?" he replied bitterly, Kristen watching as he crossed his arms over his chest and surveyed her critically, his expression stony.

"Says the man who's been treating women like meat for the past four years. Now that's a little overplayed, don't you think?" she bit back unintentionally, turning to glare at him now. He'd pushed her buttons before at dinner so now she wasn't going to hold back.

"So that's what this is all about? You think you're just another lay for me?" he replied incredulously, narrowing his eyes at her in a cross between confusion and hurt.

"Is that really so hard to believe?" she asked plainly, giving him an expectant look.

"I gave you my word" he said slowly and almost robotically, his gaze turning to critical now.

"Like you haven't lied to get a girl into bed before, James" she scoffed, rolling her eyes as well as shaking her head in disbelief.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he demanded, his tone aggressive now. She could see it in his eyes that he was getting angry and frustrated with her, something that unsettled her.

"I'm talking about the fact that for the past four years and god knows how many before that, all you've ever wanted from women was sex. You expect me to believe you when you say that's not how it is with me?" she replied, unable to understand where he was coming from now as he stood in front of her, aggravation all over his face.

"Yeah Kristen, I do" he replied plainly, taking a step back as he looked down to his feet and shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and fore finger tiredly.

"How? How can you say that?" she demanded, still not comprehending his thought process. She knew having this conversation at two in the morning was less than ideal, but she knew that he wouldn't rest until he got his answer.

"Because I expected you to trust me. I'll be the first one to admit that yeah, I've been kinda a jerk to a lot of women over the years. But when I told you in the Klingon prison that I was trying to be a better person, I meant it. I needed you to trust me and you didn't, yet again" he said, taking a step forward as he looked at her critically, punctuating his words with his hands.

"Yeah well, can you blame me?" she replied bluntly, crossing her arms over her chest as she leant against her door frame, looking at him expectantly.

"You know, I don't know what's worse. The fact that I've done everything in my power to try and regain your trust after what happened last time or that you keeping getting stuck on the man I use to be and refuse to look at the man I've become" he noted, gesturing towards himself as he turned to leave, Kristen able to tell by his body language that he was done with this conversation and if she marked his words correctly, done with her as well.

"Rome wasn't built in a day, James" she said, noting one of the clichés Nyota had given her yesterday as she watched him turn to go.

"No, but after a month or so of working on it, I suspect the workers got a stable foundation in place" he replied back, his words like a stab wound straight to her gut. She'd never thought about it that way.

She watched from her place in the doorway, his form turning after giving her one final look to head back down the hall, leaving Kristen feeling considerably more confused than she'd ever thought possible.

----------------

"You hailed me, Captain?"

She stepped into view, her stomach churning uncomfortably as she stepped into the bridge for the first time since their disagreement last night. She'd spent the better part of the rest of the night thinking about him and everything that happened and she still hadn't come to a decision. She just couldn't get past his past.

"Yes, Cadet Shaw, come in" he said, looking up from the view screen, his eyes finding her's instantly.

"I've asked Scotty to give you a more permanent position down in Engineering so we won't need you here on the bridge anymore" he informed her, looking at her for a few seconds before back at the view screen.

She felt her heart drop to her stomach but her head nod, her body responding to his words.

"Any particular reason why you asked him to do that, sir?" she asked slowly, feeling her blood beginning to boil. She liked her time on the bridge every day, and she didn't understand why that had to end just because they might have.

"You want to be an engineer, right?" he asked plainly, looking back at her with faint disinterest that only seemed to irritate her more.

"You know I do" she replied back bitterly, with unintentional aggression. She didn't like this Kirk; this was the arrogant, disinterested, ignorant Kirk she'd met when she'd first arrived on the Enterprise. _So much for trying to change_.

"Well you're not going to get there if you keep spending time up here. I've asked him to put you somewhere in transport, where you want" he said raising his eyebrows slightly to her before going back to the view screen.

"Polarize the screen then swing us around to get a better look at that star, Sulu" he ordered, Kristen hearing the helmsmen give confirmation orders as she just stood there.

"Anything you'd like to say, Cadet?" he asked challengingly after a few seconds of silence, Kristen's face stoic and kept despite the hurricane of emotion brewing inside of her.

"No, you've pretty much covered all the issues I had" she sniped back, turning on her heel and marching out of the bridge, steam pouring from her ears.

-------------------

"I mean whatever; we got in a fight, so what? Doesn't mean he should go all postal about it and send me off the bridge. I mean, that's part of my training, to learn the controls. How am I supposed to do that in Engineering? But no, you get involved with your boss and this is what happens" she bit, adjusting the wires on a broken frayer coil far too aggressively.

She'd reported down to Engineering right after leaving the bridge as ordered, and proceeded to spend the next few hours and all the way through lunch bitching to the team in the Engine Department about how big of an ass Kirk was for practically firing her from the bridge just because he hadn't gotten his way. She'd yelled and shouted and whined and complained to the four man screw of Ensigns who just watched her work while bitching. They were all too astounded by how efficiently she worked that they put up with her non stop talking.

"Such an idiot, I knew this would have happened eventually. That's why the number one rule of the workplace is don't get involved with your colleagues; it always gets awkward. But like, what the hell? He's all pissed off and moody because I don't want to tell him about my past, what the fuck is that about? My bad if I'm not jumping at the chance to let my dirty laundry out to dry to someone I've known for a month who may or may not only be after me to get into my pants. Where the hell is the geomatics crystal? Hey! I need a Geomatics crystal" she called to them, turning over her shoulder as she watched the four ensigns scramble to the spare parts table, one coming back a second later with a small blue crystal in his hand, a huge smile on his face.

"Thanks. It's just so unbelievable that he's mad. I mean, I'm the one who's probably getting played, I'm the one who he pushed for information. You don't see me firing him from the bridge now do you" she said, taking the crystal before returning back to her work, continuing to repair the coil.

"That's because you can't do that" one of the Ensigns said, chipping in for the first time.

"That's totally besides the point. What time is it anyways, I'm starving" she noted, dropping her tools on the floor as she unbelted the tool belt around her waist, striding over to the as her eyes went to the clock.

"Dinner, great" she noted, bitterly walking out of the Engine Department as she headed towards the lift, not feeling any better than when she'd left the bridge hours ago despite having enough time to cool off.

----------------

"Will anyone be joining you for dinner?"

She looked up from her plate, her fork busy making mashed potato mounds instead of shovelling the food into her mouth. Her eyes landed on Spock, his face as stern and retracted as always before shaking her head, her attention going back to her food.

"I heard you and Captain Kirk got in an altercation" Spock said after a few seconds of silence, drawing Kristen's attention off of her now cold meal.

"Did Uhura tell you that?" she scoffed, chuckling to herself at the fact that she should have known Nyota wouldn't have been able to keep the fight a secret.

"No, actually. The Captain did" he replied back a second later, his face remaining emotionless.

"He told you that we got in a fight?" she countered surprisingly, unable to hide said surprise off of her face.

"He told both Dr. McCoy and myself early this morning. He was visibly upset when he spoke about the disagreements" Spock informed her, looking up from his meal with steadiness in his eyes.

"Visibly upset" she spat, looking down at her plate as she shook her head in disbelief.

"You do not think the Captain has reason to be mad?" Spock countered, raising one of his diagonal eyebrows ever so slightly as her words intrigued him.

"No, I really don't. He's getting all pissed off because I refuse to tell him about my past. That's bullshit in my opinion" she retorted, giving Spock a look of affirmation as she shook her head, raising one hand up as she physical batted the argument away by swinging it in front of her.

"I believe he is more frustrated with himself than anything else. From what I observed, he is having a very hard time comprehending why you lack the emotional skills necessary to share personal information with him" Spock replied, looking back down at his food, Kristen looking at him aggravatingly. She didn't want Spock's logic putting it into simpler terms than what it was.

"It's just not that easy. You don't just decide to tell someone about you're messed up past. It takes time to build that level of trust" she explained, leaning back in her seat.

"Trust which, I understand, you are not willing to give to him" he countered, giving her the faintest of expectant looks with his eyes.

"Can you blame me?" she scoffed, giving him an even more expectant look.

"During the short time aboard this vessel, I have always known Captain Kirk to be a man of his word" Spock countered this time with confidence, Kristen feeling a peal of jealously as she saw the way Spock was standing up for Kirk.

"Even when it comes to women?" she pried, the expectancy in her eyes withstanding.

"I will admit, when it comes to the female gender Captain Kirk can be...persuasive. But what I said before still remains true; he cares for you. More than I think I have ever seen him care about anyone. It showed very plainly today when he was speaking about you" he explained, continuing to eat as she just sat there, taking in his words.

"How am I suppose to know whether or not he really has feelings for me or if it's all just a big game?" she asked bluntly, blowing out a breath as she ran a hand through her hair, rubbing her eyes tiredly.

"I guess the answer to that comes down to something you are not willing to give. Your trust; in him and in yourself" Spock replied, his focus still on his food.

"In myself?"

"Cadet Shaw, if you trusted yourself and your own convictions we would not be sitting here discussing the matter. But your inability to have confidence in yourself has landed you here" Spock said, looking up with a matter of fact look on his face that was so reassured she almost believed him for a second.

"I trust myself" she said defensively, sitting up in her seat.

"If you trusted yourself Cadet, you would have trusted what you felt for Captain Kirk to have been real and not just a facade presented by him in order to bed you. You would have had confidence in what you were feeling and would not have been swayed by Captain Kirk's illustrious past. But since you lack the emotional ability to have faith in yourself, you are in your present situation" he said straight forwardly, laying it all out for her.

"I've never thought of it that way" she mumbled a minute later, letting it sink in. She'd been doing that a lot lately, never thinking of things certain ways. First the Rome comment, now this. Although she would say she had full confidence in herself, Spock brought up a very valid point. She'd been so quick to blame everything on James that she never really took a step back to think about the larger picture. She should have had confidence in what she was feeling, like Spock had said. She should have trusted herself, if anything. She couldn't let herself down, right?

"Indeed. Do you care for Captain Kirk?" he inquired, looking up from his meal.

"I thought I did. I mean, I think I do. I don't even know what I feel anymore, this is all just so messed up" she muttered, shaking her head as she tried to make sense of it all. She had feelings for Kirk, but she couldn't get let go his playboy past. She didn't trust him and in a way she didn't trust herself. It was all far, far too confusing for her liking.

"Cadet Shaw, may I give you a piece of guidance?" he offered, Kristen looking up hopefully and nodding, hoping he'd be able to make sense of it all.

"There are days where Nyota pushes me to my absolute wits end. And I must imagine there are times where I infuriate her as well. But our relationship survives due to mutual respect and absolute trust in the other. I fear that until you learn to put your trust into someone, you will never experience a true relationship" he said, rising from his spot and leaving her to sit and wallow in her thoughts.

She felt as if someone had just detonated a di-Lithium crystal in her mind, closing her eyes to try and figure everything out. Nothing was as she thought it was, apparently. She was mad; mad at Kirk for being mad at her for no God damn good reason. He was mad that she wouldn't trust him and she was mad that he was mad at her. She didn't trust him and now, she didn't know if she could trust herself. And then there was the whole potential I'm-just-another-notch-in-your-bedpost drama that seemed to dominate her entire existence, the final nail in the coffin of her trust in him. But amidst all this, one thing remained definite. Definite and true.

She had feelings for him, despite everything else. Feelings that she couldn't turn off.

She opened her eyes eventually, surprised to find James directly in her line of fire about twenty feet from her. She was about to draw up the courage to go over and say something when she finally noticed that he wasn't alone. He was sitting with a stunning red head who seemed to be laughing entirely too much at whatever he was saying. She felt something inside of her twinge as she watched them, noticing the smile on his face and the look in his eyes. She knew that smile; he smiled at her that way all the time.

The something inside of her started to twinge painfully as reality set in on what she was watching; the jokes, the smile, her gently touching his arm. She was watching a date, or at least some heavy flirting if she spotted it correctly. They were sitting too close and touching too frequently for it to have been anything else. She could see it in his face. It was around that time when the painful twinge started to creep up to her heart; it began to clench horribly, as if a hand were wrapped tightly around her heart, trying to stop it from beating it.

She knew this feeling. It was the heart wrenching feeling you got when someone close to your let you down. But in her case it was the painful feeling of being proven right all along; James had never had feelings for her. He'd been just using her, trying to get her into bed. All she'd needed before was proof, and now she had it. Proof given in the form of him rising from his chair and helping the redhead out of her's, the pair of them leaving the mess hall together off to do god knows what. She hadn't been out of the picture for longer than twenty four hours and already he was onto someone else.

She hated this feeling. She closed her eyes and punched the table, angry at herself for ever thinking other wise.

She hated this feeling.

**((Author's Note: Blarg. I want to apologize for the last few chapters; I've really been stuck and I haven't really known what I wanted to do with the story. But I think I've finally figured something out, something that I know I can write about instead of just sitting down and forcing myself to churn out pages despite my lack of inspiration. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the update! I know the past few chapters haven't quite been up to par but I promise to get it back, you can count on that. Anyways, please review and give me some inspiration because I gotta tell you, you guys. I really need it =] Thanks so much for your on going support!))**


	21. Chapter 21

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Twenty One: Bloody Knuckles

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

She punched the canvas bag in front of her, feeling the inside of the glove scrape against her knuckle in protest. She'd been doing this for a while now, so it was about time she began feeling it.

It'd been about a week since she'd seen Kirk make off with the red head. She'd been angry for about seven hours when she realized that she'd never been that girl; she'd never been the girl who got upset when she didn't get the boy. She was the tough as nails, suck it up and survive no matter what gets thrown your way girl. Yeah, it sucked that James had run off with someone else and yeah, it sucked how she felt but it wasn't the end of the world. Far worse things had happened to her before, and she'd gotten through them. That's who she was, and it seemed as if since she'd met Kirk she'd lost sight of that and turned into someone she didn't want to be. She'd lost her way somewhere and now she was destined to get it back. She was Kristen Alexandra Shaw; an independent, stubborn, sarcastic, tough as nails 23 year old who could do anything she set her mind to. She needed to get back to that.

"Cadet Shaw, you are requested in Transportation" the computer said from above, breaking her from her revere. She halted the bag from swinging, her breathing heavy and laboured as she backed up from the sack, tearing her gloves off to reveal scraped and slightly bloody knuckles. She grimaced, extending out all of her fingers before making a fist, flexing the skin as she headed towards the door.

"What's up?" she asked as she strode into the Transport room a few minutes later, her internal temperature manageable after the work out she'd just undergone. She was dressed in her loose black shorts and a black tank, feeling considerably under dressed as she walked into a room full of dressed officers.

"Aye, we're having a little bit of trouble with the transporter Cadet. It seems someone's tampered with the system, is that correct?" Monty asked, looking up from the control panel with his head set on, one eye coloured orange by his ocular view screen.

"Yeah" she said, nodding. She looked around the room and her eyes swept across James, making eye contact with him for a few seconds before looking back at Monty. She'd seen him around over the past seven days but she'd kept mainly to herself, focussing on work instead of him. Now that she was in Engineering, it was easy to avoid him. She felt something faint within her ping, but she easily ignored it.

"So you've altered technology that has been patented and proven useful by Starfleet?" James asked, speaking up. She looked backed at him and nodded, her face still plain.

"Yeah"

"You've modified a program that systematically transfers sentient beings from one location to another after two months of service?" Spock interrupted this time, her eyes going to him this time

"Yeah"

"Why the bloody hell would you do that?" Monty exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration as he just shook his head, staring at her incredulously.

"Ensures accuracy. Decreases the chance of losing people or body parts if the person moves. Faster transfer, faster they can get here, less of a chance of losing them" she said, laying it out in plain English as she moved to the control screen, her hands taping a few keys before she brought up the program's core function, showing him the subroutine she wrote.

"Oh. How'd you do that?" Monty inquired intriguingly, Kristen watching as his eyes swept over her programming, receiving a few nods of appreciation as he understood what she'd done.

"Amped up the particle accelerator, gave it some more power. Changed out the old biometric sensors for new ones" she explained before moving back towards the door, turning around as soon as she got there

"How much faster did you get it?" Kirk inquired, Kristen looking over at him again.

"I got it about a half second faster, but you can probably get it better. I ran into some calculations that I didn't know how to do so I had to scale my original plan back" she explained, crossing her arms over her chest. She saw his eyes go to her hands so she dropped them back to her side, crossing them behind her back.

"We done here?" she asked a few seconds later with aggression, looking at all of them expectantly.

"I believe so. Well done, Cadet. This is remarkable" Monty said, looking up approvingly as he grinned, giving her a nod before going back to the control panel.

She nodded back to him once and then turned to leave, her feet taking her robotically to the lift. She heard the rapid fall of running footsteps follow her out of the room and then the smell of his cologne filled her nose, revitalizing her senses almost instantly.

"Hey there" he said, coming to a halt beside her. She looked up and over at him and smiled meekly before turning her attention back towards the lift.

"Hi" she replied keeping herself stony. She had herself on lock down, inside and out.

"What happened to your hands?" he asked a few seconds later, cutting to the chase. She kept her arms at her side as she turned to him again, glancing at him for a half second before going back to the lift.

"It's nothing, just trained a little too hard today" she replied with honesty, the lift doors opening in front of them as they both stepped in, Kristen pressing her level as James hit the bridge button.

"I figured you'd go back to the bag after what happened. Seems to be your coping mechanism" he said quietly, the ping in Kristen panging again.

"Actually you know what? I just forgot, I have to go over something with Monty for tomorrow" she replied back automatically, stepping swiftly off the lift and back down the aisle, hearing his protest get cut off as the doors slid shut, silencing him.

She came to a halt as she heard the lift zoom up and away, taking a deep breath as she closed her eyes. She needed to get back to who she used to be and it was a lot easier to do that when he wasn't around bringing stuff up she didn't want to think about. She'd buried what had happened between them soon after it'd happened and turned her attention to other things. She didn't need him bringing up the fact that she'd been played for a fool, twice, by the same guy who was only interested in her for what she wasn't willing to give him; her trust and her virginity. And she didn't need him reminding her that that guy had been her.

After settling herself down she took the lift up to her room, showering and attempting to bandage her hand before giving up, knowing that she had to go see McCoy to make sure it didn't get infected. She pulled on her red cadet dress and swung her long, mahogany hair into a loose braid, walking out of her room and heading towards the sick bay.

"Hey McCoy, you got that bed I reserved?" she joked as she strode in, leaning against the door frame as he looked up from the arm of an Ensign he was stitching.

"Funny. Take a seat" he ordered, gesturing with his eyes for her to hop up on the bed beside him.

"So how you been, Leo? Feels like I haven't seen you in a while" she noted a few seconds later as he finished stitching the Ensign, taking off his rubber gloves and turning on his stool to face her.

"Because you haven't" he said without looking up, putting on a new pair of gloves as he pulled her hands off her legs where they'd been resting, as if he'd been expecting her. She felt a dull pain, one that hadn't really left since she'd seen Kirk today, deep in her chest in realization. He must have warned McCoy.

"Yeah, that's probably true. You've been really busy with all of the data you got from the Kobali; how's that going anyways?" she inquired, brushing the thought of Kirk intervening out of her mind as the Doctor surveyed her wounds with a critical eye.

"That's not it and you know it, Kristen. What the hell happened?" he said, looking up from her hands finally as the critical look continued as he stared at her.

"What do you mean?" she said, giving him a curious look before turning her attention towards his medical tray, moving to pick up a pair of tweezers but having her hand batted away by McCoy.

"Don't play dumb with me, Shaw. What the hell happened?" he pressed further, glaring at her now. She succumbed to his scrutiny and then just shrugged, looking down at her injured hands.

"I don't want to talk about it" she mumbled, hoping to leave it at that but knowing that wouldn't suffice.

"I could care less about what you do or don't want to talk about. So I'm going to ask again. What the hell happened?" he continued, his voice raising as he abandoned her hands.

"What the hell does it matter?" she asked aggressively, bringing her eyes off of her hands and to him, glaring right back at him now.

"What does it matter? I'll tell you why it matters. It matters because the Captain of this ship, the Captain whose job it is is to keep all of us safe, is walking around here like he's catatonic. Now I don't know about you, but a catatonic Captain is not exactly the kind of Captain I want flying my ship" McCoy bit to her, pushing back from her bed as he continued to survey her critically.

"That's not my problem. Can you just bandage my hand please?" she pleaded, showing him her bruised and wounded knuckles.

"Not until you answer my question" he said, standing firm as he went so far as to remove his gloves, folding his arms over his chest.

"Huh?" she asked, confused.

"I'm not bandaging your hand until you answer my question" he said, remaining firm in his stance on his stool.

"Isn't that illegal?" she inquired, raising an eyebrow to him that he just waved off.

"Probably, but then again I am the Chief Medical Officer on this ship so what I say usually goes" he pressed, standing firm.

"So?" he continued, giving her a harshly critical look.

"McCoy, come on" she pleaded, willing with him to let it go. She wasn't going to talk about what had happened, especially with the Captain of Team Kirk.

"No, you come on. What the hell did you do to him?" he said, narrowing his eyes as he shook his head once or twice to the side.

"What did I do? He thinks its my fault?" she asked in incredulity, gesturing to herself as she narrowed her eyes at him this time in disbelief.

"He doesn't think anything now a days. All I know is that we get back from the Kobali home world and its like you want nothing to do to him. Care to explain?" he inquired, cocking his head to the side as he looked at her, demanding an answer just with his eyes.

"No, actually. I don't. God, I don't need this. I'll do this myself" she said, sliding off the bed and moving over to the medical cabinet, taking what she needed.

"See, now what you're doing right now is illegal" he said from his stool, Kristen pulling bandages, disinfectant, and spider web bandages to close the gaps. She'd just finished pulling everything from the cabinet, glaring over her shoulder at him.

"It's what I do, McCoy. I do what I need to to get by, it's kind of my thing. So forgive me if I could care less about what is legal or not" she bit, going over to a bed and dumping all of her things there, ripping packages open as she watched him watch her.

"All he's ever done is care, Kristen"

"Yeah, that's his issue. Too much caring. About me, about Emily, about that red head I saw him with last week" she scoffed, shaking her head as she laughed before going back to her hands.

"What red head?" McCoy asked, intrigued at her words.

"The red head he took back to his room the day after we got in our fight" she said, abandoning her hands and looking over at him, her eyes pointed and expectant.

"He took a red head back to his room?" he asked, now confused as his eyebrows rose slightly.

"Yeah, I saw them leave the mess hall together"

"They could have gone anywhere" he pointed out, calling out the nagging logical thought she'd been thinking about all week whenever she caught herself thinking about him.

"Please. They went back to his room" she scoffed, shaking her head again. It was the James T Kirk they all knew; of course they went back to his room.

"And you know that for a fact?" he pressed, turning himself towards her as he rose from his stool, his arms still crossed.

"Where else would they go?" she asked, giving him yet another expectant look with her eyes.

"Answer my question. Did you follow them where they went? Have you asked him?" the Doctor pressed again, taking a step towards her.

"Oh, yeah. Great conversation opener, don't you think? Hey, I know I have trust issues based around the fact that you're a man whore but by the way, did you have sex with that red head I saw you leaving with the other day?" she sneered, rolling her eyes at the Doctor in sarcasm.

"Well, I'm sure if you asked him politely..." he replied back, Kristen rolling her eyes yet again.

"Besides the point. I didn't ask because I didn't need any other reassurance" she said, shooting him down as she looked back down at her hands.

"Look Kristen, I'm not saying that he didn't take her back to his room, but I still think you should –"

"Just stop, McCoy. I love the fact that you're sticking up for James, but I don't need the He's a great guy speech from you again" she sniped, holding up a hand threateningly before looking back down at her medical kit in front of her, ripping open another bandage.

"Fair enough. Let me help you with that before you kill yourself" he muttered, coming over as he put back on his gloves to help her out, giving her one of his rare smiles. She hopped back up on the bed, letting him work in silence as she continued to push back all the stuff she'd locked away this past week.

------------------------------

"What'd you do to your hands?"

Kristen looked up from her dinner, smiling to Nyota as she watched her friend set down a tray of food in front of the seat opposite of her on the table, sitting down across from her.

"Just a few bad punches to the bag" she explained, gingerly touching her bandaged knuckles.

"Imaging it was Kirk's face?" Nyota joked, taking a gulp of water as Kristen just winced.

"Too soon" she grimaced, making a face that Nyota just frowned at.

"Sorry. If it helps any, he's been less...friendly as of late" the communications officer offered before biting into the sandwich on her plate.

"That doesn't help, but thanks anyways" Kristen said, giving a weak smile before going back to spooning peas across her plate.

"Do you think about him a lot?" Uhura asked after a few short seconds of silence, withdrawing Kristen's attention.

"Unfortunately every day. But then I remember everything else and I push him from my thoughts" she explained, giving a broader smile before it faltered, Kristen thinking of him again before pushing him away, refusing to go there.

"I'm sorry. We can hack into the database and see who the bitch is and then tag her door?" Nyota offered, looking up hopefully from her sandwich in such a way that Kristen just had to laugh.

"Nyota, seriously. I'm fine, I'm over it" she said a few seconds later, keeping the smile on her face.

"That's the scary part, you seem fine. You just had your heart broken and you're fine" Nyota exclaimed, giving her a pointed look before shaking her head.

"I've never been that girl. Yeah, it fucking sucked but worse shit has happened then some guy only chasing me for sex" she offered, taking a sip of her water bottle.

"Like?"

"Like stuff I'm trying to let go of" Kristen finished, avoiding it with such profession even she was impressed.

"Let me ask you something. Did you love him?" Uhura asked a few seconds later, Kristen frowning at her. She'd never thought about love.

"I don't know. How do you know if you love someone?" she asked naively, looking at Nyota with intrigue. She'd been so caught up with all the trust drama she'd never stopped to think about what the intensity of her feelings had meant.

"It's different for everyone. For me its wanting to jump the person's bones every second of every day and for Spock it's the fact that I can listen to him talk or watch him communicate and see more emotion in him than I see from other people. But it's like I said. Different for everyone" Nyota explained, taking another bite of her sandwich after.

"Doesn't really matter now though, does it" Kristen muttered a few seconds later, running a hand through her wavy hair before shaking her head.

"It matters a lot, actually. Because if you love him, you look past the fact that he's a playboy and you just be with him, because I can tell he loves you back" Nyota said, taking her by surprise.

"What? Ny, a week ago you were telling me he couldn't be trusted!" she exclaimed, giving the comm. Officer a crazed look with her eyes to emphasize her confusion. Nyota had just Ninja-ed her brain with one very comment.

"And now I'm telling you that ever since you and him called it quits, he's been sulking around this ship. He's way more moody and withdrawn than I've ever seen him and I think it's because you're not longer in his life." Nyota said, finishing up her sandwich as she pushed the now empty tray away.

"What the hell am I suppose to do, Ny. One day he's Public Enemy No.1 and now he apparently loves me. Fuck, this is confusing" she grumbled, wanting to rip out her hair in frustration.

"I'd start with talking to him. Regardless of whether or not you love him, I have a feeling there's a lot you want to say to him for what he did. And I don't think you're ever fully going to be over it until you say it" Nyota finished, giving Kristen one final expectant look before rising, leaving her alone for what felt like the infinite time in the mess hall as she thought about her life and what had become of it.

She was determined to go back to the person she used to be, but she knew Nyota was right. She had to deal with James first before she could ever move on.

**((Author's Note****: A few people mentioned in reviews that they're loosing interest in Kristen, and I don't blame anyone for thinking that way or for thinking this story has lost some of its steam. I lost interest in this story but I think I've gotten it back. I'd like to thank everyone who's sticking by me firmly, it means so much to have continuous support despite the obvious lack of interest in the past few chapters. I'm bringing Kristen back; I'd some how turned her into this emotional being but that's not who I intended her to be. She's the tough as nails, arrogant, smart mouthed, sarcastic girl I wrote about in the first fifteen chapters. That's who she is, and that's who I'm taking her back to. Anyways, let me know what you think of the chapter and expect a new update within two days, at least. Updating everyday, albeit nice for everyone, I think is what caused me to lose interest. But no fear; I'm coming back slowly. Thanks again everyone))**


	22. Chapter 22

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Twenty Two: Up Against The Wall

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

It wasn't quite three o'clock in the morning, but she knew he'd appreciate the irony of her timing. She'd been standing outside his door for at least a half hour, reading the small speech she'd written on her handheld computer over and over again to commit the words to memory. She wasn't going to fuck this up; she had to say everything she wanted to before she could be done. She wasn't going to leave anything unsaid.

Eventually, she raised her hand up and stopped, her curled fist poised to knock for what seemed like the twentieth time before she dropped it back down to her side, bringing up her speech once more before sighing. _This is ridiculous_, she thought, shaking her head and then finally knocking on his door, her bandaged knuckles still rapping loudly on the metal door.

The seconds seemed to inch by but eventually, she heard the hydraulic hiss of the door as it retracted, revealing a shirtless Kirk in black flannel pants so low slung on his waist that the cuts of abdominals and hips almost made her dizzy as she looked at him. His hair was sticking up in every direction and he had a pair of black framed glasses propped on his nose in front of his eyes, but she'd never seen anything look so...delicious before. She had half a mind to toss the computer to the side and jump him right then and there, but she persisted.

"Kristen?" he asked groggily, squinting at her through his frames. She nodded once before bringing up the speech on the small computer screen. The sight of him without a shirt on had been so literally mind blowing that she'd forgotten her speech in its entirety.

"I know it's late, but I have some things to say. First of all, I'd like to say that I resent the way you treated me. I was nothing but a piece of meat to you and I hate the fact that I ever fell for your manipulative tricks. I thought you were different for a while there; you had me believing that you were this caring, sweet, amazing, smart guy but really, it was all just a game to you. You're a womanizing, lying, manipulative man who is destined to live a really lonely life. Second of all, I'm glad I never opened up to you and trusted you because you don't deserve me. You don't deserve the right to know me after how you treated me, especially after running off with some skank bitch red head the day after we got in a fight. You proved me right; I didn't want to trust you because of your past and you proved me right. So thanks for being the dick I always knew you were and saving me from considerably more pain which would have come after you'd slept with me and left me," she said, letting it all out in close to one breath, only looking up from her screen when she finished. She was proud to have kept her composure through it all, but then again it'd been a week. Most of her anger had subsided into other emotions in that time.

She stared straight at him for a few seconds, seeing him absorb her words before he spoke.

"Wow," he said, letting out a breath as he kept his face indescribable, just looking at her with his piercing blue eyes.

"That's all I have to say to you," she declared, spinning to leave as she gave one final look to him before heading towards the lift. She'd barely taken two steps when she heard him speak.

"You saw me with that red head?" he asked to her back, her feet halting.

"Yeah. I saw you leave the mess hall with her," she explained, turning around robotically to face him.

"Did you see me take her to my room?" he pressed, Kristen seeing almost immediately where he was going with it.

"No, I didn't," she said, sucking in a breath but remaining firm.

"So then how do you know I slept with her?" he inquired, stepping out into the hallway to face her directly. The lights only amplified the effect his body had on her but she shook it away, trying to stay focused on the conversation they were having.

"Did you?" she asked eventually, laying it all out there. She'd convinced herself already that they'd slept together, but she knew a little part of her needed that affirmation.

"Yeah. Yeah, I did," he said quietly yet firmly, nodding his head once. She felt something in the general location of her heart pain, and she diverted her eyes away from him, not able to look at him. She shouldn't have felt the way she was feeling now, but she did. Despite her best attempts to try and push it all away, it still hurt.

"Well, now I know," she said eventually, still unable to look at him as she turned to leave again, not even taking a step this time before he stopped her again.

"You know, you make it really hard to have feelings for you," he scoffed, turning to head back into his room with a look of utter disbelief on his face. She felt her heart skip a beat and her blood begin to boil, the loose bits of anger she still had around coming to the surface. How dare he get mad at her.

"You make it impossible with all the random sluts you sleep with. How's anyone suppose to like that?" she asked him in incredulity, shaking her head at him a few times.

"I only slept with her to prove to myself that I was done with all of that. But I wouldn't expect you to believe that," he bit back at her, turning back in her direction. She could see the fire in his eyes from five feet away and could almost feel the anger boiling in him as well.

"Good, because I don't. Seriously, James, you're going to pull that shit on me? That's weak, even for you," she sniped back, even giving a harsh laugh before sighing in humour, unable to really comprehend what was going on. _To prove to myself that I was done with all that?_ She thought, the idea racing through her head. Part of her wanted to believe that was true, but he still slept with her. Despite whatever honourable intentions he may have had, he still slept with her.

"God! You're so...infuriating!" he said, taking a step forward and bringing his hands up to neck level, mock strangling the air in front of him angrily, his face contorted.

"And you're such a jackass!" she yelled back, throwing her arms up fustratedly before letting them come back down to hit her thighs, her blood now pumping with rage.

"Why are you yelling at me for something you caused?" he asked, pointing at her definitively as she narrowed her eyes, her temper reaching its limit.

"This is my fault?" she asked with nothing short of raging disbelief, so surprised he even went there as she took a threatening step towards him.

"I'm not the one who pushed me away, now was I?" he bit back, gesturing towards her with expectation in his eyes.

"God, get over that. What, did your pride take a hit because a girl finally didn't tell you all about her broken past in a night of drunken debauchery?" she scoffed, glaring at him now with hate. She couldn't believe he was trying to pin this down on her; this was not her fault. She didn't sleep with anyone the day after they'd gotten in a fight, now did she.

"Do you do have a broken past? News to me," he replied back sarcastically, looking at her with mock surprise.

"Fuck, LET IT GO!" she yelled, her voice amplified by the hallway around them. She glared and pleaded with him to just let it go.

"No. I'm not going to let it go. This is lesson number whatever; Trust," he said, taking a step towards her so now they were less than a meter apart.

"Yeah well, looks like I'm going to fail because I sure as hell don't trust you," she retorted, continuing to glare. She became all too aware in that moment how clear his eyes were and how defined his middle was; his abs were like speed bumps that a part of her was just dying to rake her fingers over. But she pushed that from her mind and kept with the conversation, angry.

"You failed this lesson long before I ever entered the picture Kristen, because you don't even trust yourself," he said, echoing what Spock said. She continued to look at him for a few seconds, taking in how definitively and confidently he'd said that, her look softening. She eventually scoffed a laugh and shook her head, gesturing with her hands that she was done.

"I don't need this. I've said what I need to say," she muttered, turning to leave in signal to him that she was done.

"No," she heard him say, seeing his form appear in front of her a second later with his arms slightly out stretched, preventing her from leaving.

"I have nothing left to say to you," she snapped at him, glaring into his clear blue eyes as he glared back into her brown ones. She could almost feel the heat radiating off of his body, but she stood tall.

"That's fine, but there's a hell of a lot I want to say to you," he said, not moving an inch.

"I could care less about what you have to say," she bit to him, her voice dripping with contempt.

"Well, I could care less about whether or not you want to hear it," he retorted, looking at her pointedly through the frames of his glasses, firm in his stance.

"Move, James, I'm serious," she warned, locking onto his eyes threateningly.

"You don't get to come up here and yell at me without hearing some if it back. Sorry babe, things don't work that way," he noted, giving her a sarcastic smile before going back to a stony face.

"Do not call me babe," she said robotically, her tone stoic and level.

"Let me guess, there's some horrible story involving someone calling you babe?" he scoffed, giving her a humoured look that only angered her more.

"Excuse me?" she said slowly, narrowing her eyes in disbelief as she cocked her head to the side in an attempt to try and hear him better.

"There's always a horrible story with you. There's always something that makes you go back to the pool of self pity I've managed to drag you from for a few minutes at a time," he scoffed, giving her a knowing look through his glasses.

"Self pity?" she asked, again in disbelief. She couldn't believe or understand where he was coming from.

"Yeah, the whole 'I'm so broken that no one can fix me' that you've been playing for the past two months. Keeping everyone's at arms length just because you had a shitty life growing up on the streets. It's gotten pretty old," he noted, folding his arms over his bare chest as he surveyed her with such expectancy that it was unnerving.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" she asked with amazement, gobsmacked at what was happening. She'd come to say her piece and then go, and now she was being personally attacked by Kirk. What the hell?

"You know, I just don't get it. What the hell was so bad about your past that you clam up whenever I bring it up?" he inquired, venturing into dangerous territory.

"Seriously, back off," she warned, threatening him once again with dangerous eyes.

"Was it all the foster parents? Did some of them hit you?" he pressed, his tone harsh and critical.

She stayed silent this time, feeling the burn in the back of her eyes that signalled the slow development of tears. She looked away, off to the side over his shoulder and then down to her left foot, her hands on her hips defensively.

"Is that what this is all about? You were abused as a child?" he said in a quieter, gentler voice that she almost fell for.

"Stop."

"Did they hit you? Make you feel unloved, weak?" he pressed, his voice getting more aggressive as she finally reached her breaking point with him. She was sick of always going through this, so she decided right then and there to snap. He wanted her past? He got it.

"Actually it was more of an 'I'm just a punching bag for the father's drunken stupor' kind of feeling. The unloved and weak stuff came after he finished using my face as a target for his fists," she said in sad honesty, looking up from her feet as she locked onto his eyes.

It was his turn to stay silent this time.

"Come on, James, don't stay quiet now. You've just gotten to the good stuff. I mean there was that time one of my dad's punched me so hard in the stomach that he actually ruptured my appendix, had to get it removed. Oh, wait, hold on there's something better than that. There was that other time where one of them punched me so hard in the head I blacked out for over three hours, that was a great time. And then there was the time I was almost raped by one of my dads. Yeah, that has to be a highlight. After that, I pretty much just lived on the streets, managing stealing cars and trying not to get sexually assaulted by any of the other kids whose parents didn't love them. I mean, if I wasn't in jail I was living in an abandoned warehouse trying not to get killed. There was a stint as a drug dealer when I was nineteen but you know, I think that's a little PG-13 for this story, don't you? So is this what you wanted? A Coles Notes version of the past twenty-three years of my life? Because there it is. An abridged version of how ridiculously fucked up I am. Happy?" she yelled, glaring at him for a few seconds before pushing his shoulder.

It was only then did she realize a few tears had begun streaming down her face, leaving wet tracks in their midst. She'd watched the arrogant, aggressive look he'd had on his face before she'd begun speaking slowly slide off during her speech, his body language slowly reacting to what she was telling him.

"Kristen, I—," he started, his face an emotional cross between sympathy, guilt, and disbelief.

"No, you don't get to stand there and apologize for this. You wanted this, remember? So congratulations, there it is," she replied, throwing her hands out to the side as she gestured to herself. She felt the burning feeling at the back of her eyes flare up again, and a new crop of tears roll down her cheeks.

"I never wanted this, I wanted for you to trust me," he said, looking at her again with such sorrow in his eyes that it almost broke her heart.

"Well, that's never going to happen," she replied, using the back of her hand to wipe away her tears as she stepped to the side to leave, done with him. He'd already made her cry more times than anyone else had, and she didn't want to go through this all again. He'd gotten what he'd wanted.

"Why, because you think I'm going to hurt you like the other guys did? You think I'm going to beat you? Make you feel as weak as they did?" he replied, his tone so antagonistic that she seemed to snap again, sobering up almost completely.

She heard the slap of her hand connecting with his face long before she even recognized what she'd done. The whiteness of the halls amplified the light pink colour coming to his cheeks, a stunned look on his face as she remained livid. She could tell her eyes were stone cold and harsh as she glared at him, her hands at her sides shaking in anger and rage as he dealt with what she'd just said and done. She was just bringing her hand up to slap him again when he grabbed her wrist, using his strength to keep her arm down. She was just bringing the other hand up to slap him with that one when he grabbed that wrist as well, pushing her up against the wall to the left of them as he pinned her wrists above her head.

"What is it going to take for you to understand that I would never do anything to hurt you? That all I want to do is-is to keep you safe? What's it going to take?" he whispered to her as he pressed her against the wall, his body up against her's as his eyes searched her face, trying to find another answer.

"I don't know," she whispered, the pressure of his body on her's almost pushing all the wind out of her lungs, Kristen finding it considerably harder to breath with him this close. Her heart was racing at a million miles an hour, partly due to anger and partly due to the fact that she wanted nothing more than to just lean forward and kiss him at that very moment.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. But I meant what I said. I'm done with it, with all of it. I just want you," he whispered back, his eyes locked on her own hungrily as he kept a firm grip on her wrists, her body fitting almost perfectly up against his.

"You still slept with her," she whispered back, unable to silence that voice in her head that was shouting at her over the voice from her heart that was telling her to shut up. One part of her was telling her that he was lying again but another part of her just couldn't deny how right this felt.

"It meant nothing. All of them have meant nothing. But that kiss on the bridge, that night we had? Meant more to me than anything else. What can I say to make you believe that?" he replied quietly, his eyes continuing to stare into her own, searching what seemed like her soul for an answer. She didn't know what he could say, but as she stared into his eyes, she could tell that he meant it. He meant it with every fibre of his being.

"I don't know," she replied dumbly, not able to put coherently thought together. Here she was, once again at a crossroads. She so wanted to believe him, to believe that he was done with the womanizing and that all he wanted was her. She wanted to.

"What do you want from me?" she breathed a few short seconds later, her voice almost inaudible. She watched as he slowly released one of her arms, gently placing his palm flat against the skin above her left breast, pressing it there firmly.

"I want that. It. All of it," he whispered back, Kristen's heart beating so fast she was sure that he could feel it, her breathing all of a sudden becoming laboured. She became dizzy, short of breath, and her heart was beating at a speed she didn't even know possible. And it was within that very second, staring at his face mere centimetres from her own, that she realized that she loved him. Despite his past and despite everything else, she loved the boy in a way she didn't know possible.

She closed the distance between them, finally silencing the voice in her head as she let her heart take over. The feeling of his lips on her's was positively electric, every cell in her body becoming acutely aware of how close his body was to her's. God, she'd missed this feeling. She felt her fingers curl down and his hand move from her wrist to her palm, their fingers intertwining as she kissed him again, hungry to feel his lips upon her's for a few more seconds. His hand slid up from her chest along her neck to her face, cupping one side of it as her empty hand snaked its way to his back, pressing him up against her further.

"This means more to me than just sex. And I don't know what to do about it, because it's never not been just about sex," he said as he pulled back, resting his forehead up against her's, echoing what he'd said a week ago to her in the elevator before he'd left.

"I know," she whispered back, closing her eyes and letting herself just enjoy the feeling of his body up against her's and the feeling that kissing him gave her.

"I've never felt this way before," she said a few seconds later, her words causing him to pull back even more, far enough back that she could see his entire face.

She stood there in silence, watching him as he watched her for a few seconds, an indescribable look on his face. Eventually, she watched him crack a crooked smile and then brush some hair out of her face, running the back of his index finger along her jaw line and down the side of her throat in such a way that she couldn't help but shiver. His smile broadened at this.

"Me either," he said back finally, leaning in to her to gently brush his lips against her's, simultaneously breaking and mending her heart with the sweetest kiss she'd ever experienced, letting herself in that moment feel just as in love with him as she knew she was.

**((Author's Note: I know, about time, right?! Anyways, MUCH love goes out to my beta, Jessica, for helping me these past few days! She's been an awesome help so, thanks so much! Anyways, here's the romance the genre of this story has promised you; I hope it's not too cheesy and if it is, I hope its just enough cheese to make it bearable. Not going to say much again, but thanks to everyone whose shown their support for me these past few weeks. Means a lot ))**


	23. Chapter 23

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Twenty Three: Demi Boil

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

"You totally slept with him."

"I did not sleep with him."

"You're practically glowing."

"Please, you glow like a nacelle engine ready to warp whenever Spock is around."

"I do? Hmm," Nyota said, looking up from her book contemplatively as Kristen just laughed, going back to the schematic of a hydrofuge subtransistor coil she was working on, trying to find to find what was wrong with the broken one in front of her.

"So what'd he do to get you looking like this if he didn't sleep with you?" the Comm. Officer inquired further, inking a translation into whatever she was reading.

"Well...he told me that he never wanted to hurt me and that all he wanted to do was to keep me safe. He told me that the red head he'd left with the other night meant nothing to him and that he knew now that all he wanted was me. And then after I asked him what he wanted from me, he put his hand over my heart and said he wanted it. All of it," Kristen said, looking up from her busted coil and smiling over at Nyota who had a face of mild annoyance yet appreciation, her lips pursed.

"Wow. That's so cheesy, I think I'm actually jealous," Nyota noted, going back to her text as she continued to decipher the words.

"Shut up. It was...it was perfect," Kristen said reaffirmingly, feeling the fiery sensation in her chest she'd been feeling ever since she'd left him last night.

"Good. I'm glad. You look happy, and Kirk doesn't look like he's going to put us on a collision course with any nearby planets anymore," Uhura commented, giving Kristen a knowing smirk without looking up from her book.

"Always a good thing," she teased, unscrewing the control panel on the busted coil as she began to probe into the broken piece of machinery.

"Oh it is, trust me. Anyways, I got to get going. We're set to get a transmission from Starfleet in about an hour, and I have some adjustments I need to make to our long range audio sensor. I think Pike's the one who's dialling in, so you should come say hi," Nyota said, shutting her book and heading towards the door, waving the air atop her head once in goodbye, Kristen chuckling at the gesture.

She looked up from her busted coil a few seconds later, unable to keep the ridiculous grin off of her face as she relived last night in her head, the feeling in her chest expanding.

---------------------

"_I've never felt this way before," she said a few seconds later, her words causing him to pull back even more, far enough back that she could see his entire face._

_She stood there in silence, watching him as he watched her for a few seconds, an indescribable look on his face. Eventually, she watched him crack a crooked smile and then brush some hair out of her face, running the back of his index finger along her jaw line and down the side of her throat in such a way that she couldn't help but shiver. His smile broadened at this._

"_Me either," he said back finally, leaning in to her to gently brush his lips against her's, simultaneously breaking and mending her heart with the sweetest kiss she'd ever experienced, letting herself in that moment feel just as in love with him as she knew she was._

"_So where do we go from here?" she asked breathlessly a few seconds later after he pulled back, brushing the hair out of her face again as he surveyed her with a humorous look, an adorable crooked smile playing on his lips._

"_I don't really know. I guess we're dating?" he offered, letting go of her briefly as he rubbed the back of his head, Kristen laughing at his awkwardness. This was new territory for both of them, but especially him. It was endearing and awkward at the same time._

"_I guess so. But what does that mean?" she asked, both of them smiling and then laughing quietly, James stealing another kiss from her as he pressed his lips against her's briefly._

"_I think that means we enjoy each other's company," he said, resting a hang on her hip as she clasped her hands behind his neck, staying up against the wall._

"_Check," she said, confirming that._

"_And that we care for and respect one another."_

"_Check."_

"_And that we each think the other is incredibly attractive."_

"_Yeah, about that...," she teased, making a face that he just laughed at, Kristen grinning after a few seconds of kidding around._

"_Funny. But what I think it comes down to is trust. That you completely and one hundred percent trust the other person with your life and with your heart. Now I know we're not there yet, but I think we will be. Eventually," he said, his face going a little serious as he spoke, Kristen drinking in the compassion and kindness written all over him. He was looking at her so carefully and gently that it was unsettling, showing yet another dimension to his character that was of stark contrast to the pushy, aggressive man she'd seen minutes ago._

"_Yeah. Eventually," she said, giving a small smile as she nodded a few times, a smile slowly creeping up onto James' lips as well._

"_Anything else?" he asked a few seconds later, raising his eyebrows to her keenly as she thought about it, trying to process thought despite having almost no control over herself at the moment. _

"_I'd like to keep this a secret, for a while. I don't think it's anyone else's business, so if you don't mind?" she asked curiously, withdrawing a nod from the Captain in agreement._

"_I don't know if this is too pushy, but I don't want you seeing or sleeping with any other woman on board," she said in honesty, peering up at him cautiously as she watched his eyelids flicker in a blink before nodding once, his eyes definite._

"_Done."_

"_Just like that?" she asked, a little surprised but at the same time absolutely thrilled by the way he'd delivered the answer. It wasn't wishy washy or unsure; it was stern, deliberate, and defined. It was exactly what she'd needed to hear and just the way she needed to hear it._

"_Just like that. I told you, I'm done with them. You're the only person I want now," he said, leaning towards her and pressing his lips against her forehead before resting his there. She inhaled deeply, taking in the mixture of his cologne, his shampoo, and the smell of general boy muskiness that she then and there declared as the best scent ever. _

"_Good," she said eventually, closing her eyes as she just revelled in the moment. She'd been honest before when she'd told Kirk that she'd never felt this way before, but she could recognize the feeling she felt deep within her. It was the thrilling feeling she got whenever she stole a car; the excitement of yet a new adventure where she didn't know the outcome. Except this time, the feeling seemed to be amplified by infinity, and she loved it. Him too._

"_Me and you. What do you say?" he said after a while, pulling back from her completely as he stood in front of her, arms out stretched. She couldn't say anything for a few seconds, too dumbstruck by his body to put together any words together. But eventually, she spoke._

"_Me and you. Sounds perfect."_

_------------------_

It still sounded perfect, even twelve hours later. So perfect that as she looked up from her spot staring into space a few minutes later and saw his smiling face walking into the Tech Help room, she couldn't help but grin back. _God, he's beautiful_.

"Hey, Gorgeous," he greeted her, smiling as he walked up to the desk, Kristen pushing aside the broken coil and closing the schematic she was looking at, sliding off her stool.

"Cheesy, but I like it. Ready for lunch?" she asked as she walked around the desk, kissing his cheek before falling into step with him as they headed out towards the lift.

"Might have to cut it short though, Pike's calling in later today," he said, gently placing his hand on her lower back as they walked into the lift, Kristen grinning at him.

"Nervous?" she prodded, gently nudging his stomach with her elbow as she smiled up at him over her shoulder

"A little, but I know it's just a formality. I'm sure he's just calling in to make sure you aren't dead or something," he teased, ruffling the top of her head in an attempt to mess up her hair, Kristen protesting a few seconds later as she pushed him away, laughing.

"Mind if I talk to him for a bit?" she asked once she repositioned all of her hair, playfully hitting him on the shoulder.

"Sure. Just come to the bridge with me after lunch, he's scheduled to dial in around three," he replied as the lift came to the mess hall floor, both of them stepping off.

"Oh the perks of dating the Captain," she said as she swung her arm around his hip, his arm going to her along her shoulders naturally, their bodies fitting together instinctually. It was stuff like this that unsettled her; she was astounded by how perfectly their bodies seemed to go together and how naturally some things came to them. Last night when she was up against the wall they just seemed to fit together, like puzzle pieces. It all just seemed too natural.

-------------------------

"How's my newest Cadet doing?" Pike said, Kristen grinning at his smiling, semi-elderly face that was up on the view screen of the bridge, his eyes as friendly as she remembered them. They'd cleared out most of the staff from the command centre so that they could take the call in quasi privacy, Kristen, James, Uhura, Spock, McCoy, Chekov and Sulu the only people left.

"I'm good, Pike, how are you?" she inquired back, giving him a wave.

"Now that you're officially enlisted, that's Admiral to you, Cadet," he retorted playfully, giving her a smirk that was arrogant enough to rival Kirk's that she rolled her eyes at.

"Yeah, yeah, I got the same speech from him two months ago," she said, gesturing with her thumb over her shoulder to where Kirk was sitting behind her, hearing both the Captain and the Admiral laugh accordingly.

"Fair enough. So how are things aboard my old ship anyways, Kirk?" Pike said, turning his attention to James who was sitting back in his Captain's chair, surveying the scene with mild humour. She looked over her shoulder at him and winked, withdrawing a small smile from the Captain before he turned his attention back towards the view screen.

"She's good, sir, still flying," James started as the pair of them got into a discussion about mechanics and tactics that Kristen passed in and out of interest of.

"So things are good?" Pike said eventually, turning his attention back towards Kristen.

"Yes, sir," she said, giving a curt nod as she sat up in her chair after being called upon.

"Wow, did you hear that? She just called me sir. Nicely done, Captain," Pike said in appreciation, giving James a notable nod of the head.

"In all fairness you sent me one very resilient cadet, Admiral," Kirk said endearingly, nudging the back of her chair with his foot as he looked down at her, the pair of them exchanging a look in front of the knowing eyes of Pike.

"Oh dear god, you're sleeping with her," the Admiral muttered a second later, shaking his head.

"Wait, what?" James said abruptly as he sat up in his seat, confusion all over his face as the others in the bridge went completely silent at this new turn of event.

"I can see it in your eyes, you're sleeping with her. You know, I didn't put her on that ship so she could be just another lay, I put her there so you could learn something," Admiral Pike said sternly, glaring through the screen at all of them.

"So I could learn something?" Kirk asked in clarification, Kristen now confused as well. She knew the posting meant that Kirk was going to teach her stuff, but Pike had never mentioned James learning stuff as well.

"You didn't think it was just about her, did you?" Pike said harshly, giving Kristen a pointed look before turning back to Kirk.

"Kind of, sir," James said a little confusedly, rubbing the back of his head at this new turn of events.

"Idiot. I put her on the Enterprise so you could both learn things you both needed to learn; for Cadet Shaw it was respect, honour, hard work, integrity. For you, Captain, it was things like duty, responsibility, patience. Things that only four years of service can teach you. But since you skipped those four years and jumped right to being a Captain, I thought putting a Cadet under your direct supervision might give you some of the insight you missed out on," Pike explained, his face passing from annoyance to expectance.

"I see," James said, Kristen watching the realization set in.

"Have you learned anything from Cadet Shaw then, Captain?" Pike said plainly, giving Kirk a look with his eyes that said, 'Come on now, don't got all day'.

"I guess so, sir."

"Like what?" Pike pressed, gesturing for Kirk to go on.

"Well, like you said, her education and training was and still is my responsibility. I've had to have quite a bit of patience with her as she showed some...resistance towards me during the first few weeks aboard the Enterprise," James started, his lips twitching in a smile as he used the word resistance to describe her attitude.

"Of course there are other things, but I'll be sure to include those in my formal report," Kirk finished, giving Pike a wise look that the Admiral just laughed at, Kristen giving a smirk as well in realization of what Kirk's look was saying.

"Very well. And you, Cadet? You feel you've learned things from the Captain?" Pike asked, turning towards her with the same semi-amused look.

"Most definitely, sir," she replied back confidently, nodding her head a few times.

"Like?"

"He's helped in my tactical analysis training as well as facilitated my training with others. He's posted me in my preferred department in Engineering and made sure I've had all the equipment and tools I need. Character-wise, he has nudging me along the whole military chain of command thing which I guess falls under respect. He's given me a very healthy bit of responsibility aboard the Enterprise so that can be related to working hard and integrity as the decisions and work I do know affect the lives of everyone on board. I am definitely learning the things you intended me to, Pike," she said, evoking his name instead of his rank out of habit.

She hadn't really thought about it till then, but she really had learnt a lot from James. There was all the mechanical, obvious stuff she'd just mentioned, but a lot of other stuff as well; lots of little things she didn't know how to verbalize but knew that he was the one who showed it to her. Like how to care too much or how to lay your feelings out there despite it being awkward or confusing. He even had a lesson on going; how to trust yourself and others. They were working on it.

"Good. I'll be getting Engineer Scott's report by the end of the day, so I'll review your progress then. Lieutenant Uhura, Doctor McCoy, Commander Spock, I'll be expecting your reports as well by days end, along with yours, Captain," Pike said before bidding them all goodbye, giving Kristen a confident smile and farewell before signing off.

She was just getting up to leave when she saw Kirk rise from his chair as well, the pair of them moving in tandem over to the lift as Kristen eyed him in confusion.

"What's going on?" she asked as they stepped on together, not getting an answer a second later when he turned into her and kissed her, Kristen grinning into the kiss as her hands balled up into fists of ecstasy at the feeling of his lips on her's. He had no idea the effect he had on her.

"Have dinner with me tonight," he said nervously as soon as he pulled away, showing a vulnerability to her that she'd seldom seen before.

"I'd love to," she replied without even thinking about it, jumping at the chance to spend time with him. It seemed like so long ago she was putting together her vengeful speech telling him how bad of a person he was and now, she didn't want to go less than two hours without seeing him.

"My room, nine o'clock?" he said as the lift finally arrived at Engineering, Kirk stepping away but keeping his anxious eyes locked on her's with a crooked smile on his face, Kristen nodding once before stepping off.

"I'll be there."

-------------

She'd ditched the heels Uhura had thrown at her that night in preparation for her first actual, intimate date with Kirk for bare feet, taking comfort over fashion any day. She had however kept the loose, summery halter dress Nyota had leant her for the night since she'd fallen in love with the way the dress flowed around her. Her hair was down and in loose curls, and her face was completely bare except for a light dusting of translucent powder across the bridge of her nose, Kristen deciding against full make up despite Nyota's protests. All in all, as she took one final look in the mirror, she had to admit that she didn't look half as nervous as she internally felt.

She was the definition of nerves as she crossed her quarters and headed out her door, her feet taking her faithfully to the lift despite the colonies of butterflies fluttering around in her stomach. She didn't know the protocols for intimate dates; did she bring something? Would dancing be involved? Did she kiss him hello? It scared the hell out of her, not knowing what to expect, but at the same time she was over the moon about seeing him.

She kept hushing her mind all the way to his door, sucking in a final breath before knocking once. She stood there, bare feet with a cautious grin on her face, for a few seconds before the door hissed open, Kristen's sense immediately assailed by many things at once. Her ears heard the gentle tones of late twenty-second century Jazz music, her nose smelt the wonderful spicy dish he must have been cooking, and her eyes landed on a cozy lounge room with what looked liked hundreds of candles lit and spread throughout, her breath catching in her throat. It was incredible.

"I'm in here!" he called to her, Kristen snapping out of her revere and stepping into his quarters, not taking her eyes off the candle lit room featuring a low table in the centre of it with place settings for two, a thick white candle in the middle of it. She followed her nose and turned right, her eyes now settling in on him standing over a stove, a white dish towel thrown over his crimson red dress shirt clad shoulder. She stood in place and smiled inwardly to herself, enjoying how comfortable he looked in the kitchen as he prepared their dinner, a grin coming to his lips as he looked up from the pot he'd been stirring to look at her.

"Hey, pretty girl," he said in greeting as he came over to greet her, briefly kissing her on the lips before moving back over to the kitchen, Kristen following close behind.

"This smells delicious," she noted as he went back to work, turning from the stove towards the counter top opposite of him as he began to chop some vegetables.

"Thanks. I hope you like Italian," he noted, pointing with the sharp kitchen knife in his hand to a cookbook that was open in front of him, the page reading a delicious sounding recipe of pasta with a tomato sauce.

"You own a cookbook?" she asked after a few seconds, glancing up at him with appreciation crossed with humour and confusion.

"It's actually Ensign Jacobson's. I borrowed it from her," he replied bashfully, giving her the full benefit of his winning grin as he gave her one.

"And why'd you do that? I would have been fine eating whatever they were serving in the mess hall. And where'd you get all this fresh food anyways?" she asked gently, picking a carrot off the counter and munching down on it, feeling the crisp crack as the veggie snapped in two.

"Because this is how it's supposed to be. Romantic dinners by candle light drinking expensive wine and eating good food," he said back, looking up from his cutting board to give her searing look that seemed to penetrate her entire body and cause her heart to skip a beat.

"Says who?" she asked eventually, grabbing a piece of celery this time as she hopped up on the empty counter top beside him, letting her legs dangle over the edge as she crossed one ankle behind the other.

"Says Ensign Jacobson when I asked her what a woman's dream date would be," he replied back with such sarcastic honesty that they both laughed, Kristen reaching over and putting a hand on the side of her face, rubbing her thumb over his cheek.

"Thank you for putting so much effort into this," she said, drawing his attention back up from the salad. She watched him smile faintly and then drop the knife in his hand, moving over to where she was sitting and standing in front of her, placing his hands on either side of her body.

"I just don't want you to think that this doesn't mean a lot to me, because it does. And if that means ordering the cook to give me fresh food and standing over a stove trying to figure out what the hell a demi-boil means, so be it," he said charmingly, giving a laugh at the end of his sentence that she smiled at, keeping her hand on his face.

"Well thank you," she said before giving him a smile and leaning forward, gently placing her lips on his. She kissed him slowly but ardently, pulling on the collar of his shirt to bring him back towards her after he'd pulled away a few seconds later. She could care less about the amazing dinner he was making; she wanted to kiss him and touch him until she couldn't anymore. Her heart began to race as she kissed him again, this time deeper and with more heat as he leaned back into her, one of his hands going to her back to pull her close as well. He kissed her back this time, hungry and longing seemingly on his lips as her hands gripped the fabric of his shirt tightly, moving her hips to the edge of the counter top as he settled in between them. She was about to kiss him back when she opened her eyes just a crack, seeing the tell tale signs of steam coming up from the pot on the stove.

"James?" she whispered against his lips between butterfly kisses, trying to draw his attention off of her. She'd become so short of breath that the word seemed almost inaudible, her breathing and heart beat erratic.

"Sorry, sorry, I don't want to rush things," he said as he pulled back, giving her a few more kisses before taking a step back, his breath laboured.

"No, no that's not it. Trust me, I could kiss you forever, but remember what you said about standing over a stove trying to figure out what the hell a demi-boil is?" she asked, sliding off the counter top and landing in front of him, snaking an arm around his hip. She could feel the heat almost radiating through his body and as she turned him to face the stove by placing a hand on his chest as well, she could fell the race of his heart underneath her palm.

"Yeah," he replied confusedly, giving her a look before looking back at the stove.

"Well, sorry to interrupt everything, but that's a demi-boil," she said, pointing to the now quasi-boiling pot of red sauce on the stove, giving him a quick pat on the chest before hopping back up on the counter to try to get her heart beat back to what it was before, but knowing that as long as James T. Kirk was in her life, she'd never have a normal heart beat to start with.

**((Author's Note: Note to self: to get amazing reviews, make the characters hook up! LOL. No, I'm kidding. Anyways, thanks for the 25 odd reviews I got on that last chapter, it was AMAZING! Once again, much love goes to Jessica, my beta for being AMAZING. I'm well aware that this chapter is a little slower moving than the last one but hey, you can't have amazingly hot up against the wall kissing scenes every chapter, now can you. Well I guess you can, it just probably wouldn't be a very realistic story now, would it? =p ANYWAYS, please bear with me and hopefully you enjoyed the plot progression. If all goes well with me and how I want to write things, expect a very romance/action packed chapter tomorrow. SPOILER: There will be kissing, partial nudity, and death. =] Ciao ))**


	24. Chapter 24

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Twenty Four: If Only

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

She was laying on her stomach with her chin on her hands in front of her, her arms out stretched and bent at the elbows as she closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of the way his fingers were gently drawing patterns across her back. She was dressed in her typical plain black shorts and black tank, sprawled out on the couch in James' living room with her legs in his lap, a book propped up on her calves.

She herself had an instruction manual laid out in front of her but she wasn't really looking at it. They'd taken to doing this for a few hours before bed each night; James would usually be writing a report or reading up on new protocols and Kristen would just lounge around, keeping herself occupied by reading program coding or manuals for operating new machinery. The time they spent together was quiet but at the same time one of her favourite parts of the day; she got to see him and relax all at the same time. They'd agreed to doing this during their date a few nights ago, quickly realizing that romantic dates needing three hours of preparation just couldn't be accommodated with his schedule.

-----------

"_So how is it?" he asked as he looked up from his own plate, twirling some strings of pasta around the prongs of his fork._

"_It's great. You should definitely get the cook to make this sometime, it's fantastic," she said as she speared a piece of yellow bell pepper that he'd added to the sauce, popping it in her mouth with a smile. He smiled back at her and they ate the rest of their meal in silence, Kristen unable to keep the butterflies in her stomach down despite the good food and amazing company. She looked up every so often and stole glances at him, wondering whether or not someone could be more attractive by candlelight. Her heart palpitated irregularly as he looked up once and caught her eye, grinning wickedly at her before going back down to his food, Kristen unable to keep the blush from her cheeks. He literally had no idea._

"_So I have a confession...I don't think I'm going to be able to do this on a daily basis," he said after they'd finished eating, the pair of them curling up on one of the couches as they quietly sipped at their wine glasses, Kristen smiling appreciatively at his words._

"_I figured as much," she said a few seconds later, setting her wine glass down on the low table before curling up her legs, tucking them underneath her as she turned to face him._

"_But I do want to see you," he said quietly as he ran his hand down her arm, a gentle smile on his face. It was almost breathtaking the way the candle light reflected in his eyes but she kept her wits about her, smiling again._

"_Alright then. What time do you usually have for yourself throughout the day?" she said as she sat up, clapping her hands together once as she looked at him expectantly._

"_None," he replied sarcastically but at the same time seriously, rubbing his eyes tiredly at just the prospect of work._

"_Okay. What time do you usually go to bed?" she asked next, watching as he dropped his hands from her eyes and peered at her confusedly._

"_Excuse me?" he spluttered, his eyes wide with disbelief._

"_What time do you come back here to sleep?" she pressed, raising her eyebrows pointedly at him._

"_Kristen, I thought we were going to take it—," he started, Kristen soon after realizing why he was so confused and surprised by what she was asking. She should have known better than to ask when he goes to bed._

"_Just answer the question, James," she said bashfully a few seconds later, brushing the confusion out of the air with a wave of her hand._

"_Typically? I leave the bridge around ten and come back here and do work for a few hours before heading to bed. Why?" he said, giving her a satisfactory answer that she smiled at, his face still confused._

"_Well, that's what we'll do then. You'll call me on the computer when you're back in your room and we'll just...hang out. You can work, I can read things I should probably read, and we can just veg," she noted contently, laying out the plan for him. It was perfect; they got to see each other everyday and in a casual, no expectations setting. And a bedroom was nearby in case a make out session ever got serious._

"_I like it. Quiet, low key...sounds good," he replied back a few seconds later, both of them grinning before she took a final sip of her wine glass and slid off the couch, standing up as she stretched her arms over head in a yawn._

"_You heading out?" he asked as she moved towards the door, nodding her head a few times._

"_Yeah, it's late, and I should get going," she said as soon as they reached the door, her hands immediately going to his chest as his went to her shoulders and then down her arms, settling around her waist._

"_This was nice?" he said, his tone making the statement more of a question in such a way that she laughed, James cracking a smile as well._

"_This was really nice," she declared, rising on her tiptoes to kiss him good night, her heart skipping what seemed to be like fifty million beats as he gently pressed her lips on her's. He pulled back a few seconds later and then let her go, the door opening as she took a step back into it and then out into the hallway._

"_Night," he whispered as he gave her a final wave before the door hissed shut, leaving Kristen alone and grinning like a child in the hallway._

_She turned to go but stayed in her spot, the widest of smiles on her face. Her heart seemed to be bursting with love for him and she didn't know what to do about it in the long run, but for now she was content with just jumping up and down a few times while squealing, which is exactly what she did. She'd never been the squealing type, but she'd squeal for as long as she had to, to keep the way she was feeling right now with her forever._

_----------------------_

"Hey, what's this?" he asked absentmindedly, a few minutes later as he broke her from her reverie, her eyes snapping open as she turned her head over her shoulder to see what he was talking about.

His fingertips were running themselves over a scar she had on her lower back area around her kidneys, his hand gently nudging away the fabric of her shirt that was half covering the area.

"Is that a scar?" he asked with a hushed seriousness in his voice, shutting the book that he'd been reading and tossing it to the side, moving to get a better look at it.

She knew that scar very well. It was about four inches long and an inch wide in the middle, if she remembered what the Doctor who'd bandaged it a long time ago told her. She'd gotten that scar in particular when she was twelve after the drunken Foster dad of the time had roughly pushed her into a sharp edged corner table, Kristen coming very close to kidney damage. She'd spent three days in the hospital, only to get slapped around when she got home because her parents had to pay for her hospital bills. That was one of the worst homes she'd been in.

"Yeah," she replied back eventually as she watched him move closer to her, his eyes critically analyzing the scar as his fingers traced the shape it made along her back.

"What happened?" he said after a few seconds of looking at it, his eyes tearing themselves off the scar and over to her eyes, Kristen's heart almost breaking in two as she saw the pure, unadulterated concern in his eyes. She'd been at this crossroads before, not knowing whether or not to trust him. But this time, she took a deep breath and sucked it up, hoping that he'd stay true to his vow to never hurt her. She could trust him; she felt it with ever fibre of her being that he'd never hurt her.

"Uh...got pushed into a corner table when I was twelve. Beauty, ain't it?" she said with sad sarcasm, watching as his eyes went back down to the scar.

"Do you have any others?" he asked after about a minute of silence, looking back up at her. She nodded once and then flipped over, sitting up right.

"I have this one on my ankle. That happened when I was thirteen after my then foster dad threw a glass decanter of empty whiskey at my foot," she said, bringing her right ankle towards her and showing him the expanse of the scar that seemed to go all the way down her foot. She let him trail his fingers along it before moving on.

"This one happened when I was eighteen, I fell on a piece of glass outside an abandoned factory I'd been staying in," she said as she pointed towards the hefty scar on her left knee, the biggest one of all. It was thick and long and seemed to wrap almost all the way around her knee as well as spindle along her kneecap. She didn't wait for his digits this time and instead leant back on the sofa lying flat, gently pulling down the waist band of her shorts along her right side to reveal a long, slender scar right above her hip bone, about three inches from her bellybutton.

"That happened after another dad punched me so hard he ruptured my appendix. Had to get it removed," she said, an instant shiver going down her spin as he gently ran a single finger along the expanse of that scar, his eyes coming off of it slowly and then back to her. She sat up and then pulled the hem of her shirt up to bra level, showing him another scar that was right below the bra line of her right breast, a scar very similar to the one on her back.

"Fifteen, got pushed into a desk," she muttered finally, looking away from him as she let go of her shirt and sat there, ashamed of all the scars she had and the stories that went along with them. And those were just the big ones; she had countless little baby scars riddled all across her body, tell tale signs of the broken life she'd led. Her eyes were still adverted from his went she felt his hand gently nudge her face back towards his, his lips capturing her's in a sickly sweet smile before she could even speak. He softly laid her back, his body almost hovering flat above her's as he kissed her again, her heart beginning to race as she tasted the passion on his lips. He pulled back a second later and snaked down her body, Kristen propping her head up with a pillow as she watched him take her ankle carefully into his hands and then kiss the scar she had there, his lips warm on her skin.

She bit down on her lip as his own then moved to her knee, gently pressing his lips there as she watched him, his eyes locked on her body as he finished with her knee and moved to her hip, tugging away at her shorts. The scar became exposed a few seconds later and he kissed it, Kristen closing her eyes shut as her body was numbed by the jolt of electricity the feeling of his lips on her stomach gave her, the sensation amazing. She bit down harder on her lip to keep herself from gasping as he kissed her scar again, a second jolt going through her. She opened her eyes eventually and saw him propping himself up above her torso, his hands pushing the fabric of her shirt up to her chest, high enough so he could see her final scar. She closed her eyes again as his lips made contact, letting herself enjoy the reaction his lips produced on her skin.

She felt his lips press themselves low on her neck and then on her cheek before kissing her lips again, her eyes opening a few seconds later as he pulled away.

"I don't know what I can to do make them go away," he whispered to her as she searched her eyes, the depth of his emotion absolutely astounding to her. His eyes were saying everything she'd ever wanted to hear and for a second it was as if the world was at a complete stand still. They weren't on a ship travelling the universe; they were just a man and a woman too in love to even recognize what the hell was happening elsewhere. Her heart expanded so wide in her chest that she was sure it would explode.

"I think you just did it," she replied back almost in audibly as she reached up and kissed him, needing to feel his lips on her's. He kissed her back so painfully sweetly that it was almost unbearable, her hands edging their way underneath the hem of the loose yellow shirt he'd been wearing as they began to explore his chest. She raked her fingernails down the expanse of his abdominals and smiled into lips as she felt him give a throaty groan, loving the way her fingers rose and fell along the defined muscles.

Her eyes were still closed as she felt his lips move from her's down to her neck, Kristen gasping out loud as he kissed the exact spot he had just nights ago where her pulse point was, unable to keep it quiet this time. She pushed the fabric of his shirt higher on his body, high enough that he got the hint and pulled himself away from her to take it off, Kristen helping him with laboured breath as they pulled it over his head, faint smiles on both of their faces. He dropped back down to her neck and her hands immediately went to his back, her eyes shut in ecstasy as his lips travelled lower and lower, now placing butterfly kisses along the top of her chest. She could feel his hands gravitating towards the hem of her own shirt when they were suddenly rocked by a jolt to the ship, the movement so great that Kirk was thrown off of her and onto the floor.

"Kirk, we need you on the bridge. A Klingon warbird just dropped out of warp and has just engaged us," Sulu's voice said a second later as both of them recovered from what had happened. They exchanged a horrified look before scrambling into action, Kristen grabbing James' shirt on the way out as they sprinted for the room, hot on his heels as they headed towards the lift.

"What the hell are the Klingons doing so far out of their neutral zone?" she asked him as they slid into the lift, Kristen handing him his shirt as they rode up to the bridge, thankful that it was a short distance. Her mind was racing at ideas as to why they were being attacked so far from Klingon territory, unable to find an answer.

"I have no idea," he replied bitterly as he pulled back on the loose yellow shirt, giving her a cautious look before stepping off the lift that deposited them on the bridge, both of them mobilizing into action.

"What's going on, Sulu?" she heard Kirk say as she went to the Engineering control board, pulling off the headset from the Ensign and immediately asking for a damage report from Monty.

"The bird dropped out of warp behind one of Haydrs' moons, sir. We didn't even see it until it hit us a second ago," she heard Sulu cry from the centre console, Kristen still busy assessing the damages engineers were calling in.

"Why isn't it firing back?" Kirk asked automatically after.

"I managed to destroy some of der veapons platform, Captain," Chekov replied, Kristen looking up from the Engineering board to turn to look at Kirk.

"We've got a small section on level nine that's venting atmosphere but Monty managed to seal it off. No injuries or casualties reported," she called to him, taking off the headset and tossing it back to the Ensign, moving over to him.

"Sir, we're being hailed from Haydrs, it's Lieutenant George," Uhura interrupted a second later, standing up from her panel and looking towards the screen.

"HELP US! WE'RE....ATTACKED....KLINGON WORSHIPERS...GET...OUT...SOON," a staticky voice called through the now silent bridge, the voice of the Lieutenant hazardous and desperate. Everyone took that in for a split second before Kirk spoke.

"It's not going to take them long to repair their weapons. Cadet Shaw, I need you to get to Transport and beam out the five man negotiation team we have down on Haydrs. They'll have easy to locate beacons on them. I guess we can say those rumours of Haydrs being a Klingon-associated planet are true," she heard Kirk say, the last part as an afterthought and mostly to himself, as she sped off, running to the lift at full tilt in bare feet before hitting the level she needed, waiting impatiently. Eventually she came to level and she sped off, her feet slapping the hallway floor violently as she ran into the room, tearing the headset off the head of the lonely Ensign occupying the room.

"Five man team?" she asked as she pulled the head set on, standing directly over the control panel as she began scanning the nearby planet for the homing beacons Kirk mentioned, locking onto five signals. She also saw the life signs of several nearby Klingons on her screen, a new piece of technology Monty had installed soon after her and Kirk's adventure on Qo'nos.

"Get them out of there, Shaw!" he cried to her, Kristen locking onto their signal as soon as he gave word. Her heart was pounding in her ears, her mind racing at a thousand miles an hour and her breathing was erratic; she needed to get them out of there, stat, especially with the group of Klingons headed their way.

"Lieutenant George this is Cadet Shaw. Stay where you are, transport in four, three, two...NO!" she cried as one of the beacons fell dead, four beams of light suddenly erupting on the bridge but not a fifth, Kristen trying desperately to find the fifth beacon that she'd lost two seconds from transport.

"COME ON! NO!" she yelled again as the biometric scan of the planet lost the one remaining life sign that was the fifth team member, Kristen looking up just in time to see the end of transport and the four bodies appear.

"What happened? Where's Ensign Iona?" one of the team members asked a second later, Kristen's heart beating so loud in her ears she almost didn't even hear the question. One of the team members hadn't made it back, and the lack of life signs on the planet told her only one thing.

"I..."

"He was shot by a Klingon just before transport. They got him right on the chest where his beacon was," another team member supplied, Kristen unable to speak. Her mind grinded to a halt, her body going still in shock as she realized what had happened. It was an out of body experience, or at least, that's how she'd describe it later. She could see herself, the shocked, devastated look on her face and the hollow look in her eyes. She couldn't process this; she'd had five beacons locked on and set for transport and yet, only four were here.

Dead.

She stumbled back against the wall of control panels, her hands grasping on to anything they could as she began to heave breaths, hyperventilating. It wasn't registering with her head but her body was sure responding as she fell to the floor a second later, her knees giving out.

The next few minutes were a whirlwind of different things; people flooding the Transporter room, Kirk carrying her to the Sick Bay, but none of them sunk in. Neither Kirk nor Pike had prepared her for anything like this. They'd taught her respect, hard work, integrity, and diligence, but they'd never told her about the day she'd be responsible for the death of someone. All she could think about was what she had done.

If she hadn't of asked for clarification, he'd still be alive.

If she'd amped up the transporter's abilities like she'd intended to, he'd still be alive.

She knew it was irrational and that she hadn't been the one who'd pulled the trigger, but she couldn't shake the body gripping feeling that she'd caused Ensign Iona's death. _If only I'd gotten him out of there faster. If only._

_**((**_**Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed it. Much love again goes out to Jessica, she's the best. Stay tuned, keep reviewing, and thanks for all the amazing support))**_  
_


	25. Chapter 25

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Twenty Five: Safety

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

"Kristen?"

The crew had put together a memorial in the Transporter room after news spread of Ensign Iona's death. Candles were lit, fake flowers were placed on the transporter pad, and pictures of the Ensign were set up in respect. The word of the newest casualty aboard the Enterprise spread like wildfire, as did how it happened. She hadn't been the one to pull the trigger, but whispers and rumours sure made it seem like she had.

Numb. If she had to use a word to describe how she felt, that'd be it. Numb with guilt and a touch of sadness. She'd never thought that she'd be partly responsible for someone's death someday. She hadn't signed up for this when she'd told Pike she was in two months ago. This hadn't been in the contract. Life aboard the Enterprise was supposed to be nonstop challenges and amazing times. Not depression because you may or may not have killed someone.

She'd been sitting in the transporter room for almost two whole days now, her body and mind catatonic as she tried to deal with what had happened. It seemed outlandish, that a split second decision she made inadvertently caused the death of an officer, but in a way it had. If she hadn't asked Kirk for confirmation, Ensign Iona would have gotten out of there alive. But because she'd asked and wasted three precious seconds, he was dead. The overwhelming feeling of guilt she had been carrying around for the past two days were insurmountable; she didn't know where to go from here.

She looked up briefly from the picture she'd been staring at, his face officially engraved in her memory forever before locking eyes with Kirk, his face sad and tired. She knew from things she'd heard throughout the day that he'd been dealing with the death of the Ensign heavily as well, as all good Captains did. But more than that, she'd heard that Ensign Iona had apparently been a good friend to Kirk; they knew each other from the Academy and Michael Iona had proven himself a loyal friend on many occasions to James, or that's what people said at least. _Michael._ She hadn't even bothered to ask what his first name had been until someone mentioned it in passing. _Michael. _

"You've been here for the past two days," he said quietly as she turned back to the memorial, her face stoic and emotionless. She felt him slide down and join her on the floor against the glass wall that separated the transporter room and the control room, her back against the glass. She was sitting there like a mannequin, still as a doll with her legs outstretched in front of her, head laying limply to the side. He was right; she'd been sitting there like that for the better part of two days and had no intention of leaving in the foreseeable future. She didn't know how to cope with this, but sitting there felt like a good option.

"Have you gone to sleep?" he asked about a minute later, his voice quiet in the silence of the room.

"Not tired," she mumbled back, not taking her eyes off Michael's face.

"Have you eaten anything?"

"Not hungry."

"Kristen...," he started, his voice careful and cautious. She cocked her head to the side automatically and looked up warningly, her eyes dead and hollow as they reflected what she felt on the inside.

"Just don't, James. I just...just don't," she said quietly, her voice tapering off at the end as she lost her words, turning her attention back towards the candles and flowers in front of her.

"This isn't your fault," he said back a second later, his tone higher and more aggressive as he spoke this time.

"Doesn't feel that way," she mumbled, her eyes still locked on the picture a few feet away from her.

"You aren't the one who shot him," he countered, keeping his voice hushed. She could see out of the corner of her eye that he was turned and facing her, concern and sadness etched all over his beautiful face.

"I may as well have," she replied quietly, remaining still.

"Don't say that," he hissed at her as soon as the words left her lips, with such aggression that it actually startled her. She looked up from the photo and turned to him, her face flat. She couldn't feel anything so there was no emotion on her face to discern.

"It's true. If I hadn't asked for clarification, he'd still be alive," she explained in a dead tone.

"Maybe. But then again, if I hadn't ordered that team down there he'd still sure as hell be alive. And if the Federation had never assigned us to begin peace negotiations with the people on Haydrs, he'd still be alive. If he'd never enlisted, he'd still be alive. Trust me when I say this, Kristen, a game of 'Ifs' is not a game you want to play," he said quietly to her, looking at her square in the eyes to try and make her understand. She looked down for a second and closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath.

Deep down, she knew he was right. There were so many variables in the situation that it was irrational to think that she, herself, was solely responsible for his death. But that did nothing to stem the guilt she felt.

"I don't know how not to play it," she whispered back a second later, looking up into his eyes one last time before turning back to the memorial, feeling the first slightest bit of emotion she'd felt in the past two days.

She brought her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around them, resting her chin on her knees. She felt him drape an arm across her shoulders and he pulled himself in close to her, sitting with her there in silence for God knows how long.

------------

She didn't know when she'd fallen asleep, but the next thing she knew she opening her eyes in a different room, Kristen's eyes immediately going to her surroundings and then to who was sleeping beside her.

They were curled up on James' bed, the pair of them laying on top of the covers with his arm tightly around her, her head on his shoulder. Her hand was on his chest, feeling the gentle rise and fall of the breaths he was taking as the air filled and left his lungs. She laid there for a second, letting the up and down of her hand lull her calm before she moved an inch, his body responding a second later as he awoke.

"Hey," he murmured down to her as he opened his eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the light.

She didn't respond, but instead shifted out of his arm and sat up, crossing her legs in front of her and turning to face him.

"I didn't even know him," she said to him as he sat up right to face her, his hair sticking in every which direction and his eyes still opening and closing, confusion and then realization passing on his face.

"Kristen...," he said in the same, caring tone in which he'd said his name before, Kristen once again going to cut him off.

"What was he like? Someone said you guys were friends?" she asked, needing to fill the void inside of herself that had only seemed to grow since it had happened. She needed to feel something, anything, other than guilt.

"He was...he was a great guy. Smart, funny, nice...he was a great guy. Everybody loved him," he said quietly as he looked away, staring off into space as he spoke, a small smile creeping onto his face as he thought of his friend.

"And I killed him," she muttered to herself, looking down at her feet and putting her hands to her hairline, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She heard James exert a frustrated sigh before speaking.

"Kristen, look at me," he said sternly, gently taking her shoulders into his hands as she looked up, his eyes locked on her's with firmness throughout them.

"You did not kill him, a Klingon did. This is not your fault," he finished, giving her another definite look.

"It doesn't feel that way," she whispered, pleading with him to understand. Her eyes were begging with him to try and comprehend how she felt and miraculously, she watched him let go of her and nod once curtly as if he did in fact understand.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to tell his mom he's not coming back," she heard Kirk said quietly a few seconds later, shaking his head once and then leaning back on his bed, Kristen's heart immediately sinking.

She'd never even though about his family. Kirk was right; a mother, a father, potentially a sister or brother, and maybe even a wife would have to be told that their loved one wasn't coming home. That added a whole new dimension to her guilt, one that she once again didn't know how to handle.

"I gotta go," she muttered a second later, heading towards the door and out of his room without another word. She couldn't just sit around anymore and do nothing, she was past that stage of her grief. She'd mourned and grieved and now it was time for her to do something, anything, to keep her mind off how she was feeling on the inside.

-----------------

The beads of sweat running down her face were stinging her eyes, clouding her vision as she threw another punch, the bag swinging heftily. She'd come down here shortly after she'd left Kirk's room for some therapy she knew she needed. Not many things in life for her couldn't be sorted out after a few deft punches to a canvas bag, and she was banking on that to get her through this. She'd hit the damn thing all night if she had to, as long as when she finished everything made sense and she was done feeling the way she did.

She'd been at it for a while and so far, no dice. Even though she was focusing on her form and following through with her punches, Iona was still at the back of her mind, haunting her like a ghost. It'd been days since it happened but still, the guilt wasn't getting any easier to bear. So she just threw another punch, trying to figure it all out. And then another, and then another.

She heard him before she saw him, hearing the door hiss open and shut as someone entered. She heard footsteps pad across the gym floor and then a body come up behind her, Kristen telling instantly by the cologne that it was him.

"So this is your coping mechanism?" he asked a second later, Kristen's eyes stinging at the sweat that was dripping into them. She didn't take her eyes off the bag for a second though.

"Better than just sitting beside the memorial doing nothing," she said in between laboured breaths as she threw another punch, the sound of fabric on canvas echoing.

"That's debatable. When are you going to stop doing this, Kristen?" he asked her tiredly in a tone that rubbed her the wrong way, only fuelling the fire in her. She'd gone from numb guilt to fire burning emotion in less than three days, and she was unleashing hell on the bag in front of her for what seemed like no good reason.

"As soon as I stop feeling the way I do," she replied again breathlessly as she timed her next hit, swinging her arm around.

"I mean hitting the bag. Punching it doesn't give you all the answers," he said to her quietly, still out of her range of vision as he stood behind her.

"No, but it sure as hell makes me feel better," she countered, shimmying to the left a bit before throwing another punch, finally seeing him slide into view.

"Does it? Is it making you feel better right now?" he asked her even though she knew he already knew the answer.

"No."

"So then why don't you just stop, and we can talk about this," he said as he took a step forward, grabbing the bag and stilling it as she swung a fist and collided it with the limp bag.

"I don't want to talk, James. I can't," she said as she avoided her eyes, throwing another punch as he held onto it.

"Why not?" he asked gently, his tone ever so slightly condescending that it pushed her over the edge, her nerves snapping.

"Because you won't understand! Every time I've told you how I feel, you've told me it's not my fault, but that doesn't make me feel any better. You weren't the one who made a decision who basically ended someone's life, James," she responded, exasperated as she finally looked away from the bag and over to him, bringing her fists down and resting them on her knees as she tried to control her laboured breathing.

She shook her head and then ripped off her gloves, not wanting to yell or fight with Kirk tonight, not after all the progress they'd made. They'd come so far, and she'd already opened up to him so much that she didn't want to ruin it. She didn't want to push him away but in this case, she didn't know how to let him in.

"Are you forgetting who told Michael to go? We talked about this, Kristen. We're not going to play that game," he pleaded with her, taking a step forward to try and console her.

"Well, it's a little too late for that," she griped back, bringing her hands off her knees and standing up, hands on her head to aid her breathing.

"Don't do that," he warned as his head cocked ever so slightly to the side, his eyes flashing.

"Do what, stand up?" she replied sarcastically, taking a deep breath to try and fill her lungs.

"No, push me away," he said cautiously, looking at her with expectant blue eyes and a pointed face.

"I don't want to, trust me," she said back, shaking her head as she looked away.

"So then don't," he pushed, taking another step towards her. He was close enough now that he reached out with one hand and steadied her, keeping a hand on her waist as she stopped pacing around.

"I don't know how not to in this situation," she said honestly, once again pleading with her eyes for him to just stop and try and understand.

"Start by telling me how you feel," he nudged gently, his face gentle and neutral as she contemplated her words, shaking her head a few times.

"I can't," she muttered, looking away in shame.

"Why not?" he replied back with aggression and annoyance, his face changing to firmness and aggravation at her answer.

"Because I don't know how I feel. God, I'm angry at the Klingons for killing Iona, I'm angry at myself for not beaming them out sooner and for not getting to know him. I'm sad that he's dead, and I'm sad that you have to deal with his family. I'm frustrated by everything and by not being able to just let go of this and realize that it's not my fault. I just...I don't know how to deal with this," she said, finally feeling the sting of the optic nerves that signalled the three day late tears.

She hadn't cried when it happened, nor had a single tear fallen in the three days that had past. She'd felt ashamed at first; she should have cried. But instead she remained emotionless, going without sadness or grief and instead just living with guilt. Then came the anger and frustration she was feeling today, and that seemed to be her boiling point.

"I don't know what to do," she said as her eyes became glassy with tears, trying to avoid his eyes but finding his heartfelt stare unavoidable.

He didn't say anything for the longest time. He just stood there in front of her with his hand on her hip, the saddest of looks on his faces as she cried silently, tears running down her face and leaving wet tracks in their wake. Everything was spilling out in that very moment, and her mind was absolutely overcome with the hurricane of emotions she'd been keeping at bay for the longest time.

She turned towards the bag a few seconds later and unleashed a bare knuckled punch, grunting in anger. She hit it again, and again, and again, the tears blinding her and the emotion inside of her causing her to feel no pain. She felt a pair of hands on her hips a second later that spun her around, her fists now beginning to collide with a solid chest that she knew was James'. She hit him softer and softer and then eventually gave up, letting his arms wrap themselves around her as she continued to cry, unable to stop. She hated feeling vulnerable and weak, but she didn't know how to stop it.

She may have been a lot of things in that very moment, but being there with his arms around her gave her a feeling of inexplicable safety. A safety that, despite everything else, made her feel more at ease then she had in the past three days.

**((Author's Note: You all rock. Please drop me a line letting me know your thoughts. Means a lot, and see you guys soon!))**


	26. Chapter 26

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Twenty Six: Virginity

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

"Hit me"

She didn't hesitate like she did the last time he asked her to hit her. Instead, she swung a punch but found that it didn't hit its desired target as he moved out of the way, dodging the punch.

"You aren't listening to me, babe. Remember, always keep your eyes on me" he said as he continued to jockey in his position, bouncing from side to side.

He'd started training her shortly after her break down in the gym, understanding that she needed something to keep her mind off the ever present guilt she was facing. She was grateful that he'd dedicated his lunch hour and the few hours they used to spend relaxing in his bedroom to her and getting her hand to hand combat ready. It was a great distraction and a great way to funnel everything she was feeling towards one task, which was currently her trying to beat the crap out of James. They'd been at it for a few days and everyday when she woke up, she found herself an inch closer to normal than she had been the day before. Her progress was slowly but it was coming; and all because of him. It was almost inhuman the way he was able to understand her. He wasn't clingy or overbearing or overprotective; he was there when she needed him and didn't pressure her or push her like he usually did. He was just there. Nothing more, nothing less. If anything, it made her love him more.

She dropped her fists and gave her limbs a good shake before bringing them back up, beginning to jockey much like he was. She lunged and punched again, James deflecting the punch with one of the hand held cushion pads he was holding.

"Good. Remember, fist goes where you're looking" he said as he nodded appreciatively, putting his padded hands back up. She wiped her brow with the back of her hand and then pulled off the gloves she was wearing, tossing them to the side.

"How about we fight for real. Cut this hit the cushioned target crap" she said breathlessly as she stretched her arms, rotating them in her shoulder sockets several times before cracking her neck as she turned her head sharply to either side.

She watched him chuckle appreciatively and then pulled off the cushions on his hands followed by his shirt, Kristen's eyes going immediately to his almost perfect abdominal section.

"I'm not going to hit you" he said as he came back to the sparring mat, her eyes still glued onto his middle. He snapped his fingers a few times which broke her from her revere, Kristen grinning at him without embarrassment. She wasn't ashamed to admire him; he was gorgeous.

"That's so not even fair" she complained as she pointed to his bare chest, James just smiling wickedly at her.

"That's sweet, you're saying I'm distracting" he said as he cocked his head to the side and put his hands in his sweat pants pockets. He had such a smug, arrogant look on his face that she just laughed, looking away as she gave a sigh.

"So we're playing that game?" she countered as she pulled off her own tank top, revealing a black sports bra. She wiped her face with her shirt and then tossed it away, grinning back at him as his eyes raked over her now shorts and bra clad body.

"Distract away, I'm still not going to hit you" he countered as he finally took his eyes off of her and brought them up to her eyes, her hands busy retying her long hair into a pony tail.

"Fine. I'll hit you" she said as she brought her bare fists up and slowly began to circle the mat, James doing the same but keeping his fists down. They were grinning each other as they rotated around, Kristen full of aggression and spice as James just looked cool and collected. She was itching to go and he was just walking like it was nothing.

"You can try" he replied wittily, as they continued to circle each other, fire in her eyes as he antagonized her.

That was all the motivation she needed. A second later she was lunging across to him and the next thing she knew he was behind her with her arm weakly twisted on her back to try and do her no harm.

"What'd you do wrong?" he asked, his lips close to her ear and his breath tickling her neck, Kristen using almost all of her will power to try to not shiver. She could feel his skin on her bare back and that was almost enough to make her turn around and jump his bones right then and there. But instead, she just closed her eyes and sucked in a breath, stilling herself.

"Closed my eyes when I threw my fist" she muttered as he let her go of her and she jogged to the opposite side of the mat, giving her limbs another good shake. This was the first time they'd sparred since she'd started training with him days ago and she knew she wasn't going to be perfect, but she was expecting better from herself.

"Don't close your eyes this time" he warned as they began to circle each other again, Kristen gritting her teeth with concentration. They continued to circle around each other again and like last time, she lunged forward and began the exchange again.

This time, it ended with his elbow an inch away from her stomach, his eyes peering up at her cautiously as she took in the fact that she was once again beat.

"Didn't anticipate" she mumbled this time as he got up and took a step back, his body beginning to glisten in sweat which only added to the distraction. She closed her eyes and refocused, channelling all of attention to beating him. She needed to prove to herself that these past few days of working her ass off to be a better fighter was paying off and that she was making progress.

"Just focus and remember everything I've taught you" he said to her quietly as they began circling each other again, Kristen's fire burning in her chest.

She wait longer than usual to make the first move but eventually, she engaged him in hand to hand fighting. She focused on her movements, blocking a faux punch here and deflecting a fist there. They went at it for the better part of the minute before it ended with his elbow an inch from her face, Kristen once again fuming in anger. The scenario where he beat her happened four more times till eventually, she pushed him away from her and cursed at herself angrily, stomping a foot down on the mat in frustration.

"Hey, just relax. You're doing fine" he said encouragingly as he separated from her and smiled, putting a hand on her shoulder for comfort.

"I'm losing, how is that fine" she bit back to him as she glared, frustrated for not performing better. She needed to win, and part of her just wished that James would let her beat her, but at the same time she respected him for not letting her. He knew she'd only get mad if he let her win so he just persisted; she was going to have to earn it, which is what she wanted to do.

"This isn't about winning, this is about being a better fighter. Chances are when you fighting someone they aren't going to be as good at this as I am. So just relax and focus on your training" he said as he kissed her temple affectionately before going back to his position across from her on the mat, smiling at her.

"And if I do meet someone who's as good as you?" she said humorously as she brought her fists back up and begin to bounce, feeling like a lion getting ready to pounce as they circled each other.

"Just flash them that killer stomach of yours and they'll be putty" he countered sarcastically with a grin, both of them smiling before going back to work.

It took a little longer for them to begin fighting again, but soon enough she was lunging forward and a combination of movements eventually brought them to the floor.

She was pinned down for a second by James, his body hovering above her's with either hand on one of her wrists, his knees propping him above her. They stayed like that for a second, Kristen stunned at the position they were in and the smirk on James' face before she retaliated, using a few deft movements to gain the upper hand and eventually pin him down, straddling his hips as she held down his arms.

"Take that" she whispered to him as she finally gave into the urge and kissed him, feeling the heat of his skin and the pulse of his heart just through his lips.

"If this is what the sex is going to be like, count me in" he said as soon as she pulled back and gave him a mischievous smile, Kristen laughing outright as she climbed off of him.

"About that..." she started, moving over to her water bottle as she took a swing, relishing the cool liquid. She didn't know how to tell him that she was a virgin; he was so experienced and as of less than a month ago, she hadn't even kissed a guy. His experience level intimidated her, but the way she saw it, she'd rather him know about it now than when they were making out heavily on a bed sans clothes. Their relationship had been based on full disclosure, but she just didn't know how to tell him.

"No, I get it. No pressure, none so ever. It'll happen when it happens" he said as he slowly got off the mat and joined her by their stuff in the corner, snatching her bottle from her hand and taking a hearty swing.

"No, James, it's not that. I want to, I do. I just..." she exasperated, trying to put into words what she needed to tell him.

"What is it?" he asked gently pulling on the shirt he'd discarded a few minutes ago. The shirt was halfway over his head when she blurted it out, sucking up the courage and letting it go.

"I'm a virgin" she said before cringing, screwing up her face in a contorted way as she watched his reaction. He stopped all movement for a second but regained it back a second later, putting his shirt back on with robotic movements.

"You're a what, now?" he asked in a hushed tone for clarification, looking at her with a mixture of confusion, surprise, and disbelief.

"A virgin" she repeated, keeping the face as she watched him further react to this news. She didn't know how it would change things between them, but she had faith that it wouldn't matter. At least, she hoped it wouldn't.

"Wow" he said quietly after about a minute of silence, her eyes watching his face pass from confusion, to surprise, to incredulity.

"I know I'm 23 but its like, you have to keep in mind that—" she spluttered, blurting out her reasoning in a mess of words.

"Kristen"

"No, just let me finished. I was like in and out of prisons and working jobs and—"

"It's alright"

"—I just didn't have time for boys let alone sex. And besides, sex should mean something—"

"Kristen, it's alright. Actually, it's better than alright. It's perfect"

She stopped talking this time and just sat on the bench she'd been sitting on, a stupid look on her face as she watched him walk over to her slowly and crouch down.

"And you're right. Sex should mean something and for me, it hasn't meant something other than needing a sexual release for a really long time. Which is why I'm more than happy to wait until you're ready" he said as he gently put his hands on her knees and looked at her dead in the eyes, the way he was looking at her sincere enough to withdraw a smile from her lips and a new round of butterflies from her stomach.

"I must have done something to please the karma gods because you are far too perfect" she said in reply as they both chuckled appreciatively, Kristen out stretching a hand and putting it on the side of his face as he just smiled, his eyes gentle.

"Thank you" she said quietly to him as she just looked at him, taking him in. He'd changed so much in the two months they'd known each other; he'd become this wonderful man who was such a big part of her life now. He'd managed to get her through one of the most troubling times in her life and she had her sanity because of him.

"For what?" he replied back with a smile on his face but confusion in his eyes.

"These past few days, being there for me. I don't think I would have gotten through them without you" she said as her fingers played with his ear and the hair on the back of his neck, giving him a genuine smile for appreciation.

"You would have. You're knuckles would be shot to hell but, you would have gotten through it eventually. I have no doubt in that" he replied back with humour as he took her hand off his face and gently kissed her palm, rising in his spot as soon as he'd done it.

"We should call it a night. Tomorrow's the day you go back to work in the Transporter room so, you should get your sleep" he said over his shoulder as he turned to gather their stuff and fold up the mat, halfway across the room before she even caught on.

"Wait, what?" she asked in clarification as she pulled on her tank, wanting to make sure she heard him right.

"You heard me" he countered over his shoulder once again, collecting her gloves and chucking them to her from across the room.

"James, I don't think I can—" she began, her stomach now in knots. She hadn't been back to that room since it'd happened, and despite how good she felt right now and how far she'd come from how she used to be, she didn't know if she could go back into that room.

"You can. And you will. Kristen, if you can't do it now who's to say you'll be able to do it three months from now? You can't run forever, and besides...the room's a mess of idiot Ensigns trying to figure out what the hell you did in your subroutine" he said earnestly before giving her a grin, throwing an arm over her shoulders and kissing her temple affectionately as they walked out, the lights in the gym turning off behind them.

-----------------

"So I told him I was a virgin"

She watched Nyota's head perk up and her eyes go wide, the Communication Officer completely abandoning the ham sandwich she'd been in the middle of eating.

"When?" Uhura asked in a hushed tone, her face eager with anticipation of finding out new information.

"Last night, in the gym" Kristen replied quickly, spooning some pudding into her mouth.

They were sitting at a table in the mess hall eating lunch, Kristen contemplating telling Nyota or not but eventually choosing to spill the beans because if anyone could give her sex advice besides James, she guessed it'd be Nyota.

"And?" Nyota pressed, her eyes lighting up.

"And what?" Kristen asked, confused at what Uhura was asking.

"And what did he say? Was he surprised, angry, upset? What did he say?"

"He said it was fine. That he was tired of meaningless sex and he would wait as long as he had to until I was ready" Kristen let out in a breath, raising her eyebrows to emphasize the point she was making.

"Wait, hold on. James T Kirk said he would wait for sex?" Nyota asked with critical eyes, needing clarification.

"I know, right? I was surprised too" Kristen said as she nodded her head a few times, leaning back in her chair.

She'd been very surprised at James' answer last night. She hadn't expected the answer he'd given her, but then again, he'd done a lot for her that she hadn't expected.

"Wow" Nyota breathed a second later, running a hand absentmindedly through her long pony tail as she took in the information.

"Yeah" replied, nodding once.

"That's big" Uhura said a minute later after contemplation, giving her verdict.

"You think?" Kristen asked, pursing her lips and cocking them to the side in thought.

"Like really big. Like, I'm pretty sure he's in love with you big" Nyota declared, opening her eyes to Kristen expectantly.

"Nyota, stop" Kristen said a second later, blushing slightly as she tried to brush away the topic. She'd thought about it before, whether or not Kirk loved her. But she'd told herself that it didn't matter; she loved him and when the timing was right, she'd tell him. She didn't need him to love her back just yet, she just needed him to like her a lot.

"What? The only viable reason for Kirk to have turned into this wonderful guy is because he's in love with you and he's being the guy he thinks you deserve" Nyota said, giving her two cents on the situation as always.

"Or he's just trying to be a better person" Kristen countered, leaning back towards the table as she rested her elbows on the edge.

"Maybe. But I got to tell you, the way he looks at you...I gotta tell you, that's love, darling. It's love" Nyota finished as she gave Kristen one final expectant look before rising, leaving Kristen alone to ponder.

Was it love? She was pretty sure it was on her end but she'd wait and see for herself if it was on his.

**((Author's Note: *knocks on screen* Hello? You there? Where were you guys last chapter? Lol, anyways, hoped you like the chapter. As always, MUCH love to Jess, my beta. The vision of a battling Kristen/Kirk gives me goosebumps. Anyways let me know what you think of the chapter and I'll see you guys tomorrow! Please read and review, as always!))**


	27. Chapter 27

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Twenty Seven: This Couldn't Be Happening

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

Her hand went absentmindedly to her neck, fiddling with the delicate silver chain and the pendent that was laying flat on the pate of her chest; a small, silver key accompanied by a gold lock. She was busy going over some programming Monty has tasked her to assigned when she realized she was doing it again; she'd taken to playing with the necklace when she was focused on something out of habit a few days after he gave it to her.

---------------------

"_What's up?" she asked as she looked up from her book, finally succumbing to his stare after ten minutes of his unnerving eyes staring at her while she worked. She watched him grin slowly and then tilt his head to the side, his eyes dancing._

_It'd been over two weeks since the transporter accident and things were nearly back to normal with her. Despite some lingering feelings of paranoia whenever she stepped into the transporter room, she felt that she, for the most part, was back to the person she used to be. And all thanks to him. _

_They'd been cooling off from their work out in his room like they always did, coming back there for an hour or so to relax before heading off to their separate bedrooms. This day hadn't started any different than any of the others and yet as they laid there together on one of his couches, she could tell something was bothering him._

"_Nothing, its nothing," he started, tearing his eyes off of her for the first time in ten minutes as he looked back to the manual in front of him, Kristen just chuckling as she looked back at her book._

"_Well, actually. We've been together for, what, a month now?" he asked a few seconds later as he looked up, his eyes cautious as he looked at her._

"_There abouts," she confirmed, raising an eyebrow in suspicion. What was he playing at?_

"_And we care about each other, right?" he asked again with the same cautious look, Kristen getting a little more concerned this time as she gave a laugh, smiling at him._

"_I'd hope so," she said with a wink as she watched him rise from his spot on the couch, throwing his manual on to the coffee table in front of them._

"_I have something for you," he declared as he jogged barefoot deep into his suite and rummaged around in his room, Kristen hearing the sounds of many drawers opening and closing before he jogged back, her breath catching in her throat as soon as she saw what was in his hand._

"_Don't get like, freaked out by it or anything. I just want you to have it, that's all," he said as he flopped down beside her and handed her a black velvet box longer than it was wide with a silver trim, a nervous smile on his lips and look in his eyes as he peered at her expectantly._

_She didn't say anything for a few seconds as she stared at the box in her hands, her heart palpitating like crazy and the butterflies putting on a circus in her stomach. Slowly, she pushed open the lid of the box and peered inside, staying silent as her eyes locked onto the box's contents._

_It was a simple silver chain with two small ornaments on it; a silver key and a gold lock. It wasn't extravagant or flashy, but its simplistic elegance stuck her down to her very core. She knew the symbolism behind the two trinkets, which seemed to affect her even more._

"_My mom gave that to me when I was eighteen. She said that she'd always hoped to give it to her daughter but since she never had one, I was her next best thing. My dad gave that to her when they were dating because he was a lot like you; guarded, closed off, cautious. It was a sign, I guess, to let her know that he was willing to let her in as long as she wanted to be let in. It wasn't the key to his heart though, it was the key to his soul. At least, that's how my mom tells it," he said as she drew her eyes off the necklace in her hands and up at him, his eyes a cross between anxious and endearing._

"_I guess I kind of see how that is kinda the case with us too, just the other way around," he finished as he gave a smile, Kristen knowing her face was still stoic and still. She was struck dumb with shock; no one had ever given her something like this before, let alone for the reasons why he was giving it to her. Her heart was pounding in her ears now and she seemed incapable to take a desperately needed breath._

"_This belongs to your mom?" she asked slowly as she looked back down to the necklace, her fingers gently running themselves along the cool metal._

"_She told me that when I found someone I respected, cherished, cared for, and could laugh with, that I should give that to them as a sign that they have my soul. Anyone can give their heart away, but it takes a real special someone to give away their soul," he noted as he nudged her gently with his fingertips, gently brushing her arm._

"_And you want to give it to me?" she asked cautiously as she looked up, peering at him with unadulterated nervousness. This was big; it wasn't the 'I love you' big she'd been waiting for, but it was getting there._

"_Yeah," he said as he gave a faint smile, nodding his head once as it tilted again to the side._

"_Why?" she asked, verbalizing the question that had been gnawing at her brain._

"_Because I...I, uh...really do care for you Kristen, a lot. And you do have my soul. I'm beginning to think you know me better than I know myself, babe," he chuckled meekly as he fumbled on his words, rubbing the back of his neck with a hand as he looked at her with a cross between embarrassment and anxiousness._

_She'd never been a stickler for tradition, but she felt as if he should say it first before she did. He'd been so close to saying it that in her mind, he did. He'd say the three little words that were supposed to make every woman swoon, especially if you loved him back. But he didn't, so all she did instead was take the necklace out of the box and hand it to him, sweeping her hair up so he could clasp._

"_Thank you," she whispered in a quiet voice as he fastened the catch and let the necklace fall into place, Kristen feeling his lips trace themselves along her shoulders and neck. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling, never tiring of the sensation given by his lips on her skin. She sighed inwardly and swooned anyways, too caught up in the moment to care about the logistics of it all._

_It may have not been love, but it was sure as hell a big step in the right direction._

_-------------------_

"Cadet Shaw, you are requested on the bridge."

She looked up from her book towards the ceiling and shut her book, dropping her hand from her neck as she slipped off her stool. She headed towards the door of the help desk and shut off the lights, jogging the rest of the distance to the lift, her long curly hair bouncing on her shoulders as she slid into the lift and pressed the bridge. She was there within seconds and walked briskly out of the lift, her face brightening instantly as she heard his voice.

"Seriously, Spock—"

"It is merely an opinion. Whether or not you choose to acknowledge it is of course at your own discretion."

"We're not talking about this right now, alright?"

"Yes, sir. We shall discuss this further when you return."

"Return? Where are you going?"

She poked her head around the computer console and saw the two of them standing on the Captain's platform talking, a disgruntled look on Kirk's face that cleared up immediately upon sight of her.

"Hey. Yeah, well, I'm due for my eight month review as Captain, so I'm beaming aboard another vessel where an Admiral is posted right now to get my evaluation," he said as he rubbed the back of his head tiredly, giving her a sheepish grin. He hadn't told her about his evaluation which rubbed her the wrong way slightly, but she digressed.

"Ah. How long should that take?" she inquired nonchalantly as she looked over at Sulu and Chekov, feigning disinterest.

"A week, tops," he replied in the same sheepish tone, automatically telling her that he knew deep down he should have told her sooner. She felt her heart drop a few centimetres towards her stomach at the prospect of not seeing him for seven whole days but then she recovered; she lived for 23 years without James T. Kirk in her life, she could get through another seven.

"Oh, wow. So what is it you wanted to see me about then, Captain?" she said as she looked back at him, giving him a reassuring smile that told him that she understood.

"Well since I'll be gone for the time being Commander Spock will be resuming the role of acting Captain, leaving his position as Science Officer available. There's a lot of shuffling within positions that's going to be done for the next few days while I'm gone but, long story short, we've talked it over and we'd like you to assume the role of Bridge Engineer while I am away," Kirk said diplomatically with a keen smile, giving her a concealed wink that she grinned inwardly at.

"Bridge Engineer?" she asked in clarification, never having heard the term before.

"Yes," James confirmed, giving a nod as his eyes remained locked on her's.

"What does a Bridge Engineer do exactly?" she asked for more clarification, her eyes flickering between Spock and James.

"They basically have access to all the Engineering systems aboard the Enterprise. Comms, Transport, Weapons, Propulsion. You usually just sit there and make sure everything's all good and tell us when it's not," James explained in layman's terms, Kristen giving an easy nod.

"Cool, sounds like fun," she said in agreement, giving both of them a smile that only one of them replied to.

"Perfect. Anyways, I need to get packing, but Spock, can you familiarize Kristen with the controls?" he asked as he clapped the Commander on the shoulders before heading from the bridge, giving Spock the con as well. She watched him walk all the way out of the bridge and out of sight before she shook her head, mumbling something under her breath.

"Cadet Shaw, if you'd follow me?" Spock said as he gestured to the control panel to his left, Kristen drawing her attention to him and nodding once despite the fact her focus was still on James.

"Is everything alright, Cadet?" Spock asked as they walked over to the control board, looking at her with the slightest concern in his eyes.

"Yeah, I just...its nothing," she replied in disregard, giving her head a shake.

"You are wondering why Captain Kirk did not inform you of his evaluation," Spock said with definition, practically reading her mind. She looked up at him from the control board and nodded once, surprised.

"Yeah," she said, smiling at him weakly. Despite the fact that he showed no emotion, she could tell that Spock had deeper emotions than any of them. Just the way he cared for James was endearing.

"I would not worry. He perhaps did not inform you since your courtship was proceeding along nicely. Maybe he did not want to halt the progress that was being made at the prospect of a week apart," Spock said wisely, providing a prospective she never thought of. What he said made much more sense; very James, if she knew him at all.

"You think?" she asked, biting down on her lip as she still maintained a grin, looking at him sheepishly.

"I do. However, that should not distract you from the work we have to do, so I must ask for your focus as I explain the controls," Spock said authoritatively, turning his head back towards the control board as Kristen just smiled, feeling way better about now that Spock had put it into terms that she understood.

----------------------

"Think you can leave without saying goodbye, Sailor?"

She was standing outside his door, her arm leaning against one side of the door frame as it slid open, Kristen finding his face on the other side.

"Of course not, I was just finishing packing. Scared I was going to leave?" he teased, kissing her on the cheek as she walked into his room, giving a grin.

"Of course not. I just needed to get some of my stuff before you left and locked away some of my most precious belongings for a week," she retorted as she began to gather some books and other materials she'd left there over the span of their relationship, piling a stack quite high on his coffee table.

"You're not upset that I didn't tell you, are you?" he asked slowly as she went to work, gathering everything she saw was her's.

"I was a little confused at first but then Spock kinda set me straight," she said, moving over to his closet and pulling out a black shirt before dousing it with his cologne, tossing it on the pile of books.

"What's that for?" he asked in confusion as he pulled a few books from his bookshelf in his common room and tossed them into an open duffle bag in the floor that she saw was already packed full of clothes.

"For when I get lonely and sad that you aren't here," she explained as she sat on the arm chair of one of the sofa's in the room, hearing him give a laugh as he continued to pack.

"And what do I get of yours," he called over his shoulder as he bent down to zip up the bag, tossing it towards the door once the zipper had fastened shut.

"I don't think you can fit into any of my shirts, James," she teased as she watched him come over to her and stand in front of her, taking her hands into his own as she stood to face him.

"Fair enough. You going to miss me, pretty girl?" he asked as he put his arms around her waist and her hands went to behind his neck, clasping them there.

"Already do," she said quietly as she looked up at him, her eyes careful and cautious. She watched him turn his head to the side, close his eyes and inhale once as if trying to clear his mind. His face looked almost pained, as if he were suffering from something, but she brushed it away, knowing that he'd tell her if something was up.

"Strange, isn't it?" she said a few seconds later after an unsettling silence.

"What's strange?" he asked as he opened his eyes, glancing at her quizzically.

"This. Us. When I got here, I couldn't stand being near you and now...seven days without you here seems like eternity," she said, playfully knocking him on the shoulder.

"Yeah. I know what you mean," he said appreciatively as he gave a small smile and brushed some of her loose, wavy hair out of her face, running the back of his fingers along her jaw line.

"I got to go get ready for your transport, but I thought I'd come and say goodbye now, since I can't exactly kiss you as passionately as I want to in front of the rest of the crew," she teased as she released her hands from behind his neck and grabbed onto his shirt, pulling him towards her as her lips crashed onto his. She felt his hands clench around her hips as he pulled her into him, her hands balling the fabric of his yellow Captain's shirt so tightly she knew they'd leave wrinkles.

She didn't know how long they'd kissed for but eventually, she pulled away from him and took a deep breath, both of them panting with racing hearts.

"Wow," he whispered to her after a little while, Kristen grinning mischievously as she captured his lips in another kiss. She pulled back and then pushed him away playfully, laughing as James wiped the lip chap she'd transferred to him off of his lips with his thumb.

"That's so that you don't screw some random skank aboard the other ship," she teased as she moved towards the door, signalling for it to open before stepping through the doorway.

"Wouldn't dream of it," he called to her from his spot in his common room, giving her a cheeky wink that made her heart skip a beat.

"Good luck, James. I'll see you in a few," she said as the door hissed shut, Kristen heading towards the lift feeling considerably more empty than when she'd arrived.

-------------------------------

"Lieutenant Uhura, please hail the USS Yorkshire, ask them if they're ready for transport. The Captain's set for launch," she said through her headset, a small orange piece of glass in front of her left eye displaying visuals into the bridge as her hands went to work prepping for departure, Kirk waiting by her side with his bag over his shoulder.

"Yes Cadet, hailing the USS Yorkshire now," Nyota replied a second later, the room filled with the Comm Officer's voice.

"USS Yorkshire? Antares Type, transport. That's where you're doing your eval?" she asked as she pulled off her headset, giving him a surprised look.

"Yep. Admiral Brown's awaiting," he said with a grim nod and a sarcastic smile as he moved into the transporter pad room, taking his spot on one of the small glass humps.

"Well good luck, I'm sure you'll do fine," she said reassuringly as she gave him a concealed wink before pulling her headset back on, returning to the control panel.

"Cadet, USS Yorkshire is ready for transport," Uhura said a second later, Kristen looking up and seeing James give her a swift nod. She nodded back once and then began the start up sequence, waiting for his mark. She looked up after a few seconds and saw him smiling faintly at her, an incredible look in his eyes that almost made her melt right then and there.

"See you in a week, Kristen. Energize."

-----------------

She buttoned up the last button on the black dress shirt, taking a deep breath as she did so to inhale the last lingering scents of his cologne, feeling her heart ache at the smell of it. God, she missed him.

The week had almost crawled by, getting progressively slower as the days went on. He was scheduled to come back tomorrow night, and she couldn't have been more thrilled. She never thought she'd feel this way; the uncontrollable need to see him and be around him was absolutely foreign to her. She used to pride herself on her independence and now, she depended on him like nothing else. It was so strange to need someone in her life the way she needed him now, and although part of her was scared about how accustom she'd gotten to having him, she wouldn't have traded the way she felt for anything.

She was just reading over to set her alarm for 7AM the next morning when she heard the two beeps of her door emit from the room's speakers, Kristen asking the computer to identify who was there at one in the morning.

"Lieutenant Uhura requests entrance into your quarters," the computer said coolly as she pushed the covers off of her and headed towards the door, hearing the sound of her fists banging on the metal a second later.

"Whoa, what's up? Ny, what's wrong?" she ask as the door slid open to reveal a frightened looking Nyota, her face stricken with shock and horror.

"There's been an accident," Nyota managed to spit out as Kristen heart began to race, her mind whirling at what could have possibly gone wrong to elicit such a response from the Comm Officer.

"Nyota, what happened? What's wrong with the Enterprise?" she asked as the pair of them moved towards the lift, Kristen's mind still racing. _Did an engine explode? Water tube? Electrical fire?_

"Not the Enterprise. The Yorkshire," Nyota said in a dead tone, Kristen's heart stopping all together as her lungs found it considerably harder to take a breath. They stopped in their tracks.

"What?" Kristen asked a few seconds later after she regained most of her bodily functions, staring at Nyota critically. Her mind was working faster than it ever had, trying to identify the best and worst outcomes of the situation. She was assessing the probabilities, and not liking the statistics.

"They were attacked an hour ago by Klingon vessel," Nyota said, again in the same robotic tone. Kristen only noticed now the tear tracks along Nyota's face, making her heart stop again. _No..._

"Kirk?" Kristen asked a second later, not sure whether or not she wanted to know the answer. Her heart and lungs stopped as she waited for Nyota's answer, her mind shutting down too. He had to be okay.

"We managed to lock onto his life sign beacon and Scotty just beamed him out of there," Nyota said, the words catching in her throat.

"Is he alright?" Kristen pressed, needing and answer. She needed to know.

"It's not good, Kristen," Nyota said, the Comm Officer's eyes glassing over with tears as she shook her head, Kristen standing freakishly still with a stoic look on her face. What did that mean, it's not good? Was he alive? Was he missing a limb? What was it?

She went to ask another question but found Nyota crying silently, Kristen remaining stoic and fierce as she pulled Uhura to the lift and hit the sick bay level, waiting as the lift moved at what then seemed to be an antagonizingly slow pace. The lift doors eventually pulled back and spat them out, Kristen dragging Nyota by the arm all the way down the isle and into the infirmary where they were immediately assailed by bright lights, loud sounds, and vivid colours.

She'd never seen the infirmary so busy. Ensigns and doctors were running around crazily, and she watched from the doorway as McCoy spat out orders while attending to the person laying in a bed crowded with people, sweat dripping from his brow and onto his blood stained scrubs.

Blood.

She felt her knees go weak but found a strong arm latch onto her own to steady her, her eyes going up to find Sulu holding her up and Spock appearing next to Uhura, consoling her. He had a fierce, concerned look on his usually stoic face, and Sulu looked nothing short of devastated. The sense of fear and terror in the room was so thick it was almost palpable.

"Fredrickson, prep the OR. Anderson, hook him up to a bag of saline, stat. Let's go people, he's lost a lot of blood!" McCoy called from his spot by the bed as the people seemed to clear, giving them a clear line of sight to who was laying there, injured.

He was almost unrecognizable. His face was bruised, cut, and almost covered in dried blood. His clothing was burned and ripped to shreds, and she spotted at least seven dangerously deep contusions on his chest, arms, and legs. His right arm was bent at an odd angle and a bone along his collar was jutting out hazardly, almost breaking the skin. He had burns what seemed to be everywhere. He looked terrible. She felt bile rise in her throat but she kept it down, feeling Sulu's grip on her arm tighten.

This couldn't be happening. He was supposed to be coming home tomorrow. She hadn't even told him that she loved him, yet.

This couldn't be happening.

**((Author's Note: Let me know what you think. Sorry for the delay, but I took a few days off. Thanks for all the awesome support, means tons. You all rock, see you all soon))**


	28. Chapter 28

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Twenty Eight: White Picket Fence.

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

"_Anderson George and Sophie Winona Kirk, you two get your butts back here right now!"_

_She was standing on the deck outside her backdoor, her arms folded over her lime green tank-topped chest as she glared out to the two kids chasing a soccer ball in the yard in front of her. She put a hand to her brow to shield her eyes from the sun as she watched the two kids scamper towards her, their features becoming more and more prevalent as they got closer._

_Anderson was practically a miniature James, with her signature green eyes. He had the same brassy dirty blonde hair and arrogant smirk that James had, just in a smaller package. He was tall for a seven year old, taller than his younger sister at least. Sophie looked just like her, but with James' crystal blue eyes. She was five and was slowly developing the same fiercely independent nature she herself was so famous for, down to the sharp wit and no tolerance attitude. They were kids, alright. And they were their kids._

_She felt a pair of arms snake their way around her waist and a chin rest itself on her shoulder, her nose immediately picking up on the scent of the man she'd fallen so desperately and crazily in love with. She raised a hand from her side and put it on his cheek, grinning as she felt his lips press themselves on the side of her face._

"_Have I ever told you how sexy you look when you're being all motherly?" he half whispered, half growled into her ears as she bit down on her lip, turning around in his arms to face him._

"_Have I ever told you how sexy you look all the time?" she whispered back as she pressed her lips against his, feeling him give a throaty groan as she softly ran her hands down the side of his neck, chuckling against his lips._

"_Ew, Mommy! Stop kissing Daddy!" she heard Sophie cry as the kids scampered up the deck stairs and towards their parents, the little kids snaking their way between their parents._

"_Only if I can kiss you instead!" Kristen cried as she pulled away from James and bent down to pick up her little girl, smothering the girl with kisses as her family laughed, James doing the same with Anderson._

_The karma gods had really smiled on her the past ten years. She'd graduated from the Academy after two blissful years on the Enterprise, gotten married to the man she loved, and had two beautiful, amazing children. Everything had fallen into place and now she was living this fairy tale life that she never in a million years thought she'd be living. Everything was perfect, right down to the white picket fence._

_She'd never imagined herself in a big, colonial style house with a white picket fence outside and a minivan in the driveway used to shuffle kids back and forth from their various events. But now that she had it, she wouldn't trade it for the world. If you had asked her ten years ago where she saw herself when she was thirty-three, the most probably answer you would have gotten was 'in jail'. But instead, she was living the opposite._

_After James and herself finished showering their kids with love they retreated in side, the kids running down the hall and up the stairs to gather their things for their overnight trip to Grandma Winona's for the weekend. She moved into the kitchen and started rinsing some dishes, trying to keep the stupid smile off of her face as she heard James humming a tune behind her._

"_How are things going at the Academy?" he asked her a few minutes later as he looked up from the desk he'd sat down at, his eyes looking at her over the top of the black square framed glasses he was wearing. She looked over her shoulder and smiled before looking back down at her hands, cleaning off a plate._

"_They're good. Monty came by the other day and gave a guest lecture on his theory of transwarp beaming so, it was nice to see him for a little while. And with the Federation?" she asked him moving on to a glass._

_James had taken up a liaison job with the Federation shortly after they'd gotten married. They'd discussed it and agreed that a spaceship was no place to raise children, and they both desired a family. So, they'd settled down on a nice piece of land in sunny California and started spitting out kids, getting a boy and girl just as they'd wanted._

"_Good, I'm just helping Captain Spock try and broker a peace treaty with the Cardassians. It's not coming along very well though," he muttered as she glanced over at him again and saw him go back to work, his brow furrowed in concentration._

"_I'm sure you'll figure something out. I have faith," she said out oud as she looked back down at her soapy hands. She was just about to finishing cleaning a small dessert plate when she felt a pair of hands drop themselves down on her shoulders and lips press against the side of her neck, Kristen automatically grinning._

"_Stop it," she teased as she gently elbowed him away, finishing with the plate before towel drying her hands, turning around with her hands kept on the counter behind her to face him._

"_God help me, but I swear to you I'm going to love you till the end of time," he said to her with a faux Southern accent, smirking at her before leaning into kiss her, her heart still palpitating as irregularly as it used to. She'd never get used to the way he kissed her and the way he made her feel. And truth was, she never wanted to._

"_I can't believe you said that to me instead of traditional vows at our wedding," she muttered as he placed his hands on the counter behind her, trapping her in between his arms._

"_In my defence, I wrote some pretty solid vows," he said defensively, surveying her expectantly with the same arrogant smile playing on his lips._

"_The man has a point," she agreed, looking off to the side and giving an appreciative laugh before looking back at him, her hands going to the belt loops on his jeans as she hooked her thumbs through them._

"_I told you that you were beautiful and that every time I looked at you, you took my breath away," he said humorously as he leant forward and placed a kiss on the palette of her chest right at the hem of her tank top, right above her cleavage._

"_You did," she confirmed, smirking at him with mischief in her eyes._

"_And I told you that your soul was so awe-inspiring that it made me want to be a better person, a person I thought you deserve," he said a few seconds later, placing a kiss further up on the base of her neck, his lips soft._

"_You did," she said again, giggling a little to herself as she watched him pull back with unadulterated passion almost pouring from his eyes._

"_And then I finished by swearing in front of a church full of people that I was going to love you till the end of time. And I am," he said finally, leaning forward, placing a final, searing kiss on her lips._

_It lingered this time, Kristen feeling him bring a hand off the counter and up to the side of her head, cradling it gently as she kissed him back. She felt the intensity begin to grow, his lips becoming a little more desperate as her hands detached themselves from his belt loops and moving to his waist, balling the fabric here as she pulled him closer to her, her head beginning to spin._

_She was just about to take it deeper when she heard a distant honk of a horn and the sound of tiny bodies running downstairs, immediately pulling away from him as she remembered where they were, who they were, and what was upstairs._

"_The kids," she whispered as her face went to an expression of surprise as she looked up at James who was looking just as shocked as she was before breaking out into a grin, the pair of them laughing as if they'd just shared an intimate joke._

"_Mom, Dad, Grandma Win is here!" Anderson called from the staircase as they shuffled down the hallway to say goodbye to their kids, Kristen pulling open the door to wave to Winona who was sitting in a SUV in front of their house._

"_Now I want you to remember all of you manners, alright? Please, thank you, you're welcome. Offer to help with the dishes after dinner, brush your teeth before bed and say your prayers, alright?" she said as James helped Anderson and Sophie pull on their jackets and backpacks, winning smiles on both of their kids' faces._

"_Yes, Mom," Anderson replied dryly before giving her that James T. Kirk arrogant smirk, Kristen chuckling as she kissed both of her kids on the cheek goodbye and shuffled them towards the door, James coming to meet her as they watched the two of them run towards the SUV._

"_We made some pretty great kids didn't we?" she heard him muse as he slung an arm over her shoulder, Kristen laughing as she saw Anderson and Sophie scramble into the back set with ecstatic looks on their faces. They both waved goodbye to Winona as she waved back at them before pulling away, the pair of the waiting until the car was turning off their street to shut the door._

_The door wasn't even shut yet when she felt his strong arms pick her up, feeling like a doll in the safety of his arms._

"_Goodness me, James Tiberius Kirk. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you have dishonourable intentions," she teased with a fake Southern accent as he carried her up the stairs, a grin on his face and a wicked look in his eyes. He carried her all the way up to their bedroom, dropping her down on their plush white comfortable with a laugh before propping himself over her, hovering mere centimetres above her._

"_Oh, I have dishonourable intentions. Don't you worry," he muttered as he leant down to kiss her, her heart racing like made and anticipation coursing through her veins. She snaked her hands up his shirt and began pulling it up, breaking her lips from his for a split second as she pulled it over his head, crashing back onto his as she tossed the shirt in a random direction before her hands went back to exploring the expanses of his chest, desperate to feel his skin._

_She felt his tongue rim her bottom lip, begging for an entrance she was more than willing to give. His hands were going to the hem of her tank top as their tongues began battling for dominance, Kristen once again breaking apart from him for the split second necessary to discard her own shirt to reveal a sleek black bra, his hands immediately going to her back to undo the clasp. His mouth moved from her own as he began to trail kisses down her neck and between the valley of her now naked breasts as he pulled the undergarment free from her body and tossed it to the side._

_She closed her eyes and revelled in the sensation, her body being shocked with what seemed like bolts of electricity as he kissed her, stopping at her belly button before rising once again to face her, looking down at her with those crystal clear blue eyes that still to this day made her knees weak._

"_God, you're beautiful," he whispered as he took a second to look down at her, brushing some hair out her face. She smiled up at him faintly before flipping over and straddling him, leaning down to his level as she kissed him again, her hands going to either side of his face. Her heart felt like it was about to explode; it wasn't possible to be this in love._

"_Just shut up and kiss me."_

--------------------

"_Do you ever miss it?"_

"_Miss what?" he asked, turning his head on his pillow to face her._

_They were lying in a tangled mess of sheets on their bed, clothes strewn around the room as they lay their tiredly, trying to regain their strength._

"_Being aboard the Enterprise. Do you ever miss it?" she clarified, asking a question that she'd been thinking about asking for close to eight years now._

"_No. I don't," he replied without even thinking, her heart skipping a beat with how definitive and sure of himself he'd said his answer._

"_Why not?" she pressed, raising her head off of his bare, perfectly sculpted chest to look at him, expectation in her eyes._

"_Because my life now is more than it ever would have been aboard the Enterprise. You, the kids, everything...I wouldn't have had it if I was on the Enterprise," he replied, giving her such an endearing look that she almost melted._

_She just looked at him for a seconds before giving a low groan, shifting her body up so that she was now lying on top of him almost completely, her hands on either side of his face._

"_God, I love you," she whispered, leaning down to kiss him gently. She heard him chuckle before replying._

"_I love you too, pretty girl. And don't you ever forget it."_

--------------------------

She didn't know how she was awoken from her dream, but the next thing she knew she was looking at a severely bandaged and bruised James laying unconsciously in front of her. Groggily, she pulled her head off of her shoulder that she'd apparently fallen asleep on, her neck aching in protest. She blinked a few times to readjust her eyes to the brightness of the infirmary before looking back at him, giving a sigh.

The dream had seemed so real, so vivid. It was as if she'd fast-tracked the next ten years of her life, and bam, there she was. She loved the idea of a future with James, especially if it turned out anything like the one she'd just dreamed it to be. But a future with James would require him to get through his current predicament, a feat that she feared may be just a little too great for him.

Nyota hadn't been exaggerating when she'd said it was bad. A severely fractured arm, a broken collar bone, two broken ribs, and enough blood loss that she was surprised he was still alive. He'd been beamed in two days ago, and she hadn't left his side since, curling up on the chair beside his bed and keeping her hand locked tightly with his, refusing to let go.

She wanted a future with him. She wanted two kids, a job at the Academy, and a white picket fence.

But she needed him to wake up first.

**((Author's Note: Much thanks to Jess, my wonderful beta. Hope you liked the chapter, it is short but then again I think it packs a punch. Anyways, drop me a line with your thoughts, they're much appreciated. Thanks for all the wonderful support))**


	29. Chapter 29

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Twenty Nine: Bedside Manner

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

Her eyes were trained on his chest, watching as it rose and fell with every breath he took. The steady beep of the heart rate monitor noised absentmindedly in the background, her ears almost oblivious to it now. She'd been here for so long that things didn't even faze her anymore; the beep of the monitor, nurses coming to check on him and change his saline bags, nothing.

It'd been about a week since they'd gotten him off the Yorkshire. From what McCoy had told her, he was healing nicely and was almost out of the danger zone. Most of his internal injuries were on the mend and all of his bones were healing. He was out of the woods, but still unconscious. As he had been for the past seven days.

She wasn't a religious person, but she'd been praying every night to a God who could hear her to make him okay. Apparently they'd been listening because she could see vast improvements in him; his body wasn't as bruised, his face was almost back to normal and they'd taken him off of the respirator. He was going to be fine. But he needed to wake up first.

She brushed some hair out of her face, pulling the blanket McCoy had given to her a few days ago after realizing that she wasn't going to leave until he was awake over her legs, the midnight chill beginning to settle in. Everyday around midnight the ship cooled down a few degrees to cut back on energy demand. She hadn't really noticed the temperature change until her third night in the infirmary, still dressed in her plain black shorts and his black dress shirt, feeling the chill. Nothing had really changed since that night, except for half of her clothes. She'd gone back to her room for a quick shower last night and had changed out of the shorts and into a pair of black flannel pants, opting to keep the black shirt on. It still smelt like him a little, which comforted her in a way that she couldn't explain. It was like he was still with her; consciously at least.

She adjusted her grip on his hand and closed her eyes, saying her prayer before heading to sleep herself.

"Please let him wake up soon. Please let him wake up soon," she muttered under her breath a few times before giving a defeated sigh, opening her eyes back up to get one final look at him. She stared as his face for a few seconds before yawning, shifting in her seat to get comfortable when she saw it.

The flutter of his eyelids.

She sat eerily still as she watched his eyelids flutter open and close a few more times before she felt the hand her fingers were wrapped tightly around move, his own fingers extending out slightly before curling around her own. She heard a deep groan rumble deep within his chest before his eyes slowly opened, blinking furiously to adjust to the light, his blue eyes revealing themselves slowly to her.

Her heart started to race as she stood from her seat, the blanket falling to the floor as she rushed to his side, standing over him with a grin on her face as she watched him groan again before smiling weakly, his eyes locked on her's.

"Hi," she said breathlessly, finding it hard to breathe with the way her heart was pounding in her chest. She watched him adjust his head slightly, groan in pain one more time before replying, his voice gravelly and hoarse.

"Hi."

--------------

"Inject me with one more needle and see what happens, Bones."

She looked up from the book she'd been thumbing through and gave a laugh, watching as James gave McCoy a threatening look with his eyes as he held his arms up ready to fight the Doctor if he came at him with another hypospray.

She'd called for Bones shortly after he'd woken up last night, the Doctor running into the Sick Bay at full tilt with his pyjamas still on, tricorder in hand. He'd proceeded to give James several different injections before ordering him back to sleep, saying that he'd come check on him in the morning. And sure enough, at exactly eight AM the next day McCoy came striding in dressed for duty, the hypospray poised in his hands to make more injections.

"It's either injection or death, you choose," McCoy threatened, loading the next dose into the injector.

"You're telling me if you don't inject me with that, I'll die?" Kirk asked blankly, giving the doctor a surprised look with his face that was still on the mend. She gave another chuckle and then looked back down to her book, keeping an ear on the conversation.

"Are you deaf now too? Is that a new symptom?" McCoy asked with medical sincerity, rapidly changing out the hypospray to something else.

"Bones, just stop. Look, I'm fine," James pleaded in such an earnest voice that the both of them looked up from what they were doing with expectancy literally pouring from their eyes.

"Okay, I'm not fine but seriously. I'm all jacked up on fifty different types of drugs; can you give my liver a break?"James pleaded, rolling his eyes once before looking at both of them with exasperation.

"Fine. But if you suddenly keel over because of an Orillian lung maggot, don't come complaining to me," McCoy said curtly before turning and heading off, grumbling something or other underneath his breath.

"How are you feeling?" she asked as she shut her book and tossed it onto the bedside table beside her, rising from her seat and moving over to his bed as she sat beside his hip, looking at him with gentle eyes.

"Well, it's hard to breathe, and it feels like I've been hit by several trucks but other than that, I'm alright. I'll recover," he said, giving the slightest shrug of the shoulders before wincing, his muscles and bones protesting the movement. Her eyes swept over his damaged, injured form and looked away, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes.

"Thank god," she muttered, feeling pain for seeing him so broken up. She shook her head and then looked back over at him, knowing that any pain he was feeling would be far greater than anything she could ever imagine.

"How are you?" he asked, his voice still a little gravelly as he tilted his head slightly to the side, faint humour in his eyes as he surveyed her.

"How I am should be the least of your worries," she scoffed, sweeping her hair into a loose bun at the base of her neck before giving him a smile, glad to be able to look into his eyes.

"Well, it's not, so . . . ," he pressed, giving her a smirk as his eyes lit up, Kristen unable to keep herself from laughing as she gave her head another shake in disbelief. He was the only person she knew who would be able to look at anyone the way he was looking at her now despite his current physical condition.

"Let's just say I'm a lot better now that you're conscious," she teased, both of them giving a chuckle but cutting it short as James winced visibly in pain.

"Was it that bad?" he asked, his face now serious as he took a long drink of water, sitting up in his bed. She watched him move slowly and painfully, her eyes finding all the tell-tale signs of him feeling excruciating pain but not wanting to show it.

"Worse," she replied simply, not taking her eyes off of him.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, looking down from her eyes and to his hands.

"Don't even go there, it's not your fault," she said honestly, gently putting her hands on top of his, giving him a reassuring smile.

"Still. I remember the way I felt after I saw you lying there in the Engineering hallway and that's not a feeling I'd wish on anyone," he said, peering up at her with vulnerability and caution in his eyes.

"It was pretty bad," she whispered, this time looking down at her own hands. The past week of her life had been one of the worst in her life, ranking up there with the days she was in prison. Seeing him lying there, unable to do anything, was terrible. It was one of the worst feelings she'd ever experienced, and she never wanted to feel that way again.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that," he said after a few seconds, this time putting his hands atop of her's. She stayed silence for a few seconds as she digested everything, giving her head a good shake before turning back to him, a smile on her face.

"Yeah well, let's just call it even," she teased falsely, watching as he gave her a weak smile.

"Fair enough," he said with finality, his eyes going distant as they both looked away from each other, taking everything in.

The past week had taught her more about herself and her feelings than anything else. She'd known before that she was in love with James, but this week told her that it was definite; she loved him more than she knew, and the pain of watching him suffer the way he was, was killing her on the inside. She wanted to do something to make it all feel better, but she couldn't. If this week had taught her anything, it was this - she was irrevocably and helplessly in love with him.

"I don't know what I would have done if you'd died," she whispered a few minutes of silence later, keeping her eyes trained on the fake flower arrangement on his bedside table.

"Welcome to the club," he replied quietly, raising his good arm and resting it on her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Promise me you'll never go off ship and get attacked by Klingons again?" she asked sarcastically as he slid his hand down her shoulder to her hip, resting it there comfortingly. She cracked him a smile that he returned back, giving her a lopsided grin as he tilted his head to the side to appraise her.

"Only if you promise not to get shocked to hell when working on a phaser," he teased back, both of them giving a light chuckle as she shuffled forward on his mattress a bit, sitting closer to his torso.

"God, look at you. You're all broken," she exasperated, giving another laugh as she looked down the expanse of his body.

"On the outside," he said, giving her an odd look with her eyes as he put a faint smile on his lips. She cocked her head to the side and looked at him curiously, confused. What did he mean, on the outside?

"What do you mean?" she asked in clarification, giving him an questioning look.

"I'm broken on the outside. But on the inside, I'm more together than ever," he explained, keeping the same smile and same odd look in his eyes.

She didn't say anything this time. She just kept on looking at him, her eyes changing from curious to surprised as the smile on her lips grew a little wider as she waited for him to explain. His words were huge, as most of his gestures lately had been, but she needed clarification.

"I was kinda a wreck when you came onboard a few months ago. Between the random sex, the arrogance...You've somehow managed to put me all together again. Like that thing that fell off a wall in that old nursery rhyme," he said, giving a cocky smile as she laughed at his comparison, shaking her head as well.

"Humpty Dumpty?" she supplied, giving him a faux expectant look as she kept the smile on her face.

"Yeah. That thing. You managed to fix me," he finished, taking another sip of water from the cup that was resting on the bedside table beside him. She kept smiling at him for a few seconds before her eyes once again raked themselves over his wounds, the smile slowly fading.

"I wish I could fix you on the outside," she said quietly, gently running her fingers along the expanse of his torso that she knew was injured because of the bruises he was sporting.

"If you could, we'd have no need for Bones," he teased, withdrawing a smile from her lips.

"Very true. And he already has such a superiority complex that we should leave the mending to him," she said, bending over him and giving him a gentle kiss, barely brushing her lips against his.

"I'm injured, Kristen, but my lips are perfectly fine," he whispered as he reached up with his good hand and put it on the side of her face, gazing searingly into her eyes as she grinned and bent back down, giving him a deeper kiss.

She let her lips linger on his for a few extra seconds before pulling back, grinning again as she watched him keep his eyes closed with his lips still poised in a kiss.

"Hmmm, I missed that," he murmured, keeping his eyes closed for a few more seconds before opening them, giving her a wicked look.

"Yeah well, get better, and there's more where that came from," she said as she rose from his bed, giving him a wink as she headed out of the sick bay to go grab lunch, feeling better now that he was awake and kissing her.

-------------

"How's my favourite crew member doing?" she said as she strode into the sickbay a few days later, dressed, freshly showered, and changed as well as fed. She'd taken the past couple of days off to spend it alone, taking some time to refocus and get herself back together. She didn't want James to see the mess she'd been the past week; she wanted him to see pretty, sarcastic, smart Kristen. The one he'd hopefully fallen in love with.

"Aw hell, Kristen, you're making me blush," McCoy retorted in an odd round of sarcasm as he looked up from the medical tablet he was editing, give her a grin. She smirked back and tossed some of her curly brown hair over her shoulder, giving a faux foxy look.

"McCoy, that's cute. I meant him," she said as she broke her pose, walking over to James' bedside to find him sitting up with his legs dangling over the edge, a loose black v-neck on his chest and his arm in a sling.

"I'm doing good. Just waiting for Bones here to cut the cord," James replied as he held up his wrist, showing the medical bracelet that was dangling from it as he glanced at the doctor expectantly.

"Yeah, yeah. So these are for pain, these are anti-inflammatory, and these for antibiotics," McCoy replied as he set down the tablet and tossed James three pill containers, each containing a different coloured pill.

"What, nothing for my ego? You've always been telling me that needs work," James retorted sarcastically as he tossed the pills to Kristen, giving her a wink as he smirked continually at the doctor.

"Oh look, sarcasm. Yeah, you're fine," McCoy snorted as he went back to the tablet one last time before sliding over in his stool to James' side, producing a pair of scissors before promptly cutting of the medical ID.

"All thanks to you, Bones," James said with his traditional sarcasm, clapping McCoy on the shoulder with his good arm as he gently slid off the bed and onto his feet, hobbling over to Kristen who handed him a cane to help him walk.

"Get out of here," McCoy said as he gave a chuckle, finishing up the tablet before sliding across the infirmary back to his desk, an unusual grin on his lips with his eyes crinkled from the smile.

"You really need to work on your bedside manner," James chipped to McCoy as he hobbled from the Sickbay, Kristen beside him with a gentle hand on his shoulder to help him along, a grin on her face as well as she watched the exchange between the two of them.

"You aren't paying me for bedside manner," McCoy clipped over his shoulder, tossing the tablet onto the desk beside him as he pulled out a file to work on, clicking open a pen.

"Very true. I get it for free," he said cheekily as he slung his good arm over her shoulders, giving her a quick peck on the cheek before giving the Doctor a knowing smirk.

"If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, then you're definitely not paying me for bedside manner. And I pray to god you aren't paying her either," McCoy said as he glanced over his shoulder with a sparkle in his eyes, glancing at them with alarm before turning back to his work, giving his head a good shake.

"Oh ha ha," she laughed dryly as James chuckled while hobbling out, the pair of them finally clearing the doorway.

"How you feeling?" she asked as they headed towards the lift, her hand now moving gently to his lower back to help him along.

"Better. A few more days of rest and I should be brand new," he said with a chuckle as they entered the lift, her fingers poised at the button panel.

"Good. I'm glad. Want me to help you to your room?" she asked as she looked over her shoulder to him, surprised to find him shaking his head.

"No, I want to go to the bridge," he commented as he made a face as he gingerly touched his ribs, taking in a few sharp breaths.

"What about resting?" she commented as she pushed the bridge button regardless, giving him a pointed look as the lift zoomed off.

"Nothing relaxes me more than sitting in the Captain's chair," he commented with a tired grin as they were deposited on the bridge a second later, the doors sliding open with a cool hiss.

"Fair enough. But only for a few hours," she said as she helped him out and to his chair, saying hi to Spock, Sulu, Chekov and Uhura as she did so.

"What would I do without you?" he said as he collapsed down into his chair, Kristen stepping down off the platform and sitting on it as she turned to look at him, a cool smile on her face.

"Good question," she replied sarcastically, masking the way his words made her feel. She felt the butterflies that had been residing in her stomach for the past three months flare up, doing an extra lap around as she watched him gaze at her endearingly, reaching out to grab her hand.

"Seriously though. I don't know what I would have without you these past few days," he said as he ran his thumb over her the back of her hand lazily, giving her a faint smile with eyes that made her heart race.

"You would have been fine, just without the personal nurse bringing you soup and kissing you whenever you like," she teased, giving him a concealed wink.

"Stop it, I'm trying to be serious," he said, chuckling a few times before going back to the smile, keeping his eyes locked on her. She noticed hesitancy on his face and she shook her head, grinning.

"What are you trying to say, James?" she sighed with a laugh, giving him a pleading look in an attempt to just say what she could tell he was wanting to.

"I'm saying that I...I, uh...I wouldn't have gotten through them without you," he said, the beginning of his sentence making her heart race before she realize what he'd said.

He'd been so close. So close to taking the leap but like before, he'd backed away from the edge. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, before giving a smile, nodding her head a few times.

"Yeah. I'm just glad you're better," she said defeatedly, looking away from him as she tried to mask her disappointment.

"Captain, we're being hailed," Nyota cut in a second later, Kristen's eyes diverted off of her feet to the Comm Officer as Uhura whipped around in her chair, standing to look at the view screen.

"By?" James said, snapping into Captain mode as he sat up right in his chair, Kristen rising to stand beside him.

"Federation HQ, sir. It's Pike," Nyota supplied, the Admiral's face appearing on screen a second later.

"Kirk, glad to see you're okay," Pike chipped as he gave a friendly smile, nodding once to James who was smiling back.

"Yes, sir. How's the Yorkshire?" James asked, his voice dripping with concern as he sat further upright in his seat, adjusting his position.

"She's seen better days, as has her crew," Pike said, looking away for a second as he shrugged his shoulders once, looking back at James with a grave expression.

"Casualties?"

"Forty dead. Over a hundred injured."

She felt his muscles contract beneath her hand which was on his shoulder, her hand gripping him tightly as he looked away, quietly swearing to himself. The entire bridge reacted to the news, several people letting out low whistles and more than a few people shaking their heads in disbelief.

"Regardless, the Admiral managed to finish and transmit your evaluation before the attack. He gave you a confident review. But I have another reason for calling in. I've been asked to talk to you about the reassignment of one of your crew members," Pike said hesitantly, Kristen noticing the grimace on his lips and the stony look in his eyes, her stomach churning. _Reassignment?_

"Reassignment, sir?" James asked, echoing her thoughts.

The bridge went deadly quiet as everyone stopped to listen, fifty odd pairs of eyes trained on the view screen as they waited for further explanation.

"Yes, Captain. The Chief Engineer of the Yorkshire was one of the casualties during the attack so some shuffling has be done among the fleet to re-establish a capable crew for her," Pike explained further, his voice robotic as he spit out the words. The tension in the bridge grew, everyone on the edge of their seat.

"You're taking Scotty?" James asked bluntly as he rose from his seat, her hands helping him rise as he looked sternly towards the Admiral on the view screen.

"No, Kirk. After such...glowing reviews by yourself and Engineer Montgomery we're assignment Cadet Shaw to the Yorkshire to assume the role of Chief Engineer."

Her heart stopped. She heard the murmur of voices around her and felt the muscles in James' arm contract but it was if she wasn't there. It was a total out of body experience as Pike's words sunk in.

"Kristen?" James asked, taking a step forward so his face was out of her sight, her hands letting him go.

"Me?" she asked in disbelief, trying to keep her heart a beating and her lungs a breathing. What just happened.

"Yes, Cadet. You've officially been tasked. Be set to transport in five days."

**((Author's Note: Sorry for the wait. It's been a hectic few days. Anyways, let me know what you think of the chapter as always. Thanks to all of my amazing readers, you guys are phenomenal. Words can't describe how awesome you all are.))**


	30. Chapter 30

**For The Thrill Of It**

Chapter Thirty: I love you.

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design

* * *

She sat hunched over on her bed, her arms cradled in her lap as she looked across the room to where her vanity was, her face stony and her eyes dead.

How had it come to this?

----------------------

"_How can she be reassigned, she's just a cadet?" Kirk said, hobbling down off the platform as he walked closer to the view screen, her knees buckling as she fell down into his now vacant Captain's chair, her head whirling and her heart barely beating. She was being reassigned to another ship in five days. A ship without James._

"_Starfleet has tasked her to the Yorkshire. Based on your and Scotty's reports, she seems very competent. She'll complete her training there" Pike informed them, the bridge going quiet again as everyone focused on her. She was sitting in the chair with her hands ling in her lap, her eyes locked on the view screen as she watched Pike look at her with stern eyes, giving her a nod._

"_But you put her here so that she could learn from me," James said firmly, using his good hand to gesture to himself. She saw the tension in his back and neck as he stood in front of the control panel with Chekov and Sulu at either side of him, both the Helmsmen and Navigator's eyes trained on the screen as well._

"_I know that, Kirk. But Starfleet has spoken. She's been assigned to the Yorkshire," Pike said definitively, the sound of rustling paper filling the bridge as Pike looked down for a second._

"_Pike . . . ," James pleaded, his voice going quiet but echoing amongst the bridge because of the silence._

"_Look, Captain. If I could help you, I would. But they're adamant about it," Pike said once again with firmness, his blue eyes steely as he looked into the bridge._

"_No one else can go? No recruits from the Academy?" James pleaded again, Kristen's eyes trained on the back of his skull. She could almost feel the desperation in his voice as he spoke, knowing that he didn't want her to leave almost as much as she didn't want to._

_She couldn't leave. Not after everything they'd been through._

"_The bulk of the recruits are working in the Cestus system updating our ships' warp capabilities. And all of our senior engineers are on their individual ships, where they are needed," Pike explained, his eyes still trained on everyone._

"_And you can't pull one?" James asked, shifting his weight onto the cane as he leant on it, supporting himself._

"_You don't think I asked them that, Kirk? Trust me, I suggested a million different options for them. But they're set on getting her there. If she performs admirably aboard the Yorkshire, she'll graduate and become an officer. That's their mindset," Pike said, shaking his head a few times before looking back at them, his eyes tired now and if she spotted it right, sad._

"_Is there anything you can –"_

"_It's done, Kirk. There's nothing I can do. Like I said, Cadet. Five days," Pike said with finality before giving them all a final nod, his face disappearing from their screen a second later._

_----------------------_

She leant back and rested against the two packed duffle bags behind her, the room feeling empty and dank. The two bags behind her contained all of her worldly possessions, clothing and all. She'd been dreading packing for the past three days but she knew it was time. She had two more days aboard the Enterprise and she knew she'd be so busy with prepping for reassignment and saying goodbye to even remember packing.

The past three days were some of the tensest, most hesitant days she'd ever gone through. It was as if everyone was tip toeing around her, acting as if nothing was going to change. She'd walk into a room and people would stop talking immediately, the silence setting in heavily. It was unnerving, but at the same time, she knew it was silly to expect otherwise. They were just trying to be nice and considerate by not talking about her while she was around, which was both a blessing and a curse. Sure, they didn't talk about it while she was around, but when she would walk into a room thinking about something else, her thoughts would automatically revert back to her reassignment.

She still couldn't comprehend what had happened. She'd been sitting by his side, helping him recover and then a second later she was being told that she was leaving within a week. It had all happened so fast that she hadn't had time to process it all. And since James avoided talking about her leaving like it was the plague, she could assume that it was the same for him.

She heard the computer beep to her that someone was at her door, her voice ordering the computer to open it as she stayed sitting on her bed, her eyes trained on the boudoir.

"Hey, chica. How are you doing?" she heard Nyota say as the room suddenly filled by Uhura's signature scent of patchouli and sandalwood.

"Fine," she replied back mechanically, not looking up.

"I see that. You all packed?" Nyota asked as she flopped down beside her, the force of her body causing Kristen to crash into Nyota, rebounding off of her and then back into her duffle bags.

"Yeah," she replied again minutely, keeping her eyes off of the Comm Officer as Nyota got settled on her bed, gently nudging her with her elbow.

"Look, Kristen...I know we haven't talked about it at all, but I'm really sorry," Nyota said quietly after a few seconds, resting her head against Kristen's arm.

"Yeah. So am I," she replied back softly, finally looking away from the boudoir and over to Nyota who was looking up at with sad eyes, a frown on her lips as well.

"Have you talked to Kirk about it?" Nyota asked, finally bringing her head off of Kristen's arm and shifted herself so that she was sitting upright beside her, clapping a hand down on Kristen's thigh.

"What am I suppose to say? Hey, James, really sucks hat I have to leave, right? PS - Pretty sure I love you. Just thought you ought to know," Kristen replied back with sarcasm she hadn't seen in a while, her lips twitching upward in a smile that had been absent from her lips for the past few days.

"You still haven't told him?" Nyota exasperated, giving her a look of disbelief before giving her head a shake, her long ponytail swishing as she did so.

"I haven't exactly had the opportune moment, Ny. Between him almost dying and me getting reassigned and all," Kristen retorted, gesturing pathetically to the air in front of her as she leant forward to rake her hand through her hair, groaning fustratedly.

The idea of telling him had been lingering almost ever presently in her head ever since Pike had told her about the reassignment. She knew deep down that she should tell him how she felt, but at the same time she knew it'd just complicate things. He hadn't been dealing with it all very well and she didn't want to pile on yet another piece of potentially unwanted information on him.

"Still, if anything should spur you to tell him, it's this," Nyota pushed, rising off of the bed and moving to stand in front of Kristen, the Comm Officer's hands on her hips.

"The prospect of me leaving?" Kristen asked in clarification, raising an eyebrow as she surveyed Nyota's expectant face and aggressive body language.

"Yes! You should go, now," Nyota said as she leant forward and grabbed Kristen's shoulders, hoisting her up and off the bed into a stand position. Kristen protested, rolling her eyes and scoffing in laughter as Nyota walked around to her back and started to push her towards the door, Kristen's heels going to brake the movement.

"All its going to do is complicate things," Kristen whined, trying to stop Nyota from pushing her towards the door but letting herself go regardless, knowing that it was the right thing to do.

"Yeah, it's going to complicate things for the next two days. Seriously, if you were worried about complications, then now would be the best time, don't you think? Look, he's back in his room taking a shower. Go tell him," Nyota said as she pushed her out of the door, the pair of them stumbling into the corridor, Nyota's hands immediately going to Kristen's hair as she pulled out of the clip that was holding it up, fluffing up Kristen's curls.

"Nyota, I don't—," Kristen protested one last time as she swatted Nyota's hands away.

"Kristen. He loves you, I know he does. So just go tell him before it's too late. You don't want to live with that regret," Nyota said with finality as she gave her one final pleading look, using her eyes to gesture to the lift before turning to leave, heading down the hall to leave Kristen alone with her thoughts.

--------------------------------

"I love you."

"Wait, what?"

It was as if she'd just stolen a car, yet about a hundred times better. She'd cut right to the chase after arriving at his room, hailing him and contemplating a speech to say when she saw him. However, when he'd come to the door wearing only a towel around his waist and his chest still glistening with water, her planned soliloquy went to the wayside. So instead, she went direct and to the point, spitting out what he was apparently not ready to hear. He was standing in front of her with a towel poised in his hand, half rubbing his head to dry his hair and half faltering from her words. He had a shocked look on his face, like he'd just been slapped, and the way he was looking at her was making her anxious.

"I don't know why. Well actually, I do. It's because you're amazing and kind and gentle and smart and funny and caring and compassionate. It's because you never really gave up on me, and it's because you're the first person in a really long time that I trust with my life. It's because you make my heart skip a beat every time you look at me with those insane blue eyes, and it's because I can't really live without seeing you every day. That's why I love you," she blurted out in one foul breath, letting it all out.

The second the words were free from her lips, she felt a weight being lifted from her shoulders. There it was, laid out in plain English for him to hear. She'd ripped off the band aid, jumped into the deep end, and all those other expressions used to describe doing something that was big. She felt the thrill of it all surge into her chest as she watched him react, the smile slowly fading off of her face.

"Kristen, I . . . uh . . . that's awesome," he stumbled, his face turning from shock to confusion, her heart stopping and dropping down into her stomach.

In the millions of different scenarios she'd run through in her head on her way up to his room, not once she did ever imagine him reacting like this.

"That's awesome?" she deadpanned, feeling the blissed out grin that had been on her face a second ago slide off her face.

"That's really, uh . . . nice of you to say," he said as he continued to stumble along, Kristen trying to decipher his body language. Apparently hearing that she loved him wasn't good news. At least, that's what his avoidance of eye contact and stony face was telling her.

"You're kidding me, right?" she exasperated as she looked at him expectantly, trying to revive her heart. It was all of a sudden hard to breath and her head began getting dizzy. _That's awesome?_ Was he being for real? She just laid her heart out on the line and a 'That's awesome' was not the response she'd been hoping for.

"I've just, I've never . . . ," he mumbled, turning from the doorway to pad back inside, Kristen hot on his heels.

"What, told someone you loved them?" she replied aggressively as she cut him off, her blood beginning to boil.

This was bullshit. He loved her and he knew it, he was just too afraid to say it. She knew it in every fibre of her being; he loved her.

"Yeah," he said as he walked down the hallway and into his bedroom, Kristen still following him.

"Well, do you love me, too?" she demanded as he halted in his steps but didn't spin around, keeping his back to her. She planted her feet on the ground and crossed her arms over her chest, needing an answer. He'd shown her tough love every time she'd shyed away from him before and now it was time for him to get it back.

"I uh . . . don't know," he fumbled as he began moving into his washroom, shutting the door behind him.

"You don't know," she repeated, moving over to sit on his bed in order to keep from falling. Her heart was pounding in her chest, her breathing was laboured, and her mind was racing at a million miles a second.

This was not how it was suppose to go.

"No. I don't," he repeated, coming out of the washroom a second later dressed in black pants and nothing else, her body temporary distracted by the muscles on his chest before giving her head a good shake, snapping back to reality.

"Oh my god," she muttered, looking away from him and down to the floor, trying to keep herself together. She felt as if everything was falling apart; she was leaving the Enterprise, more than likely never to see it again, never to see him again, and he wasn't going to tell her that he loved her back.

"Look, I don't . . . Kristen, I really, really like you. More than I've ever felt for anyone else. Maybe I even love you. But I don't know," he said as he came over to her and knelt down in front of her, pleading for her to understand. She looked straight into his eyes, finding empathy literally pouring out of them but unable to buy it. This wasn't how she wanted to leave things. She wanted him to love her back and be proud to say it; not hesitant and unsure.

"Any idea when you are going to know?" she pressed, narrowing her eyes as she looked at her expectantly, trying to figure it all out. Why wasn't he just saying it out loud? And then she started second guessing herself; what if he really didn't love her? What if it'd all be in her head? Suddenly, she felt sick to her stomach in embarrassment. Everything was unravelling and she didn't know how to stop it.

"I don't know if it works like that," he replied back as she stood up, finished with this. She needed to get out of there. She already felt humiliated enough as it was, she didn't need him throwing salt on the wound.

"Yeah, well, it should. God, you know what? Let's just . . . I'm going to go," she said as she swept by him and walked briskly from his room, desperate to be alone to try and figure out what the hell she was going to do now.

------------------------

"He said that it was awesome," she said as she swung another fist and hit the canvas bag, her body bouncing in position to stay active.

She'd come down to the gym after her encounter with James, reverting back to her old habit of how to figure stuff out. It was all so hard to believe; they'd been in a blissed out, you're the greatest thing ever stage just weeks ago and now, it was all gone. He'd been so unsteady, so hesitant when speaking to her today that it shook her very core. It was as if she didn't even know him. And on top of everything, she wasn't so sure now about whether or not he did love her. She knew deep down that she didn't need him to love her back but at the same time, she didn't want to leave the Enterprise without knowing. If he didn't love her, that's fine. But it was the fact that he didn't know that killed her.

"That it was awesome?" Nyota replied back from the treadmill she was walking on, giving Kristen the most surprised look with her eyes.

"Yeah," she confirmed as she gave the bag another punch, still bouncing.

"Wow, that's even more pathetic then saying thanks," Nyota commented as she got off the treadmill and walked over to Kristen, wiping some sweat from her brow with a small towel.

"People say thanks in response to an I love you?" Kristen asked as she stilled the bag with her hands, her breathing laboured and her heart racing from the exercise. She moved over to her sports bag and dropped onto the sparring mats, splaying out her limbs as she tried to cool down.

"What the hell do you think Spock said when I dropped those words?" Nyota chimmed in as she sat down on the mats beside Kristen, gulping down some water.

"All of a sudden, I can't wait to get off this ship," Kristen philosophized a second later, blinking as she looked up into the bright lights.

"Really?" Nyota asked, surprised.

"No. God, I can't imagine not seeing him every day. Just the thought of life without him makes my heart hurt," Kristen commented fustratedly as she flipped over onto her stomach, throwing down an angry fist onto the mat in aggravation. Between finding out she was leaving and the not knowing where things stood with James, she felt as if she had no control over anything anymore.

"Well, better go see Bones about that seeing as in twenty-four hours he's not going to be around, so you might want to look into getting something for your heart pains," Nyota commented, jabbing her in the side with her foot.

"Not helping," Kristen retorted as she looked up to give Nyota a glare, the Comm Officer looking at her sympathetically with a sorrowful smile.

"Hey, you know I'm just kidding. I know it probably sucks but hey, at least he knows. You can leave with a clear conscience now," Nyota pointed out, Kristen flipping back over onto her back as she laced her hands together and propped them underneath her head.

"I know it shouldn't matter whether or not he loves me back, but it does," she said aloud, finally vocalizing the thought that had been running through her head for the past few hours.

"Of course it does. People say it doesn't, but it does," Nyota agreed, nodding her head a few times as Kristen watched her react to her words.

"I'm all . . . confused. What if he doesn't love me?" she hypothesized, watching Nyota's face grow stern and scolding.

"Kristen. You used to steal calls for the thrill of it, right?" Nyota asked, taking the conversation in a completely different direction. It was so abrupt that she sat up, turning to face Nyota head on.

"Yeah," Kristen replied, still not understanding why Nyota was going with this.

"Do you remember the first time you stole a car?" Uhura pressed on, giving her an expectant look.

"Of course I do," she said, immediately thinking back to the first time she'd stolen a car. It was an old school Mustang, the car of all vintage cars to steal. She'd been so nervous and scared that she'd almost ripped out the entire key console during the hotwiring.

"Chance is it wasn't as thrilling the first time around as they are now, right?" Nyota pressed, raising an expectant eyebrow before taking another swig of water, chucking the bottle to Kristen.

"Right. The first time I stole a car, I was scared as hell," Kristen confirmed as she caught the bottle and took a drink as well, waiting for Nyota to elaborate.

"So maybe that's how Kirk feels. He's never told someone he's loved them before, and he's scared. It's completely understandable that maybe it was all a little overwhelming for him. And the fact that you just kind of spat it out of the blue probably didn't help," Nyota said wisely, identifying a point of view that she hadn't considered.

"So you're saying he loves me but he's scared of telling me?" Kristen asked in layman's terms, a confused look on her face as she watched Nyota nod her head extravagantly.

"Exactly. He's not used to taking that leap and feeling the thrill like you are," the Comm Officer noted, giving Kristen yet another expectant look.

"What am I suppose to do, Ny? I don't exactly have time to give him to figure it out," Kristen whined as she rose from the mats and took another drink of water, tossing it back to Nyota.

Uhura was right. Of course James was probably scared, she'd been nervous to tell him too. She just wished he could suck it up and just tell her though, as his parting gift. She didn't want to leave without hearing him say it.

"You don't need him to. You see the way he looks at you, and you feel the way he kisses you. He loves you, and never doubt that," Nyota said with such definitiveness that even Kristen believed it, rising to meet Kristen as they headed to their bags, Kristen leaving the gym with considerably more to think about than when she'd arrived.

-----------------------

She was set to leave in less than twelve hours. Her eyes flashed open every few seconds and glanced upward at the clock, watching as the minutes ticked by. It was unnerving but at the same time, she'd been thinking about the same thing for the past twenty four hours anyways.

James.

She'd taken the entire day and mulled over what had happened between them and how she could fix it in the little time she had left. He'd managed to avoid her like the plague to; she spent her fourth and final day aboard the Enterprise saying goodbyes and training the technicians she worked with in dealing with phaser and transporter technology. It was in those training sessions did she realize just how much she'd learned; she'd only been here three months, but it as if she'd been here far longer than that.

He remained almost constantly on her mind. She wanted to see him; she needed to see him. After opening her eyes for the umpteenth time, she threw the covers off of her body and stumbled out of bed, walking over to the door, down the hallway, and to the lift. What had happened between them a day ago had been awkward, sure, but she didn't want to spend her last night alone. And she didn't want to leave the ship on such an unintended note.

The lift took her faithfully to his level and then her feet took over, bringing her promptly to his door. She sucked in a breath and hailed him, finding the door slide open much sooner than she'd expected.

"Kristen. I was just coming to see you," he said almost breathlessly as his eyes found her, giving her such a sweet, sincere look that her heart skipped a beat, Nyota's words coming to mind. _You see the way he looks at you. _Still, however, she noted the obvious tension. He was looking at her cautiously, as if he didn't know what to expect.

"I don't want to leave the Enterprise," she said swiftly, crossing her arms over her tank top clad chest. She looked at him nervously, unsure of how he'd react.

"I don't want you to either," he said almost a second later, Kristen feeling a rush of emotion as she watched him step forward and take her into his arms, letting the tension fall away.

"And I don't want to leave you," she whispered as she buried her face into the crook of his neck, enjoying for what would probably be the last time the safety she felt in his arms. She felt her heart ache, harder than it had before, as the reality of the situation hit her. In less than twelve hours, he wouldn't be here anymore. And life without him in it was a life she couldn't even imagine living; not after everything that had happened. He'd become a part of her, and she couldn't fathom living without it.

"I don't want you to either," he whispered back as she felt him press his lips against her temple affectionately. Eventually, she pulled away from him and looked up at him, feeling the sting from behind her eyes that signalled tears were coming.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you," she said honestly as she cracked a smile, feeling her eyes film over with tears. She looked up to the light to try and stem them, but found no hope there, feeling tears beginning to spill from the corners of her eyes.

"Don't cry, pretty girl," he said almost inaudibly as he brushed away her tears with his thumb, looking down at her with the crystal blue eyes that still made her knees weak.

"I don't want to leave," she repeated herself as she felt more tears fall down her cheeks, watching from beneath the glassy haze of the tears his face grow full of emotion, his brow furrowed and his eyes genuine.

"I wish you didn't have to," he said as he took her face in his hands and kissed her, the sweetness of his kiss almost making her heart break in two.

"I'm okay with you not loving me back," she whispered a second later against his lips as she pulled away, opening her eyes to watch him react.

"What?" he asked in clarification, Kristen unable to read what was in his eyes as they flashed open, searching her own for some kind of answer..

"Nyota reminded me yesterday about why I used to steal cars. I don't need you to say it back. As long as you know that that's how I feel, that's all that matters. Telling you how I felt was the biggest thrill of all," she explained breathlessly as she took his face into her hands this time, rubbing her thumb over his cheeks as she smiled up at him, watching as his face passed from something indescribable to comprehension, giving her a nod.

"Okay," he said quietly before leaning down to kiss her again, sealing it all with his lips.

------------------------------

"All set for transport, Cadet?"

She looked over at James who was staring almost painfully at her, his face etched with sadness and confusion as she took a deep breath, looking back to the view screen where Pike was staring at her expectantly. She opened her mouth, hitching the two duffle bags she had over her shoulder before brushing some hair out of her face, letting out a deep breath.

"No."

Her mouth had been open to speak, yet it wasn't her voice that said that. The fifty odd pairs of eyes flew to James who was rising from his Captain's chair, his arm out of the sling and defiance on his face.

"Excuse me, Captain?" Pike said almost mechanically a second later, turning to look at James with disbelief. In fact, the entire bridge had stopped what they were doing and was now looking at James with nothing short of incredulity.

"She's not going anywhere," James said decisively, walking to her side as he kept his eyes locked on the view screen.

"Kirk?" Pike asked again, still needing clarification.

"She's part of this crew, just like the rest of us. I don't see you taking McCoy or Uhura," James noted Kristen's eyes flickering from the Captain to the Admiral as her heart began to speed up, trying to figure out what he was doing.

"I would have if Starfleet had asked me to," Pike sniped back, giving them all a stern look.

"You're the one that told me that it takes an entire bridge to run a ship. In the short time she's been here, Cadet Shaw has become an integral part of the Enterprise. It's abrupt and- and disrespectful for the Federation to just rip her from us," James said with such Captaincy that even Pike was taken aback, looking surprised for a split second.

"That maybe so, but the Yorkshire still needs an engineer, and you have two," Pike countered, his blue eyes steely.

"No, we have one and a Cadet. Which I believe is equal if not less than other Federation vessels," James pointed out, placing his hands on his hips in clear defiance.

"True, but your Cadet has demonstrated exceptional ability in her field. The Yorkshire needs someone of her calibre," Pike retorted, gesturing to Kristen with a hand.

"We need something of her calibre, here," James replied, pointing to the ground with a finger as he continued to glare into the view screen.

"Captain, the decision has been made," Pike said as he brushed away their argument, finally having enough of the back and forth they'd been doing for the past minute or so. The Admiral didn't need to argue with a Captain; what was done was done.

"No. I'm sorry, but I'm not letting her go," James said as he shook his head, folding his arms over his chest as his lips set themselves into a thin line. She felt her heart race even faster as she watched him fight with the Admiral for her, refusing to let her go. If he wasn't going to say that he loved her, she guessed this was the next best thing.

"You're not letting her go?" Pike asked in disbelief again, his face now etched with shock and surprise.

"No. I'm not," James said, giving his head another shake as his face stood defiant against Pike.

"Well why not?" Pike inquired, glaring through the view screen now at James.

The entire bridge had gone deathly quiet as they all watched the exchange, Kristen remaining still as she watched James' body language respond to Pike's question.

"Because," he countered lamely, faltering slightly.

"Because what, Captain?" Pike asked in clarification, looking at James expectantly.

"Because . . . uh," James said hesitantly, looking down from the view screen for the first time before looking over to her, his face less hesitant now and more scared. She shot a curious look at him before Pike spoke again.

"Because what, Captain?" Pike pressed, his face angry and frustrated now.

"Because I, uh. Love her," James stumbled a second later, her heart stopping all together. A collective gasp echoed throughout the bridge as she watched James remain tall despite what he'd just admitted, his face still anxious and unsure.

_Finally_.

"Excuse me?" Pike asked almost a minute later, a look of utter scepticism on his face.

"I love her. I can't let you take her from us, from me," James replied, this time keeping his eyes off of her. She felt his words rejuvenate her heart as a smile began creeping to her lips, the butterflies reviving in her stomach and the ache of her heart changing to something of love.

"Kirk . . . are you serious?" Pike asked a second later, looking cautiously at the Captain.

"Yes, sir. Cadet Shaw needs to stay here. With us," James said as he finally looked over at Kristen, his eyes changing from hesitancy to definitiveness, giving her a grin as he gestured for her to take his hand, reaching out to grab it slowly.

"With you," Pike offered plainly, still in disbelief at the situation.

"With me," James confirmed, interlacing his fingers with her own as he stepped towards her, giving her one last searing look before looking back to Pike, a confident smile on his face.

"I'll, uh. I'll see what I can do, Captain," Pike said a minute later after watching them, giving a curt nod that they both replied to.

"That'd be much appreciated, Admiral," James said before signing off, the view screen going black.

He turned to look at her, Kristen all too aware of the fifty pairs of eyes trained on them.

"You're not leaving," he said quietly as he brushed some hair out of her face, giving her a small smile as his blue eyes glistened with something wicked.

"You love me," she countered, the small smile growing into a grin as she felt the butterflies fly around and her heart almost burst with some unknown feeling, her body on fire.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do," he confirmed a second later, giving a single nod before giving a smile.

"What made you sure?" she asked, searching his eyes for an answer as the duffle bags fell from her shoulders, feeling his arms snake their way around her waist.

"Nothing. When you came to my room a few days ago and told me, I knew I loved you. I just didn't know how to say it, and I was scared to," he replied honestly, looking down at her with such sincerity that her heart only swelled.

"And now?" she pressed, biting down on her lip to keep herself from outright grinning.

"And now, I realized that it was time to finally step off the ledge," he said, giving her a faint smile.

"Why now?" she asked, once again searching his eyes. She watched him open his mouth, poised to answer, before shutting it promptly. His eyes grew mischievous and an arrogant smirk came onto his lips as they opened this time to answer, his words seeming familiar yet different.

"For the thrill of it. There's nothing like the feeling of telling someone for the first time that you love them. It's the ultimate thrill," he said as his eyes flashed fiery down at her, her lips curving into an uncontrollable grin that was swept off her face a second later as he bent down to kiss her, her heart exploding with emotion as his lips pressed against her's in a promise that she knew some how he meant with all of his being.

**((Author's Note****: I need to first of all thank my beta, Jessica, for helping me get this story where I wanted it to go. Then I'd like to thank everyone who's ever taken the time to read and/or review my story. Your feedback has been nothing short of incredible and utterly supporting, even when I was in my slump. I never imagined getting so many faithful readers so like I said before, thanks again. I hope you liked this final chapter; I'm quite happy with how it turned out. It's been a real honour writing for you all so for one last time, thanks a bunch. I couldn't have done it without you))**


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